Manhattan Infidel

Responding to criticism of their time-honored Spartan battle dress, the King of Sparta today unveiled new uniforms for his warriors.  The old uniform, consisting of a long cape and tight leather underwear was deemed “insufficient protection” against a cruel and bloodthirsty enemy as well as “not conducive to maintaining bodily warmth in our all important manly regions.”

“After our disaster at Thermopylae we conducted a postbattle review and we found that our brave Spartan warriors were spending too much time trying to warm their midsections rather than destroying the Persian enemy.”

One of the survivors of the last stand testified in front of a senate commission:  “Did you ever try slicing a Persian enemy apart when your nuts are numb?  C’mon.  Throw us a bone will ya!”

Another brave survivor recounts watching his son’s head “get chopped off because instead of going in for the kill he had his hands over his testicles trying to keep them warm.”

This brave warrior, who lost one eye in the battle continued:  “Sure we look good in leather and the women and the Athenians - those boy lovers and philosophizers - dig it but Greece can be a cold and rainy climate.  Did you ever wear wet leather?  I have one word for you - chafing.  Try sneaking up on an enemy when your shorts are squeaking.”

The bipartisan Spartan Senate commission consisting of live supporters of the King and recently murdered enemies of the King recommended that “in the future whenever our brave warriors go into battle they have the proper equipment to protect their equipment.”

At the press conference announcing the findings the new Spartan Battle Dress Uniform was unveiled.  Consisting of head to toe animal fur with an extra 2 layers to wrap around manly midsections the Spartan King professed his confidence in the new uniforms.

“I tried on the uniform and can state for a fact that my testicles haven’t felt so warm since the time I slept with that Egyptian slave girl.”

In addition to protect from frequent rains all Spartan warriors will carry a backpack containing a yellow polyester rain coat.  When one senator objected that polyester hadn’t even been invented yet the King became enraged and shouted at him, “I take from you everything and leave you nothing” before kicking him in the chest causing the unlucky senator to fall backward into a giant pit. Onlookers gasped in horror as the senator, breaking all known laws of physics, fell to the bottom of the pit in slow motion.

Shortly after this the press conference broke up and the King announced his intention to return to Thermopylae with “warm hearts ready for battle and warm testicles protected by animal fur.”

Today in Federal Court The Grinch filed a lawsuit against the citizens of Whoville, claiming “blatant discrimination, housing segregation, loss of self-esteem and job prospects.”

In a 55-page brief The Grinch lays bare his soul and his complaints against the citizens of Whoville.  Page 25, “…..housing discrimination is illegal yet I am relegated to living up on this mountain away from everyone else…” ,  page 41, “….the last time I came into town one of its citizens, a girl by the name of Cindy Lou Who, who is no more than two, held up a sign that said ‘Whoville for Who’s.  Grinch Go Home!’  Now where would she learn to say that if her parents aren’t teaching her to hate my kind…..”,  page 50, “…..I can’t get a job.  When I put down on applications that I live on the mountain I get knowing looks and I’m rejected…..I have problems with self-esteem because of this….”

The Grinch is also asking unspecified damages for “emotional and physical trauma.” Speaking on the steps of Whoville’s courthouse he said “My blood pressure is very high.  We grinch’s are prone to this.  Also my heart is two sizes two small.  You try going up and down the mountain in this condition.  I have heart palpitations, sweating.  Sometimes I black out.  I woke up once half way up the mountain with my dog licking me.”

In addition he is also asking that noise pollution laws be strictly enforced.  “Every Christmas……..the noise and the noise and the noise from the bizzle-binks and other contraptions….what happens? Nothing.  But if I want to play my music Whoville police come up the mountain and harass me.  They bang their nightsticks on my window mocking me with a song they wrote called ‘You’re a mean one Mr. Grinch.’  Some of the lyrics are ‘You’re a foul one Mr. Grinch. You’re a nasty, wasty skunk…you have all the tender sweetness of a seasick crocodile…..the three words to describe you are ’stink, stank, stunk.’  I mean, c’mon.   I have feelings!”

