Manhattan Infidel

Today a straight razor admitted that he is bi-curious.

“I don’t know how long I’ve had these feelings” he admitted.  “All I know is I can no longer in good faith call myself a straight razor.”

In a bizarre and hastily-called press conference the razor went into detail about his life and the many changes he has dealt with.  For years the razor had led a normal existence and every morning would be available to provide a close, smooth shave.  Then, last Thursday the straight razor went missing.  Rumors abounded that perhaps he was hiking on the Appalachian Trail or driving along the coast or even in South America having a steamy affair with an Argentinian woman.  But the truth was something no one had ever expected.  For the past 5 days the razor had been living in a time share on Fire Island with a Filipino  named “Jesse” and his 2 cats.

“I have known Jesse for a couple years. We used to communicate through email and one thing lead to another.  He invited me out to the Island.   I was deathly afraid of what might happen but I was drawn to him.”

The razor went on to describe 4 “blissful” days reading John Cheever novels, watching Tom Cruise movies and talking for what “seemed like forever.”

“We talked about everything.  Politics, religion.  Yes, even sex.  I had never opened up to another person like this.  When he touched my satin handle I felt all inhibitions leave me.  I felt free for the first time in my life.”

The razor went on to stress that nothing happened physically.

“There were opportunities.  We hiked in the woods.  We went antiquing.  We showered together and he dried me off so that I would not rust.  But I wanted to take things slow.”

The razor went on to apologize to his friends, family and anyone who had used him to shave their face.

“I realize that people may feel that I was not honest with them.  I understand their concerns and ask forgiveness.”

The razor then closed by saying that he will be going back out to the Island “as soon as possible to spend more time with Jesse and possibly bump into George Takei.  Who knows?”  

The previous owner of the razor, when informed of today’s events told reporters, “Yeah…..I think I’m going to grow a beard.”

Famous French skunk Pepe Le Pew has been sued.  The plaintiff, Penelope Pussycat filed the lawsuit in District Court today.  The National Organization for Women has filed an amicus curiae brief regarding this case.

According to those familiar with the case, Penelope Pussycat had previously filed a restraining order against Le Pew banning him from getting within 50 yards of her.  Le Pew reportedly violated this order on numerous occasions.

“My client, Miss Pussycat, is unable to sleep at night because of Mr. Le Pew’s actions.  He will not leave her alone and sends her emails and voicemails to her home and place of work.  She is on the verge of a nervous breakdown because of the actions of this obsessed and deranged Frenchman” declared her lawyer.

Mr. Le Pew for his part seems to be honestly surprised and hurt by the lawsuit.

“Sacre maroon!  I am ze locksmith of love, no?  Penelope she loves me.  It is love at first sight is it not, no?”

The last time Mr. Le Pew violated the restraining order he showed up at her office demanding to see her.   He grabbed her and called her his “sweet peanut of brittle” as well as kissing her and exclaiming “Come to me, my little melon-baby collie.”  Fortunately for Miss Pussycat her coworkers at no little risk to themselves were able to remove her from his grip, though several were overcome by the fumes.

“This Le Pew guy stinks.  I mean he really stinks!  Well, he is French” said a coworker.

The National Organization for Women (NOW) in its amicus curiae brief mentions that Pepe Le Pew is “…a sad and typical example of what women go through in this country.  Many women can relate to Penelope Pussycat and her struggles against a serial rapist - and let’s make no mistake - that is what Le Pew is - a rapist…………many men feel that their testicles give them a right to dominate women.  They are overcompensating for their bed wetting and latent man love.”

Lawyers for Mr. Le Pew maintain their client’s innocence.

“Mr. Le Pew looks forward to exonerating himself.  He is a good man.  A good Frenchman.  A good skunk with a big heart.  His only crime is perhaps looking for love in all the wrong places, looking for love in too many faces, searching their eyes and looking for traces of what he’s dreaming of.”

Mr. Le Pew’s lawyers are also trying to stop a video of their client in a deodorant factory dousing himself with perfume to disguise his odor from being shown on Youtube.

