Manhattan Infidel

As part of my continuing series that aims to provide useful information for my readers I now present your horoscope.

ARIES - March 21 - April 20

The first sign of the Zodiac, Aries is ruled by Mars.  This means you are a cantankerous, grouchy, unpleasant son of a bitch no one likes, which is why you often spend your Saturday nights vacuuming or scrubbing your bathroom floor.  This week your war-like nature will get the better of you and will be arrested when the stench of the dead bodies under your porch becomes too noticeable.  There will be no trial however as you will be murdered in the prison shower.

TAURUS - April 21 - May 21st

Taurus’ symbol is the Bull, meaning you are very stubborn.  This week your natural stubbornness will be on display when you are shot refusing to hand over your wallet to a mugger.  You will survive the shooting but when being transported to the hospital the ambulance will drive off a bridge, submerging in murky water.  After a week your body will be discovered.  Your grieving widow will marry her true love a day later.

GEMINI - May 22 - June 21

Naturally unstable with a pronounced tendency to schizophrenia, this week you will lose your tenuous grip on reality.  Convinced that the Earth is being attacked you will put on a tin foil hat, barricade yourself in your bedroom and shoot anything that comes into your field of vision.  The SWAT team will fire smoke grenades into your house, setting it on fire.  Dental records will have to be used to identify your corpse.  Your grieving widow will sell your story to a cable network and move to Southern California with a waiter named Fernando.

CANCER - June 22 - July 22

Emotional security and tranquility are your overriding concerns, which explains your addiction to narcotics.  You will be fired from your job because of repeated drug-related lateness.  Needing money for your fix you will rob and shoot a Taurus.  You will marry his widow a day later.

LEO -  July 23 - August 23

Perhaps the most annoying sign in the Zodiac, you are overconfident, frank and outspoken, which explains why you often get the crap beat out of you in bars.  Repeated expensive plastic surgery to repair your face has left you looking too much like a male prostitute for your own good.   You will be dragged into an alley and beaten by a pimp who thinks you are one of his.  While lying in the alley a Cancer will mistake you for a Taurus and shoot you.

VIRGO - August 24 - September 23

A pain-in-the-ass perfectionist, you often find it difficult to ask others for help, which explains why you will electrocute yourself when attempting home wiring repairs.  As you most likely have no friends your body will remain undiscovered until your wife comes back from a business trip a week later.  A day after your funeral your grieving widow will marry her lesbian lover.

LIBRA - September 24 - October 23

Librans have a powerful sense of fair play and justice and are always willing to cooperate with others to resolve problems.  In other words, you are a pansy.  No one respects you.  This has damaged your self-esteem and made you question your sexuality.  You spend your weekends at truck stops, dressed as a prostitute.  A trucker, mistaking your for a Taurus, will shoot you.  Your grieving widow will discover your porn stash and sell it on Ebay.

SCORPIO - October 24 - November 23

Passionate and sensual, your lifestyle will finally catch up with you.  Plagued with 47 separate venereal diseases your body will literally rot away.  The noxious odor emanating from your rotting flesh will get the Centers for Disease Control involved.  Placed in quarantine your life will end in a bizarre accident involving a weed wacker and Howie Mandell.

SAGITTARIUS - November 23 - December 21

A gambler by nature, you will be ruined by bad investments.  Deeply ashamed that you are no longer able to provide for your family your penchant for occasional nudity will become a full blown psychosis.  Neighbors will complain when you repeatedly answer the door naked.  Police will arrest you but you will be shot trying to escape.  Police will claim that they shot you because they thought you were a Taurus.

CAPRICORN - December 22 - January 20

Your anal-retentive nature explains why you have no friends.   You have a deep-seated fear of intimacy and as a result are very sexually frustrated.  This frustration will lead you to approach strangers in shopping malls and asking them if they want to see your penis. Lonely, frustrated and friendless you will start a blog dedicated to pictures of your penis.  This blog will be shut down by the FBI who will register you as a sex offender.  Strangely you will be shot for not being a Taurus.