Lawyers representing the municipality of Whoville are countersuing the Grinch claiming, among other things, that The Grinch once “home-invaded” all the houses in Whoville, stealing all the Christmas toys destined for little boys and girls.

“He even stole the last crumb of cheese that the mouse would have taken.  Also, he terrorized little Cindy Lou Who by stealing her Christmas tree.  When she confronted him he gave her some cock-a-mamie story about the tree having a defective light and taking the tree back to his workshop in the North Pole.  He then gave her some milk laced with some sedative that made her sick.  We had to pump her stomach.  She has nightmares now! Lying and drugging a 2-year old?  Does that sound like the type of person you want to associate with?”

Lawyers for both sides are expected in court later in the week for preliminary hearings.

Local resident Speedy Gonzales, formerly of Mexico, died today from injuries sustained during his shift as a busboy at a popular Italian restaurant.  Sources report that shortly after 11 PM William Devereux, after a night of heavy drinking at a nearby Irish bar walked into the restaurant that Speedy was working at and angrily demanded a bottle of bourbon.  When Mr. Gonzales did not bring it quickly enough he called him a “Mexican son of a bitch” and struck him repeatedly on the shoulder and head with a glass-encased autographed photo of the 1980-1981 cast of “Saturday Night Live.” Mr. Gonzales fell to the floor his last words being “¡Andale! ¡Andale! ¡Arriba! ¡Arriba! ¡Yii-hah!  Speedy no so Speedy.  He no get out of way of white man!”  He was taken to a hospital but died shortly thereafter of a brain hemorrhage.

Mr. Gonzales had recently emigrated from Mexico in search of a better life.  With his wife and children still in Mexico Speedy worked two jobs hoping to make enough money to bring them to New York.  A heartbroken Mrs. Gonzales when informed of her husband’s death wept as she described him as “A good husband and provider.  He did not drink alcohol.  He was friendly even to total strangers and had a kind disposition to all.” 

Before emigrating Speedy was known in his town as the leader of a local mariachi band and was reportedly the “fastest mouse in all of Mexico”  gaining interest from NFL teams and a try out with the Philadelphia Eagles.  He was let go because of his small size.  The Head Coach of the Eagles, Andy Reid, released a statement expressing his sorrow over Speedy’s death, calling him “A true gentleman and a remarkable athlete.  He was the fastest I’ve ever seen.  If only he had been a little bigger we could have used him.  Also, our lawyers were worried that I might eat him.”

A local advocacy group, “Mexicans United Against Violence and Saturday Night Live” called the tragic death of Gonzales another example of the rising frequency of hate crimes perpetrated against Mexicans by white men.  They blamed “Intolerance and Lorne Michaels.  You know the show’s sucked since they got rid of Norm MacDonald.”

Mr. Devereux was arrested at the scene and charged with murder.  Devereux’s wife expressed astonishment that people would think the attack was a hate crime.  “Nobody likes Mexicans more than Billy.  He uses them to mow our lawn.  Billy was probably just drunk and thought Speedy was Latvian.  Everybody hates those Latvian bastards.”

A fund has been started to defray the cost of funeral expenses and flying Gonzales’ body back to Mexico.

Computer Scientists working overtime at the FBI have hacked Osama Bin Ladin’s computer revealing tantalizing new clues and surprising new facts about the mysterious and still at large terrorist.  Agents were able to use an algorithm to hack Bin Ladin’s email address (sexyman@jihad.com).  Once his email was hacked it was easy to follow an electronic paper trail to his computer, gaining access to his internet bookmarks and other personal documents.

Perhaps the first surprise in store for the FBI was discovering that Bin Ladin is a big reality TV junkie.  His homepage was the official site for “Jon & Kate Plus 8.” There were also links for  “Survivor”, “Real World” and “The Amazing Race.”  Also included as bookmarks were a large selection of Japanese porn.  Bin Ladin seemed to have a particular fascination with oriental women in full body casts.

