Manhattan Infidel

Kris Kringle, CEO of SantaCorp today revealed a new pared down, streamlined business model for his struggling company that he hopes will enable him to compete well into the 21st Century.  Gone are many recognizable features of SantaCorp including reindeer, the famous sleigh, Santa’s red suit and personal delivery of presents on Christmas Eve to many parts of the world.

“It was a difficult thing to do” Kringle said in a press conference in Manhattan today.  “Change is always painful.  Yet I believe the steps I am taking will make us more competitive and in the end more responsive to customer needs.”

SantaCorp had been the focus of much public attention recently after the company failed to meet projections for the 4th quarter in a row.  That combined with a constant barrage of criticism from CNBC finally forced Kringle’s hand.  “That Kramer fellow got under my skin.  He doesn’t know what he’s talking about.”

In the most stunning move, SantaCorp will move its corporate headquarters from the North Pole to the more central location of Morristown New Jersey.  “I’d like to thank Governor Corzine for giving me the tax breaks that allowed me to make the move.  Production costs in the Pole were astronomical.  And it turns out no one really wanted to live there”  says Kringle.  Also out:  SantaCorp employees.  “From now on we will contracting out services.  This will save me money since I will not have to pay health insurance any more.  The contractors will have to work that out themselves.”

Kringle has also laid off his entire reindeer force with the exception of Rudolph who has been promoted to Vice President of Production.  His trademark sleigh has been donated to the Smithsonian (“A nifty tax break” according to Santa) and the red suit will now be replaced by a two-button gray business suit.

Personal delivery of presents throughout the world will also be abolished in the new business model.   Kringle admits that this was the most painful of all the changes.  “I loved that part of the job.  But it’s just too expensive.   Online ordering of presents is much cheaper and I can utilize my corporate account at UPS to ship them.  Besides, all those cookies left by children was bad for my cholesterol.  Getting flyover rights in countries was a hassle with new security concerns and last year I had some lady throw paint on my suit and scream ‘fur is murder’.  What can I say?  Times are changing.” Kringle then ended the press conference by promising that children will still have a memorable, traditional Christmas despite the changes.

However the last word is always the human face of change.  In the North Pole, police responding to reports of drunk and disorderly reindeer found Donner and Blitzen fighting with college students in a local bar.  “You want a piece of me you f—ing  punk” Blitzen shouted as he was arrested.  “I’ll kick your f—ing ass you piece of s–t.  I’ll cut you.  God help me  I will.”  A quieter but equally inebriated Donner when led away by police could only mumble, “What am I going to do now? I’m a reindeer and flying on Christmas Eve is all I know how to do.”

As their client sits in jail, Fred Flintstone’s defense lawyers held a late night strategy session.  How were they to defend him?  After all witnesses saw him holding the murder weapon as he broke down the Rubble front door.  Witnesses heard the shots and saw Betty Rubble run out of the house and collapse in the driveway.  Police arrested Flintstone at the scene with the murder weapon still in his hands. After heated debate the consensus was to claim temporary insanity.

A team of psychiatrists handpicked by the lawyers were dispatched to see Flintstone.  The results were not promising.  After subjecting Flintstone to a battery of tests that included word association, memory analysis, inkblot tests and a game of Operation, they came to the conclusion that Flintstone was sane.  Obsessed, but sane.

“During the word assocation every word we came up with he responded with ‘Kill that bastard Rubble.’  If we said dog instead of cat he would respond ‘kill Rubble.’  If we said white instead of black he would respond ‘kill Rubble.’ declares psychiatrist Joseph Story.

The group then moved on to memory analysis.  “We put the defendent under hypnosis and asked him some questions. We wanted to know if he remembered the crime and what he was thinking.  It turns out that not only did he remember the crime but that he had planned it out in advance.”

The inkblot tests resulted in the same results.  “Every inkblot we showed him Flintstone would respond ‘Looks like Rubble after I blew his f—ing head off.’ “

The psychiatrists then played a game of Operation with the defendent.  “We weren’t trying to gain any insight into Flintstone’s mental state with that one” admitted Story. “We were just bored and always liked that game.”

