Manhattan Infidel

In a stunning turn of events, President Obama’s newly appointed Pay Czar Ken Feinberg was forced to abdicate his position and later was kidnapped by Bolsheviks.

Shortly before 10 A.M. Feinberg, disheartened by the progress of the War in Afghanistan and realizing that his position had become politically untenable, abdicated as the United States’ Pay Czar.  He first attempted to abdicate in favor of his brother who refused the position, leaving America driftless, Pay Czarless for the first time in almost a week.

After resigning Feinberg attempted to flee Washington D.C., fearing turmoil in the streets.  He disguised himself as Santa Claus and got as far as Philadelphia where he was set upon by enraged faction of Anti-Santa locals shouting “kill St. Nick!”

Afraid for his life he blurted out “I am not Santa I am the former Pay Czar”  whereupon he was arrested by a local Bolshevik cell.  He was last seen being placed into the back of a car that was driven away.

An intensive search was started to find Feinberg.  President Obama vowed to make finding his Pay Czar his top priority as soon as he is finished “saying bad things about Fox News.”

An hour later the search for America’s missing Pay Czar came to an end when the following telegram was sent to the White House:

“Pay Czar Feinberg has been executed in the name of the People’s Revolution.  He was just the first.  We intend to kidnap the rest of President Obama’s Czars and execute them.  Then we are going after Yakov Smirnoff.  And, if we have time, maybe the Dave Matthews Band.  And Ringo.  We don’t like him either.”

From the White House President Obama announced that he would be placing all his Czars under protective custody, “especially that pussy Cameron Davis, my Great Lakes Czar.  Yeah, I have a Great Lakes Czar.  Go figure.  When the Hell did that happen?  I like chocolate cookies.  Pop tarts too.”

Ironically after the kidnapping Feinberg, who had just announced pay cuts for top executives, was stricken from the White House Payroll.

With the imminent release of the movie 2012, which purports to show the fullfillment of Mayan prophesy regarding the end of the World, attention has been drawn to what else the Mayans may have warned us about.

In the remains of a holy Mayan temple researchers found an ancient Mayan scroll filled with prophesies and portents.

“When you hold the scroll in your hands you immediately think of Nostrodamus.  The Mayans it can be said were seers like him but without the gout.  And they were cleaner.  And probably better at soccer.  I don’t think they would have liked Jerry Lewis either” said an archeologist.

Among the many surprises archeologists studying the scroll have found is the phrase, “New Coke will bomb!”  written over and over again.

“The Mayans clearly saw the danger of tampering with the formula of a popular soft drink” said a Professor of Archeology.  And that is only one of the many surprises that astonish those studying the scroll.

The Mayans were obsessed with order and continuity.  Nowhere is this more clearly seen than in the words “First they kill Bobby Ewing and then a year later he comes out of the shower?  Yeah right!”  which appear at the beginning of the 3rd book of the scroll.

The Mayans had a richly musical culture.  In the second book of the scroll they warn about the danger of taking music for granted:  “And beware a quartet from across the water will make great music and the world will want to hold their hand.  But the two leaders will stop speaking to each other and form new bands with their wives.  Shit will hit fan.” 

In a similar vein one finds the following prophesy: “Two brothers name Van will form a band.  They will fire their lead singer nameth David and replace him with a man who cannot drive 55.  What were they thinking?”

Some of the prophesies were startling in their directness:  “Do not let Chevy Chase nor Joe Buck have their own talk shows.  I mean……damn!” and “Manny Rodriguez’s  testicles will stop producing testosterone.  Blame the dreadlocks.”

As to how the Mayans were able to produce such visions no one seems to know for sure though a notation on one scroll may offer a clue:  “Ran out of weed dude.  Have to go buy some more.”

No matter how they did it Mayan civilization was doomed.  Shortly after predicting the end of the world the Mayan Empire vanished with the last words of the last book of the scroll:

“The World will end in 2012.   Bud Light is crap.”

A controversial new study has found that America does not in fact turn its lonely eyes to Yankee great Joe DiMaggio.  The Center for Simon and Garfunkel Appreciation, located in Long Beach, Long Island funded the search.

“Times are tough out there.  The Nation is in deep turmoil.  What better way we thought to make America happy again than to point out the many benefits of Simon and Garfunkel” declared the Director of the Center.

