Manhattan Infidel

As part of my ongoing series designed to impart valuable information to my readers I now present my guide to success with the ladies.  I personally vouch that all the of the following will help you increase satisfaction in your personal life.

The first step to success with the ladies is of course to actually meet them.   Here are some good places to meet up with single women:

1. High Schools.  One of my favorite hobbies is to hang around the local high school in my trench coat (in case it rains of course.) As school lets out casually start asking the girls, “Are you legal?” By doing this they will know that you respect the law and have learned from your painful experience on To Catch a Predator.
2. Bars.  Bars are always a good place to meet women.  I’ve found women respond very positively when I approach them and say, “I’m not wearing underwear.” This shows women that you have an edge and are fun.  One possible variation on this is to say “I’m not wearing men’s underwear.” The purpose of this is to show them that in today’s economic climate you can share undergarments, thereby cutting expenses.
3. Home.  You don’t even have to leave your home sometimes.  Many police departments now have attractive female officers.  A favorite trick of mine is to call the police and report a burglary in progress at my address.  Then put on a ski mask and wait for the lovely ladies with the handcuffs to arrive. Note: You do run the risk of being tasered or shot but it’s all for the cause.

The next step is a date.  Here are a few of my tips to ensure a successful experience.

1. It is important to put a woman at ease.  I usually say something like “I sense a real connection between us so I probably won’t chop you up” when I meet them.
2. Skip the fancy restaurant.  If you want to make an impression hand them a frozen steak and say “Well, what the Hell are you looking at?  Cook it!” By doing this you show your date that you respect them and you appreciate the contributions they can make to the relationship.
3. During the date talk about your mother.  A lot.  If your date tries to steer the conversation to another topic call your mother and say “You were right about girls Mom. Don’t worry. No one can possibly replace you.” This will show woman that you have a soft, sensitive side.  Women like this.

And of course the ultimate goal is a relationship.  One way to ensure this is a steady stream of compliments.  Woman love compliments.  A few of the ones I’ve found work the best are:

1. “What is the age difference between you and your sister?  She’s so young and you’re not.”  Women genuinely enjoy it when you point out their maturity.
2. “You are the only woman I have ever met that I’d let shave my back hair.” It’s all about building trust.
3. “You look beautiful.  Almost as beautiful as Charlton Heston.”  What?  You can pry Charlton Heston from my cold dead hands!

And there you have it.  Just follow my advice and you’ll be guaranteed success.  Good hunting!

Boston,  December 16, 1773

Today a crowd of angry white men boarded three ships in Boston Harbor and threw all tea overboard.  The long-term environmental impact has yet to be determined.

“I was minding my own business when I saw a group of about 100 men board some ships.  I didn’t know what they wanted but they all seemed very very angry about something” said an eyewitness to the terrorist event.

The unruly crowd, in defiance of all decency, destroyed 342 chests of tea.  When they were finished with their acts of vandalism the culprits dispersed into the night.

With the advent of day, as scores of dead fish floated on the surface, agents from the King’s Environmental Protection Agency were on the scene.

“This just boggles the imagination” said the Agent in charge of the investigation.  “The Harbor is an important environmental resource.  A pristine resource.  Now it is contaminated.  Who knows if it will ever return to its former condition.”

A spokesman for the Royal Governor called the action the “work of a fringe group of extremists who do not represent the colony.”  He also vowed to track down the guilty and bring them to justice.

“There is no room in a civilized society for this sort of antisocial violence.  If these tea party people want to live outside the law, if they want to damage the environment, if they want to drown in their anger they can go live in Connecticut, not Massachusetts.  We are an inclusive, tolerant society and we do not tolerate racism.”

The last comment highlighted the most controversial aspect of the night’s events:  White men dressing up in the costumes of native Americans.  Groups of counter protesters gathered in downtown Boston to show their support for the embattled native American community.

The Royal Governor has asked for all citizens to remain calm.

“I was saddened by the events and I just hope that there is no retaliation by white men against native  Americans.  I am also proposing that anybody who was involved with throwing the tea overboard be prohibited from owning a gun.”

Boston’s tight knit community of fishermen are reported to be “devastated” by impact upon their business.

“We are wiped out.  I just hope the Government gives us a bail out” said one.