Apple, following up on the success of its iPhone has introduced the iCondom.  In a heavily-attended press conference, Apple CEO Steve Jobs announced the latest revolutionary product. Holding the iCondom in his hand, Jobs told assembled reporters that the “iCondom will make life dramatically simpler and more enjoyable for people around the world.”

“Everyone wants to avoid communicable diseases.  Everyone wants the convenience of a cell phone that will enable them to stay in touch with friends and surf the internet.  Well, now we have combined these two.  Before, if one wanted ‘hands-free’ communication one had to wear a bluetooth earpiece.  Now with the iCondom hands-free communication takes on a new form.””

Jobs talked about the many features of the iCondom.

“If you want to read a movie review, the iCondom has an app for that.  If you want to find a Chinese restaurant there is an app for that.  If you want to manage your finances, we have an app for that. If you want to work out around the house, we have an app for that.  And, if you want to have sex, the iCondom even has an app for that.  Not only does the iCondom protect against sexually transmitted disease, but you can Twitter on it!”

As photographers snapped pictures of the iCondom, Jobs demonstrated how it worked by placing it on his penis and then making a call.

“Hello?  This is Steve Jobs and I am talking through my penis.”

Jobs then invited some of the female reporters up to the podium to use the iCondom.  The first reporter used the iCondom to call her parents.

“Mom,  dad.  Guess what? I’m looking at Steve Jobs’ penis and it’s fantastic!”

The iCondom comes in many different sizes, colors and flavors.   There will also be a glow-in-the-dark iCondom which is due out in the Fall.

While reviews of the iCondom have for the most part been favorable, there has been mention of several bugs.  One beta tester complained that while wearing the iCondom his penis would break off in the middle of calls.  Another said that iCondom coverage was not available in many areas.  Still another said that it left him with a rash.  Women complained that they were not able to use the iCondom.  Jobs acknowledged all these bugs and said his development team is currently working on the iVagina, which should be ready by next year.  Reviewers were also taken aback by the high price of the iCondom ($900) and the fact that people who buy the iCondom will have to cancel their current wireless contracts.

Despite these bugs retailers are expecting the iCondom to be a big seller.

“We already have back orders for a month and it hasn’t even gone on sale yet”  said one retailer.  “With the economy the way it is we are looking for anything that’ll improve business and I think the iCondom will help us to keep it up.”

Today Al Gore gave a speech where he once again warned of the deleterious effects of global warming.  After speaking for 2 hours about greenhouse gas and rising seas Mr. Gore took his speech to a new level by bringing a small child to the stage.

“I realize that many criticize my findings and ask for proof.  I will now provide such proof.”

The child, 3-year old Amy Stewart  appeared confused at first and did not want to leave her mother’s side, clinging to her for support.  Her mother encouraged her to go to Mr. Gore, saying “Don’t worry honey.  It’s for the greater common good.  And the nice man has candy for you.”

Amy approached Gore’s outstretched hand and reached for the milky way bar he was holding.  After giving her the candy he asked her if she liked taking baths.  Amy shook her head no as the audience laughed.

Mr. Gore then addressed the audience.

“It is a fact that as temperatures rise, sea levels will increase, flooding coastal areas and leading to the deaths of thousands.  I will now demonstrate this.” 

He then brought out actor and fellow global-warming enthusiast Leonardo DiCaprio who grabbed Amy, stripped her naked and placed her in the bathtub.  Amy started crying and asking for her mother.

To demonstrate the rising of sea levels Mr. Gore had water pumped into the bathtub until it reached Amy’s shoulders.  As Amy sobbed he said, “The level of water in the tub now represents normal levels around the world that can sustain life.  But what if the waters should rise?”

More water was then pumped into the tub reaching Amy’s chin.  She appeared to panic and made attempts to get out of the tub but was held down by Mr. DiCaprio.

“Imagine this bathtub was New York City and Amy were one of its citizens.  Look at her trying to escape.  But there is no escape from the science of global warming” said the former Vice President.

More water was then pumped into the tub as Amy made a valiant effort to escape from Mr. DiCaprio’s strong grip. Finally she disappeared under the rising water.  Audience members gasped in horror as they watched her arms flailing.  Then, finally, her arms slid beneath the water.

