Yesterday, September 13th 2012 freedom was destroyed in New York City. The New York City Board of
Fascism Health voted 8-0 to ban the sale of big sodas and other sugary drinks at restaurants, concession stands and other eateries.
As soon as the shameful vote was promulgated, police fanned out across the city to arrest large soft drink lovers. Some escaped official opprobrium by renouncing all 32-ounce drinks. However others, some from principle, some from love of large sugary soft drinks refused to renounce their allegiance to the outlawed delight. The following is the official City Council acts of the martyrdom of one such Big Gulp drinker.
The Interrogation before Mayor Bloomberg
The next day, the 14th of September, a great crowd gathered near city hall at the command of the Mayor. Then the same Mayor ordered that a large soft drink lover be brought to him. When he had been brought forward, the Mayor asked the large sugary soft drink lover, “Are you a lover of large, sugary soft drinks?”. The lover of large, sugary soft drinks responded “I am.” The Mayor said “Have you presented yourself to people as a sacrilegious drinker of large, sugary soft drinks?” The drinker responded “I have.” The Mayor said “The Board of Health have ordered you to stop drinking large, sugary soft drinks.” The large sugary soft drink lover said “I will not.” The Mayor responded “Have a care for your own interests.” The lover of large, sugary soft drinks responded, “There is no need of reflection.”
After he had spoken with his advisers Mayor Bloomberg hesitatingly and unwillingly pronounced the sentence in these words: “You have lived for a long time in a sacrilegious frame of mind, have drank large sugary soft drinks and have set yourself up as an enemy of the gods of healthy dieting. We have not been able to call you back to the observance of healthy dietary norms. Therefore you will yourself be a warning for these people. Respect for healthy diets will be confirmed by your blood.” Once he had said this, he read out the sentence. “It has been decided that you are to be executed by the sword.” The lover of large sugary soft drinks responded, “Burp.”
The Martyrdom of the lover of large, sugary soft drinks
After this sentence, the crowd of fellow lovers of large, sugary soft drinks said, “Let us also be beheaded with him!” On this account a great commotion broke out among the crowd and they followed the lover of of large, sugary soft drinks to City Hall Park. There he took off his coat, knelt down on the ground, kissed it and cried out, “You can pry my large sugary soft drink from my cold, dead hands!’ He then stood erect and awaited the executioner. When the executioner came the lover of large, sugary soft drinks put on the blindfold with his own hands. But since New York is a liberal and progressive city the death sentence was commuted. Mayor Bloomberg instead sentenced the lover of large, sugary soft drinks to have his taxes raised and his rent increased 37 percent. The lover of large, sugary soft drinks then wept and passed out. His unconscious body was laid out nearby on account of the curiosity of the people with healthy diets.
Then his still unconscious body was taken up at night with candles and torches (which use less energy than incandescent bulbs) and brought back to his now much more expensive yet still small and cramped apartment.
A few days after pronouncing sentence on the lover of large, sugary soft drinks Mayor Bloomberg himself died after choking on a deluxe bacon cheeseburger and his body did vomit out copious amounts of sugary soft drinks. (61)