Manhattan Infidel

Oprah Winfrey has announced that in 2011 she will step down from her popular talk show to concentrate on “using my Divine powers to rule the universe and make it bend to my will.”

In a press conference attended by various angels and archangels Oprah said it was time for a change.

“I’ve been thinking about this for awhile now.  My talk show, while enjoyable, pales next to the fact that as The Divine Being, I have more important things to take care of.”

Miss Winfrey then detailed her history of Divinity.

“My fans kept telling me I was Divine.  I demurred because there is only one Divine, and that’s the Divine Miss M, Bette Midler herself.   But one day I was having a fight with that bitch Phil Donahue.  I kept telling him there can only be one talk show in Chicago.  I was thinking really bad things about the man and suddenly he started to choke.  He kept saying ’stop it……I can’t breathe.’  It was at that  moment I realized that I was omnipotent.  I stretched out my hand and  said ‘Bow to my will white man!’ He was lifted up to the ceiling.  I then turned him into a jack-in-the-box and sent him into the cornfield.  Since that moment I have honed my powers.”

Miss Winfrey was asked about the changes she intends to make in the Universe.

“There are many things I do not like and will do away with.  Other talk shows.  Free will.  Lake Michigan.  February.  Cheese-Its.  The letter “T”.  Worms. That Stedman fellow.  The guy from the cable company who said he’d be at my house at 11:00 but showed up at 12:30. The Andromeda Galaxy.  Reruns of  CSI: Miami.  Photosynthesis.  Exoskeletons.  The 13th Century.  Math.  These will all disappear or suffer my wrath.  What’s the  point in being omnipotent if people don’t fear you?”

The first sign of the new order was the mysterious deaths of all talk show hosts in America.  Jay Leno’s head was found attached to Disneyland’s gates and his limbs strewn across the four corners of the globe. Jimmy Kimmel was mixed with copper and tin, baked to 1000 degrees and turned into bronze.  Conan O’Brien’s pubic hair was made redder.  He later killed himself. Craig Ferguson became an olive plant.  Alone of all talk show hosts Jimmy Fallon was untouched.

“He’s no threat to me.  I have plans for  him” said Oprah.

The Divine Oprah then ended her press conference by giving new cars to all reporters.

With Thanksgiving yet again upon us millions of  Americans with carbon footprints that are too large will get into fuel-consuming cars and planes to eat slaughtered animals.

“This so-called Holiday is not a holiday for native Americans” said Joseph Wheeler, author of the book “Thanksgiving is Bad and I’m Smarter Than You.”

“It is a perverse holiday that celebrates the destruction of an indigenous small carbon footprint, vegetarian society.  Oh sure sometimes they would burn down entire sections of virgin rainforest but not being Europeans their actions must have had pure motives.”

Wheeler is not alone in his criticism of Thanksgiving.  From his home in Tennessee Al Gore released a statement that said “We are experiencing a crisis in the world.  Sea levels are rising.  Species are on the verge of extinction.  My new TV channel is doing badly in the ratings.  Americans continue to ignore all this to travel hundreds of miles to eat turkeys.”

The Turkey Liberation Front, Citizens for Free Range Turkeys, The Turkey Republican Army, Vegetarians for Turkey Rights and Barney Frank have all come out favoring the abolition of Thanksgiving and the replacement of it with a more suitable, modern holiday.

Among the suggestions to replace Thanksgiving are moving Kwanzaa up a month and celebrating it in November.

“It’s tough enough getting Americans to notice Kwanzaa because it falls around the time Americans celebrate those Jewish holidays of Christmas and Hanukkah.  It would make more sense to ban Thanksgiving and move Kwanzaa to a time where it won’t have to compete with those Eurocentric holidays” said Wheeler.

Another suggestion is outlawing Thanksgiving, Hanukkah and Christmas and replacing them with one holiday that celebrates native American culture while adding a penance ceremony. The new proposed holiday called “Repent Eat Vegetarian Low Carbon Footprint Native American Celebration Day” would start out with a recitation of historical grievances against European culture.  At the end of the recitation those in attendance would take off their shoes and burn them to symbolize a commitment to reducing carbon emissions.  A vegetarian meal would then be served on paper plates.   Americans would also be banned from traveling more than a quarter mile to celebrate the proposed holiday thereby reducing greenhouse emissions.  There is significant support for the new holiday in Congress and a bill is expected to be introduced in January formalizing the new tradition.

