Manhattan Infidel

Following up on an earlier promise I have investigated further the mystery of Jack Lord’s hair.  My research concentrated on three areas.  Specifically,

• What is the nature of Jack Lord’s hair?
•  Has Jack Lord’s hair ever manifested unexplained powers?
•  Can prayer to Jack Lord’s hair help in difficult moments?

It appears from all available evidence that Jack Lord’s hair was an immovable object, unchangeable, eternal, immune to elements or any outside influence.  There is speculation that his hair is in fact the “first mover” of the universe and that time came into existence with Lord’s hair.  This of course cannot be proven  but many prominent theologians are of this opinion.  Said one:

His last name is a clue as to the true nature of his hair.  He was born John Joseph Patrick Ryan but took the stage name Jack Lord. What does that tell you?  Traditionally throughout western civilization the name “Lord” has been associated with power and majesty.  Perhaps this was his way of drawing attention to the true nature of his follicle development.  Perhaps he was manifesting his hair to a fallen humanity. Perhaps he was saying “My hair IS.”

While investigating possible manifestations of power from Jack Lord’s hair James MacArthur, who played loyal sidekick Danno, told me about a curious incident that happened during the first season of Hawaii Five-0:

During the filming of one episode a violent thunderstorm stopped production.  I saw a bolt of lightning hit Jack on the top of his head and I saw that his hair was on fire.  I ran over to put it out when I noticed that his hair, while on fire, was not consumed.  I was confused as to how this could be when I heard a voice saying, “I am Jack Lord’s hair.  You shall have no other hair but me.” I fell down at my feet and said, “Depart from me Jack Lord’s hair, for I am only a second banana.”

After this manifestion of Lord’s “Hairhead“, many began keep pictures of Jack Lord in their home and pray to his hair.   There were reports of miracles. MacArthur continues:

It was late at night and I was leaving a bar in Honolulu after having a few drinks.  I noticed two men following me.  They grabbed me.  One pulled a gun out and said he would shoot me if I didn’t give them all my money.  I thought I was going to be killed.  Then I shouted “The power of Jack Lord’s hair commands you.  Begone!”  Well, before you could say “The original Felix Leiter” the Earth beneath the two muggers opened up and they were swallowed whole! After that I never doubted the power of his hair.

So it seems that my original suspicions were correct.  Jack Lord’s hair is not just normal hair.  But don’t take my word for it, look at the picture and believe:

In a troubling reminder of the worst days of the 1980s when teenagers would go “wilding”, wreaking havoc on the citizenry, gangs of rogue mathematicians are refusing to show their work creating a new climate of fear.

“I went to class this morning and the professor had written a math solution on the blackboard but there was no work shown.  I asked him about this and he told me to go to Hell.  Then he called me a ‘bourgeois sophist.’  No one’s called me a bourgeois sophist since Axl Rose” said one student.

Colleges across the United States are reporting an alarming increase of math on math violence.

“I had one math professor walk up to me and ask me if I could name the first 25 prime numbers.  When I said I couldn’t he hit me over the head with a DVD of ‘Stand and Deliver” said a frightened student.  “I mean, I’ve always thought of math professors as hairy and harmless, like ’70s porn.  I expect this level of violence from my history professor but if math teachers are going to go all postal then I’m changing my major to comparative indigenous precolumbian lesbian studies.”

Another student woke to find the words “3x = 9″ spray painted on his front door.

“Naturally I didn’t know what it meant.  I was terrified.  Well, not as terrified as the time my girlfriend forced me to sit through the Sex and the City movie.  But I was still scared.”

Newspapers across the United States have reported getting anonymous letters from a group calling itself “The Math Liberation Front.”  Typical of the letters is this one:

People of America.  Wake up!  You are weak and for too long you have neglected Math.  We of the Math Liberation Front will continue with our random acts of math until this has changed.

Know your multiplications tables.  There is strength through multiplication.

P.S. - We don’t like the number “0″.  We seek to abolish it.

P.P.S. - Can anyone tell us where Bagel Street is?  We need to find the Susquehanna Hat Company.

P.P.P.S - We like pineapple on our pizza.  Mathematically it’s a very logical topping.

