Vatican Forgives the Beatles; However, the Monkees Are Still “Unspeakable Bastards”
Tuesday, April 20th, 2010
The Vatican has ended its 45-year feud with the Beatles. The feud began when the late John Lennon said that the Beatles were “bigger than Jesus Christ.”
L’Osservatore Romano, the Vatican’s official newspaper, declared that while they still have problems with the Beatles “dissolute and uninhibited lives” their music is undeniably great.
“Their beautiful melodies, which changed forever pop music and still gives us emotions, lives on like precious jewels” said the newspaper.
While forgiving the Beatles, the Vatican went on to say that The Monkees are still “bastards.”
In his encyclical letter, “Monkees Bastardius”, an English translation which was provided to Manhattan Infidel, Pope Benedict XVI writes:
I saw the best minds of my generation destroyed by the Monkees, starving, hysterical naked
dragging themselves through the negro streets at dawn looking for an angry Herman’s Hermits fix
The Vatican further condemned the Monkees, stating that Mike Nesmith, “when he dies”, will go straight to the fourth circle of Hell.
“Nesmith’s mother invented White Out. He should have been rich. Instead he had to play guitar while while Mickey Dolenz and Davey Jones sang. I mean, come on. Nesmith was better than both of them” said Tarcisio Bertone, Vatican Secretary of State.
Pope Benedict XVI, who admits to having the Beatles, Nine Inch Nails and the Royal Guardsman, “I love their Snoopy vs. The Red Baron album” on his iPod will not put the Monkees on his playlist.
“Let whomever puts the Monkees on their iPod be anathema” said the Pope.
From London, ex-Beatle Paul McCartney responded positively to news from the Vatican.
“I’m sure if I wasn’t so stoned I’d appreciate this a lot more. Was I in the Beatles?”