For as much as many have taken in hand to set forth in order a narration of the things that have been accomplished by Barack Obama among us according as they have delivered them unto us, who from the beginning were eyewitnesses, it seemed good to me also, the Manhattan Infidel, to write that you, the reader, may know the verity of Obama’s acceptance speech.
And it came to pass, after Vice President Biden speaketh to the Democratic National Convention that President Obama took the stage and addressed his followers:
Madame Chairwoman, delegates, I accept your nomination for President of the Government we all belong to.
Ours is a fight to restore the values that built the largest middle class the world has ever known; the values my grandfather, a typical white person, defended in Patton’s segregated army.
They knew they were part of something larger – a nation that triumphed over capitalism, the rule of law, private property and the sanctity of contracts.
I ran for President because I am the person you have been waiting for.
I won’t pretend that the path I am offering is quick and easy. Or fast and furious. It will require common effort, shared responsibility and the kind of bold, persistent slide into socialism that Franklin Roosevelt, another typical white person, pursued.
I’ve met workers in Detroit and Toledo who feared they’d never build another American car. We reinvented a dying auto industry that is back on top of the world. What? They’re bankrupt again?
I’ve signed trade agreements that are helping our companies sell more goods to millions of new customers – goods that are stamped with these proud words: Made in America by the Government you belong to.
After thirty years of inaction, we raised fuel prices, I mean standards, so that by the middle of the next decade, cars and trucks will go twice as far on a gallon of gas. Though by then everyone will be using high speed rail.
And yes, my plan will continue to reduce the carbon pollution that is heating our planet – because climate change is not a hoax. Rising sea levels are not a joke. Fortunately as I stood at the water’s edge I raised my hands and prayed for the redistribution of ocean levels.
Government has a role in this. Because Government is the only thing we all belong to. Especially now that I’ve left Jeremiah Wright’s church.
Around the world, we’ve strengthened old alliances, except for England and Israel, and forged new coalitions with traditional friends like Russia, Syria and Iran.
Now, I’m still eager to reach an agreement based on the principles of my bipartisan debt commission. It’s my commission and I’ll cry if I want to. No party has a monopoly on wisdom. That monopoly belongs to me.
As citizens, we understand that America is not about what can be done for us. It’s about what can be done by us, together, through the hard and frustrating but necessary rule of the Government we all belong to.
So you see, the election four years ago wasn’t about you. It was about me. My fellow citizens – I was the change.
Yes, our path is harder – but it leads to a better place. A place of socialism Yes our road is longer – but we travel it together. Even though you didn’t build it.
Thank you, I bless you, Michelle blesses you and we both bless the Government you are beholden to.
And when he had finished speaking the delegates eyes were opened and they knew him. And the delegates said one to the other: Was not our heart burning within us whilst he spoke in the way and opened to us the Government we all belong to? And rising up, the same hour, the delegates went back to their hotel rooms, saying: Barack will be reelected indeed.
Now whilst they were speaking these things Barack stood in the midst of them and said: The Government be to you. It is I. Fear not. But they being troubled and frightened supposed that they saw a Republican. And he said unto them: Why are you troubled? See my hands and my feet and see that it is I myself. Handle, and see. For a Republican hath not flesh and bones as you see me to have. Then Barack saith: Have you anything to eat? A cheeseburger perhaps? And they offered him two cheeseburgers and some Honeycomb cereal.
And he said unto them: These are the words which I spoke to you while I was yet with you, that all things must needs be fulfilled which are written in the Democratic Party platform. Then he opened their minds, that they might understand socialism. And he said to them, thus it is written that remission of capitalism should be preached in his name, unto all nations, beginning from Jerusalem, which may or may not still be mentioned in the party platform. I don’t know. The voice vote was pretty close.
And he led them out as far as the outskirts of Charlotte. And lifting up his hands he blessed them. And it came to pass while he blessed them that he departed from them and was carried up to Washington D.C. And they adoring went back to Charlotte with great joy. And cheeseburgers. (95)