As people filed out of the theatre many commented that they have never seen a more effective demonstration of the dangers facing humanity from global warming.

“I’m definitely going to buy some carbon credits now” declared one audience member.

The New York Times, which covered the event called the speech “brilliant” and the demonstration “a devastating blow to the skeptics of global warming.”

Mrs. Stewart, while saddened by the death of her daughter declared “This is no time to be selfish.  We must all do our part.”

Putting an end to decades of controversy, a leading scientist today announced that she has definitively found the reason glaciers retreated during the last ice age in North America.

“I have uncovered shocking new evidence that the retreat of the glaciers was not an orderly thing.  It appears to be hurried and downright panicky.  There is only one thing that can cause this.  The glaciers were afraid of intimacy”  declared Sandra Manhard of The Institute of Feminist Studies, Gender Displacement and Urkel.

“I took extensive trips throughout New York State and took photos from the air.  My first discovery was that several of the drumlins left behind by the retreating glaciers actually spelled out messages.  One said ‘You’re kidding. You want me to meet your mother?’  Another one said ‘Hey, we’re cool right?  We’re just having fun?’ ”

When asked the significance of this Dr. Manhard appeared exasperated.  “Do I have to spell it out for you?  The glaciers, like all men, are bullies.  They just plowed their way through New York State, carving up everything in its path.”

According to this latest theory, when the manly, bullying glaciers finally reached their terminus in what is now Long Island they were confronted for the first time with land that would stand up to them.

“Long Island women are proud and have a long history of standing up to man bullying.  Obviously the glaciers did not know how to react.  They could not form real relationships and like all bullies, retreated as fast as they could.”

Dr. Manhard showed a photo of a drumlin that she claimed spelled out “I’m so embarrassed.  This has never happened to me before.”

“You see!  You see!” she yelled.  “All the glaciers cared about was having fun.  Not settling down!   And when they were confronted with settling down they could not perform.”

When asked if global warming could have contributed to the retreat of the glaciers Dr. Manhard screamed at the reporter, calling him a “typical male troglodyte and disgrace.”

This is not the first time Dr. Manhard has presented controversial theories.  Last year she stunned the scientific community by announcing that the Big Bang Theory was false and the result of “Man Think.”

“That’s so typical of men.  They equate the beginning of the Universe with a giant male-dominated orgasm.  I have an alternative theory that the Universe was born amid a long, mutually consensual meeting of elements.”

Dr. Manhard then ended the conference by handing out copies of a new paper she will be presenting entitled “The Hockey Stick and The Penis:  Symbols of Male Dominance.”

When the Hubble Telescope was launched scientists hoped that it would be able to peer into the farthest reaches of space and make many discoveries.  But what Hubble has most recently found has astonished even the most jaded of scientists.

Christopher Scolese, Associate Administrator of NASA said “We were hoping to find dark matter, strong and weak nuclear forces, remnants of ‘The Big Bang.’  What we found instead was something we never expected.”

For on the farthest reaches of space, deeper than Hubble had ever peered before were found weird emanations that scientists were at first unable to discern.  Then in a horrifying instant they knew what they had found:  Chevy Chase’s movies had travelled at the speed of light into space and had attached themselves to stars, creating a destructive chain effect that will eventually rip apart the universe.

“Oh Heavenly Dog had attached itself to one galaxy, Under the Rainbow to another and Nothing But trouble had attached itself to a third.  It was bad enough having to watch these stink bombs when they first came out but seeing them destroy matter was more than many of  our scientists could take.  Several have gone insane.  Those who haven’t gone insane drink heavily, cut themselves with knives and watch The Joe Buck Show.”

While NASA cannot as of yet explain why Chevy Chase seems to be such a destructive force what actually happens is well documented.  A Chevy Chase movie travelling through space will find an unsuspecting star and drain it of energy.  Once the stars nuclear fusion is spent instead of becoming a supernova the Chase movie will absorb the star totally, becoming stronger and more dangerous in the process.

Even more frightening that this, NASA has found that the Chevy Chase Talk Show is swallowing up black holes, once previously thought to be the most powerful force in the universe.