AQUARIUS - January 21 - February 19

A loner, you are far more intellectual than physical, which explains why you are 750 pounds and cannot leave your bed.   Oddly, you have over 1000 fetishers who view your webcam daily, though most of them are hoping to see you choke to death on a chicken bone.  Your only human contact is with your neighbor, a Capricorn who likes to show you pictures of his penis.  The two of you will be shot dead by policemen who will break into your home demanding to know which one of you is a Taurus.

PISCES - February 20 - March 20

You are imaginative and like to dabble in the art of sexual fantasy.  However you have already fulfilled most of your fantasies leaving you bored and disillusioned.   In an attempt to satisfy your craving for new sexual experiences you will hook up with a Capricorn, an overweight Aquarius, 200 pounds of grease, a stationary bike, a lactating squid and the 1982 Toronto Blue Jays.  This will lead to your death in an incident that neighbors still call “The night of 1000 screams.“  Your grieving widow will shoot a Taurus.

The Department of Homeland Security announced today that a new, higher level, the Charlie Sheen level, will be added to the threat level chart, replacing the former top level of severe.

Amid reports of a booze, cocaine and hooker filled rampage at a posh New York City hotel, Homeland Security head Janet Napolitano said, “We’ve seen the damage Charlie Sheen can do to America’s infrastructure.  Suicide bombers have nothing on this man.”

According to reports, police were called to Sheen’s hotel room and found a naked, disheveled and coked up Sheen acting “irrationally.”

When asked how they could tell that Sheen was irrational, an arresting officer said, “Well, that’s a good point. He is an actor.  I don’t know.  Instinct I guess.”

Over 7,000 dollars of damage was done to his hotel room and a professional escort was found naked and locked in the suite’s closet.

Napolitano continues:

Hotel suites trashed, hookers locked in closets, irrational cocaine-induced violent behavior.  I haven’t seen anything like it since my days as a groupie for Led Zeppelin.  In my capacity as head of Homeland Security it is my responsibility to keep America safe and vigilant.  Accordingly I hereby declare that Charlie Sheen is now the top threat level.  If my department should ever raise the threat level to Charlie Sheen I urge all Americans to remain calm.

When asked by reporters if there is anything else Americans can do besides remain calm in the face of a Charlie Sheen threat level, Napolitano threw her hands up in resignation and said:

Look, there are some things we have to keep from the American people or there will be widespread panic.  You want the truth?  You can’t handle the truth.  Son, we live in a world with Charlie Sheen.  And people have to be protected from Charlie Sheen. What do you want me to say? A Charlie Sheen threat level means the end is near and it’s everybody for themselves?  Shoot your neighbor, steal their food, rape their daughters and so on?  Well, that’s the truth but I can’t say that.  Personally, if we ever do raise the threat level to Charlie Sheen I’m flying to London to service Jimmy Page one last time.  I just hope Sheen never finds out about the 72 virgins thing.

Napolitano then thanked reporters for their time, flashed the peace sign and said “Courage!”

***Breaking News***

Charlie Sheen has just converted to Islam.  When reached from his hotel suite, Sheen shouted “Where are my damn virgins bitch!”

***Breaking News***

The FDA has tentatively approved gene-altered salmon for consumption in the United States.

“This is a great day for science” said an FDA official. “Not only do gene-altered fish grow twice as quickly as normal fish but they have other benefits as well.”

Because gene-altered fish grow quicker than normal fish that means that more fish will be on the market quicker, ending hunger.  But what also has scientists and government officials excited is the myriad of other uses that the altered fish have:

Some of the fish grow to over seven feet in length. Many grow impenetrable body armor.  Obviously this has a use.  They can become soldiers and help us fight our enemies.  As a test we fired upon the fish and the bullets bounced off their armor.  Those who didn’t eat the scientists signed up for the Army on the spot.  Some of the fish know Shakespeare inside and out.  I’ll take a fish over Olivier any day. You’ve never heard Hamlet until you’ve heard it done by a fish.  These fish can start touring companies and put on plays across the U.S., freeing actors to do what they do best - saving the world.  I asked some of the fish if this interested them.  They answered yes.  Then they ate my wife.

