Bozo the Clown, beloved to generations of children around the globe died today after a shootout with police. The end came for Bozo at 3:22 P.M. when a SWAT team opened fire on his hideout. Bozo was cut down in a fusillade of bullets, ending an eight-hour rampage of terror.
At approximately 7:30 AM a call went out over police scanners to be on the lookout for a “highly suspicious looking” character wanted in connection with a home invasion. Six minutes later Bozo was spotted in his Jaguar XF. He was pulled over for questioning. Said the officer at the scene:
Well, we were looking for a suspicious looking character and up pops this bald-headed guy with red hair, big red nose and a pasty white complexion. I mean, who wouldn’t pull this freak over? I asked him his name and he said ‘Bozo.’ Well that got me mad. I said ‘Look chump did you just call me a bozo? Put your f##(#ing hands up and get out of the damn car! My partner cuffed him and roughed him up a little. Nothing serious, just sending a message that he shouldn’t disrespect a cop. I then ran his plates. Well he was clean so I was about to take the cuffs off when I noticed they were already off. I pulled out my service revolver and said ‘Sir why are you not cuffed?’ He said, get this, ‘I’m a clown. It’s magic.’ And then he squirted me with water. So I knew immediately we were dealing with a drug addict. Probably high on horse tranquilizers or something. Definitely dangerous. I told him to put his hands behind his head and he said ‘You don’t want to be mean to Bozo!’ Well, that’s a threat. So we started firing. He ran into the bushes. I think one of my bullets hit him on the nose. I heard a ‘Boing’ and then this freak yelled ‘That really stings.’ We lost him in the bushes so we called in chopper support.
Police helicopters spent the next couple hours roaming over the woods next to the freeway looking for the suspect.
“We almost had him one time I thought” said a SWAT officer on the chopper. “I saw these big footprints. Really big footprints. Turns out it was just Rosie O’Donnell killing and eating a deer.”
For hours Bozo eluded capture until 3:00 when he made a call from his cell phone.
Bozo: I’d like to order twenty large cheese pizzas.
Dominos: Yes sir. That’s a lot of pizza. Are you having a party?
Bozo: Why yes. I have lots of boys and girls here. We’re having fun.
Police triangulated the location of Bozo’s call using cell towers and were able to locate him. Said an officer:
We wanted him for questioning. But when we heard the freak say he had boys and girls we knew we had a hostage situation. A pedophile hostage situation.
A shoot to kill order was given.
“Our first priority was the safety of the children and the best way of doing that was killing him.”
Officers surrounded Bozo’s hideout and told him to come out with his hands up. The suspect came out and said “Are you here to join my party?”
This enraged the officers.
We were dealing with a freak. A drug addicted freak. A pedophile drug addicted freak with no conscience. So we opened fire.
Bozo was hit by approximately 53 bullets, dying instantly. Officers were then surrounded by the grateful children.
Well, they were crying a lot and they kept asking us why we killed Bozo but I think they were happy to see us.
Officers on the scene calmed the children down by ordering more pizza.
Bozo’s body currently lies in the city morgue. It has not been claimed. (4953)