In a related note at the White House today President Obama, in a ceremony that dates back to President Truman, pardoned the White House turkey and wished it a “free, happy, long life without interference by Humankind.” 

The pardoned turkey was then run over by a car as it tried to cross Pennsylvania Avenue.

“You see, this is why we have to ban the internal combustion engine” a distraught Obama told reporters.

In a stunning admission of past faults, Paul McCartney has apologized to fans, friends and music lovers everywhere for the mullet he wore after the Beatles breakup.

“What is there to say.  The Beatles had just broken up.  I was hurting and decided to cut off the symbol of that band - the hair.  But I had just started Wings and wanted to save on costs so I had them cut only the bangs.  For this I am truly, truly sorry.  I just took a look at some photos of myself from that time period and I feel deep shame for my actions.  While this is no excuse I hope fans will understand.  Also, I was smoking a ton of pot back then” said Sir Paul.

The Center for Mullet Studies lauds Sir Paul’s brave decision to acknowledge his mullet past.

“We have found a direct correlation between mullets and evil” said a spokesman for the Center.  “The more mullets being worn the more evil in the world.  Who knows.  The Vietnam war may have ended sooner if not for McCartney’s mullet.  Watergate may never have happened except for McCartney’s mullet.  The killing fields of Cambodia may never have happened except for McCartney’s  mullet.  Abe Vigoda leaving Barney Miller may never have happened except for McCartney’s mullet.  Cause and effect.  Jung called it synchronicity.”

The natural destructiveness of the mullet, combined with marijuana intake can lead to disastrous consequences.  Mathematicians have recently postulated a theorem called “Mullet (marijuana) cosine fallacy” which states that the presence of one is not in itself automatically harmful but when combined the effects can be Earth-shattering.

“An iceberg has been unfairly blamed  but it’s safe to say that someone on the Titanic was a mullet-wearing pot smoker.”

People are advised that if they see anyone sporting a mullet to report them to local authorities.

“Just look at all the evil in the world that could be eliminated if we get rid of mullets.  Rape, murder, famine, pestilence.  The View, Ward Churchill, Oregon.  Global warming, cancer, the Philadelphia Phillies bullpen.  The list is endless.  And mullets are responsible.”

Sir Paul McCartney has announced plans for a mullet apology tour to promote his single, “Mullett Through Me” which is due to be released in February.

The Department of Homeland Security has upgraded its threat assessment level, citing an alarming rise in extremism among turkeys.  “Frankly we are very worried that an incident may happen” said Janet Napolitano, Department Secretary.

With the Thanksgiving Holiday approaching, Department officials are worried about increasing reports of wild turkeys congregating on street corners.

“Many of them just have an evil look about them.  Some even have been seen carrying around copies of the Koran.”

The turkeys have apparently become radicalized.  Exactly how or when this started happening no one has been able to determine.  But one thing is clear:  Turkeys now want to kill us.

“This is our greatest fear.  Formerly peaceful, productive turkeys who cared about nothing except their next meal now view themselves as being at war with our way of life.”

Perhaps this is best exemplified by the recent spate of attacks in New Jersey.  James R. was walking home from work when he encountered a group of radicalized turkeys.

“I saw maybe eight or nine together talking and looking at me.  At first I thought they might be Irish so I was a little worried.  But as I got closer I saw they were turkeys.  I have always liked turkeys.  Some of my best friends eat turkeys.  My supervisor is a turkey.  So I figured they’d just let me pass.”

But it was not to be.  James quickly found himself surrounded by angry turkeys.  They forcibly held him down and beat him unconscious with their feathers.  James awoke with a note pinned to his jacket that read “This is in retaliation for chopping my brother’s head off, gutting him and shoving dressing inside him.  Turkey Akbar!  Oh, and your cranberry sauce sucks.”

A group calling itself the “Turkey Liberation Front” has claimed responsibility for the attack.

“We will continue our war of turkey liberation against the infidel meat-eating Americans.  No one will be safe.  When you sit down to Thanksgiving dinner remember this - what you are about to eat may be a suicide turkey bomber.”

The Turkey Liberation Front also promised to capture John Madden and try him for crimes against turkeys.

“Every year Madden, in an unspeakable atrocity, chooses one of our turkey brothers and glues extra legs onto him.  He does this for sport.  The war criminal Madden will pay for this dearly!”

The Department of Homeland Security, in conjunction with the Obama Administration and NBC, are advising Americans to forgo traditional thanksgiving meals in favor of green, vegetarian fare.