Many companies nowadays are attaching slogans to their products in the hope of attracting an ethos or corporate culture to its use.  Many companies are not content simply to have people use their product. The correct demographic must use it.  Toilet paper, it seems, is not immune to this trend.

Perhaps the most notorious example of this is Seventh Generation Toilet Paper.  Written on every bag of their toilet paper is a quote from The Great Law of the Iroquois Confederacy:  “In our deliberation, we must consider the impact of our decisions on the next seven generations.”

“We at Seventh Generation care about the environment” said a spokesman.  “We only want those who are conscious of their grave responsibility to the next seven generations to wipe their ass with our product.”  When asked about the eight generation he responded, “Who cares.  They’re on their own.  Sucks to be them.”

Green Forest toilet paper and their slogan, “Soft on nature.  Soft on you”  seems to be written with the busy lives of everyday people in mind.

“People have enough problems.  Keeping their job.  Paying off a mortgage.  When they are wiping themselves they are at their most vulnerable.  Wouldn’t it be nice to have a toilet paper that understands?” said a spokesman for Green Forest.

Charmin Ultra Strong, with pictures of bears on their product and commercials of bears frolicking in the woods seems to be going for an alternate lifestyle demographic.

“We’re very popular with the Man-Bear Love Association” said their representative.  “We believe in free love.  We’re just kicking down the cobble stones looking for fun and feeling groovy.”

And that is just a sample of the main brands of toilet paper.  Local varieties are also going for specific demographics.

In New York a popular brand of toilet paper is “The Village People Toilet Paper.”  Their slogan of “It’s kinda rough but you like it that way don’t you?” was recently featured on Jerry Springer.

As for your humble correspondent, well, I am on a budget and have recently switched to a brand manufactured in Brooklyn in a sandpaper factory.  I asked about their slogan of “Yeah, it’s sandpaper.  But its 15 cents. What are you looking at punk?”‘

“It’s very very cheap.  We get a lot of deadbeats using it.  Lots of bloggers.”

Amen to that brother.

Calling it the“civil rights issue of the Century” Mark Hansen, presiding Bishop of the Lutheran Evangelical Church in America raised his strong opposition to President Obama’s choice of Elana Kagen to be the next Supreme Court Justice of the United States.

“With the retirement of John Paul Stevens there will not be one Protestant member of the Supreme Court.  When you look back on all that Protestants have contributed to America, what with Art Linkletter and Mary Tyler Moore it is inconceivable that this could happen.”

He then called for a day of protest and asked  that all Protestants “Raise Holy Heck.”

Katherine Jefferts Schori, Presiding Bishop and Primate of the Episcopalian Church in the United States called on Obama to “Stop his exclusionary practices.  We need a Protestant on the Court to protect all that we hold dear - the Constitution, the separation of Church and State, Wiffle Ball, cardigan sweaters and Mary Tyler Moore.”

The General Conference of the United Methodist Church has urged its members to “Smoke their pipes while ripping the patches off their jackets and throwing them to the ground” in protest.   Note:  The UMC later recanted, saying through a spokesman that what they originally proposed was “extreme, even for us.”  They later issued a statement to the effect that if the rights of Mary Tyler Moore are respected then they can live with a protestant-free Supreme Court.  “For now anyway.”

Throughout the United States worried police have reported crowds of “demure and very well behaved Protestants” returning their Mary Tyler Moore DVDs in protest.  Said one police chief:  “They were all very polite.  Except for the Methodists of course.”

The Administrative Committee of the Presbyterian Church in America called the return of the DVDs a “Sacrifice the Supreme Being Demands until the abomination of having no Protestants on the Supreme Court is rectified.” They also reminded members to pay any parking tickets on time. When asked if they too would be ripping the patches off their jackets the Administrative Committee said “Who’s doing that?  The Methodists? Figures. They are out of control.  Seriously.  We don’t even like to be around them.”

The American Baptist Church of America said that it would be amenable to a meeting of all Protestants to seek redress of their grievances as long as it didn’t lead to “breaking bread with Methodists.  They are a bunch of patchless libertines.”

Informed of Protestant opposition to Kagen, Francis Cardinal George, OMI, President of the United States Conference of Catholic Bishops said that while he respects their opinion, it is important that a Protestant not be on the Supreme Court as “it may lead to Deism.  Hey, I just said Deism.  Everybody gather around.  Group hug.  Group hug people.”

