Manhattan Infidel

Arriving at Yankee Stadium today after working my usual night shift I grabbed a program and took my seat behind the Serengeti grass in the front row of the bleachers.  Three things immediately crossed my mind.  1.  Joba Chamberlain has never won a game in the new Yankee Stadium.  2.  The Yankees were facing Brett Cecil who they have never seen before and 3. Alex Rodriguez was resting his surgically repaired hip leaving Cody Ransom to start at 3rd.  Surely these three events won’t come back to bite the Yankees in the ass will it?  Surely it won’t?

But on to the game.  The Yankees, as all teams have done this weekend wore red caps for the July 4th weekend.  No truth to the rumor that all teams will wear caps that say “We Surrender!” on Bastille day.

Joba  got through the first two innings giving up only 1 hit.  Perhaps he will win his first game at the new stadium?  By the bottom of the 2nd the Yankees had staked Joba to a 4-0 lead courtesy of a Lyle Overbay error, a Nick Swisher single and a Jorge Posada single.

But in the 3rd Chamberlain remembered he was pitching at home, giving up 3 runs on 3 hits including a home run by Adam Lind to deep right.  4-3 Yankees after 3.

The wheels came off in the top of the 4th when  Cody Ransom (this won’t bite the Yanks on the ass, giving AROD a day off will it?) committed an error leading to 5 runs including another home run into the jet stream by Aaron Hill.  Joba was mercifully lifted with 2 outs in the inning giving way to Jonathan Albaladejo.  8-4 Blue Jays (Canada sucks) after 4 innings.

But the Yankees, representing truth and justice and the American Way would not be kept down.  With 2 runners on base and Hideki Matsui at the plate I decided it was time for one of my patented heckles.  So I stood up and yelled, “Matsui hit a home run or I’ll bring Curtis LeMay back from the dead to carpet bomb Tokyo!”

Fortunately Matsui heard me hitting a 3 run home run to (where else) the jet stream in deep right field.  8-7 Blue Jays (Oh, and Canada still sucks) after 4.  Curtis LeMay was not needed.  Sorry Curtis.  Go back to Hell.

Meanwhile the game was almost three hours long and had not even reached the 5th inning you know the Irish should stay out of the Sun you know you should not stay in the sun look at you you’re a lobster no wonder you are burned and stop reading Ken Kesey it’s screwing with your narrative stream but in the 5th the Yankees scored 3 more runs courtesy of a Derek Jeter go ahead homer and a Jorge Posada double scoring Melky Cabrera.  10-8 Yankees after 5 innings.  A lead always takes the edge off severe sunburn.

And so that score stayed.  Final:  Yankees 10 Blue Jays (Canada…well, you know by now) 8.  The Yankees have won 3 of the first 4 of this series.  The finale is tomorrow afternoon.

Notes on the game:

Best heckle by a non sunburned adult blogger - a kid sitting a few rows behind me who could not have been more than 10 piped up with a frustrated  “what the fuck?”  during Toronto’s 5 run 4th inning.  Good work young man.

People sitting around me in the bleachers noticed I was keeping score.  This in their eyes made me something of an authority figure and truth oracle.  They kept asking me my opinion on the the game.  Those questions ended when I slit the throat of the man next to me, collecting his blood in my beer glass.  “I need human blood to  prophesy” I said. I was not arrested because, strangely, collecting human blood in beer bottles is not illegal in NYC.

Recommended reading material:  Sometimes a Great Notion by Ken Kesey

Nick Swisher had plenty of female fans in the bleachers.  He took off his hat revealing his Mohawk hair do.  Now what kind of emotionally stunted, immature, loser….what sort of emotionally stunted, immature loser with no future has a Mohawk hair do?

Reader mail:

L.K. of New Jersey writes, “Hey, bite me.  I have a a Mohawk.”

I would be nice to me L.K. or I’ll tell the FBI about that former teamster leader you have buried in your back yard.   That’s right.  I know he ain’t buried in the end zone of Giant Stadium.

V.P. of Moscow writes “I have high-ranking American guests coming here for a few days  What the hell am I supposed to do with them?”

Hope, V.P.  Hope for the change.  Hope and change.

A.L. of Washington D.C., formerly of Springfield Illinois writes “Meet me at Ford’s Theatre tonight.  The play will be a real blast in the head.  P.S.  Love the Yankees.”  

M.W. of California writes, “I cannot get Yankee games out here.  It’s terrible.  But that’s not my problem.  Lately giant rabbits have been following me around. They are everywhere.  In my house.  In my car.  And they talk to me.  Is this normal?  What should I do?”

Ask the rabbits if they are Yankee fans.  If they are do not worry about it.  If they aren’t you’re probably possessed.

So my record this year at Yankee games stands at 5 -1.

My next Yankee game is Sunday July 19th against the Detroit “RoboCop was a documentary” Tigers.   This is also coincidentally Old Timers Day.  The Yankees usually have a theme each year and this year it is “Yankee Legends; Yankee Felons.” The special guests include Jim “Red light?  What red light?” Leyritz and Mel “I thought 12 years old was the age of consent” Hall.

