Manhattan Infidel

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) announced today that not only did the CIA lie to her about the practice of waterboarding but that over the years the CIA has engaged in a pattern of “obstruction of truth” with regards to her queries for information from the Agency.

Holding an impromptu press conference from her office, Speaker Pelosi produced a series of documents relating to her meetings with Agency officials over the past 5 years.

“Each time I asked for specific information and the CIA has lied to me” she said, holding up transcripts of the meetings.

“On December 5th 2002  I met with CIA representatives on the subject of Santa Claus.  I wanted to know if in fact Claus does exist.  I have long suspected that he did not exist. I hadn’t started my Christmas shopping yet so it was imperative that I had this information.  The people I met with informed me that according to their most recent intelligence reports, Santa Claus did exist.”

An agitated Pelosi continued producing documents that she said proved that the CIA was lying.

“I had several follow up meetings in the next few weeks on this subject.  On December 12 I asked Agency representatives if Santa can in fact tell who is naughty and who is nice.  It had been a rough year for me and I was worried that Santa might think I had been naughty.  They told me that he does have that ability and that I was definitely nice.”

Pelosi then talked about her next meeting with the CIA.

“On December 18th I had another meeting with the CIA.  I wanted to confirm that Santa was  cleared to fly in United States airspace on Christmas Eve.  They informed me that he had been granted special permission and would be able to visit that year. “

Here Pelosi’s voice wavered and a tear fell from her cheek.  “I waited up all night for Santa.  I had milk and cookies…..”  Her voice trailed off and she appeared confused, shuffling her papers.

“I have transcripts of other meetings.  March 23 2005.   I asked the CIA if they knew the identity of the walrus.  They told me it was probably one of the Beatles.  Perhaps Pete.  Now I find out all along that the walrus was Paul.  The CIA had to know it was Paul.  They  lied to me.  April 29th 2007.  I met with the CIA to find out if they knew if Charlie was going to be killed off on ‘Lost.’   They said he would live.  I turn into the season finale and Charlie gets killed off!  Lies!  All damn lies!!”

It was at this point that Pelosi appeared to begin speaking in tongues with the only understandable phrase being “Susquehanna!  Susquehanna hat company” repeated over and over.

Shortly after Speaker Pelosi started speaking in tongues an ambulance appeared outside her office.  Several men in white lab coats entered and strapped her to a stretcher.  One attendant said “I hate it when she escapes.  We always have to track her down and bring her back to the residence.”  She was sedated and placed in the ambulance.

The CIA had no comment on today’s events.

The controversial syndicated game show Bowling for Lemurs was cancelled today after only 2 weeks on the air.  The producer citing flagging ratings and rising production costs as the reason for the cancellation.  The show debuted at the bottom of its time slot and amazingly sank even lower the next week.

“The concept seemed a good thing at the time” said the show’s producer.  “I was sitting home one night watching the Bowling Channel, because that’s what producers do in their spare time, and I thought Bowling for Dollars is okay but why not update it and make it edgier, hipper and attract a younger audience.”

After brainstorming all weekend the idea was born.  Only it was originally called “Bowling for Alligators.”

“I thought this would be a hip show young people would like to watch.   But in preproduction one of the alligators ate a contestant.  As I was watching the alligator crawl away with the leg in his mouth I figured insurance would be too expensive so I grabbed a dictionary and opened it and placed my finger on a word for the new title, because that’s how producers do things, and lo and behold my finger was on the word lemur.”

A trip to Madagascar was necessary to round up thousands of lemurs for the show.

“It was difficult to round up the little buggers because the natural habitats of lemurs are forests.  So I had to burn down thousands of acres of forest, and again, as a producer I’m used to doing this, to drive the lemurs out.”

Placing the animals in restraints inside cardboard boxes and shipping them to the United States significantly drove up the cost of production.   Once onsite the lemurs proved unreceptive to the director’s commands, would not hit their marks and defecated on the set.

“I’m a producer so I’m used to that sort of behavior from supermodels, but not wild animals.”

The lemurs also made a habit of jumping on audience members and digging their claws into their scalps eliciting screams and much blood.

“As a producer screams and bloodshed do not bother me.   I’ve worked with David Caruso after all.   I could have lived with it if the ratings were better, but they weren’t.”

So Bowling for Lemurs is history, going the way of the Chevy Chase Show, the Rosie O’Donnell Variety Hour and anything starring Don Rickles as the worst failure in the history of television.  But the producer is not discouraged.

“I’m already retooling the format.  The show will be back in the fall as ‘Bowling for Compound Fractures.’  I’m confident  it’ll be a huge success.   I’m a producer after all.  I know what the American people want.”