In conjunction with People for the Ethical Treatment of ’60s Rock Stars, The Center for Simon and Garfunkel Appreciation conducted a week long survey.  The survey had one question:  Who does this lonely nation turn its eyes to?

“We obviously were expecting America to say  Joe DiMaggio.  He was the greatest player of the 20th Century.  Hell, he hit 361 home runs but only struck out 369 times.  That’s greatness!  We were shocked when not only did he not place first he didn’t even make the top five.”

Instead the survey placed Megan Fox in first place followed by Albert Einstein, George Washington, “that tramp in homeroom who kept teasing you but wouldn’t put out” and mass murderer Ted Bundy.  “That one surprised us” admits the Director.

Joe DiMaggio placed no. 25 behind “Marvelous Marv” Throneberry.

“I’ve spent my entire life believing in the wisdom of Paul Simon. I have a book of all his lyrics I carry around.  It was my bible.  Now I find out he’s lied?  Now I find out he’s been misleading Americans for over 40 years?  I’ve lost my faith.”

It was at this point that he pulled out a pistol from his desk.

“At first I thought I could live with just drawing moustaches and toupees on the Paul Simon photos I have but then I realized….if he’s lied to us what is the point of anything?  What is the point of love?  What good does the  touch of a woman do?  Why go home to my wife? Paul Simon can go to Hell.  And that bastard Garfunkel too!  It’s all meaningless!  There is no God!”

He put the pistol to his head.

“You better leave now.  You don’t want to see this.”

I heard the shot as I closed the door.

Following the deaths of three runners in the 32nd annual Detroit Marathon autopsies were performed to determine the cause of death.

“Naturally anytime someone dies in the City of Detroit we consider it a tragedy” said Mayor Dave Bing shortly before he was shot by stray gunfire.

The first autopsy was performed on Daniel Langdon who was 36.

“We found that he was for the most part in good shape as befits a runner.  But upon further examination we did find 10 bullet wounds and 36 stab wounds on his body.  We are classifying it as death by heart attack with the heart attack brought on from the 10 bullet wounds and 36 stab wounds” said Detroit’s medical examiner.

The second autopsy was performed on  Rick Brown who was 65.

“Well, what can I say.  If a senior citizen is dumb enough to go out onto our streets then he deserves whatever happens.   We did find that his throat had been sliced from ear to ear and ‘Death to the man’ carved into his forehead. Obviously he died of a stroke brought on by high cholesterol and lacerations to the throat.”

A third autopsy was performed on Jon Fenlon, 26.

“He was apparently set on fire and died of third degree burns over his entire body.  We are classifying it as death by natural causes.  This is Detroit you know.”

This year’s deaths highlight the continuing problem of security at the Detroit Marathon.  From his hospital bed where he was recovering from his accidental shooting Mayor Bing complained of the slanted press coverage of the deaths.

“Come on.  We only had 3 die this year.  That’s a record low.  People outside of Detroit don’t understand that we pride ourselves on being different.  The Boston Marathon has the tradition and the New York City Marathon has the glamor but here in Detroit we have a little something called ‘toughness.’ “

He then went on to outline the many things that make Detroit’s Marathon different from the burning cars in the middle of the street to buildings collapsing onto the course.

“It’s the perfect cardio workout.  You’re jogging which is good for the heart and you are also working an obstacle course.  I say just try and find a tougher marathon than ours.”

When asked about the bullet wounds in the victims Mayor Bing responded, “Hey give me a break.  It’s not like they are standing still. The marathoners are moving.  They should be able to avoid any drive by shootings.  Duck and cover.  Duck and cover.  Standard operating procedure.”

Mayor Bing also announced that starting with next year’s marathon everyone who runs in it will be given a pamphlet entitled “So you’ve just been shot.  Now what?”

“We’re not heartless.  This isn’t Philadelphia” said Bing.

The Obama Administration today called out the school newspaper of James Buchanan Elementary School in Harrisburg Pennsylvania over what it called “biased and untrue” coverage.

The trouble began when the school newspaper ran a story last week entitled “Obama unfair to school kids: No more soda in the cafeteria.”

Upon  reading the article, President Obama accused the newspaper of “being more like talk radio.  They are presenting opinions not facts.” President Obama also called the 11-year old 5th grader, Mary Johnson, who wrote the article “the leader of the Republican Party.”

