King Kong, the abnormally large primate, has been arrested, fined and released by the NYPD after his climb up the Empire State Building.
Speaking to reporters outside the Midtown South Precinct on 35th street where he was brought for booking, Kong expressed dismay at his arrest.
This whole thing was blown out of proportion. Look, I’m just a tourist. That’s all. Millions of tourists come to New York City every year. I just wanted to see the view from the top of the Empire State Building but I’m too big to fit in the elevator so I climbed up the outside of the bulding. Who did I hurt? I mean, besides the planes I swatted down? I was just chilling and enjoying the view when planes showed up and started firing on me. So I said to myself, “Self, this isn’t a good situation.” So I climb back down. And when I get to the ground the NYPD arrests me. For what? They even made me pee in a cup!
For their part the NYPD is claiming that Kong’s climb up the Empire State Building represented a significant threat, frightened citizens, and in this time of budget cutting, resulted in significant costs in overtime for the NYPD and the sanitation department.
We received reports that an abnormally sized primate was climbing up the side of the Empire State Building. We immediately put our anti-terrorism task force into action, including helicopters and planes to stop the threat. I am proud of our department. I am proud of our actions. Because of us no civilians were injured. We did lose several uniformed officers when Kong deposited a pile of his feces onto 33rd street. Several officers had to be dug out. Some are still missing. Mr. Kong has been charged with climbing up the outside of the Empire State Building without a permit and depositing waste onto a city street. He has been released on his own recognizance.
In addition to his trouble with the police, the FDA also would like to talk to Mr. Kong. Margaret Hamburg, commissioner of the Food and Drug Administration has announced that she believes that Kong’s size is the result of “rampant abuse of steroids and HGH.”
“With his size he’d be an asset to our defensive line. He can help us go to the Superbowl. Next year. Maybe. I know I say that every year. But I’m an idiot. An idiot who likes feet.”
The only problem? Kong is currently under contract to Manchester United of the Premiere League. (1459)