It is my distinct pleasure to recently have had the opportunity to engage in a casual and intimate conversation with the ambassador to one of the United States’ staunchest allies in Europe, the honorable Robert Kupiecki of Poland, which I now present to my readers.
MI: Good afternoon Mr. Ambassador.
RK: Good afternoon Mr. Infidel. It is always a pleasure to talk to the American press. You know the Polish people have a great love for the United States. During our long years of oppression by the Nazis and then the Communists we looked towards your country as a beacon of freedom. Nothing can destroy the love the Polish people have for your great country.
MI: Well that’s good to know. Listen I have to ask you about the recent controversy over President Obama’s statement about “Polish death camps.”
RK: They weren’t Polish death camps! They were German-run death camps in occupied Poland! Please! Let’s set the record straight.
MI: I don’t know. That seems like a matter of semantics.
RK: It is not semantics! The Polish people did not run those death camps. They were used to kill us! Millions of Polish people died during World War II. For your president to use that phrase deeply offends the Polish people. We suffered greatly during World War II.
MI: Hey, I can relate to suffering. I myself am lactose intolerant.
RK: What? Are you ignorant?
MI: No. I’m a Democrat. Very nuanced.
RK: How can you even compare the two?
MI: I’m just saying you don’t know what true suffering is until you realize you can’t have a chocolate chip cookie or a cheese danish.
RK: Oh god I am so close to shooting you right now.
MI: Funny I get that a lot from people I interview. Anyway. Back to the Polish death camps. Why do you think Polish people allowed death camps on their soil?
RK: I don’t believe this. WE WERE OCCUPIED! We didn’t run the death camps. WE WERE OCCUPIED!
MI: I know how frustrating that can be. The other day I went to one of those outdoor summer concert series and the portojohns were all occupied. I thought my bladder would burst. Serves me right for having so many beers.
RK: You are an idiot!
MI: Well there’s no reason to resort to name-calling. Listen things are getting tense. What do you say I break up the tension with a joke? Okay?
MI: What has no natural, defensible borders and is easily overrun by Germans?
MI: Poland! God I love that joke.
RK: Where’s my gun? Where the hell is my gun?
MI: Wow. You have quite the temper. Are all Polish like you? If so I can certainly see how death camps would pop up in your country.
RK: Please don’t call it a Polish death camp. Oh what’s the use.
MI: Hey look pal, my president called it a Polish death camp. And as a citizen of the world I think he knows what he’s talking about!
RK: I’m leaving. You are an imbecile. And if you were a man I’d challenge you to a duel?
MI: Why have a duel when you can just put me in a death camp?
RK: F#@! off! [Slams door shut as he leaves the room.]
I must say that this conversation changed forever my opinion of the Polish people. I used to like them. But not now. And I’m definitely not going to vacation there. Who knows what trumped up charges they’d arrest me on. I for one have no intention of dying in a Polish death camp! (602)