Today at Manhattan Infidel I am pleased to have as my guest Bo, the Portuguese water dog who became the pet of President Obama.
MI: Good afternoon Bo. It’s a pleasure to meet you. I wasn’t expecting to interview you today but when you called I couldn’t refuse.
Bo: Thanks. I need to talk.
MI: Okay. Let’s start out with the question everyone wants to know. What’s it like being the first pet?
Bo: That’s it? That’s your first question?
MI: Well, yeah. I always like to toss my guests a softball question first. You know, make them relaxed.
Bo: Man you’re lamer than Soledad O’Brien.
MI: You seem upset.
Bo: Ya think?
MI: Why is that? Is it the Republican party’s war on women? The lack of free birth control?
Bo: I’m a dog you idiot. My balls were chopped off long ago. No. I’m talking about the fact that President Obama has admitted to eating dog meat.
MI: What? My god! How awful. Why haven’t I heard of this before? It wasn’t mentioned on any of the porn, er, news sites I frequent daily.
Bo: Like I said. Soledad O’Brien. Anyway I’m here to get my story out.
MI: But you seemed so happy at the White House. Look at this picture. President Obama has you on a leash and you are both jogging around the White House grounds. It’s adorable.
Bo: Adorable? Adorable? I was running for my life. This was the first time I met him and he says to me, “Bo, you look delicious. I’m going to make you a Chicago style dog.” What the hell is that man? What the hell is that?
MI: It’s a hot dog served on a poppy-seed bun topped with mustard, chopped white onions, sweet pickle relish, a dill pickle, tomato slices and a dash of celery salt. They’re delicious. You should try one.
MI: Oh sorry. I didn’t mean - [There is a knocking at the door] – who the hell is that. Yes? May I help you?
President Obama: Manhattan Infidel, it’s me, President Obama. Have you seen my dog Bo?
Bo: Hide me! Quick hide me!
MI: Here, hide in the stove.
President Obama: Manhattan Infidel open up. This is President Obama. [Forces door open.] Alright Manhattan Infidel where’s he hiding?
MI: He’s not in the stove!
President Obama: Oh! He’s hiding in the stove, eh?
MI: Now look, would I turn on the gas if my friend Bo were hiding in there?
President Obama: You might, Manhattan Infidel, you might.
MI: Well would I throw a lighted match in there if my friend Bo were in there? [throws a match in stove. It explodes.]
President Obama: All right Manhattan Infidel, you’ve convinced me. I’ll look for Bo in the city. [He leaves.]
MI: The coast is clear Bo. He’s gone.
Michelle Obama: Manhattan Infidel I have the house surrounded. It’s Michelle Obama.
Bo: Jiggers. Not her!
Michelle Obama: Open up! This is Michelle Obama! [Bursts through door.] All right Manhattan Infidel. Where’s Bo? Where’s he hiding?
MI: He’s not in the stove.
Michelle Obama: Oho! He’s hiding in the stove, eh?
MI: Would I turn on the gas if he was in there?
Michelle Obama: You might, Manhattan Infidel, you might.
MI: Well would I throw a lighted match in there if he was in there?
Bo: Oh no you don’t. [Bo bursts out of stove and throws himself at Michelle Obama's feet] Take me with you. Don’t leave me with this crazy blogger! Eat me! Eat me!
And so ended my strange interview with Bo, the President’s dog. Speaking of dogs, I’m in the mood for a Chicago dog. Those things are delicious. (2644)