And the hits keep coming for America’s Royal Family. I had previously written about the Kennedy Malfeasance Template™ here:
But it seems that America’s Royal Family cannot contain themselves. So for my readers I once again present Your (Updated) Updated Kennedy Malfeasance Template™.
Your great uncle was President of the United States. To add to the family legacy you
- Get an internship
- Get a job
- Run for office
- Freeload off a superstar country recording artist
To bond with said country recording artist you
- Rent a cabin in the woods
- Stay up all night talking about your feelings
- Go hiking
- Take her to your recently deceased mother’s grave
- Combine hiking and going to your recently deceased mother’s grave since her body was moved to an unmarked location and you don’t know where the hell it is. Hence you’ll have to hike all over the graveyard to find it.
You are going to take your country superstar girlfriend to your mother’s grave. What is the best way to get there?
- Public transportation (it’s good for the environment)
- Your Prius
- Your stretch limo
- A submarine
- Combine the comfort of a car with the excitement of underwater travel by driving off a bridge
Your rich country superstar girlfriend is perturbed that the car she is riding in is now underwater. What is your response?
- Save her!
- Save both of you
- Save yourself
- Explain to her that her death will make you a better, more compassionate socialist
- Wait until after you’ve visited (and hiked all over the cemetery trying to find the unmarked grave of your mother) to report the accident. Don’t worry about her. Air pockets last for hours
So your rich country superstar girlfriend survived the accident and now you have to explain why your mother’s remains were reburied in another location.
- Tell her she was moved to protect family privacy
- She was moved to avoid the prying cameras of those a–holes at Fox news who don’t believe in American royalty
- She was moved so tourists won’t trample her grave
- Who cares. She’s just a mere woman
- Seriously. The Kennedy plot is reserved for men
After visiting your mother’s grave you
- Sit down with your rich country superstar girlfriend and propose
- Have a team of accountants comb her personal finances
- I mean really. She’s rich and her money should rightfully be redistributed to American Royalty like the Kennedys
- Introduce her to the joys of alcohol and drug addiction
- Crash the jeep your are driving. She will be thrown from the car and her spine crushed
- All of the above
And there you have it readers. The (Updated) Updated Kennedy Malfeasance Template™. (147)