“We used to think that nothing could escape the gravitational pull of a black hole.  What we found is  that the black holes are not able to escape the destructive force of Chase’s talk show.  We can see it literally ripping apart the universe and destroying all matter.”

Scientists had given the universe another 10 trillion years of existence.  But the newly discovered “Chevy Chase Destruction Phenomena” has drastically altered calculations.

“I now give the universe 10 years at most.  Frankly I’m scared.  Hold me please” murmured an inconsolable Scolese.

From California where he was busy devouring the San Andreas Fault Chevy Chase was quoted as saying “I must eat matter.  Chase must destroy matter” before plugging his new movie due out this fall.

Today’s scheduled conflict management seminar has been cancelled due to the untimely hospitalization of its instructor as well as most of the class.

The seminar was to have met at 6:00 PM when it was discovered that another group, “Citizens for Peaceful Coexistence” had also scheduled a meeting at the same time in the same classroom.

Shortly before 6 the first group from the conflict management seminar arrived only to find that the Citizens for Peaceful Coexistence had already started their meeting.  Several conflict management attendees banged on the door, shouting “Let us in you motherf$&*#$s” while others ran to a vending machine in the hall to buy cans of Red Bull to use as weapons.  Chairs were used in an attempt to smash the window and break into the room.  After several attempts the window was smashed and the conflict management attendees were able to gain egress into the classroom.  It was here that the cans of Red Bull came in handy as they were used as projectiles. The leader of the Citizens for Peaceful Coexistence was the first casualty, going down after several cans of Red Bull hit him in the groin.

Meanwhile the Citizens for Peaceful Coexistence had turned their desks over to use as cover and would grab the cans of Red Bull, shake them up, open the can and launch them at the conflict management attendees.  Several of the attendees were blinded by sugar in their eyes and fell to the  ground, disabled by their wounds.

After some minutes of a Red Bull induced standoff the conflict management attendees rushed into the room and brutal hand to hand fighting ensued.  Soda cans, pens, garbage cans and anything that was lying around were used at weapons.  Pens were gouged into necks, soda cans were shoved into mouths, garbage cans were used as clubs.  Even one attendee’s baby was used to hit the enemy over the head.  SWAT teams were called onto the scene.   Using full riot gear they advanced slowly from room to room until they came upon the rioters.

“I’ve never seen anything like it” said one cop.  “I spent a weekend in Camden, New Jersey once but that had nothing on this.”

Tear gas canisters were shot into the room.  Once the rioters were forced to evacuate they were promptly arrested.  Police entered the room in question to see scenes of carnage.  A Citizen for Peaceful Coexistence lay on the floor with his hands still around the neck of a conflict management attendee.  Shrapnel from exploding Red Bull cans littered the room.  The floor was covered in blood and in the corner a conflict management attendee lay mortally wounded, a flag pole inserted into his rectum.

From his cell a Citizen for Peaceful Coexistence told a detective “I would have killed them all if you hadn’t stopped me.”

Meanwhile the surviving members of the conflict management seminar are hoping to regroup and meet next week at the same time once they can find a place that will take them.  “We were going to meet at a bar but several of our members had conflicts and would have been unable to attend.”

With the trial of Fred Flintstone set to begin in a couple weeks, lawyers for both sides are frustrated by the inability to find 12 impartial jurors to decide  his fate.

“Everybody has an opinion about Flintstone’s guilt.  It would be crazy to pretend otherwise” says the District Attorney. “The first day we had 500 potential jurors rejected.  I knew it was going to be a long process when the first potential  juror we interviewed stood up and shouted ‘Fry the guilty son-of-a-bitch.’  We  had to reject him because he was Irish. “

After a few days of frustration where every juror was rejected it was decided to create a questionnaire for jurors to answer.  Depending on the answers they would then actually be called in to meet the defense lawyers and assistant district attorneys. The unwieldy questionnaire which reached  83 pages was designed to test the emotional stability and intelligence of jurors.  Questions included the basic “Can you objectively judge the guilt or innocence of the defendant Fred Flintstone”, “No seriously.  we know he’s guilty but we have to ask anyway - can you be objective”,  to the more esoteric questions such as “If you found a wallet with 1000 dollars on the street would you bring it to a police station or use the money to hire a hit man to kill your wife?” (The D.A. who is going through a rough divorce insisted on this question), and “Ginger or Mary Ann.”  “We didn’t want any Ginger fans on the jury since we all like Mary Ann and Tina Louise is such a bitch” said one of the defense attorneys.