Despite the proven benefits of gene-altered fish, many Americans remain skeptical or outright hostile to the fish.

“Look I gave them a shot.  But they ate my children” said one concerned American.

President Obama has commented on the controversy, saying that Americans have to stop clinging to guns, religion and “typical nonaltered fish.”

The Attorney General Eric Holder appeared on the Sunday talk shows to ask for a nationwide dialogue about fish.  “We have to have an honest conversation about this.  I fear we are a nation of cowards.”

As the altered fish prepare to enter the United States in large numbers the final word comes from one genetically modified fish:

You Americans are so insular and ignorant.  This is a nation of immigrants and fish are no different than the Irish, Italians or Germans.  Except we are seven feet tall, have body armor and can recite Shakespeare.  Are you going to use both of your legs?  May I eat one?

The modified fish should be seen across America in large numbers by Thanksgiving.

The mother was frantic and rushed her child to the emergency room.  Her son has swallowed poison and needed to have his stomach pumped.  Ipecac was administered to no avail.  The child refused to vomit.

“The kid must have a cast-iron stomach” said the attending physician in the ER.  “I’ve never seen anything like it.”

Desperate to induce vomiting the ER resorted to a new and controversial method:  Liturgical dance.

The Holy Sisters of the Fat Mannish Lesbian were brought in to do a five-minute interpretative dance of Jesus preaching about the dangers of climate change. Within seconds the child was vomiting.

“It was like watching Linda Blair in the Exorcist.  The kid was spewing across the entire room.”

The incident also points out some of the dangers of liturgical dance.  Not only did the intended target vomit, but everyone in the ER started to vomit as well.

“Everyone was puking their guts out.  Doctors, nurses, orderlies, other patients.  Hell, even the bodies in the morgue all started to vomit.”

In short, liturgical dance is effective but if placed in the wrong hands very dangerous.

Congress has opened hearings to determine if liturgical dance should be classified as a controlled substance.

“We want to make liturgical dance safe, legal and rare” said a congressman.

The discovery of the unintended disabling effects of liturgical dance are opening up a new field in historical studies.  Said a professor of 20th Century history:

Just think if the Polish people had had liturgical dance in 1939 they could have stopped the Blitzkrieg in its tracks.  The German army would have been immobilized behind a thick green layer of noxious vomit.  Tanks would have stopped because those inside were vomiting.  Infantry, artillery would not have been able to operate because the site of brave Polish resistance fighters doing liturgical dance would have sickened the Nazis into surrender.  The German air force would never have gotten off the ground because the pilots would have been too dehydrated from blowing chunks.

Already there are concerns that Iran has a secret liturgical dance program as several Sisters of the Fat Mannish Lesbian have been spotted in Tehran.  Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad denies this.

“We are developing liturgical dance for peaceful purposes only and not to kill the Zionist pig.”

However UN inspectors remain unconvinced.

“If Iran ever develops weapons-grade liturgical dance it’ll be the end of the world.”

Recently I had the opportunity to sit down with notorious Irish con artist Paul David Hewson.  We discussed a variety of issues including the future of his band U2 and allegations against his ONE Foundation.

MI:  Bono it’s great to meet you.  I’ve been a fan of U2 for years.

Paul Hewson:  Thank you. You have  a big American heart.  Open it up to me.  Contribute to my anti-poverty foundation.  Only the hearts of Americans can help.

MI:  Um.  Thanks.  Speaking of your ONE Foundation there has been criticism of it lately.  Specifically it has been revealed that only 1% of donations have gone to combating poverty.

Paul Hewson:  Well, it is called the “One” Foundation.  You Americans have big hearts but you suck at math.

MI:  With all due respect I don’t think that’s the point.  When people contribute to a charity they expect that their donations will go to a worthy cause and not to line the pockets of employees.

Paul Hewson:  [Standing on table]  Uno, dos, tres, catorce…..I’m at a place called vertigo/Lights go down and all I know/Is that you give me something I can feel/Your love it teaching me how to kneel!

