Manhattan Infidel

CSPAN announced today an ambitious plan to increase it flagging ratings.   “We found that people watched CSPAN to cure insomnia.  Many Central American Republics forced dissidents to watch us as an alternative to placing electrodes on genitalia.  Dentists who were low on novocaine would put us on in hopes of lulling their patients to sleep.  This is not what we intended” says CSPAN’s new director of marketing Ted Daltrey.  “We were hoping people would watch us to find out how their government functions.”

Starting next week there will be drastic changes in programming and content.  Long shots of elected officials conferring with each other are out.  Scantily clad dancers are in.  Senators and representatives will also have to compete in physical challenges with losers leaving Capitol Hill.  “I’m very excited about that one in particular” says Daltrey.  “I think viewers will turn in each week to see who has been voted off.  It works for ‘Survivor’ and ‘American Idol’ and I think it will work for us.”

Casting calls have already been announced for the new “CSPAN Gold Dancers.”  “During votes and quorum calls they will jump up on desks, dance around a little bit and throw t shirts into the balcony.”

Also out are long-running series such as “America and the Courts”, “Booknotes”, “Q&A” and “Road to the White House”.  Replacing them will be “Senators and Hookers: An American Tradition”, “Tie me up Tie me Down:  Congressman and Pages”,  “Lincoln’s Black Lover” and “Capitol Hill After Hours:  Where’s the Blow?”

“We are also in talks with MTV about a joint production along the lines of ‘The Surreal Life.’  We think viewers will be fascinated by conservative republicans and liberal democrats living in the same house together.”

When asked to comment on the proposed changes, Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell said “I do not think this is particularly appropriate.  We are in a crisis situation and we need to move - did you say hookers?”  Democratic Senators Pat Leahy and Harry Reid could not be reached as they are currently following The Dead on tour.

Daltrey also announced that if the changes are successful they intend to expand their programming to include “Live from Parliament:  The Prime Minister and Amy Winehouse” as well as a new weekly mystery series entitled “Putin Kills Another Dissident”.

“I am particularly proud of our new slogan:  ‘CSPAN:  Power, Pleasure and Sin.  This is Not Your Father’s Capitol Hill.’ 

Notorious crime lord Jabba the Hutt was hospitalized today with what doctors are describing as an “extreme case of osteoporosis.”

Doctors are surprised that the 600 year old Hutt has been stricken, as being overweight usually is one factor in not contracting  the disease. “Let’s face it, he’s not svelte” says Dr. Lionel Train of County Medical.  “We even had to find a special bed for someone of his girth.”

However, Hutt does have several other classic risk factors:  Excess alcohol intake, consumption of tobacco, physical inactivity and hypogonadalism.  “We were doing a workup on the patient and discovered that he drank 3 bottles of red wine a day.  He’s a cigar smoker and when we asked him was his diet was he replied ‘burgers, burgers, an occasional kowakian monkey-lizard, and more burgers.’  That diet alone would explain the greasy discharge from his body.  Also, he is taking medication for his hypogonadalism resulting from the removal of one of his testes following cancer surgery.  Needless to say, Mr. Hutt will have to change his lifestyle if he wants to see 601 years.”

Mr.  Hutt  has several fragility fractures of the rib, hip and waist as well as severe radiculopathic pain with resultant reduction in mobility.  “I knew it was time for a checkup when I had Princess Leia wear that bikini.  God she was hot but I was in too much pain to reach out and slobber all over her” says Jabba.

Hutt’s hospitalization is the latest blow to inflict the once-omnipotent crime lord.    The Federal Government announced today that they intend to indict Hutt under the Racketeer Influenced and Corrupt Organizations Act (RICO).

“Mr. Hutt has engaged in a series of activities over the years that can only be characterized as racketeering” declared Attorney General Eric Holder at a press conference announcing the indictment.  “These include murder, kidnapping, bribery, extortion, drug trafficking,  money laundering and helping wookiees illegally gain entrance to the United States.”

Holder also announced that Hans Solo has been granted immunity in return for providing evidence against Hutt. “Mr. Solo for years was one of the top smugglers in the Hutt crime organization and his testimony will no doubt help put him behind bars.”

There are more problems for the Underworld Kingpin.  The Environmental Protection Agency is seeking an indictment against Hutt for eating kowakian monkey-lizards, which is a protected species.

Jabba the Hutt maintains his innocence and is confident the charges will be dropped.  “I’m just a businessman providing a valuable service for the masses”

From the 50 states, Canada and Europe serial killers from around the globe met in New York City at the First Annual Serial Killer Convention and Barbeque to discuss the future of their industry.  With much of the world suffering from the economic downturn the serial killer business has perhaps been one of the hardest hit.