Still, after 3 weeks of this the only juror seated was a deaf dumb and blind pinball player named Tommy. After a meeting with the judge, D.A. and defense attorneys it was decided to broaden the jury pool.  Instead of using only citizens of Bedrock it was decided to use people from further away. This too didn’t work as no matter how far away jurors came from they still had an opinion on Flintstone’s guilt or innocence.

People from other planets were even brought in but even Klingons and Romulans could not be objective.  “We had one Romulan tell us that everyone on the Romulan Home World watches ‘Access Hollywood’ so they were all familiar with the case.”

When it appeared that finding objective jurors would be hopeless a marine biologist from Bedrock University suggested the use of dolphins.  “It turns out dolphins are smarter than humans.  They are more logical and objective.”

To add balance to the jury it was also decided to use a few elephants.  “Elephants passed the mirror test.  They recognize their reflections in mirrors.”

So finally after weeks of  haggling a jury was finally seated consisted of one deaf dumb and blind boy, five dolphins and 6 elephants.  “It isn’t perfect but it’ll do” said the D.A.  “It is what it is. The deaf dumb and blind boy is stuck in his quiet vibration land.  But strange as it seems his musical dreams ain’t quite so bad.  The dolphins keep trying to hump the bailiff and the elephants really really go to the bathroom a lot.  I mean a lot!”

(To be continued)

Today several Canadian Geese testified at an F.A.A. hearing investigating the recent spate of bird strikes on commercial airliners.  One after the other geese declared their innocence and stated that their only desire was to  live in peace.  Several geese also mentioned that they have migrated to the United States for much the same reason as other immigrants, namely the desire for a better life, religious freedom and a more plentiful supply of worms.

However, J. Randolph Babbitt, Administrator of the F.A.A. was not satisifed with these answers and continued to grill the testifying geese.

“Is it not in fact true that Canadian Geese have brought down several commercial airliners? Most recently in the Hudson?  Is it not true that Canadian Geese are now terrorizing our airspace?”

Not so, declared the geese who blamed the airstrikes on “rogue geese” from bad backgrounds who are influenced by Eminem and John Candy.

This did not satisfy Babbitt who blamed “Canadian Geese, Canadian Football, Canadian air masses, Canadian Bacon and William Shatner” for the decline of American civilization.  “This used to be a great country before Canada declared war on us.”

Warming to his task Babbitt, in conjunction with The Department of Homeland Security announced that starting July 1st all Canadian Geese entering the United States must have valid passports and a note signed by a notary public that they have never listened to Eminem or seen a John Candy movie.  Babbitt also introduced testimony from a group calling itself Muslims United for Real Democratic Empowering Relationships (MURDER) stating that Muslims have lost jobs since the epidemic of Canadian Geese immigration.  “Geese are making planes crash.  That is our job!” declared MURDER’s president.

At the conclusion of the hearing several geese stated their disappointment at the new regulations.  “We will continue to come into this country one way or another.  We love the United States.  It has so much to offer.  And they have the best tasting worms in North America.”

Meanwhile, a flock of rogue Canadian Geese was spotted in a bar in Plattsburgh New York 60 miles south of Montreal, wearing leather jackets, smoking, putting Eminem on the jukebox and asking if there was a John Candy film festival nearby.  Police have surrounded the bar and vow to capture the geese “dead or alive.”

Coming off a 15 - 0 public spanking of the other team that plays within the confines of the 5 boroughs the Yankees (aka “The Forces of Truth and Justice”) welcomed the Washington Nationals for a 3 game set.  Now why Washington ever got a 3rd franchise I’ll never know.  The original Washington Senators moved to Minnesota in 1961.  The expansion replacement Washington Senators lasted less than a decade before moving to Texas in 1972.  The 3rd franchise ditched the name Senators (a noble profession in all but New York State apparently) and became the Nats.  But I digress.  On to the game.