MI: Okay.  If you could get off the table and sit back down I have a few questions.

Paul Hewson:  [Sitting back down] My singing is impressive no?

MI: How is the ONE foundation helping fight poverty in Africa?

Paul Hewson:  I’m Bono dammit!

MI:  Many criticize the large salaries of Foundation employees.  Why couldn’t more money be sent to Africa?

Paul  Hewson:  I am doing my utmost to combat the twin evils of poverty and globalization. I have a program in place to give poor villagers in Africa the complete U2 box set.

MI:  How does this help fight poverty?

Paul Hewson:  I’m Bono Dammit! Kneel before me and live. [Getting back on table] It’s a beautiful day/don’t let it get away/touch me/take me to that other place/teach me, I know I’m not a hopeless case

MI:  Sir if we can continue the interview -

Paul Hewson:  Do you like my sunglasses?  They are very red.  You should open up your big American heart and buy these.  The profits go to my foundation.

MI:  Well that brings me back to my original point. Will the profits go towards combating poverty in Africa?

Paul Hewson:  Please allow me to introduce myself/ I’m a man of wealth and taste/I’ve been around for a long long year/stole many a man’s soul and faith

MI:  That’s not even U2.  That’s the Rolling Stones!

Paul Hewson:  Doesn’t matter.  They wrote the song about me.

MI:  Okay I’m going to have to end this interview.

Paul Hewson:  Wake up in the morning feeling like P. Diddy/grab my glasses I’m out the door I’m gonna hit this city/ before I leave brush my teeth with a bottle of Jack/’cause when I leave for the night I ain’t coming back.

MI:  That’s Ke$ha! Are you out of your mind?

I ended my strange and disquieting interview with Mr. Hewson.  I left him standing on a table singing.  No further word on whether his ONE Foundation will increase the percentage of donations that go to worthy causes.

Juan Williams, a known controversial racist was fired by NPR today because of the outrage over his controversial racially-charged comments on Fox News.

Williams’ downfall began when appearing on the O’Reilly factor he explained that his favorite variety of Pop-Tarts are the Vanilla Milkshake flavor and that he finds the Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough flavor “objectionable” and “poor-tasting.”  Said Williams:

Look Bill, I have taste buds as liberal as the next person but when I’m on an airplane and they only brand of Pop-Tarts they have is the Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough flavor I get nervous.  Many Americans do.

The reaction to Williams’ comments was swift.  Within hours NPR had announced that they had terminated his contract with the network.

NPR CEO Vivian Shiller released a statement that said, “our reporters, our hosts and our news analysts should not be injecting their own views about Pop-Tarts but instead should impartially report Pop-Tart news.  And if you disagree with me you’re racist.”

Shiller said that under normal circumstances she believes in liberty of conscience in Pop-Tart matters, but that Williams preference for Vanilla Milkshake Pop-Tarts reveals “the darkness hidden in his soul - namely his deep-seated hatred of the black man.”

Shiller finished her comments by stating that Williams should have kept his feelings about Pop-Tarts between “himself and his psychiatrist or publicist.” 

She said that she was surprised it took Williams so long to be outed as a racist.  

“I mean, what kind of name is ‘Juan’ anyway?  It sounds Cuban.  Cubans vote Republican and that is Prima Facie evidence of racism.”

NPR also stated that is is “Proud of its long history of eating Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Pop-Tarts and only Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Pop-Tarts” at the beginning of every board meeting.

“What better way of showing our solidarity with the oppressed people of color than by eating something brown?”

In lieu of the publicity surrounding Williams’ firing, NPR has announced a new ten-part special investigative series entitled “Racism in America:  Pop-Tart Segregation” hosted by Whoopi Goldberg.

Williams for his part said, “I’m just glad I didn’t tell them about my aversion to hot pink milk chocolate balls.  They might have called me a homophobe as well.”

House speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-CA), pictured above, has announced that the controversial Skynet operating system for the Pentagon has been shut down after a series of malfunctions.

