Manhattan Infidel

In part three of my continuing series that I have dedicated to my readers on how to improve their lives, I move onto the subject of responsible parenthood.

As many parents know, at some point your child will ask to play catch with you.  Do not immediately grab your glove.  This may be a trap.  Your child may be probing you for weaknesses.  And once he finds it he will use it to get money from you for ice cream or movies.

Instead I recommend looking your son in the eye and, very earnestly, saying something along the lines of:

You want to have a game of catch?  Why?  You suck son.  And no amount of practice will make you better.  I was looking forward in my retirement years to living off the income you’d make as a professional athlete.  But instead I’ll be eating dog food.  You’ve failed me son.

Now keep in mind that your child may begin crying.  Do not feel bad.  Remember it’s not your fault.  It’s just a ruthless tactic kids use to get money for ice cream or movies.  When your son finishes crying take him to a tattoo parlor and have “Failure” written on his shoulder.  Think of it as a father/son bonding session.

Sooner or later your child will ask you about the opposite sex.  There is only one proper response:

Son, God created women because wars, pestilence and famine weren’t making men miserable enough.  Now here’s a couple hundred dollars.  Go find yourself a hooker.  And son, always wear a condom because frankly I don’t know where you’ve been.

He may counter with “But I think I love this girl Dad.”   You have only one option at this point.  Grab a dictionary and ask your son to look up the word “alimony.”  Have him read the meaning out loud.  When he is finished say “That’s right son.  It’s not all shits, giggles and pixie farts.”

As your child gets older he may have questions about the universe, the meaning of life and the existence of a divine being.  If you are asked this, have your son open the refrigerator and ask him what’s inside.  He will probably respond with “There’s nothing in here but beer.”

This is what’s called a “teachable moment.”  You are to say, “That’s right son.  Beer is my God.  Now grab a few and help me worship.”

And there you have it.  My guide to responsible parenthood.  Remember, the character of future generations rests in your hands, dear reader.

Note:  I am legally obligated to say that my advice may be illegal in a few localities.