Manhattan Infidel

In the first of what I hope will be a continuing series of guest commentaries by people in various walks of life I am pleased to present a column by the Honorable Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton:

“I’d like thank the Manhattan Infidel for giving me this opportunity to set the record straight about certain falsehoods that have sprung up lately about me.

“First and foremost I’d like to say that I am in no way a ‘marginalized’ Secretary of State.  I am still an important and vital part of this Administration.  I have the full confidence of President Obama.  Why just the other day I was discussing with him how to bring peace to the Middle East and he said ‘That’s fascinating.  I appreciate and value your input.  How would you like to visit the Congo?’  Why else would he shuffle me off to some remote corner of the world away from the action unless he trusted me and knew that even 1000 miles away from Jerusalem I could still broker peace?

“And it’s not just the Middle East where I play a role.  While I was in the Congo President Obama called me and told me I was heading to Antarctica.  Permanently.  At first I was a little taken aback by this but he explained to me that I would not do much good in Washington but if I were to be based in Antarctica I would be able to use our military planes on that continent to fly to trouble spots  around the world at a moment’s notice.  Well, eventually.  First President Obama wants me to spend a month in Antarctica studying penguins and having my picture taken with them.  You see, our President cares about the environment and wildlife and is obviously concerned that the crisis of global warming is having a deleterious effect on penguins. 

“My husband Bill likes that I will be in the South Pole as well.  When I told him that I’d be stationed there he told me ‘I know.  I was the one who suggested it.’  I haven’t had a chance to talk to him since then as he had to celebrate his birthday for a couple of days.

“Secondly, President Obama will be sending me on an important peace mission.  I am pleased to announce that he has chosen me, not one of his so-called Czars, to travel to Deep Space Nine to negotiate between warring Cardassians and Bajorans.  I am not familiar with the conflict nor where Deep Space Nine is exactly but I assume it’s in Central Europe. You see, all  peoples of the world are important to this President.  When he called me up and told me that I’d be going to Deep Space Nine  to negotiate with someone called Gul Dukat he kept breaking into laughter.  Probably he was giddy at the thought of bringing peace to a war-torn region.

“Thirdly President Obama has informed me that as long as he is President of the United States I will be the guest of honor at the Macy’s Thanksgiving Parade as well as the Rose Bowl Parade.  He told me ‘I want to see my Secretary of State on television.’  He was laughing as he said this.  Again, probably because he was happy and justifiably proud at the thought that his Administration will be the first to have its cabinet members accessible to the public in such an unprecedented manner.

“Now if you’ll excuse me I have to read up on penguins.  Did you know that penguin couples spend their lives apart from one another and only meet once a year?  When I told my husband Bill this he started screaming ‘Yes….Yes….oh God yes.  Now that’s what I’m talking about!’  Probably because he was so happy that I am doing my job so well.”

Thank you Madame Secretary of State for taking time out of your busy schedule to honor me with a column - The Manhattan Infidel.

Already facing stiff opposition regarding their health plan Congressional Democrats at town hall meetings now have to explain the “single payer sex plan” buried on page 927 of the bill.

The single payer sex plan is predicated on the assumption that people who do not have sex regularly lead to the rise of health care costs across the nation.

“We were finding that those who do not have sex regularly, particularly single men end up engaging in risky activity such as violent crime and patronizing prostitutes.  Both activities lead to emergency room visits for gunshot wounds or V.D.  Some even debase themselves by starting blogs” said Senator Arlen Specter at one town hall rally.  “Carpal Tunnel syndrome alone cost 3 billion last year.”

Under the new plan the Federal Government will now assign sex partners to all U.S. citizens over the age of 16.  Those under 16 will continue to have sex the old fashioned way - with their teachers.

Once a person reaches the age of 16 they will be entered into a nation-wide sex database and issued a Federal Sex Card.

President Obama, speaking at a rally today was enthusiastic about the plan.

