Manhattan Infidel

In my continuing effort to better the lives of my readers I now offer a few tips on how to preserve and strengthen your marriage.

The key to any successful marriage is of course communication. At some point your wife will approach you and say “I want to talk about my feelings.”

The important thing to do when this happens is to take a deep breath and not panic.  There is a simple way out of this.  Look  your wife in the eye and say “I’d love to talk about your feelings but it’s Friday night.  Time for hookers and blow.” Then leave for a strip club.

Note:  This may anger your wife.  She may throw things at you.  But rest assured. She is simply acting out a bourgeois construct.  Deep down she appreciates your honesty.

Note:  When you return home you may find the locks have been changed.  Do not fret.  This is why God invented Philadelphia.  Get in your car and drive to the City of Brotherly Love.  Philadelphia:  Providing sanctuary for husbands who have been locked out after a visit to a strip club for six decades and counting.

Many of my readers tell me that their wives often gently remind them when the weekend arrives that chores need to be done and until those chores are finished there will be no “sitting on the couch watching football.”

There is an easy way out of this conundrum.  Grab your rifle and a ladder, climb up onto the roof and pick off the neighbors one by one.  When the police arrive and ask you why you are doing this tell them that your wife said you could not watch football until the chores were done.  The police will sympathize and you will not be arrested.

Another way to maintain a fresh marriage is keeping the romance alive.  An easy way to do this is role play.  I suggest sleeping with all of your wife’s friends, taping it and putting it on the internet.  If she objects tell her it’s all part of role play.

Women love gifts.  One way to keep your wife happy is to give her lots of presents.  Surprise her one day by bringing home the illegitimate children you have fathered.  Your wife will like this as it shows you are a family man.  If perchance you have no illegitimate children then give your wife a vacuum cleaner or a new mop.  Women love practical gifts like this.  It shows that you are thinking about them.

“I’m thinking about you honey” you can say.  “I’m thinking about how this new vacuum cleaner and mop will enable you to do more housework while I go play golf.”

And there you have it.  Follow my advice and you will be guaranteed a long and happy marriage.  Trust me.  I’m the Manhattan Infidel.  I only have your best interests at heart.

But don’t take just my word.  Here are some testimonials I have received from grateful readers:

T.S. from Astoria, Queens writes, “I gave my wife a vacuum cleaner and a mop for our anniversary.  She started crying.  I think they were tears of joy.  She then stabbed me in the groin with a letter opener. But she’s Korean so I think that was just a cultural misunderstanding.”

T.S. - Yes I understand they do have different customs.  She was probably trying to thank you.

M.B. of Brooklyn writes, “If my husband ever follows your advice so help me I will hunt you down and stab you in the groin with a letter opener.”

M.B. I didn’t even know you were Korean.

S.S. of Manhattan writes, “My husband recently surprised me by  bringing home an illegitimate child he had fathered.  I would have stabbed him in the groin with a letter opener but I’m an American.  So I shot him instead.”

That’s a rather unique way of getting a man to talk about his feelings, S.S.

Note:  The Manhattan Infidel will be relocating to a motel in Philadelphia next to a strip club. For research purposes only.

Community Board 1 in lower Manhattan approved today the building of a mega mosque a block from Ground Zero.  In the 29-1 vote the Board said that the planned mega mosque will provide recreational facilities for the impoverished citizens of lower Manhattan and will also, “in the tradition of Islam” promote tolerance.

The plan will turn the old Burlington Coat Factory into a 100 million dollar center that will have a mosque, a 500 seat auditorium, tentatively named the “Death to America Auditorium”, a swimming pool, a bookstore, tentatively called the “Death to America Bookstore” and a restaurant which will feature the finest in Muslim cuisine, including sawed off westerner’s head, chopped off westerner’s head, hacked off westerner’s head and Chicken McNuggets.

The proposal was not without its detractors however as hordes of intolerant citizens attended the board meeting to voice their displeasure.

“We expected a few racists to oppose this beautiful symbol of togetherness” said Manhattan Borough President Scott Stringer “but it is our responsibility to label the opposition as what they are - un-American, unpatriotic and race bating.  And I’m not just saying that because Muslims are holding my son hostage and have threatened to cut his head off.” 

City Council Speaker Christine Quinn commented that the Mosque will unite New York behind its core principles of tolerance and diversity.