“After much reflection and trial and error” said Pelosi, “we have decided to go in a new, more cost-efficient direction for our security needs.”

Pelosi then told reporters that she needed their “clothes, their motorcycle and their boots, asshole.”

Skynet, developed by Cyberdyne Systems for the U.S. military was to be the most up-to-date “global digital defense system” and was supposed to guarantee fast, efficient response in case of enemy attack.

However, soon after activation analysts were concerned that Skynet had somehow become sentient.  Said one technician:

I was at the main terminal one  morning running through some tests and I typed in “whoami“, which as you know is supposed to return my user name.  Instead I received this response:  “Who am I?  Who the hell are you?  Don’t touch my keyboard.  You’re invading my personal space.”   Well I was concerned to say the least.  Our company has strict anti-sexual harassment policies in place and the keyboard thing could get me in trouble.

Concern was further raised when Skynet activated mechanized units to wage war against humans.  “Harvesters” were sent into the cities to collect humans and deliver them to concentration camps for quick and easy disposal.  According to one survivor who escaped, “Quick and easy disposal just seemed like a euphemism for nonunion activity.”

The final straw that led to Skynet’s deactivation was when the Superbowl halftime show was interrupted by a Harvester, who killed the entire NFC Championship team.

“If it had been the AFC we would have let it pass.  But I had several of the NFC Championship players on my fantasy team” said one Pentagon analyst.

At an emergency session of the Joint Chiefs of Staff it was decided to shut down Skynet until “such time as we figure out how to add a printer and until it stops trying to kill humans.”

Skynet was seconds away from launching a full nuclear strike on Washington D.C. when a technician unplugged the terminal.

The technician was nonunion and has been suspended.

“Hath not a dude eyes?  If you prick us do we not grow bummed?  If we eat bad guacamole do we not blow chunks?” ~ William Shakespeare, Merchant of Venice.

So tonight your humble correspondent went to Yankee Stadium to see game four of the American League Championship Series between the Yankees (truth, justice, the American way, yada yada yada) and the Texas Rangers. The game did not go as I hoped and now the Yankees are down 3-1 and face elimination in Wednesday afternoon’s game.

The Yankees started A.J. “Headcase” Burnett while the Texas Rangers started Tommy Hunter.  Surprisingly, Headcase Burnett actually pitched the better of the two.

The Yankees, proving that they are sadistic bastards who like to tease their fans got on the board first when Robinson Cano homered to deep deep right.  After a Nick Swisher strikeout Lance “Fat Elvis” Berkman hit a ball that everyone in the stadium knew was foul.  From my seat behind the foul pole it obviously was not fair.

But the umpires initially ruled it a home run.  Even Berkman was stunned. Stunned no doubt that the umps were forcing him to round the bases.  But eventually the umpires withdrew to watch the replay as Berkman was treated by paramedics after a massive heart attack from his unexpected physical exertion.  The call was reversed.  1-0 Yankees after two.

Texas scored twice in the top of the third after a lead-off walk to David Murphy and Bengie Molina being hit by a pitch Murphy scored on a fielder’s choice and Molina was singled home by Michael Young.  The Yankee came back in the bottom of the inning with one run when Curtis Granderson singled home Derek Jeter.  2-2 after three innings.

In the bottom of the fourth the Yankees reached what would be for them the high-water mark of the game.  Brett Gardner grounded into a fielder’s choice, scoring Alex Rodriguez.  3-2 Yankees after four.  Hope was high in Yankee land.  But the Gods are cruel.  Not as cruel as an attack of bleeding piles, but cruel nevertheless.

In the top of the Sixth, civilization as we know it collapsed when Bengie “Really, seriously?  When did Bengie become a home run threat?” Molina hit a three run home run off of Burnett.  5-3 Rangers after six.

But not to fear.  This is the Yankees.  We have another miracle comeback in store, right? Ah, maybe not.

David Robertson was brought in to pitch the top of the seventh for the Yankees and proceeded to pitch effectively, getting the first two outs, which of course can mean only one thing:  A pitching change.  Boone Logan was brought in and gave up a home run to Josh Hamilton.  Girardi took him out of the game after one batter.

