In Wake of Shooting, Ford’s Theater to Review Security Procedures
Friday, August 6th, 2010
Reacting to uproar over the assassination of President Lincoln, Ford’s Theater has announced a “complete overhaul” of their security procedures.
“We should have seen this coming” said the Director of Ford’s Theater. “What with our slogan and all.”
He is referring to Ford’s Theater’s official slogan of “Come for the play. Stay for the assassination. Free deviled eggs!”
The new slogan will be: “Come for the play. No assassination tonight. Deviled eggs five for a dollar.”
In addition to the change in slogan, ushers will have to ask all patrons if they plan to assassinate the President. Those who respond in the affirmative will have their deviled eggs confiscated. They will also be asked to have sexual relations with Mrs. Lincoln.
“Fear can be a very powerful motivator.”
The Presidential Box will become an “assassination free zone.” A security guard will be placed outside the box with orders to shoot on sight anyone “suspicious looking and/or with deviled eggs on their breath.”
The practice of pinning a note on the President’s back that says “Shoot me” will be discontinued.
“We feel these new procedures will help rehabilitate our image and we hope that President Johnson will visit us. We’ve even stocked the President’s box with plenty of booze.”
In related news the alleged assassin John Wilkes Booth was cornered and shot to death in a barn in Virginia.
“It was easy to find him” said the general in charge of the hunt. “We just followed the trail of deviled eggs.”