On this the 11th anniversary of the attacks on the World Trade Center and the Pentagon we at the worldwide headquarters of the unstoppable journalistic juggernaut known as Manhattan Infidel have decided to compile the careers of the major players of that days events.
Note: Because all of the planners of 9/11, with the exception of Dick Cheney are dead I have had to use my journalistic skills and instincts to provide a narrative that I believe, while factually incorrect, is filled with “truthiness.”
Osama Bin Laden
The alleged mastermind behind the 9/11 attacks was actually a mild-mannered tax lawyer who loved America and the environment and hated “fracking” which he believed was bad for Mother Earth.
“I love America and would have moved to it” said Bin Laden in his last interview before being assassinated by order of Dick Cheney. “But Americans are so puritanical. In Afghanistan I can get free birth control for my 57 wives. I can’t do that in America.”
Dumped into the Indian Ocean after his illegal assassination, Bin Laden now spends most of his time being consumed by marine organisms.
“Sucks. But all in all, not as bad as living in Philadelphia.”
It’s good to know that this brave environmentalist has not lost his sense of humor.
Progressive liberal Democrat, defender of woman’s rights and advocate of free birth control for all women, Mohamed Atta agreed to pilot the decoy plane that buzzed the North Tower moments before it was brought down by a controlled explosion. He was also a lawyer for public sector unions.
“I was concerned that Bush would return America to the 19th Century where a public sector worker would not have the right to retire at 55 on a full pension paid for by the taxpayers.”
Betrayed and assassinated after safely piloting his 747 to the ground, Atta remains a hero to all in the progressive moment.
The pilot of United Airlines flight 93 which crashed outside Shanksville, Pennsylvania remains something of a mystery to 9/11 investigators. His original plan was to fly his plane to Washington D.C., and circle the Capitol with a banner which said, “Sub-prime mortgages are compassionate.”
As to why he crashed his plane the consensus seems to be that there were probably too many Jews on his flight and that the Jews stormed the cockpit in an attempt to crash the plane in a populated metropolitan area. Because that’s what Jews do. However Jarrah, being the devout Muslim that he was, found this offensive and bravely steered the plane to a deserted field where it went down, at the cost of his own life.
One of the undead, this vampire is consumed with hatred for the human race and mother Earth.
This creature of the night hatched the 9/11 plan in an attempt to drive up oil prices and increase profits for his company, Halliburton.
Unsuccessful in his attempt after President Obama bravely ended the Iraqi and Afghani wars, he is now on the run. Because he is on the run he is not able to replenish himself with a supply of fresh human blood. As a result he has changed form and now resembles a bat/human hybrid. Senseless and desperate for blood he attacks anything he comes into contact with.
If you see a bat/human hybrid be forewarned: It is probably Dick Cheney and you should run for your life.
And there you have it readers. An account of 9/11 that is chock full of truthiness. (68)