“Think of all the money we are going to save.  Once you receive your Sex Card all you have to do is call up a toll-free 800 number to ask for a partner.  Oh sure, you may have to wait 10 to 15 weeks for your sex.  You may have to travel hundreds of miles for your sex. You may not get the sex partner or partners you want.  If you want special equipment it might not be new.  The sex may be unsatisfactory. There will probably be a long line.  But the point is, you will be having sex.  And the Government can do this for you. This is the hope I was elected for.”

Several people at the rally expressed unease over the single payer sex plan.

“Does this mean that the Government will now be telling me who to have sex with?” asked one man.

“Yes” replied President Obama.

“And I’ll have no choice in the matter?”

“No choice whatsoever.”

“So I’ll be submissive?  Cool.  I’m totally into that.”  The man left the meeting excited about the possiblities of single payer sex.

Still others remain unconvinced.

“What about the 85% of us satisfied with their sex partners?  Is it fair for us?”  asked one protester.

President Obama responded by saying that sacrifices must be made and it is time to “redistribute the sex.”

Republicans admit that sex lives of Americans are broken and need to be fixed but in addition to the Government Sex Card insist that private sex providers also be provided in any health package.

“Americans prize individual initiative” declared Senator Mitch McConnell.  “Instead of waiting for the Government to find you a sex partner, walk up to a stranger in a bar and ask her for a roll in the hay.  It’s gumption like this that makes America great.”

From: The Office of the Secretary of State, Pepperland.

To:  Mayor Young Fred

In accordance with your request I submit this report detailing the recent unfortunate events in Pepperland leading to the attack by the Blue Meanies that resulted in the tragic loss of 35% of our population.

First and foremost it must be stated that Pepperland’s total abandonment of its defenses invited attack by our traditional enemies The Blue Meanies (”Meanies”).  Pepperland is situated on a plain.  We have a tiny population.  We are surrounded by mountains on three sides populated by Meanies who outnumber us 8 to 1.  The only avenue of escape is the Sea of Holes which is known to be patrolled by Meanies.  Yet our previous Mayor Old Fred had disbanded the Militia, our only means of defense, and in its place had “All You Need is Love” billboards placed around Pepperland.

It was known that, in violation of existing treaties, the Meanies had been stockpiling forbidden weapons such as Apple Bonkers,

Snapping Turtle Turks,

and the Meanies dreaded “Doomsday” weapon, Glove

which I may add even the North Koreans have outlawed.  Mayor Old Fred was repeatedly warned about this but instead of preparing a prudent defense chose to spend his time playing in a string quartet. (Editors note: After the attack Mayor Old Fred was voted out of office in a landslide and now resides in exiled disgrace in the south of France.)

Once the sneak attack began within an hour Pepperland was reduced to rubble, our citizens immobilized by advance guard Apple Bonkers.  If not for our current Mayor Young Fred, who courageously dodged Glove to escape and summon help, Pepperland might have been defeated to rise again no more like Troy or the Los Angeles Clippers.

Young Fred travelled through the Sea of Holes, Time, Science and Nothing to find Richard Starkey, MBE, aka Ringo Starr who proceeded to get his three friends John, Paul and George to come back to Pepperland to dislodge the Meanies.

While the arrival of The Beatles was fortuitous (one captured Meanie told us that Ringo’s nose blocked them from sighting their guns for a knockout blow) we simply cannot rely upon them in the future. Already there are signs of stress in The Beatles.  It is reported that John and Paul are not speaking to one another and it is not known how much longer they will be together.

It is strongly recommended that Pepperland’s Militia be reactivated, strengthened and made mandatory.  All able bodied Pepperlandiers between the ages of 18 and 35 will have to serve in the Militia.

It is also recommended that Pepperland adopt a more realistic foreign policy.  Neutrality should be abandoned and allies should be prudently sought out.  Already the Americans have generously offered us nuclear weapons and Rosie O’Donnell.

A new cabinet position, “Secretary of Defense” should be created.

I humbly submit these recommendations for your perusal.

The Secretary of State of Pepperland.