After the psychiatrists reported their findings defense lawyers reexamined Flintstone’s computer.  “We found things we missed the first time, such as bookmarks like ‘How do I murder my neighbor’, “So you’re planning a murder’, ‘The complete idiot’s guide to premeditated murder’, ‘Murdering your neighbor in 5 easy steps’ and perhaps most disturbing, something called ‘Manhattan Infidel’ “ says one of his defense attorneys.

After taking in the report of the psychiatrists, the lawyers reluctantly decided that the temporary insanity defense would not hold.  It seems that many more late night strategy sessions were going to have to be held before the trial begins.  But at least one good thing has resulted from this.  “Flintstone looks great…..really buff.  He told us he has nothing to do all day but lift weights.”

(To be continued)

Congress today authorized the selling of The State of Maryland to a private hobbyist for $13 million dollars.

“Frankly, we need the money” declared House Speaker Nancy Pelosi.  “I was rather surprised we didn’t get more but I guess with the economy the way it is prices are depressed. We originally asked for 2 billion and a couple Wendy’s franchises.”

With record deficits a bipartison commission was founded to explore ways to bring money into the treasury. After selling all male citizens between 21 and 28 was rejected as potentially unconstitutional the commission hit upon the idea of selling a State. When a study showed that Maryland would be the only state that would not be missed (small, swampy, humid) Congress immediately opened bidding and sold it to Frank Lonard from King of Prussia, Pennysylvania.

Lonard, 37, was estatic.  “I’ve always wanted to own a State. This will be an excellent addition to my collection of baseball cards, Pamela Anderson posters, Star Trek memorabilia and Pepsi bottles.  Although I would have preferred another, more valuable state like New Jersey or North Dakota,  Maryland will do.”  Lonard beat out a retiree from Vermont and Mrs. Paulson’s 8th grade english class from Milan, New York for the prize.

As to what his plans are for Maryland Lonard said  “Everybody is always complaining that owners aren’t picking up after their pets. People are tired of stepping in dog crap.  I run a dog walking business and I plan to turn the entire state into one dog walking preserve where pets can do their thing.  This will leave the other States much cleaner and people will no longer have to worry about where they are stepping.”

Reaction from Maryland residents was positive.  “As long as I can get ESPN I don’t care who owns us” was the reaction of one Baltimore resident.

Maryland’s Governor Martin O’Malley though was less than enthusiastic and ironically uttered “Crap!’ when informed of the sale.

After background and credit checks are performed on Lonard Congress expects the sale to be finalized by the end of the week.  “Just think” says Pelosi, “If we can get 13 million for Maryland we should be able to get twice as much for Massachusetts.”

In an effort to make itself more user-friendly, the Department of Homeland Security has for the first time since its inception announced changes to the Terror-Alert Chart. Gone are the old color coordinated “low” to “severe” levels.  In their place are newer,  friendlier levels that according to Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano will “Keep America safe while also keeping us relaxed.”

Replacing “Low” on the bottom of the chart will be “Relax and Watch Buffy the Vampire Slayer:  Gosh That Willow is Pretty.”  This level will denote no security threats to the United States.  “In this level, citizens should be at their most relaxed.  They can go about their normal lives as insular Americans with no concern about the outside world.  They should pay their taxes and let the Government monitor their internet usage” says Napolitano.

Replacing “Guarded” will be “Your Taxi Driver is Probably a Terrorist But You Don’t Want to Walk Do You?” This level means that citizens should embrace their free floating anxiety.  “That nagging nameless fear that  keeps you up at night and prevents you from embracing your loved ones?  Well, it’s real” according to Napolitano.  “Dark forces are combining against you and all your plans for the future are naught.”

“Elevated” will give way to “Everybody Hates You.  You Are an Arrogant American.”   At this level people should take antidepressants, watch Oprah or The View and perhaps try a macrobiotic diet.  “This will probably be the default daily life of Americans from now on.  Face it.  We are an arrogant people and must humble ourselves before the world.  If we do this they will like us and not try to attack us.”

