Manhattan Infidel

“Poets are like baseball pitchers.  Both have their moments  The intervals are the tough things.” ~ Robert Frost

Today your correspondent found himself ensconced in the 4th to the last row of the upper deck at Yankee Stadium to see a rematch of last year’s World Series - Yankees and Phillies.  I don’t want to say that my seat was bad but during the game Bob Uecker texted me:  “Dude, your seat sucks.” 

The Yankees started CC Sabathia (7-3 4.00 ERA) while the Phillies started Roy “Perfect Game” Halladay (8-5 2.36 ERA). Sabathia’s stats are misleading as four of those victories came against the Orioles (well, who can’t beat the Orioles.)  It was not a pitcher’s duel.

The Yankees scored first in the bottom of the second.  A single to Nick Swisher and a walk to Jorge Posada lead to a Brett “My hairline is NOT receding” Gardner triple.  2-0 Yankees after two.

Curtis Granderson led off the bottom of the third with a solo home run to deep right.  After a Robinson Cano double Nick Swisher hit a two run shot.   5-0 Yankees after three.

The Phillies made it briefly interesting scoring three runs in the top of the fourth.  How did they score these runs?  Who cares it’s the Phillies and we all know what the outcome was going to be anyway. But  like I said, it was briefly an interesting game.  Because that’s what we Noo Yawkers like to do.  Tease our opponents before we crush them.  (Well, except for basketball. The less said about the Knicks the better. If any of my readers would like to buy the Knicks and take them off our hands, I’m sure they can be bought for maybe a couple thousand.)  5-3 Yankees after four.

In the bottom of the fifth Mark “I may be batting .229 but I’m having a really bad year to make up for it” Teixeira hit a solo home run.  6-3 Yankees after five.

In the bottom of the seventh, after walks to Teixeira, Jorge Posada and Brett “Stop looking at my hair” Gardner, Francisco Cervelli singled in Teixeira and Posada.   8-3 Yankees after seven.  And that was the final score.  Yankees defeat Philadelphia.  Semi-order is restored to America.  Complete order will not be restored until the damn World Cup is over.

Notes on the game:

There were lots of Philadelphia fans in attendance.  I’d say about 35% of the fans were wearing Philly red.  One fan behind me in Philly red decided it would be good to trash talk the entire game, even at one point starting a “Jeter sucks Peter” heckle. He got quieter as the game went on and the Yankees pulled away.  Then he left early.  Dude, if you’re going to trash talk at least be man enough to stick around for the whole game.  I shot him in the back as he was leaving.

This was day five of the Great 2010 AROD Groin Crisis.  AROD did not play.  His groin did play however.  Kate  Hudson be damned!!

Nick Johnson injury watch:

Our DH Nick Johnson was - oh forget it.  If a malaria-ridden mosquito bit Nick Johnson the mosquito would die. I’m convinced Samuel L. Jackson’s character in “Unbreakable” is based on the oft-injured Johnson.

Best heckle of the game:

I tried but my heckle of “I said your friend died squealing like a stuck Irish pig.  Now you think about that when I beat the rap”  drew puzzle stares.  And here I thought everyone could quote The Untouchables from memory.  My mistake.

Recommended reading material:

What Happened at Vatican II by John W. O’Malley.

Reader mail:

D.B. of Philadelphia writes, “Hey, Philadelphia is a great town.  Just remember buddy, I work for PriceWaterhouse Coopers.  One day you’ll have to be audited and when that happens, I’ll be there to get my revenge.”

I’ve already moved all my assets offshore sir.

T.S. of Astoria Queens but formerly of Philadelphia writes “The Phillies are breaking my heart.  Just like the interns.”

Just make sure they are legal.

Ezra Pound, also of Philadelphia writes, “Yet say this to the Possum:  A bang not a whimper, with a bang not a whimper.”

Obviously Pound is referring to the AROD’s groin problems.

And so after eight games my record stands at 6-2.  My next game is Tuesday June 29th against the Seattle Pilots, er, Mariners.

Go Yankees!

Speaking today at length about the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico, President Obama compared it to 9/11 and said that “it will shape how we think for years.”

“This oil spill, the fault of the previous administration’s environmental policies, will sear the American consciousness.  It will effect how we think about oil, it will effect how we think about the car we drive and how high our home thermostats are” said the President before joining Paul McCartney in a rousing rendition of Hey Jude.