From Washington, Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano told reporters that, while she is trying to remain optimistic, “if we’ve lost the mathematicians then it’s time to give up.  The end of the world is near.”

She then ordered her lunch:  Pizza with pineapple topping.

Gor Khan, a 37 year old Klingon working at a local suicide prevention hotline has been fired after it was discovered that his “call disposition” actually led to suicides.

“I blame myself for hiring him” said supervisor Greg Hughes.  “He seemed like he really wanted to help.  But the poor guy just didn’t have the right bedside manner, so to speak.”

After being hired, Khan underwent the mandatory one-day training where he  learned how to deal with potential suicides and then was given a cubicle to begin work.

“The trouble began with his first call” said Hughes.  A transcript of that call has been provided to this reporter:

Khan:  Suicide prevention hotline.  How may I assist you?

Caller:  Hello.  I’m really confused and frightened.  I lost my job and my wife left me.  I have nothing to live for.

Khan:  Today is a good day to die!

Caller:  What?

Khan: You Regulan bloodworm.  You have no honor.

“I cut him some slack.  I figured it was his first call and maybe he just needed to some more practice.  So I took him out to lunch and gave him a pep talk.”

However Khan’s second call revealed that the pep talk did not work.

Khan:  Suicide prevention hotline.  How may I assist you?

Caller:  I’m going to end it all man.  Don’t try to talk me out of it. I have a gun and I’m going to do it!

Khan:  You miserable petaQ!   Your mother has a smooth forehead.

Caller:  I…what?  Seriously don’t try to stop me I’m going to end it all.

Khan:  Go ahead.  If you cannot do it yourself you miserable spineless human I’ll get my bat’leth and finish the job. [Sound of gunshot is heard on tape]

After the second call Khan was escorted out of the building by security.

“It’s a shame” said Hughes. “I really thought he’d work out.  He seemed empathetic and he was a wizard at using Excel spreadsheets.”

As for Khan, he landed on his feet and immediately acquired a job working the Help Desk at a local television station.

Anchor:  Hey, I’m going on the air in five minutes but I’ve forgotten my password.  Can you reset it for me?

Khan:  You incompetent To-pah!

Anchor:  What?  Hey, is that a bat’leth?  Oh my god no!

When John Baker bought a trendy five million dollar mansion on Long Island he thought it was a dream come true.  Instead he heard noises in the night and furniture that had been rearranged or gone missing.

“I started hearing voices.  I was concerned that it might be ghosts” said Mr. Baker.

“So I went down into the living room and saw a couple ghosts rearranging my furniture.  I have a window seat.  Everyone who’s seen it likes it.  They always compliment me and say how classy it looks.  Well the ghosts said it should be free-standing and moved it to the center of the living room.  They said it would foster intimacy in my spiritual life.  Now everyone keeps tripping over it.”

Mr. Baker told the ghosts to stop what they were doing and that the window seat would remain where it was.

“The ghosts told me that I should stop being concerned with externals and open myself up to reform.  I don’t mind being haunted but do they have to be so smug?  I would punch them in the face if they had corporeal form.”

Mr. Baker then asked the ghosts why there weren’t speaking Latin, as is traditionally thought ghosts do.

“I’ve read Shakespeare.  I know ghosts only speak Latin. They told me that 40 years ago ghosts got permission to speak in the vernacular.  They said it helped foster dialogue.”

Mr. Baker told the ghosts to leave.  But the next night they were back.

“They took away my fireplace grate.  They said it created a barrier between the peoples of God. Now the rug next to the fireplace is burned and sooty.”

One time Mr. Baker discovered the ghosts throwing opening his windows.

“I asked them why they were doing this.  They said they wanted to bring in fresh air and open up the place to the outside world.  I told them it’s 95 freaking degrees.  I don’t want to open my place up to the outside world, thank you.”

The final straw was when the ghosts invited Mr. Baker to roast marshmallows with them.

“I put the marshmallow on a stick and put it in the fireplace.  I was about to eat a little bit from the stick when they told me to put the marshmallow directly on my hand. They said it was in keeping with pastoral needs. Now my hand is burned.”

Mr. Baker ordered all the ghosts out of his house.

