Thousands of Afghans descended on Bagram airbase to protest the desecration, shouting, “Two, four, six, eight, burning Korans is hate, hate, hate!” “Stop American desecration” and for some strange reason “She’s got electric boots, a mohair suit you know I read it in a magazine B-B-B-B-Bennie and the Jets.”
In an attempt to minimize the outrage, NATO commanding general John R. Allen issued a statement that said, “I offer my sincere apologies for any offense that may have been caused. It was a misunderstanding. We were supposed to be burning the collected works of James Fenimore Cooper. Why burn Cooper? Have you ever read any of his crap?
NATO has announced that henceforth all coalition forces will take sensitivity classes. In the class, tentatively entitled, “Good soldiers. Good Metrosexuals” troops will be shown a Koran and a copy of Last of the Mohicans side by side. Troops will be asked to burn the book that “has the greater potential for evil.”
Those who burn the Koran will have to take additional sensitivity courses. Those who burn the Cooper novel will be promoted.
“Naturally we won’t tell them beforehand which one to burn but we’re hoping they recognize true evil when they see it.”
To further heighten sensitivity, NATO troops will be instructed that instead of burning the Koran, a proper way to dispose of it will be to use it as toilet paper.
“NATO is very green. And using available paper this way makes great use of available resources.”
Also, to guard against further inflaming Muslim sentiment ice cream will be banned on all coalition bases.
“The swirls in the ice cream are offensive to the prophet.”
NATO has released the following list of items that are offensive to Muslims and will be banned:
- James Fenimore Cooper novels
- The Chevy Vega
- Suzanne Vega
- Season eight of Dallas
- Dallas Mavericks
- Dallas Green
- Left legs
- Miley Cyrus
- 100 watt light bulbs
Note: In this the Muslim world and the west are in full agreement.
- The New York Mets
Note: In this the Muslim world and the west are in full agreement
- Any song of Elton John that isn’t Benny and the Jets
Note: Well this is just common sense.
- Andy Dick
Note: ‘Nuff said.
- All seasons of Bewitched with Dick Sargent
- The internet
- Freedom of religion
- Free speech
- The Sun
- The Andromeda galaxy
- Lower lips
It is hoped that by releasing the list any further misunderstandings between NATO and the Muslim community. (1949)