Mary Tyler Moore could not be reached for comment.

With Greece’s bond rating reduced to the “junk” level, the European Union has begun closely  monitoring Greece’s credit card statements.

“We are concerned” said the EU Parliament President Jerzy Buzek.  “Greece is a very important part of the European Union and we want a healthy Greece.  That’s the way the EU works.  We want to say loud and clear that Europe belongs to all of us.  Well, except for Turkey.  We don’t like Turkey.”

Hoping to head off a debt crisis that could spread to Spain and Ireland the EU has started monitoring all of Greece’s credit cards.  And what they’ve found is troubling.

“We never should have given Greece a credit card in the first place” said Buzek.  “Look at their latest statement.  A hundred Euro iTunes purchase of the complete John Tesh?  That’s just reckless and irresponsible.”

As he detailed Greece’s credit card binging his frustration grew.

“They purchased the complete X-Files on DVD.  They could have saved some money by buying only the first four years.  Everything after that sucked anyway.  5000 Euros to buy personal massagers?  Look at this purchase for an adult chatline.  And that doesn’t include all the porn purchases they put on their card.  I would expect this kind of immorality from Malta or Slovenia but not from Greece.  I’ve learned a bitter lesson.  Never trust the Greeks.  Or the Bulgarians.  Or the Czechs.  And especially not the Estonians.  Bastard Estonians! And I don’t like New Zealand either.  Yeah I know they’re not a part of the European Union but that doesn’t matter.  I spit on New Zealand.”

As part of their debt restructuring deal, Greece will have to agree to the following:

1. Greece will have to be in bed by 11:00 PM on school nights.
2. Greece will not be able to borrow the car until they find a Summer job.
3. Greece’s cell phone contract will be changed to disallow text messaging.
4. Greece will have to walk Germany’s dog every morning and evening. No exceptions.

“Our conditions may seem tough.  But we want Greece to learn personal responsibility” said Buzek.  “Are you from New Zealand?  You look like you are.  I spit on you!”

Greece will have three weeks to clean up its act.  If they don’t Greece will be sent to live with their Grandmother for the Summer.

In my post for April 15th I wrote that Nick Johnson had changed his uniform number to “May 5″ to honor the date he is placed on the disabled list:

baseball-baseball-baseball

Well baseball fans, I was off by three days.  Today May 8th the Yankees placed Nick Johnson on the DL.  And let it never be said that the Manhattan Infidel is nothing if not prescient.

Johnny Damon our Yankee Nation turns its lonely eyes to you.

Since the arrest of Faisal Shahzad for the attempted car bombing in Times Square speculation has turned to his possible motives.

On The View Thursday morning Joy Behar talked about her disbelief that Shahzad could be a bomber.

“Look at him.  He’s so handsome.  How can a handsome man be a bomber?  I bet he was angry over something Rush Limbaugh said.  I bet he’s embarrassed at Sara Palin’s stupidity.”

From all accounts it appears that Shahzad was a model immigrant who had no problems assimilating into mainstream America.  He married a beautiful American-born woman, got a college degree and bought a home.  But then things turned bad for him.  His home went into foreclosure.  He lost his job.  He separated from his family.  Neighbors mentioned “quirky habits” such as jogging at night while wearing explosives strapped to his chest.

“I said good morning to him once and he responded ‘Die Infidel dog!’  But I didn’t think anything of it.  He was quiet and kept to himself” said one neighbor.

Another neighbor states that they used to exchange recipes.

“I gave him my special recipe for fudge that’s been in the family for generations.  He told me how how to use an alarm clock to set off a car bomb.  But I didn’t think anything of it.  He seemed so nice.”

Experts brought in by Homeland Security have focused on possible economic motives for the attempted bombing.

“He seems to have been singularly oppressed in America.  He lost a job.  He was not getting rich.  But what seems to have really set him off is when his house was foreclosed.  Obviously he was angry at Democrats for their perceived role in causing the housing meltdown.”

New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg speculates that Shahzad had a political motive.

“My guess is that he is a teabagger and angry about the health care bill.”

Those interrogating Shahzad mention that he visited Pakistan for a couple months to gain expert knowledge on “how to kill the infidel.”