Today it was revealed that British agent James Bond has filed a multimillion dollar sexual harassment suit against one Jane Moneypenny, a secretary for Britain’s MI6 intelligence agency.  Bond has also named “M”, the leader of MI6 as well as the agency itself, claiming a “culture  of harassment” in the institution.

In the suit Bond claims emotional damages as a result of Miss Moneypenny’s repeated sexual harassment.

“I find myself unable to do my job.  I am a dedicated and decorated officer in Her Majesty’s service.  I fight for the Queen and against our enemies.  I often find myself in harm’s way.  I have been shot at, had lasers pointed at my testicles, had a large man with steel teeth try to kill me.  Yet all Miss Moneypenny cares about is that I look good in a tux and have ripped abs.”

Bond claims that after returning from dangerous missions where his life was in jeopardy Miss Moneypenny would bombard him with text messages like “When are we going to get married”  and “You look fantastic.  Take me out to dinner.”  Bond also claims that Moneypenny has sent emails to him of a suggestive nature, such as one of her in her evening gown with the caption, “Do you want this?”

Bond claims that as a result of this harassment he has had to go to a psychiatrist and has frequent nightmares.

“Sometimes I wake up in a cold sweat and start to cry.  She has made my life a living Hell.  I am a man and demand the respect I deserve.”

Bond further claims that he has complained to his superiors about Miss Moneypenny’s actions but was told to keep quiet.

“Upon filing a written complaint against her I was called into ‘M’s’ office and told that I should stop causing trouble and rocking the boat.  M ripped up my complaint and told me to forget about it. He said that Miss Moneypenny was the best damn secretary he’s ever had and he can’t afford to lose her. He also winked at me and said ‘C’mon.  Enjoy it.  We are the eye candy here.’ ”

Bond, in addition to seeking restitution in the form of monetary damages also wants changes in the culture at MI6.  As Bond says in the suit, “I am not eye candy.  I am a professional.  The Sorority House atmosphere at MI6 has to stop.  The workplace should be a ‘respect zone’ where men such as I can go to work and not worry about unwanted advances.”

Through their lawyers Miss Moneypenny and “M” had no comment.

One day after their 7-game winning streak was snapped by those Canadian ingrates, I returned to Yankee Stadium.

The Yankees started  Joba Chamberlain (which Joba would show up, the good dominating Joba or the “evil walks the entire order” Joba) while the Blue Jays countered with Scott Richmond who has lost three of his last four decisions.  Just the type of pitcher who can blank the Yankees.

It looked at first as if the good Joba had showed up.  He got out of the first without giving up a run or walking anybody.  the Yankees scored in the bottom of the first after Derek “Doesn’t everybody date supermodels?” Jeter lead off with a single, followed by a Johnny Damon double and a Mark Teixeira single.  2-0 Yankees after one inning.  The Yankees scored again in the bottom of the 2nd when Robinson Cano lead off with a double, reached 3rd on a balk and scored on a Melky Cabrera sacrifice fly.  3-0 Yankees after 2.

So far the good Joba had shown up, striking out 2 and allowing only one hit.  But in the top of the 3rd the evil Joba arrived.  Lyle Overbay hit a bases clearing double.  3-3 after three innings.

And here’s where things got dicey.  Toronto starter Richmond did not allow a hit from the 2nd inning on.  Toronto DH Randy Ruiz (say that fast 10 times) hit a home run in the top of the 4th.  4-3 Toronto after 4.  And so the score stayed that way until both starting pitchers were relieved.  Joba lasted 6 innings giving up 5 hits and 4 runs while striking out 5.  He did not get the win.  Richmond lasted 6 as well giving up 3 runs and striking out eight.

I was beginning to think the Yankees were going to lose again and had already called in an air strike against Ottawa when the Yankees exploded with back-to-back jacks in the 8th from Hideki Matsui and Jorge Posada.  There was some controversy as Posada’s home run had to be reviewed.  Fortunately the umpires saved the Yankee fans the effort of beating them up by making the right call and allowing the home run.  The Yankees tacked on two more runs as Hairston and Cabrera scored.  Yankees 7 Toronto 4 after  eight.