“I told them to get the hell out and never come back. They told me I was a slave to authority, preconciliar and not open to the spirit.  I hate reforming ghosts.”

Since the ghosts left Mr. Baker spends every night on the front porch with a shotgun  just in case they decide to come back.

“They haven’t returned.  I did have a decapitated ghost show up once.  I thought it might be the headless horseman.  Turns out it was Ted Williams.  I gave him directions to Boston.”

Twitter has a new fan.  Hugo Chavez, President of Venezuela has opened his own Twitter account to, in his own words, “further the progress of the socialist revolution.”

President Chavez’s first “tweet” was a message to his fellow citizens of Venezuela:

Your comandante speaks to you brothers! We will fight for the socialist revolution.  Do you smell sulfer?  The Devil George Bush is here!

From that first humble tweet Chavez has begun to regularly use his twitter account to broadcast messages, sometimes up to 25 or 30 times a day.  The following are just a few samples of his tweets.

Oliver Stone dropped by the Presidential Palace today to have lunch.  Nice guy though I’ve never seen one of his movies.  I asked him if I could get Leonardo DiCaprio’s autograph.

Rented the Twilight DVD.  Vampires rule!  Must remember to suppress dissent.

OMG!  OMG OMG OMG!  Angelina Jolie is here.  I’m so excited.  What a hottie!  I hope I can get to kiss her. Do you smell sulfur?  George Bush is the Devil!

I shut down an opposition TV station today that was saying bad things about me.  People suck!  Why doesn’t Angelina Jolie call?  I hope she didn’t notice my pimple.   I feel fat.

It’s Friday night.  Anyone want to get together?  I have beer at the mansion.  We can watch TV and play Twister.  George Bush is the Devil.

Spent all day in bed eating potato chips.  The other countries don’t like me.  They laugh at me and call me names.  No one understands me and sometimes I just feel like crying.  Mobilized army today.  Let’s see Columbia laugh at me now!

Big dance this Saturday night.  I want to ask Marisol to go with me but every time I pick up the phone I get nervous and hang up.  My skin is breaking out again.  Che was right. Factories are schools to educate a new socialist society!   Phone just started ringing.  I hope it’s Marisol.

The New York Times recently examined Chavez’s tweets and called it an exciting development for Democracy.

“It shows what a committed leader can do to stay in touch with his constituents.  Why doesn’t President Obama have a Twitter account? Do you smell sulfur?  I feel fat.“

Recently I had a chance to sit down with beloved commercial spokesperson Morris the Cat, who granted me an exclusive interview.

MI:  Morris I know you don’t often give interviews so I thank you for your time.  What is a typical day in the life of Morris the Cat?

Morris:  Well you know many people think I live a glamorous life but it’s actually pretty normal.  Up at Six.  Scratch the litter box for a couple minutes making sure it is arranged just the way I like it.  Then I pee on the couch.  And then my limo shows up and it’s off to work.

MI:  You’ve been the spokescat for 9Lives brand cat food for many years.  How did you get that job?

Morris:  My agent called me up one day and asked me if I would like to star with Gielgud in King Lear.  I said hell yeah but there were problems with Johnny’s Visa so I ended up taking the 9Lives job instead.  I had no idea it would last so long. 

MI:  Do you actually like 9Lives cat food?

Morris:  You’re trying to get me in trouble aren’t you?  The people at 9Lives have been very good to me so all I’m going to say is sometimes they put a little beer in the food dish too.  Makes it go down smooth.

MI:  I have to ask you this - you know - the rumor that you are bald.

Morris:  True.  I lost my  hair when I was young.  So the thick luxurious mane you see in the commercials is fake.  The prop department borrowed one of Shatner’s old T.J. Hooker wigs and died it orange.  Instant Hollywood magic.

MI:  You are a very private cat but let me ask you about McGruff the crime dog.

Morris:  I know what you’re getting at.  We’re just friends.  Sure occasionally I let him sniff my ass but that doesn’t mean I’m gay.  I happen to enjoy male companionship.

MI:  What does the future hold for Morris the Cat?

Morris:  There’s talk of a 9Lives movie trilogy starring me.  And I’ve just finished playing the villain in the new “24″ movie.