The Yankees brought to the mound their big man (literally and figuratively) CC Sabathia  (5-4 3.67 ERA ) while the Nats countered with Shairon Martis (Who?  Who?  5-1 5.04 ERA.)  For the Yankees the man of the game offensively was Robinson Cano who went 4-4.  Defensively it was his BFF Melky Cabrera who stopped a Nat rally with an acrobatic dive in center field.

The Yankees got on the board first in the bottom of the 2nd.  After singles by Robinson Cano and Jorge “still an angry Spanish man” Posada Cano reached 3rd on a fielder’s choice and later scored on a Melky “I love Robinson Cano” sac fly. In the bottom of the 3rd an error by Nats 3rd baseman Ryan Zimmeran allowed  Johnny Damon to reach 2nd.  He later scored on a Cano single.  2- 0 Yanks after 3.

Sabathia was his usual dominating self except for the 5th inning.  After allowing singles to Gonzalez and Nieves he gave up a 3 run home run to 2nd baseman Anderson Hernandez.  3 -2 Nats after 5.  At this point a palpable unease settled over the bleachers.  Could the Yankees for the 2nd time in 3 games lose to an unknown pitcher after Fernando Nieve stymied the Yanks on Saturday?  Fortunately for Yankee fans, soon to be fired Nats manager Manny Acta brought in Ron Villone in relief in the 7th.  And Villone proved as effective for the Nats as he was for the Yankees giving up 2 runs in the 7th inning thanks to doubles by Mark Teixeira and Robinson Cano.  4 -3 Yankees after 7.  The Yankees scored an insurance run in the bottom of the 8th as Brian “KROD can kiss my ass” Bruney and Mariano Rivera pitched scoreless relief.  The only sour note for the Yankees was when Derek Jeter (who this blogger met the day before at the AMC movie theatre on 2nd avenue and 30th) had to leave in the 7th with tightness in his left ankle. (More bony supermodel sex apparently.)  I also watched my double Nick Johnson of the Nats    go 0 -3 with a walk.

Notes on the game:

Once again, lots of Met fans walking around the park.  Maybe ready to convert?

The Yankees in an odd architectural touch decided to let grass grow on top of the wall in front of the bleachers.  Unfortunately no one realized that grass has a tendency to grow. It is now almost reaches eye level.  Perhaps the Yankees just wanted to reinforce public perception of bleacher creatures as wild animals.  I did  feel at times like I was perched in the grass waiting to strike a graceful gazelle.  Actually since it was the Yankee outfield of Damon and Swisher it was more like waiting to pounce on a lumbering elephant or rhino.

Best heckle of the game:  After CC Sabathia gave up the 3 run home run that briefly put the worst team in baseball ahead I shouted “CC, get the next man out or I’m taking away your twinkies!”  The next man up, Cristian Guzman, grounded out 1 -3.  Sometimes, when dealing with a 290 pound man like Sabathia it helps to hit them where it hurts - the possible denial of delicious cream-filled chocolate treats.

Once again the roll call witnessed the competition between outfielders.  Johnny Damon gets down on one knee and points to the bleacher creatures.  Nick Swisher turns around and salutes them.  Not to be outdone, Melky Cabrera turned himself into pure energy and hovered over the bleachers to great applause, his dazzling white light warming the crowd on this typical cold miserable night.

Recommended reading material:  The Congressional Globe, 36th Congress, 2nd session, volumes 1 and 2.

Reader mail:

K.F. of Queens writes “Should I be worried about this eye that is growing on my shoulder?”   Only if it turns into Rosie Grier.

T.S.  of Astoria writes “I’m making a mint as a gigalo.  Should I go the W2 route?”   No.  You are an independent contractor.

L.K. of New Jersey writes “I have several bodies buried in my back yard.  Occasionally the septic tank overflows and the bodies rise to the surface.  How can I prevent this?”   Excellent question L.K.  I used to have that problem.  Now I bury the bodies in the neighbor’s back yard.  Let him worry about it.

So my record at Yankee games this year stands at 4 -1.  My next game is Sunday July 5th against the Toronto “We are from Canada, eh” Blue Jays.  Go Yanks!