“At this point we believe that infidel is some sort of code word.  Possibly short for infidelity.  In which case it makes sense that he was angry at Democrats for what he sees as their perceived infidelity to the core values of our Constitution.  A perception that intelligent people know is wrong.”

No matter what Shahzad’s true motives may have been, New York was very lucky that the bomb did not ignite.

“I just hope Republicans don’t use this as an excuse to go after people of color.  I’m really worried about a possible backlash” said Mayor Bloomberg.

 If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even considering if there are men on base. ~Dave Barry

Today I went to Yankee Stadium to see the Yankees play a matinee against the Baltimore Orioles. And if you can’t spend a beautiful spring day with Olivia Wilde   the ballpark will do.  Fortunately for me, Javier Vasquez was not the scheduled starter so there was a good chance of victory.

Andy Pettitte (4-0) started for the Yankees and pitched five strong innings, allowing six hits and one run while striking out two, lowering his ERA to 2.08.  Unfortunately for the Yankees, since Pettitte is 62 years old he had to leave the game after the fifth inning with stiffness in his elbow and back.  Hopefully he won’t miss a start.

The Yankees scored first when Nick Johnson of the .171 average and bad pornstache homered to deep right.  The Yankees play music when each person is announced to bat.  The music played is what the players request.  Johnson plays Miley Cyrus.  He claims he does this for his daughter.  Yes.  Of course.  That is the reason.  And I was caught in an alley with a prostitute because I was ministering to the outcasts of society.

Nick Swisher homered in the second.  AROD drove in Jeter in the third and the Yankees scored three times in the fourth.  6 - 1 after five when Pettitte left.  Victory seemed secure.  Then our bullpen came in. Ty Wigginton, Matt Weiters and Nolan Reimold homered for Baltimore in the eighth and ninth as Baltimore scored four times off of five Yankee relievers.  Final score:  Yankees 7 Baltimore 5.

Nick Johnson injury watch:

Nick was captured by the Borg before the game and assimilated into the Collective.  Fortunately the clubhouse attendants for the Yankees were able to retrofit a batting helmet to fit over the Borg implants.

Notes on the game:

At one point before the game I found myself leaning on a stainless steel table behind the home plate area.  I was immediately surrounded by Yankee Stadium security who sensed a disturbance in the force.

“Sir. You can’t lean here.  This area is reserved!”

Damn my gauche elbows.   Well, they do look poor.

Today was Cinco de Mayo.  There was a special on Latin food at Yankee Stadium.  To ensure ethnic authenticity all Latin food came with a switchblade.  What?  What do you mean I can’t say that?  People are so sensitive nowadays.

In the Yankee team store they sell “game-used equipment.”  I wanted to buy some game-used equipment.  But Jeter’s jersey was $1,000.  Home plate was $2,000.  I don’t have that kind of money so I bought a Ramiro Pena game-used unwashed jockstrap for $11.25.  It was either that or Billy Martin’s liver preserved in a pickle jar for $25.00

Reader mail:

L.K. of New Jersey writes, “That videotape that purports to show me stabbing my neighbor to death?  It’s fake.  Really.  Honestly.”

D.B. of Philadelphia writes, “Damn you Manhattan Infidel for disparaging my great city.  If it weren’t for my ankle monitoring bracelet and the fact that leaving the state violates my parole I’d travel to NYC and admonish you.”

Olivia Wilde writes, “What part of restraining order don’t you understand?”

Megan Fox writes, “What part of restraining order don’t you understand?”

Jessica Rabbit writes, “I’m not bad.  I’m just drawn that way.  And what part of a restraining order don’t you understand?”

Frau Blucher writes, “Stay close to the candles.  The stairway can be……treacherous”

Recommended reading material:

The History of the Federal Reserve, Volume 1, 1913-1951.  (I bought it only for the pictures of the naked girls.)

So this year my record stands at 2-2.  My next game is Monday May 17th against the abomination of desolation known as the Boston Red Sox.  And what does Boston do readers?  That’s right.  Bahstahn sawks cack.

Go Yankees!

During the Eighth inning of a game between the Philadelphia Phillies and the St. Louis Cardinals, a 17-year old fan ran out onto the field at Citizen’s Bank Ballpark.  He was immediately tasered by quick thinking Philadelphia police. In the aftermath television shows and talk radio were discussing whether the force was justified or excessive.