From Hell, where his is spending Eternity, “It’s a lot like Saudi Arabia but without the oil” Mohammad Atta disagreed with President Obama’s assessment.

Look, 9/11 was a coordinated attack on the heart of America’s financial system.  It took years of planning and was very hard to pull off - like the toupee Bill Shatner wore on T.J. Hooker.  The spill in the Gulf was an accident.  Only 11 died.  How many did we kill?  Thousands.  Don’t get me wrong.  I still support President Obama.  I voted for him myself. (I am still technically a resident of Chicago.) But in this case he’s wrong.

As Atta stared wistfully at his “Change We Can Believe In” poster of then-candidate Obama, he talked about his life in Hell.

If this is Paradise I’ve been misinformed.  This place is dark and I don’t even have my own room.  I have to share it with Judas and some guy who calls himself “The Great Satan.”  He doesn’t even  look like George Bush.  Where are my 72 virgins?  I asked one of the bellhops - you know that thing that keeps flying over me.  Do you know what he said?  He said, “The only virgin here is your ass.”  Then he did shameful things to me.  Things that should only be done to the 13 year old boys I used to have.  I mean, c’mon.  I’ve have more fun in Qatar drinking in bars with executives from PriceWaterhouse Coopers.

He then gave details on a typical day for him.

I’m up at 6 AM.  Then I spend the morning in boiling tar.  Then at Noon they take me out and do shameful things to me for a couple hours.  At 3 we have a 15-minute tea break and then it’s back in the boiling tar.  This is not what I signed up for.  When I agreed to kill the crusaders I was promised Earthly Paradise and virgins.  If I ever see Allah I’m going to discuss this with him. This was not in the brochure!

Atta was asked if there was ever a break in his routine.

Occasionally we get Hollywood stars down here.  Sean Penn dropped by once.  He was raising money for Hurricane Katrina relief. We talked about soccer and our mutual hatred of reporters. He wished me well and actually gave me his autograph.  Nice fella.  Hey, it’s almost time for me to back to the boiling tar but how is Egypt doing in the World Cup?  What?  What do you mean they didn’t make the Cup?  That makes me angry enough to fly a plane into a building!

From the White House President Obama apologized for Egypt not making the World Cup.

“I don’t want to play golf.  When I hit a ball I want someone else to go chase it” ~ Rogers Hornsby

Saturday found your humble blogger at Yankee Stadium as the Yankees played game two of a three game series against the Houston (pronounced “How-ston” in New York) Astros.

A heavy air hung over the stadium.  I think it was the spectacle of the so-called World Cup.  And so began that curious phenomenon that happens every four years where we are berated by elites as “stoooooopid” for not liking soccer.

“The French are laughing at us!” they say.   “All progressive civilized nations love soccer.  Only backward America hates it.” 

But we few, we brave, we happy band of baseball fans ignored the threats and admonitions of our elite sportswriters, giving them the collective finger and saying “Soccer?  Please.  Baseball is our sport.”

Let me state this as clearly as I can:  Soccer, like fascism and Wham!, is a European abomination.   Wake me up before you go-go because I feel like invading Poland………

And that concludes my soccer rant.  Onto the game.  The Yankees started Javier Vazquez (6-5) while the Howston Astros started Wandy (Wandy?  Is he a pixie?) Rodriguez (3-9).  Before the game the U.S. Army Parachute Team, the Golden Knights, parachuted into the stadium.  This was part of Military Appreciation Day sponsored by the Special Ops Warrior Foundation, which provides college scholarships to children of soldiers who have died. This is their web site:

Special Ops Warrior Foundation

Derek Jeter led off the bottom of the first by hitting a home run.  1-0 Yankees after one.  Howston’s Third baseman Geoff Blum countered with a home run in the second.  1-1 after two innings. In the top of the third Jeff Keppinger doubled in Tommy Manzella, giving Howston a brief 2-1 lead.  At this point I became nervous.  Vazquez was pitching after all and all Yankee fans still remember his giving up a grand slam to Johnny Damon in game seven of the 2004 LCS.

The Yankees broke through in the bottom of the third.  After a walk to Jeter (who then stole second and went to third on the catcher’s error) Swisher singled him in.  Another walk to Teixeira and a single by Cano left the bases loaded.  DH Jorge “I’m an angry Spanish man and I want to catch” Posada hit a grand slam into the right field seats in front of the bleachers where I was sitting. 6-2 Yankees after three.