During a round of Sunday talk show appearances President Obama stepped up his attacks on Johnson and the school newspaper.

“The Republicans think they can send out their attack dogs like this Johnson fella….I think it’s a fella.  Is it a boy or a girl?  Well the Republicans think they can send out their attack dogs like this Johnson girl to spread lies about this administration.

“The Republicans have got to stop listening to this Johnson girl and move towards the center. I don’t know whether they want to do that.  They seem happy being lead by fringe elements like this school newspaper.”

He then announced that reporters from that newspaper will be barred from pool coverage of the White House and that he will seek to revoke their press credentials.

Presidential Press Secretary Robert Gibbs continued the attack during a briefing with reporters.  “I think she’s (Johnson) been dithering.  She’s taken her eye off what matters - getting good grades in Home Economics - and gone on a vicious and unwarranted attack against this administration.  The facts will come out and when they do she will be totally discredited.”

White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel announced that he will travel to Harrisburg where he intends to “cut off Mary Johnson’s pigtails and kick her in the shins a couple times.” 

Faced with continuing pressure the James Buchanan Elementary School announced that the school newspaper will be temporarily shut down while they reevaluate its editorial positions.  They also announced that Mary Johnson will have to stay after school for a week as punishment for her article.

President Obama professed the matter closed saying “I’m not losing any sleep over it.  Look, they clearly weren’t serving my administration.  And by not serving my administration they were not serving the needs of this country.”

Mary Johnson could not be reached for comment though friends say she is almost as upset as last spring when her cat died.

The State Department today issued an advisory warning all American men to avoid traveling in Canada, particularly if they are traveling alone.

“We have lately been getting disturbing reports of American men who have been abducted by Canadian woman.  These men are subjected to humiliating treatment.  But I should have expected no less from a country that gave us Canadian Rules Football” said a State Department Spokesman.

The trouble seems to relate to the Canadian Assisted Human Reproduction Act of 2004 which banned payment for sperm donors.  (”That’s just like a socialist - take away the profit motive” declared an outraged Donald Trump.)  Since the act was passed Canada has suffered from a sperm shortage of epidemic proportions.  Desperate Canadian women have taken to hanging out in known tourist destinations targeting American men.  The men are then brought to remote locations where their sperm is extracted.

“I was sitting in this bar having a few drinks when this woman approached me and asked me if I was an American.  When I said yes she hit me over the head.  I woke up in some warehouse naked and strapped to a table.  Some sort of suction or milking devices were attached to my nipples and my penis.  Hey, I’m into role play as much as the next man but these things stung.

“I asked the woman what she was after and she said she just wanted my sperm.  I asked her if that’s all she wanted why the clamps on my nipples.  She said it was in retaliation for always winning their Stanley Cup” said one unlucky American victim.

The Department of Homeland Security has raised the threat assessment level.  “The reality of sperm smuggling can no longer be ignored” said Department Head Janet Napolitano.   “If the Canadians continue to steal American sperm at these rates we will be out of sperm by 2013.  Once that happens there will be rioting in our cities, mass suicides and crime epidemics.  America will be in chaos.  Dave Matthews might even have another hit single.  Civilized people rise up in horror at that possibility.”

The Department of Defense has responded with “Operation badges…..We don’t need no stinking badges” where Mexican men are paid to donate their sperm which is then given to Canadian women in place of American sperm.  So far no Canadians have taken the offered Mexican sperm.  Said one woman, “We may be desperate but we still have our national pride.  Mexicans suck at hockey.”

In the meantime all American men who are traveling to Canada are advised to wear special “refrigerated undies” which are  kept at 32 degrees Fahrenheit in the hopes of reducing sperm count.

“It might be a little uncomfortable but we have to protect our precious dwindling resources” said Napolitano.

Apple Senior Vice President of iPhone Software Scott Forstall introduced the latest generation of iPhones and the many new apps that come with it.

“I awoke one morning and my iPhone was levitating over the bed” says Forstall.  “It was saying ‘I am iPhone.  You shall worship no other but me.’ It was then that I realized the true potential of the iPhone and the depth of its as yet untapped resources.”

The omnipotence of the iPhone is evident in its many new applications.  One  of the most promising is the “pizza” app.

“People are demanding.  It’s not enough to just have an app that’ll find pizza for you.  Our new app actually turns the iPhone into a delicious pizza that you can eat.  After digestion the iPhone is passed through the anus and becomes a phone again.  Now that’s progress!”

