Manhattan Infidel

I sat down today for a conversation with Charlie Rangel (D-NY) on a wide-ranging series of topics.

My first question was “I know you are a movie buff.   What is your all-time favorite movie?”

Rangel’s eyes lit up.  “Papillon!  I love that movie.  I love Dustin Hoffman’s character, especially that part about how he hides his money from the man.  Why just last week I was in the Dominican Republic and they had a special showing of Papillon.   I was staying at my vacation villa, er, I mean I was staying in a hotel since I definitely do NOT own property in the Dominican Republic and the theatre was within walking distance so I went to see several showings.”

After answering my question Rangel got up and walked into his kitchen, making sure that the oven was not turned on.

“I was just checking.  I have a couple million in cash hidden in the oven, er, I mean I just wanted to check to make sure the oven wasn’t on.  I’m trying to keep down energy costs you see.”

The conversation returned to Papillon.

“I just love that movie.  The themes are timeless.  Self-preservation.  Injustice.  Man’s inhumanity to man.  Hiding your money up your ass.  Not that I hide my money mind you.  In fact I have sponsored legislation in Congress to punish tax cheats.”

Several pizzas were delivered.  Congressman Rangel offered me a couple slices.  As we ate Rangel talked about his new found love for pizza.

“I’ve been eating pizza and other low-fiber foods for awhile now.  Pizza, ice cream, potato chips.   It might not be healthy but they do tend to cause constipation.  And right now that’s in my best interest.”

I was slightly puzzled by this and asked him why?

“You’ve heard of the phrase ‘A run on the bank?’  Well, if I had a high-fiber diet there would definitely be a ‘run on the bank.’  Not that I’m implying that I have 1.3 million in income stored up my ass that I’ve hidden from the IRS.”

It was at this point that Congressman Rangel grabbed his stomach.

“Excuse me.  Just a little wave of nausea.  I don’t know how that could have happened.”

I mentioned that he looked a little stopped up so I had crushed a laxative and placed it in one of his slices of pizza.

“You what?  You fool!  You’ve ruined me!  You’ve ruined me!”

Congressman Rangel ran towards his bathroom.

“Get out!  Get out now” he shouted as he closed the door.

I had several more questions but Congressman Rangel seemed disinclined to continue the interview.  As I left his place I could hear him shouting “Call a plumber!  Stop the pipes!”

The Government-sponsored “Cash For Wives” program has been suspended because the program has run out of money.

“We obviously goofed.  We weren’t anticipating such a huge volume of men who wanted to trade their wives in for cash” declared the Acting Deputy Administrator of the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration.

“We had done such a good job with the ‘Cash for Clunkers’ program that the Administration decided to give us this program as well.  We had an initial budget of 2.5 billion but that was depleted within a week.  When we announced the program our website www.tradeinyourwife.com crashed.

A visit to an authorized trade-in dealer seemed to verify the claim that the program had run out of money and needed to be suspended.  A long line snaked around the block, filled with anxious men eager to trade in their wives. Many had brought their wives with them ready to seal the deal immediately.  When asked how they got their wives to come with them 99% of the men responded, “We lied.”  The most popular lie being “How’d you like a new pair of shoes” followed by “Oprah’s in town.  I have tickets.”

Many men seemed to misunderstand the program and asked if they could trade in their wife for a younger, “Megan Fox” type of model.  When told that all that the Government was authorized to do was give them cash for their wives the husbands, while disappointed at first, all took the money.  Many men did not even bother to haggle over a price but shouted “Just give me the cash.  Take my wife, please!”  Take my wife please was heard so many times that the Program was jokingly called the “Cash for Henny Youngman” Program.

The Government anticipates that the Program will help end the recession.

“Now that the husbands have traded in their wives they will be spending their time patronizing sporting events and strip clubs.  The influx of cash into the economy will be monumental.”

As for the newly traded-in wives the Government plans to stockpile most of them in a “Strategic Wife Reserve” deep in the Rocky Mountains.

“Hey, if we can do it for nuclear waste we can do it for wives” declared an official.