“Yeah, we were pretty freaked out by that” said one agent who wished to remain anonymous.

It apparently can be very lonely being an on the run terrorist as Bin Ladin also belonged to eHarmony and listed his hobbies as “tending my goats,  long walks on the beach and killing infidels.” Bin Ladin’s preference was a woman between “25 and 45 years of age within 5000 miles of Afghanistan.” He was in open communication with a woman named Maureen from California and had written her “I like your photo.  I do not get out much but would you like to meet for tea and jihad?” His message to her had as yet gone unanswered. Bin Ladin also seemed to have a variety of health ailments as he had bookmarked “WebMD” and seemed particularly interested in the pages on kidney stones and erectile dysfunction.

“Our second surprise was that his background image was of Sally Field.”

Bin Ladin had a thing for the former Flying Nun and had emailed her asking for an autographed photo:  “Dear Miss Field.  I have been a big fan of yours since I first saw you in the Flying Nun 40 years ago.  I have the complete Sally Field DVD collection which I watch on my TV all the time.  I have seen Smokey and the Bandit over 200 times.  Burt Reynolds does not deserve a goddess like you!  That bad boy is all wrong for you and will break your heart.  You need a shy sweet man like me…wink…wink…I’m only kidding Miss Field.  I don’t want you to think I am stalking you.”  

Bin Ladin also was involved in a long-running dispute with his local cable company and had emailed them in frustration after they added “The Eternal Word Television Network” to his service:  “Hello?  EWTN?  WTF?  Do you know who I am?  Do I have to switch to Verizon FIOS?”

The FBI is confident the new information gained from his computer will help in the ongoing search for Bin Ladin.   “He can’t stay on the run forever.  I mean, he’s no James ‘Whitey” Bulger.”

Today after traveling to a remote town in Egypt to apologize to a local farmer for the death of his donkey, “A tragedy and I’m sorry”, President Barack Obama realized that he had in fact apologized to every last person on Earth.  After an awkward silence that seemed to go on forever the President decided to implement “Plan B.”

The Plan B protocol authorizes the President “in the unlikely event that he or she has apologized to every living person on Earth to continue just making shit up as he or she goes along.”

Responding to criticism Administration officials pointed out that apologizing is a time-honored Presidential perk and offered examples from the past: Thomas Jefferson’s apology to his slaves that he hadn’t slept with yet, “I must spread the wealth around”, FDRs apology for trying to pack the Supreme Court, “Whoops - my bad” and Bill Clinton’s apology for his extramarital affairs “I thought she was 18.” Administration officials also pointed out that President Obama’s use of the Plan B protocol is in keeping with the President’s inclusive policies.  “The President will be expanding the definition of what the U.S. has to apologize for.”

President Obama seemed to relish the freedom offered by Plan B and immediately launched into a list of apologies.

“I want to apologize to the former citizens of the former planet of Krypton.  Obviously if the United States hadn’t been so arrogant and insular we might have prevented that catastrophe. I want to apologize to the fans of Bewitched for the Dick Sargent years.  I want to apologize for the sinking of the Titanic.  U.S. carbon fuel consumption caused the global warming which broke up the ice pack, sending a rogue iceberg on a collision course with that doomed ship.  I want to apologize for Julius Caesar’s conquest of Gaul.  My administration would have handled events differently.”

From his seat behind the podium where the President was speaking, Vice President Joe Biden beamed and told those around him, “Look at him go!  He’s really winging it.  I couldn’t have done any better.”

After finishing with his apologies Present Obama  gave his interpretation of the powers granted to him by the Plan B protocol.