MI:  What was that like?

Morris:  Let’s just say Jack Bauer finds new ways of torturing me.

MI:  What’s your biggest fear?

Morris:  I’d have to say the vacuum cleaner.  No seriously.  That thing scares the crap out of me.

MI:  You mean this vacuum cleaner?

Morris:  What?  Where did you get that?  What are you doing?  C’mon man get that thing away from me.

MI:  You don’t mind if I turn it on?

Morris:  Come on dude.  You’re freaking me out.  Turn if off!  Get it away from me.  MEOW!!! MEOW!!! MEOW!!!!

It was at this point that Morris, possibly on drugs, became aggressive, scratched me, ended the interview and ran under the bed.

A newly released study on global warming has found that during Summer months temperatures experience an alarming increase.

“This is proof of anthropogenic global warming.”

The study recommends that during critical Summer months, “when man’s activities seriously threaten Sacred Mother Earth” a panel of experts, “perhaps under the guidance of the United Nations or Al Gore or other reputable Washington politicians” be convened to monitor the carbon footprint of all citizens of the United States.

Among the study’s other recommendations:

1. Summer, if possible should be banned.  If this is deemed inexpedient Summer will be renamed “Global Warming Proof Season”;
   
2. Since it has been proven that large people use more energy, all people over 6 feet tall will be banned;
3. Air conditioners will be banned except in Federal offices and the homes of Congressmen and Senators;
4. During peak temperatures, citizens will be advised not to evacuate their bowels but “hold it until October”;
5. The rock group U2 will be given a private jet to fly around the world so Bono can lecture citizens on the need to reduce their carbon footprint;
6. The Southern Hemisphere, which experiences Winter and cooler temperatures during July and August will be advised to “warm up and verify our findings or Bono will chastise you”;
7. During Summer, all citizens must spend an hour a day naked and face down on the ground to “symbolize humility and regret over the role humanity plays in climate change”;
8. It is theorized that the sunglasses David Caruso wears on CSI: Miami act as a convergence point for heat.  Hence, his glasses will be banned.  Also, he will have to shave his head since “red is a hot color”
9. All trees will be chopped down.  “C’mon.  Didn’t you see ‘The Happening’?  Trees are out to kill us:”;
10. Lutherans will be banned.  “We think there is a connection between global warming and Lutheran activity. We don’t know how it’s done scientifically, but our findings are never wrong.”

Upon being presented with the study’s findings, President Obama ordered a “1000 year moratorium” on offshore oil drilling.  He also banned car travel and announced that henceforth the only acceptable mode of transportation will be foot travel.  To demonstrate his sincerity he walked from the West Wing to the second floor of the White House to personally raise the thermostat to 65 degrees.

“We must work together to heal our planet.  We are the people we have been waiting for.  Now is the time the Earth heals and sea levels stop rising. Now is the time - oh crap it’s my wife.  If she asks no one’s seen me.”

President Obama then departed to a secret underground bunker.

“What are we at the park except to win?  I’d trip my  mother.  I’d help her up, brush her off, tell her I’m sorry.  But Mother, don’t make it to third” ~ Leo Durocher

Tonight I went to see the Yankee play the Los Angeles (but we play in Anaheim 30 miles away) Angels.

It was the battle of the Irish, as the Yankees started Phil “Joba Rules” Hughes  (11-3 3.99 ERA) while the Angels started Sean O’Sullivan who, of course, got his first win of the year.  The Yankees it seems, cannot beat pitchers whom they’ve never seen before.

Things started out well for the Yankees as in the bottom of the first Nick Swisher homered to right and Robinson Cano scored on a fielder’s choice.  2 - 0 Yankees after one.  And that was the last time they would have the lead.

Phil Hughes gave the Yankees reason to implement emergency Joba Rules (and we all know how well that worked for Joba) by giving up one run in the second, one run in the third, two runs in the fourth and two in the sixth before being mercifully relieved by recently called up Jonathan Abaladejo.

6 - 2 Angels after six.  Things can’t get worse can they?

