Note: The following email has been sent to all citizens and undocumented illegals residing in the United States.
Greetings to all beneficiaries of rights granted by the United States Government! As the campaign season begins let us all step back a moment to embrace the many benefits of belonging to the United States Government.
Government is the only thing that we all belong to. We’re different churches (some unfortunately like the Catholic Church who continue to wage war on women), different clubs (some like the Boy Scouts who unfortunately continue to wage war on the differentially-sexed) but we’re together as a part of our Government.
Think about that for a second. These different clubs and religions, some like the Catholic Church who continue to preach a “Jesus” who is superior to the Government, believe in different things.
And as these churches and clubs believe in different things than the Government, how can they be valid? Aren’t they points of disagreement? Envy? War?
The Government cares for all that belong to it. Once again we urge all to come to the Government.
Come to the Government, all you who labor at businesses you didn’t build, for the Government’s tax burden is easy for those who make less than $200,000 and its debt is light for those over 65 years of age.
And so, to all those who belong to the Government we would like to close by saying, “We the Government of the United States of America, in order to form a more Powerful Union, establish social justice for those who need free birth control, promote the Government’s welfare and secure the blessings of Government to ourselves do ordain and establish that you the citizen belong to us.”
And remember, the white man is racist.
Note: The following is the abbreviated Spanish-language email.
Un saludo a todos los beneficiarios de los derechos otorgados por el Gobierno de los Estados Unidos!
El hombre blanco es racista!
Note: The following is the abbreviated Morse Code version.
–. .-. . . – .. -. –. … / – — / .- .-.. .-.. / -… . -. . ..-. .. -.-. .. .- .-. .. . … / — ..-. / .-. .. –. …. – … / –. .-. .- -. – . -.. / -… -.– / – …. . / ..- -. .. – . -.. / … – .- – . … / –. — …- . .-. -. — . -. – ? / – …. . / .– …. .. – . / — .- -. / .. … / .-. .- -.-. .. … – ?
Note: The following is the French-language version.
Zee Government izz zee locksmith of love, no? Zee white man is racist, no?
Note: The following is the official Martian translation.
People who don’t belong to the Government make me angry. Very angry indeed. I shall be forced to use my Illudium P-36 Explosive Space Modulator on those who don’t belong to the Government. And any non-green man is racist.
Note: The following is the official People’s Republic of California translation.
Dudes and Dudettes. You belong to the Government man. Doesn’t that blow your mind? And any life form that isn’t the Delta Smelt is racist.
Note: This is the official People’s Republic of Massachusetts translation:
Wow. You have very high cheekbones. Are you part Cherokee? Doesn’t matter. You still belong to the Government.
And there you have it readers. You should be getting this email soon.
Remember. You belong to the Government. But you didn’t build it. (234)