Howston got a run back in the sixth from a solo home run from Carlos Lee. But the Yankees came back in the bottom of the inning.  Cervelli and Granderson walked and after Kevin Russo flied out Jeter hit his second home run of the game.  9-3 Yankees after 6.  And that was the final score.

Notes on the game:

As I mentioned earlier, Javier Vazquez pitched for the Yankees, which is always a cause for concern.  He pitched seven innings, giving up six hits while also striking out six.  I guess I have to take back all the bad things I said about him earlier in the season.  After a horrendous start he is slowly gaining respectability, much like me with the bartenders at Fitzgerald’s Pub.

Saturday was Day Two of the Great 2010 AROD Groin Crisis.  For those who don’t know AROD missed his second game in a row with a “twinge” in his groin.  My theory?  His groin misses Kate Hudson.  I’m just saying, you know.  So Kate, if you happen to read this blog, give AROD a call.  Wait, what am I saying?  Kate, if you are reading this blog, give me a call.  Please. C’mon don’t be that way baby.  You know I love you.

Nick Johnson Injury Watch:

As everyone knows our DH Nick Johnson is on the DL.  While rehabbing today he was tragically killed in an accident involving a wood chipper, a penis pump and Lady Gaga.  Yankee officials are confident that this will not set back his recovery by any appreciable length of time.

Best heckle of the game:

Some idiot showed up wearing an “England” soccer jersey.  He was greeted with “Go back to your Islamicist-dominated pathetic little island, Limey.”  Then we started a soccer riot to make him feel at home. I think it worked.  He had a tear in his eye.  Of course that might have been due to the fact that we took turns urinating on him.

Recommended reading material:

Red Harvest by Dashiell Hammett.

Reader mail:

Kate Hudson writes, “I know AROD’s groin feels bad.  That was my job.  I was a plant by the Red Sox.”

Wow.  Kate. Kate.  Kate.  Say it ain’t so.  You’re breaking my heart.

The Gulf of Mexico oil spill says, “Hi, I’m the Gulf of Mexico oil spill.  I just want to introduce myself.  I’m new in the neighborhood and you’ll be seeing a lot more of me.”

I don’t know why everyone hates him.  He seems pretty friendly to me.

W.J.J.B. of Florida writes, “Space is what I need, it’s what I feed on…..out in the open.”

It’s good to see they are finally allowing you internet access in the “hospital” sir.

God writes, “When the man loses the hair of his head he is not unclean merely because of his bald crown.” - Leviticus 13:40

It’s nice to know I’m not ritually unclean.  Especially considering all the porn I have on my computer.

After seven games my record stands at 5-2.  My next game is Tuesday June 15th against the defending National League champion Philadelphia Phillies.

Go Yankees!

In part three of my continuing series that I have dedicated to my readers on how to improve their lives, I move onto the subject of responsible parenthood.

As many parents know, at some point your child will ask to play catch with you.  Do not immediately grab your glove.  This may be a trap.  Your child may be probing you for weaknesses.  And once he finds it he will use it to get money from you for ice cream or movies.

Instead I recommend looking your son in the eye and, very earnestly, saying something along the lines of:

You want to have a game of catch?  Why?  You suck son.  And no amount of practice will make you better.  I was looking forward in my retirement years to living off the income you’d make as a professional athlete.  But instead I’ll be eating dog food.  You’ve failed me son.

Now keep in mind that your child may begin crying.  Do not feel bad.  Remember it’s not your fault.  It’s just a ruthless tactic kids use to get money for ice cream or movies.  When your son finishes crying take him to a tattoo parlor and have “Failure” written on his shoulder.  Think of it as a father/son bonding session.

Sooner or later your child will ask you about the opposite sex.  There is only one proper response:

Son, God created women because wars, pestilence and famine weren’t making men miserable enough.  Now here’s a couple hundred dollars.  Go find yourself a hooker.  And son, always wear a condom because frankly I don’t know where you’ve been.

He may counter with “But I think I love this girl Dad.”   You have only one option at this point.  Grab a dictionary and ask your son to look up the word “alimony.”  Have him read the meaning out loud.  When he is finished say “That’s right son.  It’s not all shits, giggles and pixie farts.”

As your child gets older he may have questions about the universe, the meaning of life and the existence of a divine being.  If you are asked this, have your son open the refrigerator and ask him what’s inside.  He will probably respond with “There’s nothing in here but beer.”