“Our latest intelligence shows that vegetables are still our friends.  Be safe. Eat peas” said Napolitano.

780 A.D. (or is that C.E.?)

From their Norse homeland came word that the Vikings, worried about the Earth’s declining resources and the scourge of climate change have decided that in the future pillaging will be strictly limited.

“I had just burned an entire village to the ground” says the Viking Ivar the Boneless. “And don’t get me wrong.  I enjoy my work.  But I kept hearing the words of the prophet Al Gorethorson ringing in my ears.  He tells us that the Earth’s climate is changing. Our way of life is in danger.  And who am I to question a prophet.”

Ivar the Boneless is not alone.  Many Vikings are abandoning or at least modifying their traditional ways. Ragnor Lodbruk had just finished destroying a village when the prophet Al Gorethorson paid him a visit in a dream.

“He showed me some scrolls with drawings on them.  He called it a multimedia presentation.  He said that the drawings proved that my pillaging was causing sea levels to rise and if I did not stop my hometown would be under water.”

Lodbruk immediately awoke, ordered his men to repair the town and went to the nearest church to buy what he calls a “carbon credit.”

“The prophet explained it to me in the dream.  Buying this credit would grant me an indulgence and free me from my environmental sins and any temporal punishment.”

Among other changes in Viking lifestyle is a change in diet.  Many Vikings are abandoning meat and adopting a strict vegetarian diet.

“It’s not the same really, sitting down to a meal of vegetables and green things but it was explained to me that this new diet would lower my cholesterol level and my chance of developing certain cancers.  And I’d be less warlike as a result which I’ve been told is a good thing” says Ingvar the Far-Traveled. “It seems to be working.  I don’t feel like pillaging anymore.  All I want to do is talk about my feelings and have a good cry.  I cry a lot now.  I cry about our culture’s wastefulness. I cry about rising sea levels. I cry about my treatment of native Norsepeople.  I cry about the lack of opportunity for women to advance in our male-dominated war-like Viking culture.”

Ingvar has set up a shrine to the prophet Al Gorethorson in his home.

Still, some Vikings remain unconvinced about the truth of climate change and have paid for their apostasy.  Many of them have been shunned by elite Viking society. Their numbers however, are dwindling in the face of Al Gorethorson’s scientific data.

“I’ve taken his words to heart and am trying to reduce my carbon footprint.  I have ordered all my warriors to do the same.  It may destroy our economy and way of life but what does that mean in the face of environmental catastrophe” says Ivar the Boneless.

Fresh off the departure of Anita Dunn the White House has announced that RoboCop will be their new Communications Director.

“We needed someone who had experience dealing with the public as well as someone with a strong message.  RoboCop fulfills both these needs” said Press Secretary Robert Gibbs.

RoboCop was then introduced.  Stepping to the podium RoboCop thanked President Obama for showing faith in him.

“I have four directives.  Serve the public interest.  Protect the innocent.  Uphold the law.  Defend President Obama at all costs.”

There were murmurs from the press when the four directives were announced.  Many wondered if the first and fourth directives were mutually incompatible.  Major Garrett, Fox News White House correspondent asked RoboCop about this.

“You say that one of your directives is to serve the public interest.  Yet you also say that another directive of yours is to defend President Obama.  Don’t you think these two are in conflict with each other?  The public interest will not always be served by defending President Obama, or any President for that matter at, and I quote you, ‘all costs.’ “

The room became tense as RoboCop pulled his gun from his holster and aimed it at Garrett.

“Your move punk” said RoboCop.  Garrett tried to make a run for it but was shot in the groin.  “Thank you for your cooperation” RoboCop announced after shooting him.

Jake Tapper, ABC’s White House Correspondent was next.  He nervously asked RoboCop exactly what defending the President at all costs means.

“I am authorized to use physical force if necessary to defend the President” answered RoboCop.  He then told Tapper that his programming had identified him as a risk to Obama.  “Come quietly or there will be trouble”  he said before beating Tapper unconscious.

RoboCop was asked if he had a message for any kids who were watching.

“Stay out of trouble.  Pledge to be a servant to the President.”

The press conference broke up as RoboCop left the podium.  “Excuse me.  I have to go.  Somewhere there is disrespect to the President being committed” he said.

Press Secretary Gibbs, grinning from ear to ear said “I love this guy.  I wish I had a dozen of him!”

Maxie a four-year old German Shepard in the  prime of his dog life invaded Poland, wreaking havoc, killing wildlife, destroying farmland and, in violation of all Geneva Convention protocols,  impregnating the local dog population.