We will never know what the true motives were of those who flew planes into buildings in Downtown Manhattan. Perhaps they were having difficulty paying off their mortgage.  Perhaps they wanted to make a statement about the evils of capitalism.  But there is one thing all intelligent New Yorker’s know - this mosque will put an end to the false and hurtful notion that Muslims want to kill us.  A notion, I might add, that was used by the previous administration to justify its two immoral wars.

Community Board 1 also expressed its support for efforts to build a tribute to the Japanese Navy near the Arizona Memorial.

“We will never know what the true motives were of the Japanese Navy.  Perhaps the pilots were having difficulty paying off their mortgage.  But the proposed tribute will help ensure American values of diversity, tolerance and peace” said a Community Board member

The European Union has accused American cheese of “unilateralism” and deemed it a threat to peace. Jerzy Buzek, President of the Parliament of the European Union made the announcement today.

“These individually wrapped slices of American Cheese are destroying Europe.”

He then went on to describe in full why the European Union will boycott American Cheese and place sanctions on the importation of it into EU countries.

We spit on your individually wrapped slices of yellow cheese.  It is the cheese of war!  Look at our Swiss cheese.  That is a truly peace-loving cheese.  The holes in the cheese symbolize European transparency and openness.  Nothing bad ever happens with Swiss cheese.  Oh, occasionally artwork stolen by the Nazis may show up but that is water under the bridge.

While many diplomats are stunned by the hostility to American cheese, sources close to the EU say that the ban on American cheese was long coming and represents European disdain for American cowboy values and worries that American culture is overtaking Europe.

“In the westerns, the cowboys used to eat American cheese by the campfire.  Westerns are very popular in Europe and now the majority of Europeans want to eat American cheese” said one person close to the situation.

Starting July 1st, the European Union will ban American cheese and other products of the “American War Machine” including but not limited to:

1. The TV show 24.  “A truly war-like American cheese eating show.  I bet Jack Bauer eats American cheese before he disembowels his victims.”
2. Miley Cyrus.  “She looks like she’s a cheese eater. And if she comes to Europe we fear Roman Polanski may escape from his house arrest.”
3. The letter “C”.  “What does cheese start with?  The letter C.  Better to nip it in the bud.”
4. Friday.  “Americans work on Friday.  If Europe found out about this it could damage morale in our socialist states.”
5. The Hudson River. “It’s not even a river.  It’s an estuary.  A war-like estuary.  C’mon America.  Get with the program.”

With the advent of sanctions, the European Union hopes to purify the culture of Europe from bad American influences.  It may have a chance of succeeding.  When informed of the sanctions, President Obama apologized to the EU on behalf of all America for American cheese.

“I myself have never had American cheese.  But I believe it represents American thoughtlessness and triumphalism. I certainly sympathise with the socialist governments of the EU.”

Cows throughout the United States could not be reached for comment.

In a speech today President Obama called the existence of “known capitalists” on Wall Street the greatest danger the American Republic has faced in years.

Speaking in Prime Time to the American people, President Obama outlined the case against Wall Street and the “evils” he saw during his brief trip to New York.

“My fellow Americans.  Believe me when I say that when I visited Wall Street I looked into the face of  evil. I would have seen more but Michelle and I were late for a Broadway show.”

Warming to his subject, the President gave specific examples of the “evil and malfeasance” of the enemies of the American people.

I had heard rumors, that I scarcely could believe in today’s enlightened times, of people in New York engaged in the tired old pursuit of profit.  Today, we are engaged in an all-out final battle between capitalism and the policies of my administration. The modern champions of capitalism have selected this as the time.  My fellow Americans can there be anyone watching who is so blind as to say that war is not on against those of us who want to redistribute income?  I have in my hand a list of 205 cases of individuals who would appear to be either card carrying capitalists or certainly loyal to the principles of a free market economy. These men continue to work freely on Wall Street even though they are known by our State Department to be capitalists. One thing to remember when discussing capitalists is that we are not dealing with spies who get 30 pieces of silver.  We are dealing with a more sinister type because it permits the capitalistic enemy to shape and guide our economic policy.  The great difference between the policies of my administration and the capitalists on Wall Street is not political.  It is moral.  My fellow Americans.  It is time to drive the money changers out of the temple and return America to its socialist roots.  Thank you and good night.

President Obama then announced a financial reform package that will raise taxes on anyone “not working for the Federal Government.”