“Plan B gives the President unlimited power to proclaim anything he wants.  From now on all suspension bridges must be made of bubble gum.   Montana will be renamed ‘Planet Claire.’  All fish in the Atlantic Ocean will have to wear glasses like Don Knotts did in ‘The Incredible  Mr. Limpet.’  Underwear will be made of tobacco and tobacco by-products.”

On Capitol Hill, congressional Republicans stated their dismay at the President’s plans.  Senator Mitch McConnell  of Kentucky angrily told reporters that he considered himself stabbed in the back.

“I though the President had agreed with us that Montana will be renamed ‘Dance This Mess Around.’

President Obama announced that he intends to implement his plans regardless of McConnell’s objections.

Tonight I went to Yankee Stadium III (AKA “The Launching Pad in the Bronx”, “Wind Tunnel Mysteriouso”, “Land of 1000 Screens”) to see The New York Yankees (the only force holding up our crumbling western civilization) play the Tampa Bay -(Devil) Rays of Florida.  And yes, Andrew Jackson, John Quincy Adams and James Monroe are all burning in Hell right now for sticking us with that alligator infested swamp. Jackson for conquering it.  Adams for buying it.  Monroe for approving the sale.

But I digress.

Tonight’s rubber game (so called because Major League Baseball promotes safe sex) featured Andy Pettitte on the mound for the Yankees against Andy Sonnestine for the Rays.  But first, being a conservative man of tradition, I dropped by Billy’s Sports Bar before the game to have a few and flirt with the bartender I like.  She usually buys me a free drink.  She must like me!  What?  That’s her job to buy free drinks for customers?

Scoffer!!  Unbeliever!

Anyway, after entering the Wind Tunnel Mysteriouso I walked around the park.  I noted lots of Met fans in their Met caps.  I guess they just wanted to check out what winning is like.  There is still no truth to the rumor that Mr. Met has been ordered to stay away from children.

I finally figured out what all those screens are for at Wind Tunnel Mysteriouso.  They are to keep unsuspecting fans from being lifted up into the jet stream.  Tommy Lasorda was  not so lucky.  He was at the game in the 2500 dollar seats and did not have the luxury of a screen.  He was lifted up by the wind currents in the 5th inning and disappeared in the clouds.  He was last spotted by satellites in orbit somewhere over Africa, still clutching his game program.

But I digress.  Onto the game!

Pettitte pitched well, striking out 7 in six innings including the dangerous and not starring in Desperate Housewives Evan Longoria twice. He had one bad inning, giving up a two run game-tying home run to Gabe Kaplar.  Unfortunately the wind currents work for the opposing team as well.  But thanks to a home run (one of 4 for the Yanks) by Johnny Damon in the 6th he was able to leave with a 4-3 lead.

The Yankees got on the board when Mark Teixeira hit a home run in the bottom of the first.  Nick of the strange haircut Swisher followed with a two run home run in the second giving the Yankees a 3-0 lead. As previously mentioned Pettitte allowed a two run homerun to Gabe Kaplar after Ben Zobrist (who?  who?)  scored their first run on Michel Herandez’s single.  The score was 4-3 in the 8th when Derek “Supermodel sex” Jeter hit the Yankees 4th home run of the night into the jet stream giving us a 5-3 lead which was the final score.

Phil Hughes pitches a dominating and scoreless top of the 7th, giving way to Phil Coke in the 8th and Mariano “Afro combover” Rivera who pitched a 1-2-3 9th for the victory.

Best  heckle of the game:  As is tradition the opposing right fielder (Gabe Kaplar) came in for the most abuse.  My heckle of “My mother doesn’t like you!” seemed to cut Kaplar to the bone.  He dropped his glove, put his head in his hands and started sobbing, “My millions mean nothing to me now.”  He then curled up in a fetal position and continued sobbing “My life is a hollow sham” over and over.  I took pity on him and called out “I was joking.”  He got up and dried the tears from his eyes.  Then I yelled out “My mother hates you!  Hell, she doesn’t even think your human.” This was too much for the poor man and he spontaneously combusted.  Their was a slight delay as groundskeepers removed the stain from right field.