“People just aren’t traveling as much anymore” says John Fisher, who claims 26 kills in 18 states over a period of 7 years.  “That’s where I get my victims.  I’d pretend I was a salesman and hang out at motels along thruways. My last trip I had nothing. The motel was half empty.  Not even any potential victims. And believe me, If I’m going to put on plaid pants and talk about roofing and siding for 3 hours I had better get some bang for my buck.”

Paul Jones who has 12 kills in 5 states over 3 years agrees.  “People just aren’t spending money.  My favorite ruse was to get a job delivering pizza.  You’d be surprised how many potential victims you’d find that way.  But now, people aren’t ordering out.  They are eating leftovers.   I don’t want to get mixed up in politics - I’m just a killer after all - but this stimulus bill better work.  My livelihood depends on it.  I have expenses just like everyone else.  And do you think I’m making money from this?  No.  I do it for love. ”

Money was one of the main topics of the convention with the first day being devoted to the pros and cons of corporate sponsorship.  George Adams (8 confirmed kills in 2 states over 5 years) comes down on the pro side of the question.  “It seems a little tacky at first.   But my sponsorship deal with Amway means I am able to go farther in my travels and further in my artistry.”

The other main topic of conversation (and sore spot) was continued competition from mass murderers.  “We are losing market share to these upstarts” claims Pete Young (5 murders in 2 states over 1 year).  “I go to schools and all the kids want to be mass murderers.  They are considered ‘cool’.  No one even talks about serial killers anymore.  We often spend months planning just one murder.  For us it’s about the art.   Mass murderers kill 10 people at once and they want our respect?  They are lazy.  That’s what they are.  I don’t even want to associate with them.  That’s how low they are in my opinion.”

The convention was uneventful until the 3rd day when 12 dead bodies were discovered in the hotel.  All victims were found in one room tied up with bullet wounds to the back of the head.  Police immediately arrested all participants in the Serial Killer Convention.

“You see what I mean.  This really steams me up” said Jones.  “They arrested us first, no questions asked.  I finally convinced  them ‘Hey, 12 dead bodies overnight?  That’s not us.  That’s the work of a mass murderer.  You should be looking in New Jersey for the culprit.’ “

The convention disbanded in chaos with plans for next year’s meeting unfinished.

“I’ll tell you one thing” said Fisher, “Next year we are meeting somewhere else like Detroit or Atlanta.  New York’s too dangerous.  A person could get killed!”

Keeping a campaign promise to meet with God, President Obama went to Heaven today.  Security was tight as Obama, First Lady Michelle Obama, secret service agents, a couple hundred assistants, his personal chef and 14 teleprompters were met at the the front gates by St. Peter.  It took an hour for the impressive presidential retinue to assemble in Heaven for the photo op.  Reporters noticed that it was God who reached out first and grabbed Obama’s hand.  President Obama did not bow to God.  Press Secretary Robert Gibbs said “The President bows to no Heavenly King.”

Reporters were quick to notice the difference between the two.  “Clearly Obama has more charisma.  He’s cool whereas God was the old uncool white guy.  Clara Bow was the “IT” girl.  Well, President Obama is the “IT” guy” said Campbell Brown of CNN.

Archangels, angels and saints lined up to shake the President’s hand and have their picture taken with him.  St. Francis seemed almost light headed after their meeting, telling anyone who would listen, “He’s green!  He loves my environment and my animals of the forest.  I sense opportunity for a new associational dialogue.  Normally Heaven doesn’t care about Protestants but Obama is different.”  St. Dominic,  while clearly just as impressed was more restrained, calling Obama “A clean cut articulate young black man………..he’s not a moor is he?”

The glamour, beauty and style of Michelle Obama also had many in Heaven talking.  St. Augustine was seen praying in a corner “Lord, make me chaste.”  The First Lady cut an impressive figure.  God, a lifelong bachelor, had to counter with Mother Theresa as hostess.  While clearly respected by all, she could not hope to approach the unlimited glamour of Mrs. Obama.

The meeting was not without controversy however.  God was reportedly miffed that Obama met with the Canadian PM first and waited until 3 months into his Presidency for a face to face meeting.  Anticipating this, during the Q&A session President Obama said “We……clearly…….um……..I think God understands……God understands  that……..that…..the President of the United States is a busy man.”

God insisted that there was no ill will and that he was pleased to meet with “one of the leaders of the western world.”

And then as quickly as it began, the meeting was over.  Pleasantries were exchanged and Obama promised to return next year “if circumstances dictate a visit.”