Mariano “I am not sleeping with Kim Jones” Rivera was brought in for the 9th.  He made it interesting, giving up a home run to Toronto 3rd baseman Edwin Encarnacion but he was able to hold on for the save.  Final score:  Yankees 7  Toronto 5.

Notes on the game:

The Men’s rooms in the lower level have privacy dividers between the urinals and motion activated sinks.  (Just put your hands under and let the water flow.)  The Men’s rooms by the bleachers have no privacy dividers and you have to get your water the old fashioned way - push down on the faucet.  I’m not sure what the Yankees are trying to tell us.

Behind me in the bleachers I had to listen to a couple argue the entire game as their bratty kids fought.  People, it’s like I always say:  reproduction of the species is bad!  I finally had enough and bought the kids a few beers.  Hey, starting them on the road to addiction was the least I can do.

Watching Mark Teixeira run the basepaths gives me the same sinking feeling I get watching Jack Bauer on “24″ tell someone they have his word.  No good can come from this and someone is probably going to die.

Reader mail:

Thomas Aquinas writes “The emission of semen then ought to be so directed as that both the proper generation may ensue and the education of offspring be secured.”

People I can’t stress this enough.  Please confine your comments to baseball.

Thomas Aquinas also writes “Go Yankees.  But the DH has to go.”

We’ll discuss the DH at another time.  But much better on the email Thomas.

Gregory of Nazianzus writes, “This body when it is doing well makes war on me and when it is oppressed it grieves me.”

One word:  Pilates.

D.B. of Mt. Holly New Jersey writes “I am writing this using a laser guided pen as my arms and legs were missing when I woke up this morning.  This crap has to stop.”

Ah New Jersey!

P.M of London England writes “I was talking to an eskimo said he was hoping for a Fall of snow when up popped a sea lion ready to go.”

Again, confine comments to baseball.

A.P of Poughkeepsie New York writes “I’m mad as hell and I’m not going to take it anymore.  I’m going to  a town hall meeting!”

Obviously a right wing Republican plant as dissent is now unpatriotic.

M.W. of California writes “I am going to Las Vegas to celebrate my birthday.  Is it true that what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas?”

Absolutely.  Do not worry about the security cameras.  They are just for show.  And don’t worry about any videos from those cameras being uploaded onto YouTube.  I will not watch any of them.  Especially the one with you dancing on top of a bar.

R.L also of California writes “Sex is fantastic!”

I thought I told you to stay away from your students.

Anyway, my record this year stands at 10-2.  My next Yankee game is Monday September 7th against potential wild card winner the Tampa Bay Rays.

Go Yankees!

After sweeping the Red Sox (Bahstahn sawks cack!) the Yankees faced intradivision rival the Toronto Blue Jays.  And as was bound to happen after sweeping the Red Sox the Yankees lost.  Well you have to expect that.  Sweeping the Red Sox is like hardcore sex with a sleazy prostitute.  It’s fun.  It’s exciting. It’s illicit and done in an alley or a cheap motel room or the server room at work (though you had to really improvise a way for her past security.)  And then there are the other teams.  Every other team is like making love to your wife.  Obviously you won’t have the same level of concentration.  You’ll probably get bored and end the thing early so you can grab a beer.

But I digress. Onto the game.

The Yankees started with their makeshift fifth starter Sergio Mitre, who they had wisely kept from pitching against the Red Sox.  Toronto started with Marc Rzepczynski.  Neither starter was that effective.  Rzepczynski lasted just 3 1/3 innings giving up 4 runs on 7 hits (three of them being home runs including one by Jeter in the bottom of the first.)  Mitre didn’t do much better lasting 5 innings giving up five runs (three earned).