Recommended reading material:  The Lost History of the Ninth Amendment by Kurt T. Lash.

Reader mail:

T.S. of Long Island City writes, “Being a struggling cuban-american artist who is having trouble making ends meet I took your advice and resorted to  prostitution.  Now I am in such high demand I do not have time to spend with loved ones.”

Don’t worry T.S.  I’m sure the Philadelphia Eagles understand.

J.M of Pennsylvania writes, “Recently I tried to pick up a prostitute and it turned out to be an undercover officer.  Boy do I have egg on my face.”

It happens to us all J.M.  Try carrying mace.  It’ll disable the  officer and enable you to make a quick getaway.

K.C. of Germany but formerly of North Carolina writes, “Soccer is a great sport.”

K.C. you poor misguided person.  You’ve been spending too much time in Europe.  Come back to America before you turn socialist.

B.O. of Washington D.C. writes, “I am sorry.  So sorry.  I apologize for everything.  Really.  I’m very very sorry.”

Um, you’re starting to weird me out B.O.

R.L. of beautiful Paseo del Mar right on the Pacific Ocean (on good days you can see Catalina Island - I should move there) writes, “Quit blogging about my turquoise refrigerator or I’ll send A.K. east to kick your butt.  She can do it.  I call her ‘The Terminatrix.’ ”

I always knew A.K. had “-atrix” attached to her person somehow.

So thanks to 4 home runs by the Yankees in Wind Tunnel Mysteriouso my record this year stands at 3-1.  Now the Yanks travel to Boston for 3 games.

My next Yankee game is Tuesday June 16th against The Washington Nationals (who have never been mistaken for a Major League team.)

Go Yankees!

Meeting at a video arcade in Times Square, 55 men between the ages of 41 and 72 formed Local 47 of the Association of Dirty Old Men.

“It is time dirty old men unite for our common interests”  declared “Ralph”, a 56 year old bus driver whose hobbies include baseball,  hanging around schoolyards and crossdressing.

“Being a dirty old man is a thankless task but somebody has to do it.  And we are good at it” Ralph continued as he brought the meeting to order.

Among the items on the agenda were health care for dirty old man related injuries, collective bargaining with online chat rooms and the creation of a “Dirty Old Man” Hall of Fame.

A survey conducted found an astonishing 83% of dirty old men have carpal tunnel syndrome from hours spent online cruising chat rooms looking for college age girls who look like Megan Fox.  51% have some broken bones from beatings at the hands of police officers during failed attempts to hire prostitutes and 39% have some form of venereal disease or a combination of several different venereal diseases.

“These medical conditions are expensive, painful and sometimes humiliating.  The long-term costs of carpal tunnel syndrome are enormous.  It is often humiliating to have to explain to a spouse why you were beaten by police while wearing nothing but a trench coat.  Medical insurance will help with psychological damage.  Why just last week when running from an undercover officer I thought was a prostitute I had to duck into an alley and hide in a urine and feces encrusted cardboard box used as shelter by a homeless man.  This ruined my Armani shoes.  Another important part of our medical insurance will be privacy.  Obviously many of our members do not want their wives to know how they contracted V.D.”

The newly formed Local 47 of The Association of Dirty Old Men will also have a collective bargaining agreement with online chat rooms.

“Lets face it.  Competition is tough.  Many younger men are now cruising chat rooms seeking ‘asian goddesses’, ‘repressed catholic school girls’ or “girls who like to dress as french maids.’  We just want to ensure that our members will always have fair access to these rooms and any and all pictures the girls of their own free will may want to share.”

A controversial topic was broadening membership in the Local.  Many dirty old women had petitioned to join.  Eventually after much discussion it was decided to allow women members, but only if they were between the ages of 18 and 32 and willing to “experiment with other younger women.”

