On February 20, 2009, a date that will (or is it shall?) live in infamy, the blog known as Manhattan Infidel debuted. On February 21st, 2009, encouraged that the logs showed two hits Manhattan Infidel swore off all human contact to concentrate on the fame and fortune that no doubt would surely follow. And here it is three years later. I decided to celebrate my blogoversary as any man would do who has a healthy emotional, spiritual and psychological life: I paid a woman I’ve never met before to dress up as a French maid and clean me. Because I’m oh so dirty. And filthy. And naughty. But on to the celebration!
Note to self: Hire another woman next year. She missed a spot.
The ancient Mayans prophesied that the world would end in 2012 – strange that they used the western calendar but who am I to question the wisdom of the ancients – but not before everyone suffered from anal leakage. So not knowing if there will be a fourth blogoversary and in the spirit of the end of the world I now open the reader mail bag.
King Shamus writes, “Happy blogoversary. Um, I have kind of an embarrasing question. Lately I’ve been suffering from anal leakage. Any suggestions?”
Excellent question my friend. The world is ending. Eat more potato chips. It’s what the Mayans would have wanted.
The infamous reprobate known as M.B. of Brooklyn writes, “There is something leaking from my ceiling. I’m afraid it’s the dead bodies I have up there. Is it anal leakage? What should I do?”
Not to worry M.B. of Brooklyn. Dead bodies are physically incapable of anal leakage. Though early in the decomposition process gas builds up in the stomach, leading eventually to the stomach bursting. That might be your problem. To avoid this do what I do: Wrap the bodies in water-proof plastic bags. Get an axe and dig a new hole in your garage floor. Place the bodies in hole and reseal the floor with concrete. Of course do this while the garage door is closed so the nosy neighbors won’t ask what you are doing.
Innominatus writes, “I live in Oregon and lately I’ve been having a huge problem with anal leakage. I mean, it’s gotten to the point where I’m using the stuff as brake fluid in my car. What should I do?”
Innominatus what can I say? I wouldn’t worry about it. The world is going to end soon anyway. But just in case what model is your car? The leakage is incompatible with certain models. Oh, and eat more potato chips. Make a Mayan happy.
The power mad scoundrel known as D.B. of Philadelphia writes, “Manhattan Infidel you cannot stop me! One day the world will be mine! Mine I say! Ha ha! Mine! And, um, would diapers help with my anal leakage?”
I apologize for D.B. readers. He works for an accounting firm and it obviously has gone to his head. As for diapers “helping” no they will not. Not with the problem anyway but they obviously will help with the mess.
Matt from Conservative Hideout 2.0 writes “Happy blogoversary. But if the Mayans are correct that the world is going to end this year do I still need to recycle my anal leakage?”
Yes Matt. It’s simply good citizenship. As a matter of fact I encourage you to eat more potato chips. Your recycled anal leakage will help stop global warming. Do it for the polar bears!
S.J. of Harlem writes, “I do not eat potato chips and I do not suffer from anal leakage. So there!’
S.J. are you suggesting the Mayans are wrong? And what gives you the right to go against the wisdom of the ancients. Get thee to a deli and buy some potato chips. Now!
K.F. of Long Island writes, “I have a real problem with anal leakage. I think it’s from all those years of rooting for the Mets.”
K.F. Yep. That’ll do it everytime.
Jim from Conservatives on Fire writes, “Here in Venezuela Chavez give the poor anal leakage for free!”
Jim: And who says socialism isn’t benevolent?
Jimmy the Hat of somewhere in Pennsylvania but works in Manhattan writes, “Congratulations on three years. As I was saying to my friend Rick the Stick just the other day, ‘Not directly on it stupid!’ But I don’t understand your concern with anal leakage. At the bar I hang out at they put it in all the mixed drinks.”
J.H. Remind me not to let you buy me a drink.
M.K. of Right Wing Theocrat writes, “Does anal leakage go counterclockwise in the Northern hemisphere?”
That’s an excellent question. Unfortunately I’m not bendy enough to find out. Maybe if I start hitting the gym I might be in a few months.
And there you have it readers. My reader mailbag on my third blogoversary. Will there be a fourth blogoversary? Only if the Mayans were wrong. And really, what are the chances of that? (1531)