Another new application is the iPhone Eucharist app.

“I got the idea for this at an Apple Board meeting” says Forstall.   “Steve Jobs brought in his iPhone and then broke it into many pieces and passed it around the room saying ‘If anyone eat of this iPhone he shall live forever;  and the iPhone that I will give is my flesh for the life of the world.’ ”

There is already controversy regarding the Eucharist app as some (the transsubstevejobbers) believe the iPhone is transformed into Jobs’ body and blood while others (the consubstevejobbers) believe that Jobs’ body and blood exist alongside the iPhone.

But perhaps the most popular new applications are the Star Trek themed ones.

“I’m a big big fan of TOS” says Forstall, “particularly the ‘Mirror Mirror’ episode where Kirk is trapped in an alternate universe.  We’ve build some exciting new apps around that episode.”

The Agonizer is a new app where one can exert physical pain upon an enemy.  Forstall demonstrated it when an intern was too slow bringing his latte.  The intern collapsed on the floor screaming in pain.

“Think if it sort of like a taser but without the constitutional problems” said Forstall.

Also bundled in the iPhone is the Tantalus Field which allows iPhone owners to secretly monitor rivals and “eliminate” them.

“I’ve already used it this morning to eliminate other divisions within Apple” said Forstall.  “It’s a cool app.”

Forstall closed the press conference by predicting that the new iPhone will be the most exciting thing to happen to civilization since the release of the Sgt. Pepper CD.

“What do you mean Sgt. Pepper album? What the hell is an album?  Vinyl?  Don’t make me use  my agonizer on you!”

With the double murder trial of Bedrock resident Fred Flintstone now dragging on into its 3rd month tempers flared, lawyers were held in contempt and surprising new evidence was introduced.

The week started off with the judge and the prosecution getting into a shouting match that led to a contempt citation.  When the prosecution tried to introduce evidence that showed that murder rates are higher in neanderthal than cro-magnon neighborhoods the defense objected.

“I object your honor to the obvious racism of the prosecution.”

This caused the prosecution to call the defense team a “bunch of neanderthal trash” resulting in the defense lunging at the prosecution.  Blows were exchanged and order was not restored until the court officers maced both defense and prosecution.

Defendant Flintstone laughed and said “I should have used mace instead of a shotgun”.   The trial was put on hold as the judge interviewed each member of the jury whether they heard Flintstone’s comments.

The week ended with the defense attempting to introduce used condoms found in the Rubble residence.

“There was another man in the house that night besides the murder victim Rubble and the defendant Flintstone.  These condoms prove it since they do not fit my client.  Ladies and gentleman of the jury, if the condom doesn’t fit, you must acquit.”

With judge, jury, spectators and press watching with rapt attention, the defendant Flintstone was forced to put on the condoms.  Women spectators squealed in delight with several fainting while others asked if they could take the evidence home.  Flintstone himself did not appear embarrassed shouting “get a good look ladies - I’m gonna be acquited and then you can all have me.”

Flintstone’s  wheelchair bound ex-wife Wilma, the lone survivor of the shooting that left her lovers Barney and Betty Rubble dead shook her head in disgust.

“That’s just like Fred. Always wanting attention.”

The trial will continue next week with both sides set for closing arguments.

(To be continued)

“We did this for a show” said 6-year old Falcon Heene, outing his father’s latest publicity stunt.  But what most people do not realize is that publicity stunts have a long and respectable history going back to the beginning of time.

The first recorded publicity stunt was “The Big Bang.”

“I was just starting out in this business” says God, “and I had a lot of competition from other omnipotent beings.   I kept thinking what can I do to attract attention to myself.  Then it hit me - create the universe.  Boy were the other Gods jealous.”

God’s “Big Bang” did do much to increase his business.  But it also came with a price.

“What they don’t tell you in ‘publicity stunt’ school is that 99% of life is maintenance.” according to God.  “If you create something you’re responsible for maintaining it.  And it’s a damn headache let me tell you. I haven’t had a vacation in 3 trillion years.  I’m tired.  I’m thinking of selling the Universe, or at least outsourcing it to India.”