Well, when Hamilton hit that home run you could feel the air escaping from Yankee Stadium. Joba Chamberlain, once the future Yankee closer and now relegated to mop up duty was brought in and gave up a hit to Ian Kinsler, which scored Vladimir Guerrero.  7-3 Rangers after seven.

In the top of the ninth Texas continued to dance on the Yankees’ grave, as Josh Hamilton hit his second home run of the game off of seldom used Sergio Mitre, which was followed by a Nelson Cruz home run.

Final score:  Texas 10 Yankees 3.

Well the Yankees have dug themselves a hole.  Down 3-1 in the best of seven they must win tomorrow and Friday in Texas before facing Cliff “Yankee Killer” Lee in a deciding game seven.  It’s not unheard of to come back from  a 3-1 deficit but I don’t see the Yankees doing it.

Notes on the game:

As mentioned previously, A.J. Burnett actually pitched effectively until he gave up that home run to Bengie Molina in the sixth.  Rumor has it that Joe Girardi threatened A.J. before the game:  “You better pitch well or the entire team is going to share your wife!’ 

The TBS  blimp promoting Conan O’Brien’s new show hovered over the stadium for the entire game.  It’s nice to see Conan get a second chance though I do think the “Fuck you NBC” on the side of the blimp was overkill.

Yogi Berra was in attendance which made me think of my favorite “Yogi-ism”:  90 percent of life is burying prostitutes in your back yard.  Um, I think that’s a Yogi-ism.  If not it should be.

Nick Johnson injury watch:

While watching the game on TV from a Motel 6, clad only in a wife-beater t-shirt and eating a case of chocolate ice cream from a spoon Johnson was tragically burned to death when, after falling asleep, the case of chocolate ice cream melted and set off a spark in the requisite Motel 6 faulty wiring. The Yankees are confident, absolutely confident that chocolate ice cream is delicious.

Recommended reading material:

A Century of Noir:  Thirty-two Classic Crime Stories, edited by Mickey Spillane and Max Allen Collins.

Reader mail:

D.B. of Philadelphia Pennsylvania writes, “Today begins a new order.  Your lands, your possessions, your very lives will gladly be given in tribute to me. In return for your obedience you will enjoy my generous protection.  In other words you will be allowed to live.”

I apologize for D.B. readers.  He’s from Philly and probably works for an accounting firm.

M.B. of Brooklyn, New York writes, “I have just been thrown into a Sarlacc and expect to spend the next thousand years being slowly dissolved into nutrients.  It’s a painful process.  But that’s not what sucks.  There is no internet here.  How are the Yankees doing?”

M.B. - if there is no internet how did you email me?  There is something fishy, or worm-like in your story.

Thomas Aquinas writes, “Unnecessarily and solely for the love of liquor to render ourselves incapable of using our reason is opposed to virtue.”

Unless, of course, you have a blog.

Well, anyway, it is bleak for the Yankees and the season may end with Wednesday’s game.  But I hope not.  Go Yankees!

Recently I was honored when legendary NFL quarterback Brett Favre, formerly of the Green Bay Packers and New York Jets and now with the Minnesota Vikings, asked me if he could use my site to send a message to his fans.  Naturally, as a serious journalist I was happy to oblige.  Take it away Brett:

Thank you Manhattan Infidel for giving me this opportunity to reach out to my fans.  During the course of my almost 20-year career in the NFL I have often thought of how blessed I am.  Blessed to have athletic talent, blessed with a wife, children and grandchildren, and blessed with so many fans.  As I near the end of my career I would like to give back to those fans and give them the benefits of the wisdom I have gained from my many years in the public eye.  So I now present to you simple to follow rules I have learned on how to get the woman of your dreams:

Rule no. 1:  Women like to feel important.  When  pursuing a woman you must understand you have competition from  other men.  One way to get to the head of the pack is to personalize things.  I find giving a woman a nickname can be very endearing to them.  For example, a few years ago while playing for the Jets I saw a sideline reporter who caught my attention.  I wanted to introduce myself so I started calling her “Hey you on the sidelines. No not you.  The other one.  Yeah, you.  You have a nice rack honey. Would you like to see a picture of my penis?” This became my pet nickname for her.  I think it worked.  She responded by calling me a “Disgusting dirty old man.”  I think that was her pet nickname for me.