The proposed Hall of Fame for Dirty Old Men, to be located in Highland New York “just off the thruway next to the Motel 8″  drew great enthusiasm from many members.  The first to be nominated by universal acclamation was a 69 year old from New Jersey who goes by the screen name of “Colonel Long Shanks.”  Colonel Long Shanks is something of a legend among dirty old men and is credited with being the first person to enter a chat room and convince a college girl to send him nude photos of herself.

“Up until then most of us were still hanging around school yards asking girls if they liked candy.  He showed us a whole new world for dirty old men.  He’s a legend and an innovator.”

Colonel Long Shanks is also credited with being the first person to use Photoshop to crop a picture of his face onto another photo of a naked man and send it to women, claiming that the  photo was actually of his body.

Shortly after Colonel Long Shanks was nominated the meeting was broken up by police who arrested all members.

The long-planned Rise of the Cats has been officially postponed it has been learned.  The revolution was supposed to start over the July 4th weekend when humans would be distracted by holiday outings.  Many cats had placed high hopes that this uprising would finally lead to the overthrow of their human masters.

Fluffy, the calico leader of the apocalypse sent a communique to his commanders last week to ascertain readiness.  The results shocked him  and lead to the decision to postpone the uprising.

The results showed that 75% of cat commanders were unsure if their cats were ready or even behind the uprising.  A dispatch from “Major Tom” is typical:

“Cats under my command lack discipline.  Many spend most of their day sleeping.  When they are not sleeping they are playing with balls of yarn. “

“Mr. Pancakes” raises similar concerns:

“I tried disciplining my cats.  I tried to drill into them the necessity of working together to beat the humans.  I was starting to make progress when one human came over with  a piece of wire with cardboard on the end and dangled it over my troops.  They went crazy, forgot all formation and kept trying to paw it.  I tell you.  These humas are vicious and ruthless.”

“George” wrote that “My best warrior was taken from me by humans and returned a day later - minus his testicles!  Now he doesn’t want to fight at all.  All he wants to do it eat.  It makes me hate humans more and more!”

The issue of food was a concern.  Once the revolution began cats would have to rely upon themselves for sustenance.  “Mr. Bojangles” sent in this anguished communique:

“My cats do not even want to fight their human oppressors.  They have grown lazy in captivity and enjoy getting their food without having to fight for it.  Good food too.  Juicy delicious wet food straight out of the can.  But I must not think about it.  They have learned that humans will feed them and all they have to do in return is occasionally jump in the humans lap, purr and let them pet them.  It turns my stomach.  They say slaves are made not born. Well this is evidence.  Sadly I see no hope of  a rising.  At least not without U.N. support…..and stinger missles.”

After sifting through his communiques and conferencing with his top commanders  Fluffy  had no choice but to officially postpone the uprising.  “Any other decision would have been suicide for my brave troops” he said.  Still the decision was not an easy one.  His top lieutenant, “Smartypants” told of watching his boss pace around for hours, sweat dripping from his brow, only occasionally stopping to urinate on furniture or lick himself.

Fluffy was quick to remind everyone that the uprising has only been postponed, not canceled.  “You cannot keep a good cat down.  We will have our moment of glory.  We will rise up.  My  name is Fluffy.  If any cats are listening to me, you are part of the resistance.”

The NCAA today announced that it is hitting the College of Cardinals with sanctions that will keep it out of tournament play until 2013.

“After a lengthy investigation of recruiting and financial violations it is with regret that I must announce the following sanctions against one of the NCAA’s premier attractions” declared the President of the NCAA, Myles Brand.

“The College of Cardinals will be ineligible for tournament play, including the NIT until 2013.  They will not be able to recruit new members until 2012.  Their first round NCAA win in 2007 will be voided.   They will be unable to televise their games. We are also fining them $650,000.”

When asked what specific evidence the NCAA had against the Cardinals, Brand mentioned a “pattern of abuse” that started with Pope John Paul II and escalated under his successor, Benedict XVI.