Maxie’s invasion of Poland began shortly before 4:40 AM when he entered the town of Weilun.

“We awoke to growling.  I looked out my window and saw a German Sheperd rounding up the villagers.  He had them confined to the village square.  If anyone tried to escape he barked at them” said a terrified villager.

Indeed, Maxie would use his prominent teeth to scare people while in a menacing manner barking at them.

“Woof, woof, woof. It’s all I hear.  I’m scared.  My children are crying.  Is there nothing that will stop the insatiable German lust for world domination?” asked a villager who was bitten by Maxie.

Using his natural traits of self-assurance and aggressiveness Maxie bit and barked his way forward to the town of Lwow along the way digging up farmland, defecating on private property and rounding up local bitches, mounting them in full view of outraged locals.  The Polish underground vowed retaliation.  “We will find the bitches who allowed themselves to become impregnated by this German Sheperd and we will cut out their fetuses.”

The Dogkrieg showed no signs of abetting.  Panicked civilians clogged roads lowering morale among NATO troops.  From Brussels, Belgium NATO Secretary General Anders Fogh Rasmussen declared the organization helpless in the face of the ruthless German advance.

“What can we do?  Our Council is helplessly divided.  Some want to sue for peace.  If only we had an American Dog Shield Defense System!”

Two days after the invasion Maxie had penetrated as far as the Narew River leaving behind shattered lives, scattered garbage, impregnated females and feces.

In New York the UN General Assembly passed a nonbinding resolution calling Maxie a “bad, bad doggie” and requested that he return to his preinvasion territory.

Maxie showed no sign of obeying pushing farther into Poland approaching the Bug River and threatening Warsaw.

Poland looked anxiously to Moscow, hoping they would keep neutral.  Despite Poland’s hopes, many German Sheperds in Russia were seen heading towards the border ready to join up with Maxie.

President Obama issued a statement saying that he is keeping an eye on the situation and trusts that a resolution will be forthcoming.

Maxie is rumored to be entering Warsaw.

“I guess we are on our own” said the leader of the Polish resistance.

Police today responded to a report of a cake deliberately left out in the rain.

“We received a call stating that what appeared to be a cake had been left out in the rain” said Detective James MacArthur.  “Naturally we were a little suspicious of the call.  After all, why would a cake be left out in the rain?  So we at first operated under the assumption that it was a bomb disguised as a cake.  Or maybe it was Verne Troyer, the delightfully zany ‘mini me’ from the Austin Powers movies disguised as a cake.  It could have been a quark, that fundamental constituent of matter.  Though why a quark would be disguised as a cake I don’t want to speculate.  It might have been a pie disguised as a cake.  But the bottom line is something was disguised as a cake and we had to be careful.”

The bomb squad approached gingerly, aware that the cake might explode at any moment.

“As we got closer and got a better look at the so-called cake my mind just could not take it.  It looked like it took a long time to bake it.  I hope whomever baked it wrote down the instructions because they might not have that recipe again.”

The area surrounding the cake was cordoned off.

“There were some old men playing chess by the trees that at first refused to leave.  But when we told them about the cake they became concerned and vacated the area.  There was a yellow cotton dress foaming like a wave on the ground around our knees.  We were concerned that it might be a decoy so snipers took the dress out.”

Because of the rain police had to act quickly to secure the cake.  A plastic tarp was placed over the cake, neutralizing the rain.  The cake was then transported to an FBI crime lab for analysis.

“We’ve run several tests on this so-called cake.  Spectral analysis.  Chemical analysis.  We even brought in Celine Dion to sing to the cake but so far nothing.  The cake has not revealed anything other than a certain chocolatey goodness.  Whomever designed this instrument of destruction certainly knew what they were doing.”

Sources close to the investigation say they haven’t seen a deception so convincing since William Faulkner, who upon his death was revealed to be a bag of wet cement.

The cake was charged with terrorism offenses under the Patriot Act and transported to a  maximum security facility.

Citizens have been advised that if they spot any other cakes left out in the rain not to approach under any circumstance but immediately call 911.

Al Queda took responsibility for the cake and issued a statement that read “You foolish Americans.  Do you not realize that we love death more than you love cake?  Your civilization will fall.  Well, maybe not a quickly as the New York Mets but it will fall nevertheless.”

December 7th 1941:

The Japanese today launched a devastating attack against the Navy at Pearl Harbor in Hawaii.  First reports indicate that many battleships have been sunk and that lives of American servicemen have been lost.