Many fans clearly feel the use of a taser was excessive.

“Dude I haven’t seen such violence and rage at a baseball game since the last time Alfonso Soriano struck out” said one caller.

In Seattle interim Police Chief John Diaz told reporters that tasering the fan was not something his officers would have done.

“We probably would just put a cup of Starbucks coffee in his hand and pointed him in the direction of some anarchists.  Believe me he would have gotten the message.”

From the offices of Major League Baseball, Commissioner Bud Selig issued a statement that said:

We regret the unfortunate incident at last night’s game.  However fans should not run out onto the field.  This non-millionaire, I mean this fan, might have actually gotten close to one of our players. If that had happened the social order of society would be destroyed.  Chaos would reign. Pestilence and famine would follow. Who knows, the Earth might leave its orbit. The Sun might go supernova.  The Cubs might win a championship.  The Philadelphia police were just looking out for the interests of everybody.

From Philadelphia Police Commissioner Charles Ramsey said that the use of force was justified.

This is the big city.  We have lots of trouble with undesirable types like Mexicans and Dallas Cowboys fans. It’s important that our officers stay alert and that they use their training as often as possible.  Besides, the officer who tasered the fan might have thought he (the fan) was Santa Claus.  Outworlders (those not from Philly) won’t understand but to us, Santa is the Devil,  the Antichrist the last guy to play drums in Wings all rolled into one.

A visit to the Philadelphia Police Academy to watch officers being trained offered valuable insight into the situation.  Officers shoot at targets dressed as Santa.

A two-week intensive “Know your Enemy - It is Santa” training course offers cadets valuable opportunities to hone their Santa beatdown skills.  Skills that will come in handy in the real world.

As a cardboard cutout of Santa was brought into a room full of cadets a tape loop of  Santa proclaming “Ho! Ho! Ho!” was played.  Cadets tensed, and grabbed their batons.

“Take him out boys” said the instructor.  “The Fat one’s going down!” 

As for the fan who ran out onto the field he says he may do it again.

“But I’m not going to wear red.  No wonder they tasered me.  I looked like Santa out there.”

The NYPD, Homeland Security and the FBI have announced that the suspect in Saturday evening’s foiled Times Square car bombing is a “balding white male in his mid ’40s” prompting an intensive coast to coast search for former teen idol Leif Garrett.

“Right now all evidence points to Garrett, who I believe used to be famous in the ’70s” said NYPD Chief Ray Kelly.  As to why Garrett is the suspect Kelly said “We are looking for a balding man. David Lee Roth is too old and Bing Crosby is dead.”

Because the car was parked outside the headquarters of Viacom, owners of South Park, rumors abounded that it was a failed strike by Muslims.  Chief Kelly denied this.

“Any speculation like that is  pure racism.  It’s the white man.  It’s always the white man.”

Chief Kelly then had himself arrested.

From his seedy, one-bedroom apartment in a run-down section of Los Angeles, Garrett denied any responsibility for the bomb attempt.

“Come on!  Leave me alone will you.  I had nothing to do with it.  I just want to pay my rent and eat my KFC double down.”

Reporters and police who questioned Garrett all noticed that “he seemed to be a very angry white man.”

Garrett, who was out of control and close to losing it, repeatedly berated press who contacted him.

“You’re tramping mud all over my apartment.  Guys my vacuum cleaner isn’t working.  Will you be careful!  Please!”

The LA Times ran a front page headline, “Garrett’s Very Angry Descent into Madness and Car Bombing”:

Former teen idol and hearthrob Leif Garrett, today is a stereotypical angry white male.  His millions vanished.  The adoring girls gone he now bides his time in a cheap apartment with bomb making materials.  It is worth  noting that during this reporter’s visit he continually tried to pick up mud off the floor.  Why?  Possibly for bomb making material.

VH1 has announced that is is working on a special, “Leif Garrett:  White, Angry and Car Bomber” to be aired in June.

Despite the attention focused on him Garrett continues to deny any responsibility for the car bombing.

“Seriously will you guys leave me alone.  Why don’t you investigate David Cassidy? I just want to work again. Can I borrow your phone?  I have to contact my agent and my phone was cut off. “

In a related note, it has been announced that David Cassidy has been signed to play Leif Garrett in a new movie based on his life as an angry white car bomber.