With the riots in Libya and Egypt I have decided, for the benefit of my readers who may be unaware of the root causes of such riots, to publish the Rioting Muslim Template™. As always, if you are caught or killed in a Muslim riot the President of the United States will disavow any knowledge of your actions. Then he will apologize. Then he will deny the apology. Then he will accuse his opponent in the election of playing politics. Then he will jet off to New York for a $40,000 a plate fundraiser.
Muslims riot and storm U.S. embassies because
- The United State has oppressed the Muslim peoples!
- The United States stole Andalusia from the Caliphate of Cordoba in the 11th century
- Reason? We need a reason?
- My goat is very very sick
- It’s hot as hell in Philadelphia (someone open up a window!)
To prevent Muslims from taking over American embassies Americans should
- Refrain from insulting the prophet
- Refrain from insulting Islam
- My goat. Please. Save her.
- Rewrite our constitution to restrict free speech and enact anti-blasphemy laws (but only for Islam not Christianity)
- Someone ought to open up a window! (No no no! Too many flies! Too many flies!) But it’s hot as hell in Philadelphia!
If you happen to see Muslims attempting to scale the walls of the American Embassy you are stationed at
- Do not panic! After all, storming an embassy is a serious breach of international law. The host country would never let that happen
- Trust the embassy guards. The host country put them there for a reason. They are highly trained and your safety is paramount to them
- How am I supposed to mount my goat if she is dead. My goat. Please. Save her.
- Find a laptop and Tweet the experience. Remember you are not in danger. The security guards will stay at their stations at the risk of death
Muslims have scaled the walls of the embassy, are setting fires and shooting people. What do you do?
- Resign yourself to your fate. It is your fault after all. I mean, you must have insulted the prophet. Or not. It doesn’t really matter but you are an infidel and deserve to die. And no virgins for you!
- Try to reason with the rioters. Say something that will appeal to them such as, “President Barack Obama loves Muslims. Not like the cowboy Bush.”
- Okay. That didn’t work and they still seem intent on killing you. (See no. 1)
- Basically you’re screwed pal. I bet it was the ice cream cone you are eating. It insults the prophet
- My goat. Please. I need her to take my seed.
You’ve been shot 12 times, your hair is on fire and you are suffering from smoke inhalation
- Know that your death will be a sacrifice for freedom
- Thank god you wore respectable underwear, as your pants will probably come off as your body is dragged through the streets
- You really should have saved his goat when you had the chance
- When I bite into a York Peppermint Patty I am reminded of the decadence of western culture.
It is my hope that this Rioting Muslim Template™ will in some small way contribute to peace and understanding between our peoples.
NOW GET YOUR F#$#$ING GOAT OFF MY LAWN!