Jeter hit a home run in the bottom of the first.  1-0 Yankees after one.  Toronto got a run back in the top of the third thanks to a home run by Aaron Hill.   Jeter scored in the bottom of the third.  2-1 after three.  Toronto scored three runs in the top of the fourth thanks to a crucial Robinson Cano error. 4-2 after 3 1/2 innings.  Between innings manager Joe Girardi could be seen attaching electrodes to Cano’s testicles and screaming “I must punish you!” Did the discipline have the desired effect?  Cano led off the bottom of the fourth with a home run.  Jerry Hairston Jr. followed with another home run.  4-4 after four innings.  Unfortunately Lyle Overbay hit a home run in the top of the fifth and Toronto’s bullpen shut the Yankees down.  Final score:  Toronto 5 Yankees 4. The Yankees seven game winning streak comes to an end along with my personal eight game winning streak.

Why did the Yankees lose?  A factor of Cano’s error and the Yankees inability to move runners over.  They wasted a leadoff double by Cano in the sixth and a leadoff single by Jeter in the 7th.  But perhaps the biggest reason is Canada itself.

Blame Canada

Blame Canada

They’re not even a real country anyway

With all their hockey hullaboo

And that bitch Anne Murray too *

Notes on the game:

I arrived at the Stadium and spent some time in the Yankee Food Court.  They had pictures of Yankee greats from the past (Ruth, Dimaggio, Berra) all chowing down on food.  They also had a picture of Mahatma Gandhi eating pasta and giving the thumbs up.  The caption below his photo said, “Screw fasting.  Eating to excess is what I live for.”   I did not know that about him.

During the entire game the woman sitting next to me insisted on giving me her life story in excruciating detail.  Adding insult to injury she had the same annoying accent as Susyn Waldman.  I was tempted to smother her to death with my hot dog roll but I figured security would eject me so I didn’t.

After the sixth inning as normal the Yankee grounds crew came out to the tune of “YMCA” by the Village People.  There is absolutely no truth to the rumor that this song will be replaced by “Closer” by Nine Inch Nails.  Though it should be.  Seriously.

During the game a giant prehistoric bird swooped down on the field, grabbed Toronto Left Fielder Joe Inglett and carried him away no doubt to his death.  Toronto manager Cito Gaston said, “Obviously our thoughts and prayers go out to his family.  But we were going to designate him for assignment anyway.”

After the game as I got off the subway in Manhattan a 20 something woman walked up to me and said, “I want to strip so bad!”   I did what any red-blooded American male would do.   I corrected her English.  “That’s I want to strip so badly young lady.”  She seemed confused but I’m sure she’ll thank me later.

Reader mail:

Thomas Aquinas writes, “Further, what is predicated in the abstract is not predicated in the concrete; thus whiteness is a color, it is not something colored.”

Go away son.  You bother me.

Ignatius of Antioch writes, “I, who am writing to you while I live, am yearning to die.”

Sounds like a Mets fan.

D.B. of Mt. Holly New Jersey writes, “I just woke up and my god now my kidneys are gone.  What in God’s name is going on here?”

In New Jersey you snooze you lose apparently.

L.K. also of New Jersey writes, “Who wants some grade A kidneys?  They’re still fresh.”

And delicious!

Jimmy the Hat writes, “No seriously.  I think this is infected.  Touch it.  It’s like a marshmallow.”

I’ll pass.

Rick the Stick writes, “I don’t like the graphics on your blog.  The visual layout is unappealing.”

Does this look infected?

So my record this year at Yankee games, despite today’s loss, still is an impressive 9-2.  My next game is Tuesday August 11th against the selfsame Toronto Blue Jays.

Go Yankees!

* Courtesy of South Park.

In a stunning turn of events it has been revealed that Paradise has run out of virgins.  Kalif Shiek Ali, Director of Virgin Recruitment in Paradise made the announcement at a heavily attended press conference.

“Look, our first priority has always been the comfort of our suicide bombers” a harried Ali said.  “And virgins seem to be what they all want.  But do you know how hard it is to find virgins nowadays?  I searched everywhere.  High schools. Middle schools.  Britney Spears’ backup dancers.  But nothing.  I did finally find one virgin but all she wanted to talk about was the Jonas Brothers.  She wasn’t interested in tending to the needs of Allah’s warriors…….” his voice trailed off as he took his glasses off and cleaned them.

