In news that shocked the world, everyone’s favorite couple broke up.
After spending the entire weekend tirelessly investigating this story
sending tweets to Stewart saying “You like older men?” I have found the real reason for the breakup: The Tea Party! In the week since the shootings in Aurora by Tea Party activist and madman Jim Holmes (pictured here) I have wondered should I send Kristen Stewart a picture of my penis? what’s next for the Tea Party? A mass shooting will not be enough for these reprobates. And then the news of Stewart and Pattinson. Breaking up Hollywood’s power couple would be in keeping with the modus operandi of the Tea Party.
Consider the facts, dear readers. Incontrovertible, undeniable facts that will only be found here. Yes, again I have scooped the worthless MSM.
- The Tea Party is composed of madmen who deny core American values such as higher taxes and socialism.
- The Tea Party is responsible for the Red Sox winning two out of three from the Yankees last weekend. (Like I said, the Tea Party are madmen.)
- The Tea Party are racists (as proven by a photo of a recent Tea Party Rally I have pulled from the internet).
- Tea Party members eat at Chick-fil-A.
- Tea Party members often travel to the North Pole to shoot adorable polar bears as they are drowning.
- Tea Party members are robots who do not believe in love.
- A recent Tea Party manifesto declared its intention to defeat Barack Obama.
- Robert Pattinson is an English Twit.
So let’s recapitulate all the facts that I was able to glean after a weekend of investigative reporting
sitting around in my underwear drinking cans of beer and tweeting Kristen Stewart.
Tea Party members are racists who hate taxes, socialism and redistribution of wealth. They shoot polar bears and like the Red Sox. They eat at Chick-fil-A, possibly after shooting a polar bear or rooting for the Red Sox. They may also be Nazis and/or robots. Robots who do not believe in love, hope or change. And most importantly, and not to be underestimated, Robert Pattinson is an English twit.
And so once again, having scooped the mainstream media I will bask in the glory of my journalistic skills by reading Virgil (in the original Latin)
sitting around in my underwear drinking cans of beer and looking at pictures of Kristen Stewart.
And so dear readers, when I win my Nobel prize for investigative journalism I will thank each and every one of my readers (assuming that all four are out of prison.)
Manhattan Infidel (759)