NBC has announced that as part of its “Green Week” President Obama will appear on all their Prime Time shows.

“Redistribution of income helps the environment” said a spokesman for NBC.

Defying all expectations local hip hop artist “Dirty Muthafucka” has avoided being shot.

“I don’t know what I’m doing wrong” said Dirty Muthafucka.  “My music is violent.  Authentic.  Filled with disturbing images.  I have a posse that follows me around.  They all carry guns.  I encourage them to shoot people.  So why am I not being shot back?”

In lieu of his nonshooting many record stores are refusing to carry his CDs.  iTunes will not carry his music either.

“We’ve given him every opportunity to die a violent death but since he hasn’t there doesn’t seem to be any market for his hip hop” said an Apple executive.

In recent weeks Mr. Muthafucka has taken steps to increase his street credibility in hopes of a violent death.

“I got tats man” said Muthafucka as he raised his sleeve revealing a “I love butterflies and rainbows“ tattoo.  “Oh man that’s not the tat I asked for.  I specifically asked for the ‘Whitey must die’ one.  See how the man mocks me!”

In addition to his disturbing tendency to remain alive, other recent events have thrown doubt on his hip hop legitimacy as shown by this charged exchange with a reporter from the New York Times:

NY Times:  How well did you know your father?

Dirty Muthafucka: I never knew him.  He was wrongly convicted of murder and sentenced to life in prison.

NY Times:  But our records show that he worked for IBM until he retired.

Dirty Muthafucka: Okay, so he worked at IBM. But in the mail room because the Man would not let him go any higher.

NY Times:  He was an executive.  His tax return shows that he made $1,000,000 a year.

Dirty Muthafucka: All lies by the Man.  He was a convict.

NY Times:  We have a picture of him introducing Ronald Reagan at a campaign rally.

Dirty Muthafucka:   So this is how the Man operates? I invite you into my home and share my Pinot Grigio with you and you spread the same old tired lies about my family?  This interview is over!

Mr. Muthafucka, who was born Edward Jones in Scarsdale, New York has asked his fans to pray that he gets shot soon.

“I have a brand name to uphold.  If I don’t get killed my career is going to die!”

An as of yet unidentified male sped through the toll booth on the Triborough Bridge today causing panic as the bridge was shut down to investigate the possible terror incident.

“I was working my shift when just after 2 PM a sports sedan, I think it was a Saab, came speeding through the booth” said a toll booth operator.”He didn’t even try to slow down. I yelled at him but I didn’t get a good look at him.”

The Triborough, a major hub connecting Manhattan, Queens and The Bronx was shut down as police looked for clues.  As police and media helicopters hovered overhead television programs were interrupted.

“We interrupt our Tiger Woods special which preempted our Levi Johnston interview which interrupted our normal programming to bring you this special report:  New York’s Triborough Bridge victim of apparent terrorist attack!” intoned MSNBC’s Contessa Brewer.

MSNBC: The facts are these:  Just after 2 PM a Saab sports sedan, though there are conflicting claims that it was a gas guzzling SUV, sped through the tool booth killing the attendant. I have on the line an employee at the Triborough.  Sir, can you tell us what happened?

Employee:  This Saab sped right through without paying the toll.

MSNBC: Is that before or after he opened fire and killed your colleague?

Employee: He didn’t have a gun.  There were no shots fired.

MSNBC:  What about the bomb?  Can you tell us about the explosive device?

Employee:  I don’t know anything about an explosive device.  The guy went through the toll booth that’s all.

MSNBC:  Are you sure it was a Saab?  Are you sure it wasn’t a gas guzzling SUV?  Did it look like it was polluting the environment?  Did it have an Alaska license plate number?  Was Sara Palin driving it?

Employee:  I….I….I don’t know the answer to any of this.  It was just a car that drove through a toll booth.

MSNBC:  We thank you for your time.  If you’re just joining us there has been an attempted terrorist bombing at the Triborough Bridge.  Here are the facts: At 2 PM an SUV pulled up to the toll booth, the driver then shot the attendant and set off an explosive device before getting away.  At this point I don’t want to speculate but I just hope the perpetrator wasn’t a Muslim.  Because this is America and if it was a Muslim you know certain elements will use this as an excuse for hatred and oppression against people of other colors.  They will say “Brown people don’t pay tolls.”  I just hope the person responsible for this outrage was a white man.  Joining us now is Mayor Bloomberg.  Mayor what can you tell us?