Well in the seventh 2009 World Series MVP and now playing for Los Angeles, Hideki Matsui hit a two run home run.  8 - 2 after seven.  And thank you Chan Ho Park for giving up that home run on the first pitch you threw.  We appreciate it. Are you part of an exchange program?  If so, what did we give Taiwan?  O.J.?  Larry King?  Lindsay Lohan?  Irish soda bread?  (Irish soda bread - the hardest substance known to man.  Guaranteed to kill all intruders or your money back.)

Anyway, the scoring didn’t end there.  Final score:  Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim 10 - Yankees 2.

How can a team as good as the Yankees look so bad?  You know it’s bad when our DH Juan Miranda has less hits this year than Andy “My groin” Pettitte.

Which brings me to the subject of my post.  The mysteries of life.

The Yankees looking as bad as they did tonight falls under this category.  There are four unexplained mysteries of life:

1. The Yankees losing and losing badly.
2. The true nature of God
3. The mystery of Jack Lord’s hair.
4. Why is CSI: Miami a hit?

There are many who believe that the true nature of God and the mystery of Jack Lord’s hair are related, but that is beyond the scope of this post.  Perhaps later, upon prayer, reflection and guided by the spirit of James MacArther I can devote more time to this subject.

Notes on the game:

Tonight was Mexican Cartel Night at Yankee Stadium.   All kids 14 and under were given a bag of cocaine with a street value of $500.  “The Yankees value their relationship with the Mexican Cartel” said the P.A. announcer, who was tragically killed in crossfire.

Celebrity watch:  Steve Martin was in attendance.   No doubt looking for his cat toys.  Boy I hate it when they go under the couch!

Sitting behind me at the game was a 10-year old kid who kept kicking my seat.  I asked him a couple times to stop but he didn’t.  So I grabbed him by his ankles and threw him onto the field.  His father was upset but he calmed down after I bought him a beer.

Beer.  Has there ever been a greater invention?  It solves all of life’s problems.

Curtis Granderson is the spokesman for Michell Obama’s “Let’s Move to Solve Childhood Obesity” program.  Unfortunately there is no program called “Let’s Move to Find Out Why Curtis Granderson Sucks!”‘

Worst heckle ever:

Some Yankee fan in the sixth inning took it upon himself to start a chant of “Defense!  Defense!  Defense!”

What?  I’m sorry.  Was Los Angeles lining up for a field goal? Was it 3rd and long?

This is the first time in three games a Yankee starter did not leave with an injury.  Still during the fifth inning a raven did land on Phil Hughes shoulder.  Ravens traditionally are associated with death which would explain why Yankee third base coach Rob Thomson exploded.  All that was left was his helmet and a stirrup.

Reader mail:

D.B. of Philadelphia says “Lay off Chan Ho Park pal. He was great for us.”

Readers I apologize for D.B. He’s from Philly after all.

A.P. of Poughkeepsie, NY writes “I killed one of my customers today.  Should I feel guilty?”

Only if you killed him before he paid you.  He probably deserved it anyway.

So far this year my record stands at a respectable but still disturbing 7 -4.  My next game is Monday August 2nd against the Toronto Blue Jays.

Go Yankees!

The Greatest Story Ever Told, the 1965 blockbuster starring Max von Sydow as Jesus is going to be remade.

“It won’t be just any Jesus movie” said a Hollywood executive. “It’s going to be the edgiest, hippest, greenest Jesus movie ever.”

Among the differences between the original and the new version:  In this version Jesus will be a black transsexual lesbian.

“We tried finding a real black transsexual lesbian actress to play the role but they were all busy dating Bill Maher so we hired Sean Penn instead.  The man is so versatile!”

The rationale behind the change is a consensus that in the 1965 version there was a regrettable tendency to portray Jesus as a man.

“Definitely the original was male-centric. To make the movie more relevant to today’s audience this must change.”

The Sermon on the Mount will be renamed “The Sermon About Global Warming.”  During the sermon Jesus will talk about man-made environment change and the responsibility we all have to curb our carbon footprint.

“Blessed indeed are those who care for the environment” said the executive.  “We want people to leave the movie theater inspired to buy carbon credits.  And if I know my black transsexual lesbians, that is what Jesus would have wanted.”