This is what’s called a “teachable moment.”  You are to say, “That’s right son.  Beer is my God.  Now grab a few and help me worship.”

And there you have it.  My guide to responsible parenthood.  Remember, the character of future generations rests in your hands, dear reader.

Note:  I am legally obligated to say that my advice may be illegal in a few localities.

Speaking to reporters today, the Creature from the Black Lagoon confirmed rumors that he has been contacted by BP in its continuing efforts to plug the oil leak in the Gulf of Mexico.

“Yeah, they contacted me.  I’m glad to help.  I live on this planet too” the Creature said.  “I have experience in deep water that could come in very handy.”

When asked if he was worried about being injured he responded, “I swim in my own feces.  Do you think I’m worried about a little oil?”

Working closely with BP engineers, the Creature will swim down to the source of the leak and in a procedure known as “Operation kill two birds with one stone”, plug the hole with all known prints of the Sex and the City II movie.

Said a BP engineer, “We could not helplessly stand by anymore and watch the damage it is causing.  What?  Oh, yeah, and the oil leak is pretty bad too.”

In the course of the wide-ranging interview with reporters, the Creature from the Black Lagoon, “Hello, that’s Lagoon of Color” said an indignant Creature, talked about his old days in Hollywood, “Clint Eastwood was a prissy bitch” to his life after his movie career ended.

I was thrilled that Hollywood wanted to do a movie on my life and that I would get a chance to play myself.  Those were heady times. I was riding high….money to burn….appearances on the Ed Sullivan Show…..dates with Natalie Wood……my own private jet.   You could say I got a little carried away.  Then after two sequels my contract was not renewed.  I was devastated.  My so-called friends in Hollywood stopped taking my calls.  Natalie Wood left me.  Broke my heart really.

After his Hollywood days the Creature was reduced to opening for Jerry Lee Lewis and cut a few country songs, most notably “You’re a Little Bit Country and I’m a Genetic Freak” which was a minor hit.  But still Hollywood success alluded him.

“My last acting gig was on the History Channel playing a Neanderthal.  I was a bit insulted since I am part Cro-magnon but a paycheck is a paycheck.”

The Creature is hoping that the publicity he will receive from plugging the oil spill will revive his career.

I’m hoping for a movie deal.  Hey if Vin Diesel can become an action hero why can’t I? I’m better looking than he is.  And I’d like to get married. My love life has been in a rut lately.  Any reporters from Fox here?  Can you get me Megyn Kelly’s phone number?  Come on man, help a Creature out will you?

BP executives have not disclosed how much money they are paying the Creature to plug the leak.

Hello to citizens of the United States of America!  Much fun awaits you in the wonderful tropical paradise of Somalia.  Why waste your money going to Europe?  Somalia is cheap for the Americans.  And prices will not cost you arm and leg.  Maybe head.  But we joke with the Americans.   Fly to Somalia cheap.  We don’t have airline but we hijack one for you.  So come to our beautiful country now.  See what activities await for you:

Water Sports!

We have boats!  We put you on boat on sea.  Enjoy the open water as we chase down bigger boat on sea.  But please Americans, keep your head down!  Bigger boat sometime shoot at us.  Bigger boat sometimes take Somali prisoner.

High Fashion!

American come to Somali fashion show!  No skinny European models at our shows.  We are on the cutting edge of fashion. See one of Somalia’s favorite sons parade on catwalk with plastic explosives in underwear.  Bring home to America bomb-filled underwear.  A Somali tradition!

Military Discipline!

You Americans of course know of the French Foreign Legion.  We in Somalia have our own foreign legion.  Come join Al Qaeda in Somalia!  We give you gun.  You kill enemy of great Prophet.  Can you do that in your Las Vegas?  Can you do that in your Atlantic City?  Come to Somalia.  Gun training comes with food rations for those who swear allegiance to War Lord.  Al Qaeda in Somalia is equal opportunity employer.  We even welcome Hispanics.  From New Jersey no less!

All this and more awaits for you in Somalia.  We have plenty of beaches without oil spills.   See the hot women on the beach!  Whoooo……sexy burqa lady!

Note:  Al Qaeda in Somalia is not affiliated with Burlington Coat Factory.

Recently I was privileged to sit down and have an exclusive chat with legendary White House reporter Helen Thomas.  Ms. Thomas was gracious enough to  answer all my questions and I thank her for taking time out from her busy schedule.

