Manhattan Infidel

With President Obama’s State Dinner crashed by Tareq and Michaele Salahi attention has been drawn to security procedures at the White House.

While the Secret Service insists that at no time was President Obama in any danger they are in the process of overhauling basic security procedures to make sure that an incident like this does not happen again.

The first thing that  the Secret Service plans to do is take down the sign at the White House that says “This Way in for Gate Crashers.  Seriously.  Just Wear a Tux No One Will Question You.”

“We now realize that maybe that sign wasn’t a good  idea.  None of us are professional security you know.  Many of us are just waiting to get our own reality TV shows” said a Secret Service agent.  “I used to work at Denny’s until I answered an ad in Craigslist for security at the White House.  My Supervisor used to be in the Rolling Stones in the early ’70s.  I don’t remember which one he was though.  Not Brian Jones.  He’s dead I think.”

Another change will be metal detectors at the White House.

“We actually don’t have any.  Our budget is small and we haven’t received any stimulus  money.  So in place of metal detectors we put up some bronze detectors.  All we got were some Mycenaeans in togas who told us their Gods were vengeful.  We told them they haven’t seen vengeful until they’ve worked for Michelle Obama.”

Also to be eliminated is the Top Secret underground tunnel that leads from the White House to the nearest Burger King.

“That was put in place during the Clinton Administration.  We have no need for it anymore.  It’s expensive to maintain and we keep finding Palestinians in the tunnel.  When we ask them why they tell us ‘because it’s a tunnel and we though this was Jerusalem.’ ”

A new system of color-coordinated badges will also be implemented.  Those with blue badges will be deemed to be friends of the President and given access to the entire White House.  Those with red badges will be deemed enemies of the President and not allowed in the White House.

“The red badges will be given to Fox News reporters and Screech from ‘Saved by the Bell.’  The President just finds him annoying.”

But perhaps the biggest change will be the status of the Vice President.

“Apparently the Constitution makes him first in line of succession so he keeps showing up at the White House expecting to do something important.  He’s annoying.  He keeps tripping over the furniture and calling the President ‘Mr. Roosevelt.’  From now on he will be confined to the basement.  We will give him some cookies and let him pet the President’s dog.  That should satisfy him.”

The changes will take effect in time for the next state dinner for Tim Robbins and Susan Sarandon.

When Tiger Woods crashed his car into a tree on his neighbor’s property many fans were shocked.  However, to golf insiders this is only the latest example of their sport’s dark side.

“Golf has a reputation as an All-American sport that has avoided many of the scandals that have plagued other sports” says  an insider at the PGA.  “Yet what most people do not know is that the majority of golfers are in fact Satanists.”

Indeed from its very beginnings golf has been plagued by not only Satanists but drug addiction and sexual misconduct.  There are many theories as to why this is but experts point to the fact that Golf was invented by the Scottish.

“Invented in Scotland.  ‘Nuff said” explains the PGA insider.  “How can it not be a cesspool of immorality?  If only Golf was invented by a purer race like the Albanians, the Estonians or someone from Oregon.”

There are many examples of Golf’s dark history that have heretofore been kept from the public.  Ben Hogan used to sacrifice chickens before tournaments and smear their blood on his genitals.

“He believed that chicken blood made him invincible.”

Arnold Palmer was a cannibal who used to trap and consume those golfers he felt threatened his supremacy.

“Palmer must have killed at least two dozen golfers before he tried to eat Jack Nicklaus but Nicklaus was too salty.  He ended up spitting out that chubby boy.”

Payne Stewart was known to travel with a collection of groupies that would rival Menudo.

“His orgies were notorious.  He used to say that the chicks dug his knickers, socks and  tam o-shanter on his  head.  I once heard him yell ‘fire in the hole’ so I rushed into his hotel room thinking he was in trouble. I found him with eight groupies performing a sex act I thought gravity made impossible.”

It is rumored that Payne’s untimely death was the result of Tiger Wood’s jealousy at his sexual exploits.

After Payne died Woods took over as the PGAs alpha sexual freak.

“That car crash was going to happen.  It’s only a matter of time before his wife found out about the 622 girls between the ages of 18 and 21 he keeps on his payroll. They’re officially secretaries but why does he insist they all wear french maid outfits and call him ‘Big Daddy?’  And I don’t even want to get into his use of HGH.  Tiger was only 4 feet 11 before he started injecting himself with that stuff.”

In any event the coming Golf scandal could seriously tarnish the game’s image.

“This is so bad it’s going to make Golf look as clean as competitive eating or baseball.”