More recently the American Civil War was a failed publicity stunt.   P.G.T. Beauregard and Robert Anderson had just released a book entitled “I’m a little bit Country - He’s a little bit Rock and Roll.”  It was thought by the two of them that a faux battle would greatly increase demand for their book.  So they staged the Battle of Ft. Sumter.  After the war Beauregard got a job as a railroad executive, “How else does one follow up starting a war” and defended his role in the Civil War.

“C’mon.  Are people that naive?  Can’t they take a freaking joke?  I was just trying to sell a book.”

The entire Presidency of Warren G. Harding is another example of a publicity stunt.  According to recently released documents, Harding did not actually exist.  The role of Warren G. Harding was played by Hollywood actor Fatty Arbuckle.

“Arbuckle had written a screen play about an unknown from middle America with no legislative achievement whatsoever who, despite his flimsy record, runs on a platform of hope and change, getting himself elected President of the United States.  Arbuckle thought the Warren G. Harding thing would be a great publicity stunt.  It would have worked too but Arbuckle had a little bit of a problem with a dead girl and a coca cola bottle at a party.”

The attack on Pearl Harbor is considered one of the most notorious failed publicity stunts of all time.

“Hirohito was looking for a way to break into Hollywood.  He wanted to be the next Bing Crosby.  Hirohito and several Hollywood producers who had investments in the Far East concocted the scheme to bomb Pearl Harbor.  They wanted something so outrageous people would talk about it for decades.  They hired top notch special effects people to make it look realistic.   Unfortunately it was decided to use real bombs since they are cheaper.”

After the surrender Samuel Goldwyn told a reporter, “War is always fun until somebody gets hurt.”

No word yet on who will play Falcon Heene in the TV movie though it is rumored that Gary Coleman is interested and sees the role as part of comeback attempt.  Though the rumor could be just a publicity stunt.

The Grim Reaper today sued legendary Rolling Stones guitarist Keith Richards for breach of contract following Richards’ repeated refusals to admit that he is in fact dead.

“I’ve had it” said the Reaper.  “I can’t take it any more.  I’ve been chasing him around for 36 years now and he still refuses to admit he’s dead and that I can claim his soul.”

According to the Reaper, Richards died on the morning of December 20, 1973 after an evening of ingesting a potent mix of heroin, horse tranquilizers, quaaludes, cocaine, two quarts of vodka, the pineal gland of a virgin sacrificed just for him, a case of budweiser and a glass of Tang, “back when the astronauts still used it”. Richards did at the time admit that he was dead, telling the Reaper “Looks like you got me, mate” and promised to let the Reaper take him later that evening after Richards took care of some final business.

“Like the softy that I am I said yes” said the Grim Reaper.  “I mean, I love the Stones too.”

Only Richards did not show up later that evening.  “He stood me up.  You ever wonder why I’m the ‘Grim’ Reaper and not just the Reaper?  It’s because of clowns like this.  They make my life difficult.  I couldn’t go back to my boss without a dead person so I had to take Bobby Darin instead.  And it wasn’t even his time.  He wasn’t supposed to die until 2002 when Putin was going to poison him.  Why?  I don’t know and I don’t care.”

Instead the Grim Reaper has been reduced to following around the Stones trying to claim Richards.

“It’s humiliating.  I’m the Reaper, the harbinger of Death.  I used have my dignity.  But I’ve been reduced to waiting backstage with drug dealers, skanky groupies and that idiot Robin Leach who kept telling me  about ‘champagne wishes and caviar dreams.’ “

According to the lawsuit Richards’ refusal to accept death has lead to “loss of income and loss of face” for The Reaper.

“It just sets a bad example.  People see what Keith did and some are now refusing to die.  Do you know how long it took me to finally kill off Lou Albano?”

The Reaper says that he has was close to finally capturing Richards in 1994 when he cornered him in his  hotel room after an appearance on Saturday Night Live.

“He had a syringe in each arm and for some reason there was a duck-billed platypus in his hotel room and he was drinking platypus blood.  I was just about to grab him when Mick Jagger distracted me just long enough for Keith to escape.”

The Reaper’s lawsuit asks for unspecified damages and demands that Richards immediately stop “any and all respiratory activity and to proceed to decompose henceforth.”

Richards vows to fight the lawsuit, telling reporters “The Reaper is mistaken.  I ain’t dead mate.  You don’t do as much heroin and horse tranquilizers as I’ve done without building up an immunity.”