The “High” level will now be known as “Veterans of Foreign Wars are Combining to Destroy the Government and My Job.”  When the DHS announces that this level is active Americans should support massive Federal spending and intervention into daily life.  “At this level we in the Government will feel justified in arresting all suspicious persons and suspending Habeaus Corpus.  First to be arrested will be people with blonde hair and blue eyes, or those who voted against the current administration.  We will have no choice since this level denotes that an active attack against the progressive values of the United States is under way.”

And finally, “Severe” will be replaced by “Aprende Farsi?”  If this level should ever be activated Americans should bow to the East and  pray to their new masters.  “There are many benefits to living under the rule of the Religion of Peace.  Muslims have made many historic contributions to society.  Granted, most of them were 1200 years ago but that is no reason to fear the new order.  Americans will notice little change in life except that women must be registered at the local mosque, will be unable to drive, must have their face covered and can only go outside in company with their husband” Napolitano said as she was whipped by local Imans.  When asked the purpose of the whipping she replied “I’m just practicing.  You never know when that level will be activated and I want to be prepared.”

The new levels will take effect after the Memorial Day Holiday.  As for the delay Napolitano answered “I should be out of the hospital by then and want to personally oversee the change.  God, who knew being whipped could cause such physical harm!”

Today the tiny seaside community of Paseo Del Mar in Los Angeles was horrified to learn that a bear, 2 wolves, a chipmunk and Richard Simmons in a brazen act of home invasion broke into a residence, ate the vegetarian occupants and then raided the stylish tourquise refrigerator drinking all the beer and wine as well as sampling several packages of yogurt before leaving in disgust upon finding no television in the house.

 ”We’re seeing more and more of this” says Dr. Ralph Gleason, Professor of Wildlife Studies at USC. “As the natural habitat of wild animals is encroached upon they come into closer contact with humans in their search for food.  Bipedals will simply have to stop being  so arrogant.  We do not own this Earth and must share it with other animals.”

As to why vegetarians were targeted Dr. Gleason responds “It was probably just a tragic coincidence.  I’m sure the animals did not realize they were eating nonmeat eaters who posed no threat to them.”  He further speculated on why bears, wolves and chipmunks would be traveling in a pack together.  “Normally the chipmunk would be eaten by the wolves who in turn would be eaten by the bear.  Perhaps they have learned to put aside their differences and work together for a common goal.  If only humans would learn to do this.”  Commenting on the presence of Richard Simmons in the pack he said “That does seem odd” before pointing out precedents such as in 2005 when Alec Baldwin roamed Long Island with a pack of ferrits.

Appearing that night on Jimmy Kimmel Live, the bear involved in the home invasion said “We only eat vegetarians now.  They taste better than meat eaters - not nearly as greasy.  Besides you have to love the irony.  Usually as we are eating them they will say ‘oh I get it.  Good one!’ or something like that.”

The bear was asked about Richard Simmons.  “He’s been following me around for months now.  He thinks I’m fat so after I eat he makes me do calisthenics.  He’s starting to freak me out.  I’d eat him but who knows where he’s been if you know what I mean.”

When asked how humans can avoid being eaten by bears he replied “Eat meat” to cheers and laughter from the audience.

As to what is next for the bear, “I’ll probably just roam through California breaking into homes, eating people and watching television.  I’m a big fan of ‘Lost’ you know.  But if I had my choice, what I really want to do is direct.”

Manhattan’s infamous flasher was finally caught today.  For the past few weeks citizens have been terrorized by an ugly man in dark glasses and bandages who flashed himself at local fast food restaurants.

“I was ordering a cheeseburger when a man approached me” said the first victim.  “He was wearing a trenchcoat and his head was covered in bandages.  I thought maybe he was just too ugly to show his face.  And being a big Neil Young fan I was very excited to meet him.  I was going to ask for an autograph when he opened up his coat and said ‘Do you like?’   I screamed and ordered a cheeseburger.”

Police interviewed eyewitnesses and immediately put out an all points bulletin for “a man in bandages who is too ugly to show his face.  Might be Neil Young.”