After the Presidential party left God expressed displeasure with his gift.  “I make him the second most powerful person in the world behind only Bono and he gives me a mix CD?  Granted, I do love Celine Dion but really……Amateur!”

In what will surely be a blow in ongoing efforts to rehabilitate its image, the LAPD today beat a Klingon warrior unconscious at a traffic stop.

Shortly before 2 PM officers of the LAPD noticed a suspicious Klingon Bird of Prey parked illegally on Sunset Boulevard.  “I ran its license plates and discovered that the vehicle had been stolen.  I approached and asked the occupant to step out of the vehicle and consent to a breathalizer test.  It was then that he called me a ‘t’gla’ whatever that means.  I wasn’t going to take any chance so I grabbed him by his pony tail and knocked him a few upside the ridges on his forehead. The perp went down immediately” according to Officer Moon.

“I then called for backup.  While I was waiting for them to arrive the suspect spat on me and called me a ‘piece of baktag’.  Well I didn’t need any excuse this time - I tasered him.  Look I ain’t apologizing.  He refused a breathalizer, was slurring his words and his face was all messed up.  I thought I was dealing with Mickey Rourke.”

After backup arrived police took turns beating the Klingon who was screaming ‘tohpah…..tohpah’ over and over.

Taken to the hospital the klingon remains in critical but stable condition with bruised kidneys and several lacerations on his forehead ridges.  Speaking from his bedside the victim’s lawyer told reporters “Sadly this is not an isolated case.  Clearly the LAPD has issues with people with pronounced foreheads.  I am asking for a $100 million settlement.”

This new beating comes on the heels of the embarrasing incident when the LAPD beat up Wendy the Snapple Lady, Florence Henderson and Vanilla Ice during a taping of  “MTVs The Surreal Life“.  That case is also headed to court.

Los Angeles Mayor Antonio R. Villaraigosa issued a statement promising to look into the incident while also pledging support for the police.  “Our police put their lives on the line every day and we must give them the benefit of the doubt.  Besides, they thought it was Mickey Rourke.”

From the Klingon Homeworld, the High Council called Californians “A bunch of miserable koruts” and promised to destroy the state as soon as they can arrange transportation off the planet for Mickey Rourke.

The tiny community of Bedrock was shocked today by the news that Fred Flintstone of Slate Rock and Gravel Company and his wife, the former Wilma Slaghoople have filed concurrent motions for divorce. Sources close to the couple say that there had been tension in the marriage for awhile now.

“Fred was a regular Joe, just a beer drinking blue collar guy who worked at the gravel company and  liked to bowl and play golf”  according to next door neighbor and good friend Barney Rubble.

But Fred had a dark side.  He had a serious gambling addiction and the mention of the word “bet” would cause him to disappear for days while he gambled away his paycheck. During one sad binge Fred brought his young daughter Pebbles to a poker game and tried to use her to buy more chips.  Flintstone was also ousted from his lodge, The Loyal Order of Water Buffalos after stealing funds to finance a trip to Las Vegas.

“That was a sad day” according to Rubble.  “I brought Fred into the lodge.  He was my blood brother.  I had to give the deciding vote to oust him.  I just wish I could have helped him.”

Flintstone also had issues with intimacy and had become unable to satisfy his wife.

“Wilma needed cuddling and emotional support” says Betty Rubble, wife of Barney.   “Fred wasn’t good at talking about his feelings with her. She also was tired of Fred’s insatiable sexual appetite.”  Wilma eventually started to refuse sex.  Flintstone would then take out his frustrations with prostitutes in Bedrock’s red light district.

“Yeah, Freddie was well-known around here” said one prostitute who goes by the name of Ginger.  “He would take us to motels and scream ‘I’ll show you some bedrock’ during sex.  He could get quite rough at times.  Some of the girls didn’t like that but me, hey, a trick’s a trick.”

Things apparently came to a head when he came home from work one day to discover his wife and Betty Rubble in bed together. Both were naked and listening to Melissa Etheridge CDs. Flintstone then chased them out of the house before taking an axe and destroying most of the furniture.  Police were called and tasered him before arresting him. Wilma then got a restraining order and Fred moved into a motel downtown.  Attempts at reconciliation were unsuccessful.  Wilma sued for divorce on the grounds of mental cruelty while Fred counter sued, citing abandonment.

“It’s a real tragedy.  I wish they could have worked it out for the sake of their daughter” stated Rubble.  “Relationships are hard work and I guess they just weren’t meant to be together.”

Speaking from Lovelock Correctional Center in Nevada, former football star and actor O.J. Simpson announced today that the long search to find the real killers of his ex-wife Nicole Simpson and Ronald Goldman has ended.