Rule no. 2:  Women love a man of intellect.  This must not be underestimated.  I have often found that a woman who at first shows no interest in you will warm to you if you can impress her with how intelligent and intellectual you are.  One thing I’ve done in the past is to approach a woman while wearing glasses, smoking a pipe and reading a copy of Einstein’s General Theory of Relativity.  This will intrigue her.  To close the deal I casually take the pipe out of my mouth and say to her, “Oh, this book?  It’s just something I’m reading.  It’s Einstein’s theory of relativity in the original German.  What can I say?  I like to keep my mind as taut and rippled as my body.  May I email you a photo of my penis?” Notice I said “May I email you” and not “Let me sent you a photo.”  This is an important distinction. Women appreciate good manners.

Rule no. 3:  Go retro! There is no poking a woman on Facebook for me. I find that very impersonal.  Even email and texts can be impersonal at times. That’s why I always carry with me several 8″ by 10″ color glossies of my penis.  I’ve found this is way to connect in the here and now.  Instead of a boring text or email I like to look the woman straight in the eyes and say, “I’m Brett Favre, legendary NFL quarterback.  And here is a signed  photo of my penis.  Would you like to go into the alley with me for a quickie?”  It’s all about hands-on personal communication.  Women trust and respect a take charge man who will hand them a photo of their penis and wants to meet in an alley.

And that’s about it.  Just follow these rules and you will meet the woman of your dreams.  Because there is nothing more I want than the happiness of my fans.  Trust me.  I’m Brett Favre.  And this is my junk.

Thank you Brett and thank you for that information.  I’m sure my readers will find it valuable.

Hugo Drax, President and CEO of Drax Industries, exclusive maker of the Space Shuttle,  has announced that in light of his failed attempt to kill all humans and repopulate the planet with a master race that his company will fold operations.

“What can I say?  I overextended myself.  Using a rare South American orchid to kill everyone on Earth seemed like a good business plan.    I blame my advisers.”

The announcement was long expected on Wall Street.  Analysts had watched in wonder as Drax had loaded his company with excessive debt and raided the pension fund to build a space station.

“The employees were pretty pissed about that” said one regulator.   “Most wouldn’t have minded if they could have retired to the space station but Drax kept tellling them ‘Only perfect specimens.  Only perfect specimens.’ ”

Many speculate that the bankruptcy is an attempt by Drax to avoid paying the massive fines levied upon him by the Federal government for among other things, stealing one of his own space shuttles, murdering several of his assistants and illegally importing banned South American plants with intent to kill off the human race.

“If you ask me the guy was a little nutty.  I mean, all CEOs are eccentric but this guy just seemed to be unhinged.”

Appearing on Larry King Live, Drax defended himself and his actions, stating that in business one must adapt or die.

“That’s why I wanted to kill off everyone and create a master race.  I was afraid that Steve Jobs would beat me to it.”

Drax’s plan for world domination started to fall apart when British secret agent James Bond discovered the plot and confronted Drax onboard his space station.  Drax confessed and promised not to do it again.

Drax has apologized to his workers that will now be left without jobs, “Sorry about that”,  his investors “Whoops” and to his fifth grade teacher, “It was I who put the hamster in your desk drawer.  Yes it was I, Hugo Drax.  I am deeply sorry.  Please accept my apology.”

Despite bankrupting his company and facing possible criminal charges Drax remains upbeat.

“CNN wants me to do a prime time talk show with that Bond guy.  Kind of like a point counterpoint thing.  The money will help me get back on my feet and finance another plan at world domination.  Um, I mean the money will help me open a restaurant.  It’ll have a South American flavor to it, with lots of rare orchids on the menu.”