MI:  Thank you Ms. Thomas for agreeing to this interview.  How did you get your start in journalism?

Helen Thomas:  I began as a copygirl for the Washington Daily News which as you know was a Jew-owned newspaper.

MI:  Um, okay.

Helen Thomas:  The Jews should get the hell out of Palestine.  Are you a Jew?

MI:  No, I’m Irish Catholic.

Helen Thomas:  The Irish should get the hell out of England.

MI:  Okay, back to the interview.  When did you first start covering the White House?

Helen Thomas:  It was during the Eisenhower administration.  Eisen-hower.  Eisen.  He was a Jew you know.  That’s why he dropped those nuclear bombs on Egypt.

MI: I,  I don’t remember that happening.

Helen Thomas:  Are you saying I’m lying?  I’m a respected member of the mainstream media!

MI:  Let’s just move along then.   You’ve been quite critical of the war in Iraq -

Helen Thomas:  Are you a Jew?

MI:  We, we’ve already covered that.  Now about the war in Iraq -

Helen Thomas:  The Cardassians should get out of Bajor.  They have no right to be on the Bajoran home world. The Cardassian oppressors are forcing the Bajorans to live in refugee camps.  End the Cardassian occupation now!

MI:  Okay those aren’t even real people.  That’s from Star Trek Deep Space Nine.

Helen Thomas:  I watched a snail crawl along the edge of a straight razor. That’s my dream.  That’s my nightmare. Crawling, slithering along the edge of a straight razor…..and surviving.

MI:  Um, maybe we should continue this interview at a later time?

Helen Thomas:  First thing - on with the TV.  Next - nothing.  Just sitting there on the bed watching porn. Finally the big moment, he doesn’t even take off his pants. And all the time he’s doing it to me he’s watching them do it on TV.

MI:  What the….what are talking about? Where did that come from?  I didn’t even ask a question.

Helen Thomas:  Do you want to have some fun with me?  I may be 89 but beneath my clothes I have the body of a 79 year old.

MI:  Why….what the…..why are the doors locked?  I have to get out of here.

Helen Thomas:  What’s your problem you whore! You want money? Here’s 20 bucks.  Take it.  Take it all!  Whore!

MI:  I’m outta here.

Note:  At this point my notes show that I gnawed my arm off and used it to smash open a window.  I then jumped from the second floor to safety, breaking both of my legs.

Ms. Thomas has blamed Jew conspirators for my injuries.

Stung by criticism that it is out of date and fast becoming irrelevant to young Muslims, Al Qaeda has announced a major restructuring.

“It’s time we modernized” said Al Qaeda second in command, Ayman Al-Zawahari.  “Accordingly, all fighters for Allah will be issued two camels, two young boys and two turbans.”

Also, in accordance with their new motto of “Modernize to bring back the 9th Century”, Al Qaeda will be offering online certifications in the following subjects:

• How to kill the infidel.
• How to kill the infidel while on a budget.
• How to kill the infidel before being blown up by a CIA predator drone.
• How to kill the infidel in a way that is green and won’t damage the environment
• Screenwriting 101.

After the failed Times Square bombing Al Qaeda will be sending all their bomb makers to school for special bomb-making certifications.

“Faisal Shahzad did indeed receive instructions from us in Pakistan on how to make a bomb.  But obviously his instructor was faulty.  We wish to end the scandal of bomb making instructors who do not know how to make bombs.”

All Al Qaeda bomb manufacturers will be sent to learn their craft from the masters of bomb making:  Hollywood California.

“Hollywood really knows how to make a bomb.  We respect that and can learn from them.  I mean, c’mon.  Gary Unmarried?  Any remake Tim Burton makes of a classic movie?  Clearly if you want to know how to make bombs you have to go to Southern California.”

Al Zawahiri admits that this is a short-term strategy however and will seek to  phase out bombs from their arsenal.

“We live on this planet too.  Sure we want to kill all infidels but we don’t want to damage mother Earth.  I want Al Qaeda to be known as the environmental Islamofascists”

Al Qaeda will also enter the mail-order business as a way to increase membership.  Packages will be mailed out containing a booklet  entitled “So You Want to Kill the Infidel.  Is an Islamofascist Vocation for You?” as well as a cookbook, “Favorite Vegetarian Recipes of Al Qaeda.”

Al Zawahiri will be touring America to explain his organization’s new business model.  First stop:  Live with Regis and Kelly.