Go Yankees!

Along 23rd Street at night

Lights from the construction site

35 dollar shirts for 5 dollars

nothing says white trash like a mullet

A black bear currently residing in Montana is suing The Nature Channel for defamation of character.

“They shot over 200 hours of me for their damn documentary and what do they show?  Just a couple shots of me in a stream tearing fish to shreds and eating them.  Those shots were taken way out of context.  I have excellent relationships with many fish.”

“When I agreed let them film me it was because I thought they were going to show a balanced, nuanced depiction of a typical black bear in the wilderness.  Instead they cherry picked the footage to cater to the worst stereotypes humans have of us bears of color.”

“I happen to be very literate and a lover of peace.  Did they show me wearing my glasses when I was sitting in my favorite arm chair, sipping a glass of wine by the fire and reading a book of Robert Frost poems?  No.  Did they show me protesting at an antiwar rally?  I was quite proud of the sign I was holding, ‘Bearing all for Peace’.   No.  Did they show at a minor league baseball game (I’m a mascot) entertaining the children?  No.”

He took off his glasses and placed them on the table.

“I mean, this really burns me up.  Let me show you what I’m talking about.”

The bear turned on his TV and put in the DVD of the nature documentary he starred in.

“Look at this?  See?  It looks like I’m in a stream eating fish.  Those are FAKE fish.  The producer pulled me aside before the shot and said ‘Look we need some shots of you tearing fish apart with your teeth……for ratings you know.’  What was i to say?  I’m not a professional.  Now all my fish friends have seen this and they aren’t talking to me.”

Beginning to pace around his room, he warmed up to his subject.

“Look at this scene.  It shows me entering a campsite and trying to open a car, scaring the children inside.  Those were the producer’s kids in the car. He made me do it - said it was in the contract.  He called it ‘his nature documentary money shot’ whatever that means.  I LOVE kids and would never scare any of them.  I have good relations with humans.  I have human neighbors.  They don’t bother me and I don’t bother them.  Now they are trying to have me run out of the neighborhood.”

He then returned to his seat and put his head in his paws.

“I don’t know what to do.  Now fellow bears are snubbing me.  They say I’ve betrayed them.”

A spokesman for the Nature Channel released a statement saying “The bear in question signed a contract and was aware of the theme of the show.  He has no case and if he persists in this frivolous lawsuit we will have no choice but to show the outtakes of him shitting in the woods.”

America’s 50 state Governors have announced that they will be holding a convention in Las Vegas where they will meet, discuss common issues and, most importantly, “Let our freak flag fly high baby!”

From New York, Governor David Patterson, wearing his trademark “pimp suit” of double breasted purple, wide brimmed purple hat with garish feather and walking cane said “Vegas baby!  I’m bringing bitches!”

In Sacramento, California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger told reporters “The Governator will be pressing the flesh.  Lots of flesh.”

Recently disgraced Governor of South Carolina Mark Sanford announced that he will be attending, complete with an Argentinian woman on each arm.  “Once you go South American, you never go back.  I love those Southies, their smiles,  their magnificent gentle kisses, the tan lines, the curves of their hips, the erotic beauty of holding them in the faded glow of night’s light…..the……oh god I’m done.”

The Governor of Pennsylvania, Edward G. Rendell sent an email out announcing that he has changed his mind and will attend the conference.  “I haven’t had a sex scandal.  I feel I’ve let my fellow Governors down.  I intend to use my time in Vegas to full advantage and have already started communicating with hookers on Craigslist.  I will be bringing champagne, vaseline, rubber gloves and a mechanical suction device of my own invention.”

Former Governors Eliot Spitzer and Jim McGreevey will also be attending.  Spitzer remarked that “I have dedicated my  life to reform.  No sloppy sex in alleys for me.  Nothing says reform like a 3000 dollar an hour prostitute.” McGreevey said that he has agreed to disagree with his friend Spitzer.  “For me,  sloppy sex in an alley with a man you’ve never met before, or 5 men you’ve never met before, is what being a Governor is all about.”

Psychiatrists have coined the phrase “Governor Associated Sex”, or “GAS” to describe the phenomenon of recent chief executive sex scandals.  “No one really know what causes GAS, but once you have it, life can become very difficult for those around you” says one psychiatrist.

Even though Las Vegas’ official tourist slogan, “What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas” seems to invite an anything goes atmosphere, many residents are concerned about the visit of the State Governors.  One hotel owner said “Look I’m no prude.  We’ve had many unsavory guests over the years including murderers, rapists and Don Knotts.  But these Governors make me nervous. I’m closing business and leaving town for a couple weeks.”

The last word on the conference has to be that of Wyoming Governor David Freudenthal who said that the meeting is an important chance for the 50 Governors to meet and discuss the problems they encounter.

“I have a lot to talk about.  Also, I hope to get in touch with my inner crossdresser.”