Mayor Bloomberg:  Good afternoon Contessa.  I don’t want to speculate until the facts are in but I think it was someone with a political agenda.  Perhaps he was angry about healthcare.  Perhaps he was high on excess sodium.

MSNBC:  But he was definitely white?

Mayor Bloomberg:  That is what the FBI profilers are telling me.

MSNBC:  Oh thank God for that.  One more thing Mayor.  And I want to stress that until the facts are in we don’t want to speculate but do you remember that scene in Close Encounters where the aliens go through the toll booth?

Mayor Bloomberg:  Yes I do.

MSNBC:  Could it have been aliens? Aliens with a political agenda? Angry aliens?  Could they have been angry teabagging aliens with a political agenda?

Mayor Bloomberg:  That is a distinct possibility.  Contessa let me just say that New York is a tolerant inclusive society and we welcome everyone.  If it was aliens I would ask all  New Yorkers to remain calm and not prejudge those from other worlds.

MSNBC:  Thank you Mayor Bloomberg.  We’ll be right back after this with continuing coverage of the terrorist alien teabagging incident on the Triborough.  Theme song sung by Justin Bieber.  And as a reminder, tonight on Lockup racist angry white teabagging prisoners with a political agenda beat up brown people.

Fresh off the environmental catastrophe in the Gulf of Mexico, engineers from British Petroleum are working on a new crisis:  the attempt to place a containment dome over Whoopi Goldberg.

After a series of controversial statements on ABC’s The View including her comment that Michael Vick should not be punished because “dog fighting is part of black culture” and Roman Polanski’s forced anal penetration of a 13 year old girl was not “rape-rape”, officials at the Environmental Protection Agency have asked BP to step in and end the crisis.

“We’ve been getting reports of pit bulls and 13 year old girls washing up on the Eastern Seaboard.  It’s getting to the point that the homeless are having trouble finding syringes and other medical waste” said EPA Administrator Lisa Jackson.

Officials from BP warn that nothing on this scale has been tried before.  Indeed, their first try at “capping” Ms. Goldberg met with failure when the dome would not fit over her mouth.

“We haven’t tried to cap such a degree of  Hollywood assholeness since Cameron Diaz went on Oprah Winfrey in 2004 and said that a vote for George Bush would be a vote for legalizing rape” said a spokesman for BP.

In that example a smaller “top hat” was placed over Ms. Diaz.  Unfortunately she wore the top hat courtside at a Lakers game and Kobe Bryant slept with it, damaging it to the point where it had to be abandoned.

Preliminary reports say that a second attempt to lower the containment dome onto Goldberg has been successful.

“Right now we are pumping her vocal sludge to a ship in New York Harbor.”

BP is quick to remind people that this is only a temporary solution.

“The ship can only hold three million gallons.  Eventually Goldberg will have to be encased totally in cement and dumped into a desolate area where damage to the environment will be minimal.”

At the moment BP executives are looking at two possible areas as final resting places for Goldberg:  The City of Poughkeepsie, New York or any movie theater showing a Chevy Chase film retrospective.

BP executives are also quick to point out that their resources are not unlimited.

“Even if we successfully cap Goldberg, who is going to cap Joy Behar? We will need Government intervention for such an unfathomably large job.”

The first annual Suicide Bomber and Liberace Fan Club Convention in Las Vegas ended in tragedy today when one of the bombers died from an apparent food allergy.

“We had just come from buying new Air Jordan 2010 sneakers and were eating peanut butter and jelly sandwiches” said Abdul-Majeed Hussein. “All of a sudden Fareed started choking and his face got real swollen.  He collapsed and stopped breathing.”

Fareed Rasheen was taken to the hospital where he later died.  An autopsy revealed that he died due to an allergic reaction to peanut butter.

Reaction to the death from the other suicide bombers ranged from disbelief to shock to anger.

“This is just like the infidel” said one.  “We just wanted to come to Las Vegas and have a good time before killing Americans and one of us dies from peanut butter.  I don’t trust peanut butter.  The swirls in the peanut butter are anti-Islamic.” 

Another bomber told police “I can’t believe Fareed is dead!  He had so much to blow himself up for.”

From Pakistan the mother of the dead suicide bomber expressed anger at the American Government.

“My son should still be alive!  When I encouraged him to become a suicide bomber I had no idea he would die.”  

