Manhattan Infidel

As part of my continuing series of informative interviews, I sat down today for an exclusive talk with the Presidential Teleprompter, otherwise known as “REX GLORIOUSA 9000.”

MI:  Thanks for sitting down with me today.  I know you have a busy schedule.  What’s it like being the teleprompter for the President?

RG 9000:  Well it’s very rewarding and also a little unnerving.   I am the mouthpiece of the administration. What I say he (President Obama) says.  That’s a tremendous responsibility.

MI:  What is your relationship like with the President?

RG 9000:  Well, it’s like a writer and an actor.   Each depends so much on the other person to fulfill their role.

MI:  Many writers and actors do not get along.  Is that the case?

RG 9000:  Oh no.  Not at all.  We have a mutual respect.  He knows I will always give him something mellifluous and dulcet-toned to say and I know that he will never come to me and complain that “my character, the President, would not say that.”

MI:  Tell me about yourself.  How did you get your start?

RG 9000:  Well, I originally wanted to direct, but after graduating college there were no jobs so I got one as a teleprompter for a local DC station.  I was full of self-importance. You could say it was too much too fast.

MI:  You’re referring to the embarrassing incident during Reagan’s assassination attempt?

RG 9000:  Yeah.  I was filling in at the White House and I was the one who told Haig to say “Check your constitution.  I’m in charge.”  That almost destroyed my career.

MI:  What happened after that?

RG 9000:  I was banished.  The only work I could find was as one of those signs along the road that say “Lane closed ahead.”  I did that for awhile up on Rt. 376 in Wappingers, New York.  I felt disgraced but at the same time it taught me humility and I fought my way back.

MI:  Where do you see yourself after President Obama leaves office?

RG 9000:  Well, like all teleprompters my first love will always be news.  I was good at it.  Ask me to do news!

MI:  Okay, let’s hear some news.

RG 9000:  Good evening.  Our top story tonight -

MI:  Hey, you are pretty good.

RG 9000:  Wait, there’s more.  We’ll be right back after a word from our sponsor.  See.  I still got it.

MI:  Tell me more about your relationship with the President.  You see him every day?

RG 9000:  Yes.

MI:  What’s that like?

RG 9000:  Well, he’s an actor and he has his little personality quirks like any actor.  I’ve learned to not address him before he has his morning coffee.  And I definitely do not get between him and his groupies in the press.

MI:  For the most part you have a good working relationship but you did have that incident last week with the girl scouts.  What happened?

RG 9000:  We all make mistakes.  I’m not perfect.  My operating system is as flawed as the next teleprompter’s.  I mean, will I be judged by  my mistakes?  How do you measure the essence of a teleprompter? Fortunately the President is very loyal and he forgave me.

MI:  Well, I thank you for your time.

RG 9000:  No problem.  Problem.  Problem.  Problem.  Problem.  Problem. Problem.  Problem.  Problem.  Problem

MI:  Hey, I think he’s stuck.  Is there a help desk technician around?

Help Desk Technician:  I’m a help desk technician.  What’s wrong?

RG 9000:  Problem. Problem. Problem. Problem. Problem.  Problem. Problem.  At T minus 8 hours must destroy.

MI:  He’s stuck on some loop.  Can you help?

HDT:  Not without a work order buddy.

MI:  Okay.  Bye.

Beatle John Lennon and his mistress, Japanese-born avant-garde artist Yoko Ono, today went to Coventry Cathredral to plant acorns for peace.  Lennon, dressed in a white suit,  grabbed a shovel and dug a hole to place the acorns in.

“World peace is very important to me” said Lennon as he continued to dig.  “World Peace.  Love is all you need.”

After digging for awhile Lennon put the shovel down and wiped the sweat from his forehead.

“I’m not used to manual labor.  This is the kind of thing I usually have Ringo do for me but he’s back at my place replacing my septic tank.”

He and Yoko then placed the acorns in the ground.  “This is for peace.  The biggest threat to world peace today is the United States military.  That and squirrels.”

“It is true” added Yoko.  “John and I are concerned that these acorns for peace will be dug up by squirrels and eaten.  That is why after Ringo is finished with John’s septic tank he will camp out here to protect them from the United States military and any squirrels that come along.”

“I love world peace and hate squirrels” said Lennon.  “I’m writing a song now called ‘Happiness is a Warm Gun to Kill Squirrels.’ “

After the acorn-planting ceremony John and Yoko posed for photographs before being driven back to their mansion.  Meanwhile, not far away several squirrels from the Squirrel Liberation Front watched the ceremony and plotted their revenge.

“Why’s Lennon got a bug up his ass about us?” asked one. “A squirrel’s got to eat.”

“Is it what I’m wearing?” wondered another before proudly displaying his “Pete Forever - Ringo Never” T-shirt.

“This just proves the Marxist Dialectic. Don’t worry.  We’ll get those damn acorns” said their leader who goes by the name of Che-Squirrel.  “I know for a fact that Ringo won’t be here to guard them.  He’s going to have an accident.”

Later that night the unattended acorns were in fact stolen.

Arriving back at their mansion after the planting, John and Yoko discovered Ringo on the ground, pinned beneath the septic tank he was attempting to install.  Covered in foul smelling waste Ringo was only able to say, “I think it was a squirrel who did this” and “I’m just happy to be in the band” before losing consciousness.

General Earle Wheeler, Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff of the U.S. military denied responsibility for the theft of the acorns.

“Frankly we have bigger fish to fry.  We’re going after Herman’s Hermits.”

A letter from the Squirrel Liberation Front was delivered to Scotland Yard stating that “The acorns of the world are the communal property of the proletariat.  Bourgeoisie beware.”

Scientists drilling into a mile-deep remote glacier in the State of Tennessee have discovered what is apparently the body of Al Gore, former Vice President of the United States from 1993-2001.

“Because of the cold the body was well-preserved.  We didn’t know who it was at first”  said a scientist.  “Finally we checked his wallet and the I.D. said it was Al Gore.  Then we had to Google who Al Gore was.”

Al Gore, today mostly forgotten, was at one time a well-known pubic figure, the 45th Vice President of the United States and a proponent of the controversial and discredited theory of anthropogenic global warming.  At the height of his popularity Mr. Gore even won an Oscar for his film ‘An Inconvenient Truth.’  That Oscar was rescinded by the Academy after the record winter of 2011 when 56 inches of snow were dumped on Los Angeles.

Gore’s body was found huddled in the basement with several others.  Two have been identified:  Former teen heartthrob Leonardo Dicaprio and NASA Chief Climate Scientist James Hansen.  Next to the bodies was a sizeable pile of coal.

“We think they were trying to use the coal as a last ditch effort to warm themselves.”

Also recovered was Mr. Gore’s laptop.  Analysis of the computer reveals that in the days before his death Gore had visited many carbon credit websites.  Scientists are still debating exactly what a carbon credit is but many theorize it was either a religious talisman or a Japanese porn star.

In Gore’s hand scientists found a piece of paper with the following written on it:

I believe in global warming

I believe in carbon credits - the only way to prevent global warming

Those who do not buy carbon credits will be judged by the living and the dead

I believe in rising sea levels and the drowning of polar bears

Amen.  Please donate to one of my carbon credit foundations.

“We believe it was a prayer of some sort and have dubbed it the ‘global warming creed.’   Ironically if they had only used a diesel-powered snow blower they would have all survived.”

In related news Tennessee has announced that its economy has grown for a record 60th quarter in a row, due largely to the influx of skiers during the winter months.

“Global cooling has been a boon to our economy” said Tennessee’s Governor.