Often I get asked by my many fans, “Manhattan Infidel, what is a typical day like for you?”  Okay, so technically it’s not my fans who are asking me this.

It is the police.

But in the spirit of openness I would like to share with my readers what a typical day is like for me.  Hopefully someone reading my blog will be inspired by my example.  Or become permanently damaged by what they have read.

My day starts out as I’m sure many a person’s day starts out:  I wake up at 6 AM in a cold sweat screaming “Get your stinking paws off me you damn dirty ape.” After a quick check to ascertain that I am not in fact going to be used by Dr. Cornelius for experimental surgery I make myself breakfast.

After a refreshing breakfast of cold pizza and Miller Genuine Draft it is down to business. I begin by reciting this little prayer which I find helps keep me focused:

Lord give me the strength to change what I can, the strength to resist what I cannot change and the wisdom to figure out what to do with the skulls in my refrigerator.

At precisely 7:00 AM I go to my computer and check the latest news, jotting down notes on anything that catches my interest.   After a half hour of reading the latest headlines I divide my  notes into three categories:

1. Definite blog topic
2. Possible blog topic
3. Where the hell is my concubine?

From 7:30 to 9 AM I curl into a fetal position and weep uncontrollably.  Occasionally I’ll shout “Treat Williams you bastard!”

At 9 I put on clothes (preferably male)  and leave my apartment.  I walk to the corner deli and buy cigarettes, condoms and soap.  Then I tell the woman behind the counter that “she’d make a good concubine.”

Back at my place I call the New York Post and ask to speak to their entertainment reporter.  I tell him that “Treat Williams has given me gonorrhea.  Again.”  I then hang up (let them worry about it.)

From 9:30 to 12:00 I work on my blog.  I stop writing when the Demerol wears off.

At 12 I head to Fitzgerald’s Pub for a nutritious lunch of chicken tenders and beer.  After my eighth pint I grab the bartender by the collar and say “You know where my concubine is don’t you?  She’s with Treat Williams isn’t she?” Having not received a satisfactory answer I curl into a fetal position and weep.  Occasionally I’ll shout “Treat Williams you bastard!”

Back at my place once again I work on my blog from 3 to 7 PM.  I stop writing when the Demerol wears off.

From 7 to 11 PM I watch television next to the roaring fireplace, which in itself is kind of odd since I don’t own a television nor have a fireplace.

At 11 PM I prepare myself for bed by reciting this prayer:

Lord give me the strength to change what I can, the strength to resist what I cannot change and the wisdom to hunt down Treat Williams and punish him for taking my concubine.

And there you have it readers.  A typical day in the life of the Manhattan Infidel.  May my example help you.

Al and Tipper Gore have announced that their 40-year marriage will be ending. “After a great deal of thought and discussion, we have decided to separate” they wrote in a statement released to the press.

Friends and relatives were shocked by the announcement as they saw no trouble in the relationship. However, Mr. Gore has reportedly told political allies that he had to leave his wife to “save the planet.”

“The heat generated from our super sexually charged relationship was causing climate change.  Sea levels were rising.  Ice caps were melting.  Polar bears were drowning.  I have dedicated my life to fighting climate change. I could not stand by and let another polar bear drown just so I could see Tipper in her french maid outfit one more time” said Mr. Gore.

Gore’s explanation for his separation from his wife brings to mind the famous “kiss” from the 2000 Democratic Convention.

“During that kiss I witnessed an untamed sexual passion that I haven’t seen since that video Mick Jagger and David Bowie did together for Dancing in the Street” said a Democratic Party representative who was present at the convention.

In a follow up statement Mr. Gore said “There were only two things I could do to save the planet.  Leave my wife or reduce energy consumption at my Tennessee estate.  What would you do?”

Throughout the United States men contemplating leaving their wives have been given hope by Gore’s announcement.  Divorce lawyers are reporting that “a desire to stop climate change and to save the planet” has replaced “a desire to shack up with my 25-year old secretary” as the number one reason men are now leaving their wives.

Following in Gore’s wake, several states have introduced bills in their legislatures adding “climate change” to their lists of valid reasons for a divorce.

Former President Bill Clinton when asked about the breakup said, “This is a man who is leaving his wife.  I love this man.”

From his home in North Carolina, disgraced former Presidential candidate John Edwards told reporters, “Damn, Gore’s good.  I wish I had thought of that.”

Polar bears could not be reached for comment though it is expected they will support Mr. Gore’s decision.