“It is my pleasure to state that I am in fact the real murderer” he declared as photographers snapped his picture.  “Hey, no one is more surprised by this than me.  I spent 14 years of my life looking for the killer and not once did I suspect that I might have had anything to do with it.  At first I thought it might have been columbian drug lords but that didn’t pan out.  Then I spent years tracking some guy from Lagrange New York called Fred. I followed a one-armed man I thought might have been the one until I realized that was just a movie I saw.  Boy that Harrison Ford is such a trip!  Then I thought the kid who delivered my pizza might have been the murderer until someone pointed out that he would only have been 4 at the time.”

What brought O.J. to the realization that he was guilty? 

“I was doing research for my autobiography ‘I”m O.J. Simpson and I Won’t Kill You’ when I started looking through my old calendars.  I found an item for June 12, 1994:  Buy beer.  Murder wife.  This surprised me as I don’t normally drink beer.  But there it was in black and white.  I’m a man of my word and if I wrote that I was going to murder my wife then I murdered my wife.”

Knowledge of his guilt has brought remorse to Simpson.  “I want to apologize to columbian drug lords and  the town of Lagrange, New York.  I also want to apologize to one-armed men, Harrison Ford and pizza delivery boys throughout this great land of ours.”

O.J. also said that he feels a newfound sense of inner peace.  “My philosophy has alway been ‘try anything once’ and since I know that I have already murdered I can check that off my list of things to do.  Trust me.  My cellmate and I get along much better now.”

Simpson’s only regret is finding himself back in jail.  “I find that I really don’t enjoy making license plates and the anal sex was more fun on the outside.  What I need is a good lawyer, like that Cochran fellow.”

When informed that Johnnie Cochran was dead, Simpson gasped, “No!  Well it wasn’t me!  At least I think it wasn’t me.  Let me check my calendar.”

Concerned that seats would remain vacant because of the economy, Yankee President Randy Levine held a press conference from his office deep within Hell to announce a series of perks that will be offered to those sitting in box seats.

“We appreciate that if our fans are paying upwards of $3000  they expect more for their money.” 

Levine then went into details.

“Security and NYPD who patrol the stadium have been instructed to strike with their nightsticks box seat holders only to the point of blood emerging from an orifice.”   However, said Levine, current policy of dragging  fans sitting in the bleachers beneath the stands and beating them until they lose consciousness will remain in effect.

Also, beer in box seats will be only “moderately watered down and not 95% sewage as in other sections.”

Levine went on to state plans for interaction between players and fans.   “It is important to us that customers  feel that the Yankees are ‘their team’ and respect them.  Accordingly, those sitting in box seats will get free golden showers from Yankee players on days when the temperature is over 90.”  Here he admitted Yankee laxity in the past. “We haven’t had a Yankee who enjoyed this since Gary Sheffield but the new kid Teixeira is promising.  The arc on his stream is a thing of beauty.”

“And I suppose we’ll have to give out a few baseballs to the fans” he continued.  “We already have an intern at work forging signatures.  We are also excited to announce that  during the 7th inning stretch a fan sitting in the bleachers will be chosen at random and strapped to an electric chair  at 2nd base.  Those in the box seats will have a chance to vote ‘thumbs up’ or ‘thumbs down‘.  If it’s thumbs down he will be executed.  Thumbs up and he will be sent to labor in our underground salt mines.”

A reporter asked him if that was constitutional.   An enraged Levine had one of his minions rip off the reporter’s arm and bring it to him.  Then with a “manly Yankee yell“  he drank blood from the arm and chewed on the tendons before throwing it away.

“What do you want?  We’re not the Mets” he screamed to terrified onlookers.

The press conference then broke up and reporters were ushered out the door and given pens inscribed with the number “27″, a reference to the Yankees continued hunt for another World Series title.

Earth Hour was intended to highlight the problem of global warming.  What it did instead was lead to a rise in criminal activity  throughout our area (with the notable exception of the heavily Italian section of Todt Hill in Staten Island).

At precisely 8:30 PM local time lights went out throughout the New York City.  Unfortunately in a bit of bad planning by organizers traffic lights were included.  Within seconds Manhattan was a scene of carnage and twisted steel as cars rammed into each other.  Police were at a loss for words.

“One car rear ends a car which is the plowed into by another car. Cars were piled up on top of each other.  Survivors were trying to crawl from the wreckage only to be picked off by still more cars.  It was like I was on the New Jersey Turnpike” says Officer Julio Rodriguez of the 13th Precinct.