The character of Pontius Pilate will be patterned after Sarah Palin.

“Pontius Pilate is a villainous character.  How can we make him more evil? We immediately thought of that woman from Alaska.  She’s one of the greatest villains in history.”

During the climatic trial and crucifixion scenes, Pontius Pilate will wash his oil-soaked hands, while shouting “Drill baby drill!”

The resurrection event will be portrayed as an environmental statement.

“I think I’m on safe theological grounds here when I say the entire purpose of the resurrection is to protect the environment.  Jesus is showing his compassion for Mother Earth by not leaving his body behind as waste.”

Acknowledging that the changes in the story of Jesus may prove controversial,  the executive is still confidant that the new-retelling of Jesus’ life will make him more relevant to the masses.

“Look, will traditionalists like it?  Probably not.  We may lose a few red state fundamentalists.  But we don’t want their business anyway.  And in the end our version of Jesus is more modern, more hip and certainly greener.”

The movie is due to be released in time for Christmas and will be called “The Greenest Story Ever Told.”

“The other sports are just sports.  Baseball is love” ~ Bryant Gumbel, 1981

Sunday found your humble blogger at Yankee Stadium as the Yankees took on the Tampa (Devil) Rays in the rubber game of a three game series.  The Yankees started Andy Pettitte  (11-2 2.70 ERA) and the (Devil) Rays started David Price (12-5 2.84 ERA).

As the game started the Yankees flashed a statistic on the scoreboard to the effect that Andy Pettitte is 900-0 in day games with a 0.00 ERA.  This can mean only one thing - he’ll be knocked out early.  And so it was. The Rays scored first as Andy gave up three runs in the first thanks to a B.J. Upton lead off double, Evan Longoria being hit by a pitch and Carlos Pena hitting a home run.  The Yankees got 2 back in the bottom of the first after a Nick Swisher double, a Mark Teixeira walk and a Robinson Cano bases clearing triple.  3 -2 Rays after one.

Andy Pettitte left the game in the top of the third with tightness in his left groin.  But at least he got to talk to respected Yankee beat reporter Kim Jones after the game about it.  Hey, I’ve been trying to talk to her for years about my groin. What makes Andy so special?

Andy did mention a “burning sensation” in his groin.  Careful Andy.  Could be syphilis.

The Yankees tied the score in the bottom of the third when Teixeira singled in Derek Jeter.  Yankees 3 - Tampa Bay 3 after three.

The Yankees broke it open with 4 runs in the bottom of the fifth as Jeter singled in Brett Gardner, AROD singled in Derek Jeter and Posada doubled in AROD and Cano.  7 -3 Yankees after five.

The Yankees scored again in the bottom of the sixth when Nick Swisher singled in Curtis Granderson.  8 - 3 Yankees after six.

Tampa Bay got a run back when Gabe Kapler homered to deep left in the top of the seventh.  The Yankees countered with AROD’s 598th career home run to the Rays bullpen in the bottom of the inning.  9 - 4 Yankees after seven.

Tampa scored their final run in the top of the ninth.  Final score:  Yankees 9 Tampa Bay  5.

Notes on the game:

It was an oppressively hot and humid day in New York.  Those of us in the bleachers were in the sun the entire time, baking and perspiring and turning a nice lobster red. At one point the woman sitting next to me burst into flames.  Her last words were “Oh my God I’m on fire!  I regret nothing.  Nick Swisher I love you!”

In honor of George Steinbrenner, all those sitting in the bleachers were optioned off to Triple A Scranton Wilkes-Barre before the game.

This past week the Yankees lost Steinbrenner and long time P.A. announcer Bob Sheppard.  Since everything comes in threes people were naturally wondering who would be the next Yankee to die. Well, always eager for publicity, Reggie Jackson graciously agreed to be killed in a tragic accident involving a basset hound and a tube of K-Y Jelly.

The Mets proudly play “Sweet Caroline” to pump up their crowds and love to ask Yankee fans why we don’t have a song.  Well, I’d like to suggest “Hurt” by Nine Inch Nails as our song.  And, with a few alterations in the lyrics it could be an very appropriate commentary on our oft-injured DH Nick Johnson.