“I know I’m Director of Virgin Recruitment and it’s my job but you can’t get blood from a stone.  So I started to improvise.  I offered them divorcees.  Not just any divorcees but sultry divorcees. ‘They’re milfs’ I’d tell them.  But they weren’t interested.”

“I tried telling the martyrs that virgins were overrated.  But they wouldn’t listen.  I even brought in a martyr to talk about his experience with 72 virgins.”

Ali then brought Hasam Yousef Mohamed to the podium and introduced him.  Mohamed, a martyr with 26 kills to his name recounted his experience with virgins in Paradise.

“It was not pleasant.  Virgin 28 and virgin 33 got into a fistfight because they were wearing the same veil.  Virgin 15 kept nagging me saying ‘if you think you’re going to relax all eternity in Paradise you’re wrong.  The garage needs cleaning and the lawn has to be mowed.’  Virgin 40 kept having crying jags.  When I asked her what was wrong she said ‘you ought to know!’  Virgin 57 wanted her mother to live with us.  I couldn’t take it any longer.  So I checked out and bought a plane ticket to Detroit.”

Ali thanked Mohamed for his statement and continued.

“They want virgins.  We have no virgins.  We have divorcees.  They don’t want divorcees - not even sultry ones.  I’m tired of the attitudes on these martyrs. You know what.  To hell with them.  From now on they’re just getting a gift basket.”

He brought out the new “official” welcoming gift for suicide bombers containing a “Welcome to Paradise” greeting card, a cheese platter, assorted fruits as well as a booklet, “You’ve Just Martyred Yourself.  Now What? 100 Questions for Suicide Bombers” and the complete “I Dream of Jeannie” DVD collection.

“The ‘I Dream of Jeannie’ DVDs were my idea” Ali said.  “That Barbara Eden is hot.”

He then resigned as Director of Virgin Recruitment and announced he is taking a new job as Head of Minor League Player Development for the New York Mets.

“After dealing with martyrs and virgins this job should be a cakewalk!”

“I hold in my hand peace in our time”

Neville Chamberlain, 1938

“I am 100% not guilty!”

O.J. Simpson, 1995

“I don’t know how I tested positive!”

David Ortiz, 2009

There you have three leading examples of perfidy in modern times.  All lead to disaster.  Hopefully the last one for the long term prospects of the Red Sox.  And what does Boston do?  That’s right, Bahstahn sawks cack!

Today was a busy day for your humble correspondent as I found myself at 8 A.M. 165 miles north of the Bronx in City Hall in Albany NY acting as a witness at my brother’s marriage.  After  lunch at a local Chinese restaurant in Troy NY we piled in the car and drove down to New York for the Yankee game.  (I know what you are saying.  Your brother just got married.  Surely you could have stayed a little longer?  Hey, marriage is a beautiful institution between a woman……..and a man who cannot afford alimony but the Yankees vs. the Red Sox is the Yankees vs. the Red Sox.)

But onto the game.  After last night’s slug fest I figured this would have a pretty good chance of being a pitcher’s duel.  Five hours and 45 minutes later, in the bottom of the 15th, tied 0-0, AROD won the game with a walk off home run.

But I’m getting ahead of myself.

The Yankees started A.J. Burnett, seeking redemption after earlier bad starts against the Red Sox while the Sox started Yankee killer Josh Beckett.  And it was a great pitcher’s duel.  Burnett pitched  7 2/3 allowing just one hit (in the first inning) while striking out 6.  Beckett went 7 innings giving up 4 hits and striking out 7.

The Yankees had plenty of chances, wasting a lead off double by Cano in the fourth, back-to-back singles by Matsui and Posada in the seventh and back-to-back singles by Posada and Cano in the 14th.

Boston used 8 pitchers to hold the Yankees to no runs and seven hits through 14 innings while the Yanks used 6 pitchers to hold Boston to no runs and 4 hits through 14.  The last Boston hit came in the 10th off of Alfredo Aceves.  The Yankee bullpen of Hughes, Rivera, Aceves, Bruney (gasp, yes I know but he pitched well) and Coke pitched 7 innings and allowed only 3 hits to Boston.