After a few minutes when the last car left undamaged in the City was destroyed came the 2nd phase of the hour:  widespread looting and destruction of property.  Bands of thugs, murderers, rapists, and independent contractors roamed the streets picking off targets.  Jewelry was ripped off women.  Ipods were brutally snatched from hands. Laptops were taken, sometimes with stubborn owners still clinging to the carrying case.  One man had his wife stolen, though oddly he declined to press charges.

Many who thought that it could not get worse were horrified at the 3rd phase of the hour as in the darkness of Manhattan city streets turned into a giant groping festival.  Screams of horror rent the night as fondled and abused women ran for safety.  Bridges were clogged when women fleeing to the outer boroughs collided with middle aged white men desperately trying to get into Manhattan to join the action. The night’s low point however had to be when a man walking his white pit bull down 3rd avenue reported that it too was fondled.

“What sort of sick twisted individual gets his kicks from molesting a dog” cried the owner.  Speaking through interpreters, the pit bull said “I felt violated.  I felt humiliated.  I want it to happen again.”

New York City was not alone in its carnage.  In Paris the Eiffel Tower was stolen.  French President Nicolas Sarkozy said “We turn out zee the lights and poof!  Zee tower is gone.  We blame zee Germans.  We have given them 24  hours to return zee tower.  Then we will give them another 24 hours.  After that we will surrender.”

Precisely an hour later lights were turned back on throughout the City revealing scenes of carnage that horrified residents:  Overturned cars, buildings on fire, gangs roaming the streets.  “You would have though the Detroit Pistons won another championship” said one witness.

Mayor Bloomberg after touring the devasted city announced a 6,000 percent sin tax on Starbucks Coffee and the Sunday New York Times which he hopes will cover the damages.

This did not stop the local head of the World Wildlife Fund, which sponsored Earth Hour to declare the event a giant success.

“Next year we intend to expand it to ‘Earth Week’ “ he said.  However, shortly after announcing this members from the Todt Hill Social Club  interrupted the press conference, grabbed the WWF leader and placed him in a black car and drove off to Staten Island.  He has never been seen again.

A spokesman for the social club said “We have no idea what you are talking about.  We have never even seen the leader of the World Wildlife Fund.  Now why don’t you be a good boy and mind your own business?”

Amid growing concerns on the street after record-breaking 4th quarter losses, Lucifer announced today that he will be forced to cut back on Hell’s services.  Gone are the days of round the clock 24/7 flayings, pokings, dismemberments and other tortures by his minions.  Instead, the Region of the Damned will adopt a more streamlined 9 to 5 business model.  During off-hours condemned souls will now be forced to watch DVDs of Welcome Back Kotter and Mork and Mindy.

“I’m hoping it has the same effect as the flaying. It’s certainly cheaper.  I’m optimistic our residents will feel no appreciable difference in their level of torment” said Lucifer from his spacious office. 

I spoke with The Devil about the challenges that lay ahead.  “It’s getting tougher to turn a profit. People now just don’t want to go to Hell. We just aren’t considered hip anymore.  I used to be able to count on thousands of new recruits every year.  Now the wicked move to Martha’s Vineyard.”

In addition to the reduction in services, 2 circles of Hell will be shut down and rented out for corporate events.  “I’m hoping to bring in some new money from this.  As to where I’ll put the souls who are currently in them (the circles) I can temporarily offload them to Hollywood.”  When I expressed surprise at this he mentioned that there are already many former residents of Hell in Tinseltown.  “Three of the top five moneymakers last year were produced by demons.”

Other changes to be implemented include walking tours of Hell and reducing energy consumption by lowering the thermostat.  “I was hesitant about that.  I mean it’s supposed to be hot.  I want them to sweat.  But my accountant told me I could save $35,000 a year by lowering the temperature just 5 degrees.”

The walking tours will start in May and cost $50 dollars per person.  “This place has interesting topography.  It’ll make for good hikes.”  In addition there is no shortage of former Hollywood stars to lead the tours.  “We have Fatty Arbuckle…..Jimmy Stewart…..Dick Sargent……Flipper….that dog from the Our Gang series…….I’m sure the tourists would love a guided tour.” 

As to how the cutbacks will affect employees many are taking second jobs to make ends meet.  One told me “I still have this job, but my hours are reduced.  So I took a position at the DMV.  A friend of mine became a trainee at Wal Mart.  Another now drives a cab in New York City. You have to do what you have to do.”

Plans are also afoot for a name change.  “Hell doesn’t market too well anymore so I searched for something new that implied hopelessness and despair.  But my first choice was already taken.”

I asked him what that was.

“Long Island.”

Questioned about long-term prospects he remained upbeat. 

“I’ve been doing this for a couple thousand years.  C’mon…give me my due.”