I hurt myself today

Which is why I haven’t been in the lineup since May

Speaking of which I now present the updated Nick Johnson injury watch:

While rehabbing Johnson was arrested for loitering and sentenced to hard labor on a chain gang.  Well, his big mouth and attitude did not sit well with the head of the labor camp who said that he and Nick had a “failure to communicate.”   Nick got sick after swallowing 50 eggs.  Then was shot to death when cornered in a barn.  Yankeee officials are confident that this will not delay his eventual return to the team.

Best heckle of the game:

As you know, Joba Chamberlain has had his struggles this year.  Seeing as he is part American Indian (I refuse to use the term native American) as Joba was warming up in the bullpen I shouted to him, “Hey, Joba, remember the Trail of Tears?  We did it before we can do it again to your people so pitch well!”  Joba must have heard me because he pitched well, striking out three and giving up only one run.  So Joba’s people, for now, get to stay on their reservation, er, I mean their ancestral homeland they’ve lived on since the Pre Columbian era.

Reader mail:

M.B. of Brooklyn writes, “Hello from St. Lucia.  I got married!”

You got married?  During the baseball season?  During the Yankees season?  What are your priorities?  True love or the Yankees? This kind of irresponsible and feckless behavior can only result in a brilliant and successful career in publishing.

Venerable Bede writes “Prayers are hindered by conjugal duty.”  

So……I’m guessing you got rid of the wife so you can watch the Yankees?  Smart man.

W.J.J.B. of Florida writes, “We sat and talked of revolution.  Just like two liberals in the sun.”

Hippie!

John Paul II writes, “It is possible that the evil done as the result of invincible ignorance….may not be imputable to the agent.  But even in this case it does not cease to be an evil.”

Obviously John Paul II is writing about those who insist on rooting for the Red Sox.  And what does  Boston do? That’s right.  Bahstahn sawks cack!

What’s ahead for the second half?  Despite having the best record in baseball we are vulnerable.  Age is a factor.  Jeter, Posada, AROD and Pettitte are so old they need walkers to field their positions.  Phil Hughes is reaching Joba Rules territory and soon will be shut down, skipped starts or placed in the bullpen.  If you google “Epic Fail” you will come up with Curtis Granderson.  Yeah, that Curtis Granderson for Austin Jackson trade is looking great isn’t it?

And now onto Steinbrenner.

Look he did one good thing as an owner:  He wanted to win and he took his profits and plowed them back into the team which is a lot more than  most owners do with their profit.  But the hagiography of St. George this past week was in my opinion annoying.

Yes, he gave lots of money to charity.  Yes, he was very generous to ex players.  But he was also a bully and a prick.  Just ask Jim Beattie.  Just ask Yogi Berra, fired 16 games into the 1985 season.  Just ask Dave Winfield.

If you look at the Yankees times of success, they all happened after a Steinbrenner suspension where he was not in day-to-day control of the team.  His first suspension in 1974-75 allowed GM Gabe Paul to put together the great late ’70s teams.  But then George asserted control and hence began the long night of the 1980s-early ’90s.  The Bucky Dent/Stump Merrill era where the Yankees were the laughing stock of baseball.

Then Steinbrenner got suspended a second time after hiring gambler Howie Spira to dig up dirt on Dave Winfield.  With Steinbrenner out of the picture GM Gene Michael was able to put together the core of the great teams of the late 90s, including perhaps the best trade ever - Roberto Kelly for Paul O’Neil.  Then Steinbrenner regained control  and another dark night of the 2000s came upon us where George and his “baseball people” in Tampa had no plan except panic every offseason and buy the most expensive, elderly and useless free agents.

Then Steinbrenner started his decline.  Brian Cashman was able to gain control of baseball operations, rebuild the farm system  and put together the team that won the championship last year.

All in all, George had his merits. He wanted to win and put his money where his mouth was.  But he had his faults too.  But he’s dead now, God rest in peace.

So this year my record stands at 7 -3.   My next game is Tuesday July 20th against the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim.  Go Yankees!

****Update****

Andy Pettitte and his burning, syphilis ravaged groin will be out for five weeks.   Bad news for the Yanks.

****Update****