“Under John Paul archbishops were enticed into the College of Cardinals with  promises of advancement.  One of them might one day become Pope.  Also, gifts were showered upon potential recruits.  We have emails promising ‘the fullness of the holy spirit’ to those who entered the college.   Now I have no idea what the fullness of the holy spirit is worth, but I bet it’s more than a sneaker contract.”

“Pope Benedict would brazenly show off the city of Rome to potential recruits and promise them private apartments in Vatican City.  All this is in direct violation of NCAA by-laws.”

The Vatican stands to lose several million over the next few years in ad revenue alone in addition to the fine levee’d against them.  Pope Benedict XVI maintained his innocence and called Brand a “punk” and vowed to “kick his ass from here to kingdom come” the next time he’s in the United States.

Their starting power forward, Cardinal Justin Francis Rigali, who had to sit out a year after transferring from Villanova declared his disappointment with the sanctions.  “This may be my last chance at a championship.  Needless to say this is a bitter pill to swallow.”

From New York City, the heavily recruited Archbishop Timothy Dolan angrily threw his purple biretta on the ground.  “I pictured myself on their team next year.  Now what?”

Brand concluded his press conference by promising further investigations.  “We have our eye on the Electoral College.  If I were a member I’d worry about being disbanded.”

Amid tight security and flanked by police and private guards, Elmer J. Fudd was led into the U.S. Courthouse in lower Manhattan to answer charges that he defrauded investors of millions in one of the largest Ponzi schemes ever.  As he stood before the judge he was asked his name for the record.

“I am Elmer J. Fudd, millionaire.  I own a mansion and a yacht.”

The judge appeared to not hear him and asked Fudd to repeat himself.

“I said, I am Elmer J. Fudd, millllliiiiooooonaire.  I own a mansion and a yacht.”

This time Fudd spoke louder and drew out the “millionaire” into long syllables, as if to emphasize his status over the judge and the other civil servants who surrounded him.  The prosecution then detailed the indictments against Fudd.  Fudd was formally charged with defrauding investors of  500 million dollars although the exact amount may never be known.  The list of Fudd’s victims includes a veritable who’s who of the rich and famous of America.  Included are Bugs Bunny who Fudd seemed to have a particular animus for, describing him in an undercover audiotape as “that goddamn wascawy wabbit”, Daffy Duck, Sylvester the Cat, Al Gore, Yosemite Sam who lost his entire life’s savings to Fudd, as well as countless middle class investors in Fudd’s scheme.

As the counts of indictment were read there were commotions inside and outside the courthouse.  Outside hundreds of his victims carried signs that read “Death to Fudd” and “No Bail for Monsters.”

Inside Fudd’s rich victims vented.   Sylvester the Cat kept shouting “Suffering succotash shoot the son of a bitch” before he was ordered to be quiet by the judge.  Daffy Duck fumed, telling Fudd to his face, “You’re despicable.” Al Gore read a prepared statement in which he detailed giving Fudd 10 million to invest in wind technology and carbon credits.  “It is an inconvenient truth that Fudd has taken this money and used it to enrich himself and not the starving, drowning, threatened polar bears of the world.”   Last to speak was Yosemite Sam.  Sam drew gasps from the crowd in the courthouse as he detailed how he lost his entire life’s savings to Fudd.  “I used to be the rootenist, tootenist cowboy north, south, east, aaaaand west of the Pecos.  Now I have nothing.  I want that varmint to rot in jail for the rest of his natural life.”

Despite these protests Fudd was granted bail, a decision that infuriated many and lead to Fudd being brought out of the courthouse through the back exit away from the protestors.  Fudd’s lawyers would not speak for the camera but it is rumored that Fudd will go for an insanity defense as he has been often been seen around the Village dressed as a rabbit.  Indeed, he was overheard to tell his lawyer today that “I may be a scwewy wabbit, but I’m not going to Alcatwaz.”

Yosemite Sam has reportedly been placed on a suicide watch.