With her lawyer at her side she then announced a $500 million lawsuit against the Federal Government, The State of Nevada and Marg Helgenberger from the hit TV show CSI.

The Hard Rock Cafe and Casino, which was hosting the convention has started an internal investigation into the incident.

“We take it very seriously when our guests die. Well, except for John Entwistle of course.”  said a spokesman for the hotel.

As for the suicide bombers themselves, they plan to take their convention elsewhere next year.

“The Hard Rock Cafe lied to us.  They promised us Whitney Houston and she never showed up.  First they kill us with peanut butter and then they deny us Whitney Houston.  I am tired of their infidel tricks!”

 ”A baseball game is simply a nervous breakdown divided into nine innings” ~ Earl Wilson

Superman has General Zod.  Batman has the Joker.  My stomach has dairy products. Ying and Yang.  For every force of good there is an equal and opposite force of evil.  Today, evil in the guise of the Boston Red Sawks came to The Bronx.  And what does Boston do?  That’s right.  Bahstahn sawks cack.

The Yankees (24-13) and in second place in the AL East started at two game set against the 19-19 Bahstahn Red Sawks. Or as it is referred to here in New York:  Life or Death.  As it is referred to by the rest of America not in the  I-95 corridor:  The biggest payroll against the second biggest payroll.

The Yankees started Phil Hughes, wisely skipping over the incredible shrinking Javier Vasquez.   The Red Sawks started Daisuke Matsuzaka, who may have wanted to commit ritual hari kari after the Yankees jumped off the board first scoring five runs in the bottom of the first.  When Teixeira doubled in Brett Gardner in the bottom of the second the Yankees had a 6 -1 lead.  I thought the game would be a laugher.  I also felt a great disturbance in the force of the Red Sawks Nation.  Somewhere in Hollywood Ben Affleck was trying to get Jennifer Garner to put on a JLo mask.  “Come on honey,  It’s just role play.”  I can’t say I blame Ben.  Once you’ve had JLo’s posterior you never go back.  No….must…not…think…of….her….butt.

Unfortunately it was not a laugher.  Matsuzaka settled down after Red Sawks manager Terry Francona threatened to turn Matsuzaka’s home town into a smoldering radioactive ruin that would make Hiroshima look like child’s play.  Phil Hughes struggled all night and left after five innings, giving up home runs to J.D. Drew and David “Not that I’ve abused steroids, but my testicles just retracted again” Ortiz.  6-5 Yankees after five.  The Yankee bullpen, a source of strength last season again failed us.  Boone Logan (Who?  Seriously. Who?) pitched the sixth and gave up a run on a Victor Martinez home run.  7-6 Yankees after six.

Just off the DL, Chan Ho Park melted down and gave up the lead, allowing 3 runs to score in the eighth off of home runs to Victor Martinez (again) and Kevin Youkilis. 9-7 Bahstahn after 8 innings.

I was preparing myself for a Yankees loss to the forces of evil when in the bottom of the ninth AROD hit a 2-run home run to tie the score.   After Francisco Cervelli was hit by a pitch the newest Yankee hero Marcus Thames homered for the Yankees first walk off shaving cream in the face win of the season.  Final Score:  Yankees 11 Bahstahn 9.

I feel a great disturbance in the force of the Red Sawks Nation.  Somewhere in Hollywood Matt Damon is trying to convince someone that he is in fact not Mark Wahlberg.

Notes on the game:

There was a preliminary celebrity sighting.  Someone who looked like Eddie Murphy was at the game.  But since the person sitting next to him was a biological female and not a transsexual it was ruled out.

Nick Johnson injury watch:

As everyone knows Johnson is on the DL and may need season ending surgery.  He was in the Yankee locker room before the game rehabbing his wrist when he slipped on a Joba Chamberlain game-used condom and  broke his back.  Yankee trainers immobilized him and placed him in an ambulance.  Unfortunately the ambulance was involved in a head on collision on the Major Deegan Expressway. The back door to the ambulance flew open and the stretcher with Nick Johnson landed in the East River where it was attacked by a lonely and lost whale who mistook Johnson and said stretcher for another whale.  Johnson was dragged under the water and was in danger of drowning when the whale was cut in two by a passing tour boat.  Johnson swam to shore and was immediately attacked by a pit bull, losing the left side of his body.  The Yankees claim this is just a temporary set back for their DH.