I’ve only been to one other extra inning game in my life, that being the famous July 1 2004 game against Boston.  The Yankees won that game.  Could lightning strike twice?

Bottom of the 15th.  Derek “I’m so unbelievable” Jeter lead off with a single.  After Johnny Damon popped up during a disgraceful bunt attempt and Mark Teixeira struck out, the much maligned Alex “Jeter is my obsession” Rodriguez came to the plate having not hit a home run in 72 at bats, the worst drought of his career.  Rodriguez proceeded to hit a walk off home run at 12:42 AM off of Boston reliever Junichi Tazawa, who was making his major league debut.  Said reliever was unavailable to talk to reporters after the game having committed hari kari.

Final score 2 -0 Yankees.  Phil Coke got the win for the Yankees.  Ritual suicide devotee Tazawa got the loss for Boston.

Notes on the game:

This was the longest scoreless duel between the two teams in their history.

While the game and particularly the outcome were great, the Yankees and the Red Sox have not had a benches clearing brawl since 2004.  It is time for another.

Best heckle:  Whenever David “Big pop up” Ortiz came to the plate he was greeted with cheers of “You have bitch tits!”

Celebrity sighting:  Paul Simon was at the stadium.  I have to give him credit.  He stayed to the end.  Unlike his hair.

A beach ball was thrown onto the field.  Nick Swisher retrieved it and being a free spirit, proceeded to smoke it.

Recommended reading material:  The Goliath Bone, a Mike Hammer novel by Mickey Spillane and Max Allan Collins.

This was the second greatest game I’ve ever been to and like the July 1st 2004 game against the Red Sox, the ticket from this game is now on my refrigerator.

Reader mail:

D.O. from Boston writes, “Recently as a result of massive performance enhancing drug use, my body has stopped producing testosterone.  Is there anything I can do?”

Yes, enjoy your bitch tits.

M.R. formerly of Boston now of L.A. writes, “This female estrogen I’m taking to jump start my testosterone production after years of massive steroid abuse just ain’t working.  My testicles are still shriveled.”

See previous email from D.O.

T.S. from Astoria Queens writes, “Even though I am born and bred in Philadelphia and have been a long time Philly fan,  lately I’ve been considering changing my allegiance to the Mets.”

Are you high??????  There can be no other explanation for such an irresponsible statement.

D.B. from Mt. Holly New Jersey writes, “This is the last time I’m asking.  Give me my damn liver back!”

If you don’t like organ harvesting, get out of New Jersey I say.

Jimmy the Hat writes, “Does this look infected?”

Ewww.

Anyway, it was a fantastic game.  The Yankees now hold a 4 1/2 game lead over Boston in the A.L. East and are tied with Los Angeles for the best record in baseball.

My record this year stands at an impressive 9-1.  My next game is Monday August 10th against the Toronto “gaining mediocrity” Blue Jays.  Will I go 10 -1?  Will the vice squad arrest me in nothing but a trench coat?  Again?  Stay tuned and find out.

Go Yankees!

Update:  It was a good thing AROD decided to hit that home run in the bottom of the 15th since I was running out of room on my scorecard, as evidenced below:

The standoff between the Keebler Elves, squatters who live in trees and local authorities continues to get more heated, with each side accusing the other of “bullying tactics.”

The Keeblers, a family of little people have hollowed out several trees in a protected forest preserve and have set up an illegal cookie making factory.

“Not only do they not have a permit to make cookies, but the waste, pollution and runoff from their so-called factory can be seen for miles” declares the local head of Citizens for Clean Resources.   “Just last week I took my son swimming in a lake we always go to.  The lake had this sludge in it.  My son got some in his eyes and was almost blinded.  The doctor said it was cookie dough.”

Concerned that once-pristine resources were being violated, The People for the Ethical Treatment of Trees sent a contingent to force the elves out of their homes.  They were met by Ma Keebler who, brandishing a shot gun fired into the air and said “Any one of you tree-hugging pussies that so much as touches us will get a load of buckshot in the balls.”