President Roosevelt was told of the attack shortly before a scheduled meeting with representatives of Indian tribes.  Roosevelt opened the meeting by thanking the assembled tribal leaders, calling them “the original Americans whose land was cruelly taken from them by invading Europeans.”‘

“I would like to just take this moment to thank all the leaders of Indian nations that are assembled here today.  You have lead difficult lives.  Your land was taken from you.  Today many of you are marginalized.  Let me say that as long as I am President of the United States, Indians will have a friend in me.  I too know what it is to be ignored and marginalized.  Imagine for a moment living in Teddy Roosevelt’s shadow.”

President Roosevelt then addressed the incident at Pearl Harbor.

“As some of you know doubt have heard there has been a disturbance at our Naval facility in Pearl Harbor Hawaii.  It appears, and I want to stress that these are just preliminary reports, that airplanes belonging to Japan have dropped bombs on the base.  Whether it was an accident we do not know as of yet.”

FDR continued, warming to his subject.

“Until all the facts are in I want to ask Americans not to rush to  judgment.  We do not know what the motives of the Japanese Government were.  And frankly I find it hard to believe that a peoples of color, a peoples of peace like the Japanese would resort to such a violent act.  There must be extenuating circumstances that we as of now are unaware of.  I have ordered my Secretary of State Cordell Hull to fly to Japan and open a dialogue with Emperor Hirohito.”

President Roosevelt talked about the history between the two nations.

“It must be remembered that Japan has legitimate grievances against the West.  Too often in the past the United States has acted arrogantly towards that nation.  We have restricted their immigration to this country.  We have, in a shameful moment of diplomacy, limited the number and size of their battleships.  It is time for this country to do better.”

He also reminded Americans of the many contributions the Japanese have made.

“The Declaration of Independence was written by a Japanese man.  The 13th amendment to our Constitution was passed by a largely Japanese Congress.  The first man to fly solo across the Atlantic was of Japanese descent.”

FDR closed his press conference by asking all Americans to reach out to their Japanese neighbors.   He also announced that December 8th will be a national day of prayer and forgiveness.

“My only hope, as a citizen of the World, is that we can understand each other better.”

Husan Abdul Tariq used to love listening to music on his iPhone.  Then Al Quaeda cracked down.

“Our ringtones now have to be a muslim cleric reading a verse from the Koran” complains Tariq.  “F—–g sucks if you ask me.  I just want to kill westerners and listen to Rock and Roll.”

Ali Mahamed Yusof was sentenced to 25 lashes when Al Qaeda found him singing along to the popular 1970s hit “Convoy” on his iPhone.

The previous two examples highlight a growing problem for Al Qaeda in the battlefields of Afghanistan:  How to prevent western influences from corrupting their fighters.

The CIA conducted a month-long study and what they found surprised them.

“We discovered that 95% of the fighters in Afghanistan had Paul McCartney and Wings on their iPhones. More specifically the Back to the Egg CD, which in the official opinion of the CIA has always been under appreciated.  Before we did this research we just assumed that the Wu Tang Clan or the Black Eyed Peas would be the top musical favorites with the rebel fighters” said CIA Director Leon Panetta.

The CIA immediately put this new information to their benefit and programmed predator drones to zero in on the sound of Paul McCartney and Wings.

“This strategy worked well for the most part.  We did take out hundreds of Al Qaeda though we did end up killing a 43-year old mother of two in Ho-Ho-Kus New Jersey who liked to listen to Wings while doing her laundry.   We also killed former Wings members Laurence Juber and Steve Holly who were onstage at a ’70s music festival in Ohio.”

The CIA even went as far as shipping thousands of copies of the Koran to Afghanistan with the verses replaced by lyrics from songs on the Back to the Egg CD.

“They never knew what hit them” said Panetta.  “Once they started morning prayers with ‘Say you don’t love me my salamander’ the drones would come in and before you could say ‘cattle watch out for snipers’ they were toast.”

Al Qaeda responded by burning pictures of Wings in effigy.  They also banned all salamanders from Afghanistan.  Any salamander caught would be beheaded.  Al Qaeda’s war against the salamander worked until PETA members showed up in Afghanistan and started using their bodies as human shields to protect them.

The CIA is confident that their strategy of targeting Paul McCartney and Wings will lead to victory.

“The only thing that can stop us now is if the enemy started listening to John Lennon instead” said Panetta.

Paul McCartney could not be reached for comment.