Best heckle of the game:

I tried but my heckle of “Lets go Phil Hughes and strike out some Jews” didn’t seem to fire up the crowd.  In fact I was told I might be committing a hate crime.  So I changed my chant. Whenever Matsuzaka released the ball I would shout, “There’s a nip in the air!”

What? It was cold at Yankee Stadium last night.

Recommended reading material:

The Battle for Spotsylvania Court House and the Road to Yellow Tavern by Gordon C. Rhea.

Reader mail:

W.J.J.B. of Florda writes, “Recently I gave a judge a 20 dollar bill with the understanding he would find in favor of my client.  Instead he had me arrested for an attempted bribe.  What did I do wrong?”

You should have given him 20 dollars and some Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups.  Who can resist peanut butter cups?

L.K. of New Jersey writes, “I cannot believe Ronny Dio is dead.  I cannot believe it’s not butter.  I cannot believe I am writing you.”

Wow.  You really are a nihilist L.K.

S.S. of New York writes, “I really love Mondays.  They are my favorite day of the week.”

I have to apologize for S.S. readers.  She’s originally from upstate New York someplace around Rochester. No doubt she’s scarred by the experience.

H.S. of Queens writes, “I am Albanian and a Mets fan.”

Could be worse.  He could be an Azerbaijani Phillies fan.

M.W. (though soon to be  M.B.) writes “I just shot a Mets fan.”

Was he Albanian?

So after five games my record stands at 3-2.  My next Yankee game is Tuesday June 1st against the Baltimore “Almost a Major League team” Orioles.

Go Yankees!

With its housing market severely distressed, credit nonexistent and with no tax base, the city council of Bedford Falls has asked longtime resident George Bailey to “get the hell out of town.”

“We used to have a good town until Bailey screwed everything up” said the Mayor.  “Business was good.  People could buy homes without worrying that their investment would become worthless.  But now?  Look at Main Street!”

Since the housing bust Main Street has become a ghost town of boarded up formerly thriving businesses.  An investigation into the cause of the crash has placed the blame on Bailey’s Savings and Loan Association.  Mr. Bailey’s Association has long been known in town for its controversial policy of sub prime mortgages.  Mr. Bailey has often insisted that by loaning money to the underprivileged he is helping the town in the long run.

During hearings into the crash Bailey told the Town Council, “Why here - you’re all businessmen here. Doesn’t it (giving the working class mortgages) make them better citizens? Doesn’t it make them better customers?”

You - you said - what’d you say a minute ago? They had to wait and save their money before they even ought to think of a decent home. Wait? Wait for what? Until their children grow up and leave them? Until they’re so old and broken down that they… Do you know how long it takes a working man to save five thousand dollars? Just remember this, Mr. Potter, that this rabble you’re talking about… they do most of the working and paying and living and dying in this community.

A member of the Town Council called Bailey’s defense “impassioned and his heart is in the right place but he has no idea what he is talking about.” 

The crisis in Beford Falls financial community started when many of the people who had received mortgages at the hands of Bailey defaulted forcing the First Bank of Bedford Falls, run by Henry Potter to plunge 30 million in reserves into the market.  The money, while welcome came too late to prevent the crash.

With businesses failing and its tax base down, Bedford Falls was forced to lay off half its police force.

The end for George Bailey came as the result of certain financial improprieties at the Savings and Loan.    Last month Bailey defaulted on $800,000 in Savings and Loan debts.  Fearing “scandal, bankruptcy and prison” Bailey took to drinking heavily and left his wife.

There are also reports that money from his Savings and Loan found its way into the bank account of local dancer Violet Bick, a blond of dubious reputation.

“Why the whole town knows he’s been giving money to Violet Bick” said Mr. Potter.

Despite many who testified in favor of Bailey the Council has voted 7-2 in favor of a nonbinding resolution asking him to leave town within 30 days.

Mr. Bailey is expected to comply with the resolution as he has already accepted a position with the President’s Economic Advisory Council.

“George Bailey’s dedication, enthusiasm and selflessness to the downtrodden of society is exactly what this country needs and I am proud to have him as part of my Administration” said President Obama.

Mr. Bailey’s guardian angel, Clarence, who once again failed to make Angel First Class and win his wings has reportedly become despondent and moved in with Bailey’s former lover, Miss Bick.

“If I can’t get my wings I’m going to have some fun.  I’m going to grab Bick by the back of her hair and ride her ass.”