Things turned even worse when one of the Elves, “Fast Eddie”, aka “Fat Eddie” was arrested in town on an outstanding warrant.

The elves then sent word that they would stop all cookie production.  At first this was thought to be a victory but soon town residents were complaining that they needed their cookies.  People were seen sneaking into the woods at night for secret meetings with Zack Elf (the fudge shoppe supervisor) and “Buckets” Elf (whose job it is to throw fudge onto cookies).

The leader of the Elf clan, Ernie Elf told reporters that “We are the innocent ones here.  We’re just providing a service.  White man wants cookies.  White man gonna get cookies.”

Indeed this standoff highlights the growing problem of illegal, “underground” cookie production.

“We can arrest them.  But they’d be back in business overnight.  If we want them gone for good we have to stop the demand for cookies” said the police chief.

Local authorities are experimenting with “association therapy” in schools.  Test subjects have a tray of fresh Keebler cookies placed in front of them.  “They go wild.  The smell entices them.  They start drooling and screaming ‘give me the damn cookies.’ “  They are then shown a video of Hitler.

“We are hoping they will begin to associate Hitler, who was evil, with Keebler cookies and begin to think of the cookies themselves as evil.”

Authorities know they have a long road ahead of them if they want to successfully stop the underground cookie trade.

“A line must be drawn in the sand.  Today it’s cookies.  Tomorrow it might be soccer.”

J.K. Rowling’s much anticipated new book, “Harry Potter and the Order of the Dominatrix” will be released tomorrow.

According to Rowling, the new book will focus on Harry’s experiences as a young adult.  “I want to take the series in a new direction.  He’s an adult now.  He’s left Hogwart’s school and moves to the big city and experiences all its temptations.”

Critical reception of the new book has been mixed with many complaining of the radical new direction their hero has been taken.  “I’m all for artistic growth” said one critic, “but when Rowling has Harry Potter wearing a leather mask with a ball in his mouth getting whipped by his mistress….well, that’s when I put the book down and found myself yearning for purer entertainment like whatever they usually have on Cinemax’ ”

The plot of the novel finds a young Harry, devastated by his breakup with Hermione Granger moving to the big city determined to forget about her.  Blaming his wizard skills for the breakup he forgoes magic and gets a job as a pole dancer.  It is while dancing one night he meets a member of the mysterious “Order of the Dominatrix”, an Order that may be responsible for the deaths of several wizards.

Determined to get to the bottom of the mystery Harry goes “deep undercover” joining the order becoming an apprentice and is assigned a “master dominator’ who nightly shows Harry wonders of pleasure and pain.  “It was never like this at Hogwart’s….never.  Oh God yes I’ve been bad.  I’m a filthy dirty pig and need discipline” he says in one pivotal chapter.

Harry soon finds that the Order is the one responsible for the deaths of his wizard friends.  Arranging a trap for the master dominatrix  he turns the table on her and gets her to confess as he paddles her.

“Confess!” he shouts over and over.  The Master Dominatrix responds with “I see I taught you well Harry.  May I please have another Sir?”  As she confesses Harry takes off her mask only to be shocked as he finds out that the Master Dominatrix is none other than Hermione herself.

“This is the pivotal moment for Harry.  Will her join her on the dark side?  Harry is torn between his love for Hermione, his need for sexual discipline and his friendship with his old wizard friends” says Rowling. “Harry realizes that life means loss….making choices that lead to loss.”

Rowling remains undeterred by criticism of the new book and plans more in the series that will explore Harry’s new grown up world.  Future titles include “Harry Potter and the Public Restroom”, “Watch him get some real Hogwarts” , “Harry Potter and the Undercover Officer”, “Harry learns the meaning of humility and parole“, “Harry Potter Joins the Naval Reserve”,  “Harry learns new things about himself” and “Harry Potter and the Recurring Social Disease, “Harry learns that actions have consequences.”

There is no word yet on a possible movie version of The Order of the Dominatrix.