The next day at another fast food restaurant the flasher struck again.  “He  opened up his trenchcoat and I saw nothing.  The guy was invisible except for a sock which he had around his midsection.  He asked me if I liked to ‘play with sock puppets.’   I screamed and ordered a cheeseburger.”

Police put all fast food restaurants under surveillance in hopes of catching the flasher.   Extra special sauce was ordered to disable the culprit.  “We knew he was exposing himself and that he was very ugly so we contacted the Canadian Embassy and told them we were looking for Neil Young” according to Police Chief Ray Kelly.

The dragnet at first yielded nothing but false alarms.  “We grabbed an ugly man we thought might be him. Turns out it was that guy from Anthrax. We apologized for tackling him and  gave him a cheeseburger. Then we grabbed a guy in bandages and threw special sauce on him until he begged for mercy.  But it wasn’t Neil Young either.”

Finally as police were ready to call it a night the flasher showed up. “He fit the description and had bandages all over his face.  He tried to escape but a detective grabbed him by his sock puppet and held him down until we were able to handcuff him.  We brought him to the precinct and threw him in a cell.  He kept insisting he was an invisible mad scientist and not Neil Young but we were prepared.  We had David Crosby identify him and then we gave him a cheeseburger.”

The DA plans to charge the suspect with multiple counts of flashing, sock puppetry from a private member and public ugliness.  Neil Young released a statement saying “The man in custody is not me.  Have you checked Stephen Still’s whereabouts?”

With Congress’ mandated switch to digital television weeks away attention has shifted to those most vulnerable to losing their television signal - the millions of cats and dogs who, lacking opposable thumbs, will not be able to set up converter boxes.

“S”, a short haired calico voices complaints that are typical of many cats.  “I had the converter box delivered and now what?  I’ve been sitting here staring at it for hours.  It’s driving me crazy.  I can’t lick myself.  I can’t sit on the window sill. I mean, all I want to do is watch ‘Gossip Girls.’ “

For dogs the problems are similar.  “Okay, I got the instructions but I can’t read.  Now what?  That’s so typical of humans.  No consideration for those of us who don’t walk on two legs.  The game’s about to start and I got friends coming over.  I mean, whose crotch do I have to sniff to get something done” says one dog. Many sports loving dogs have resorted to pressing their noses up against the windows of the ESPN Zone in midtown hoping to catch the latest scores.

A waiter at the ESPN Zone says that he first noticed the dogs hanging out a couple weeks ago.  “They come right up to the window and peer in.  Not only does that freak out the customers but then we have to clean the windows.  We’ve had packs of dogs rush in when the door is opened and try to get a seat at the bar closest to the TVs.  This is dangerous because dogs aren’t good on bar stools.  They keep sliding off.  Then to top it off when I ask for I.D. they bite me.  It’s like they’re college students or something. I tell you this digital conversion is not worth the trouble.”

Responding to complaints the House has passed a bill mandating that all digital converter boxes must be accessible to those without opposable thumbs and be bacon-flavored.  This bill was rejected by the Senate  which has an accessible converter box bill of its own stating that all boxes must be made out of giant balls of yarn.  A special committee has been formed to iron out the differences between the two bills.

Not waiting for congressional action, thousands of dogs have scheduled a protest march on Washington for the 29th.  The march, called the “Million Paw March” will demand instructions be written in dog language.

Police say they are ready for trouble.  “We have pepper spray to disable them and if that doesn’t work bacon to distract them” says Metropolitan Police Chief Cathy Lanier.

Cats have planned their own protest, “Night of 1000 scratches” set for a week later.

Bugs Bunny, popular Warner Brothers cartoon character of the ’40s and ’50s has died.  He was 92.  Born Yankel Mordecai Bunnystein in Manhattan’s lower east side to Hungarian immigrants, Bugs got his start in the 2nd Avenue Yiddish Theatre.  After building a local following with his wisecracking persona and trademark line of  “Oy ve, what’s up with the meshugana doc?” Bunny moved to Hollywood at the outbreak of World War II.

“Bugs was very ambitious.  Many of Tinseltown’s top acts had been drafted or gone into the service so he saw this as his opportunity to fill the void”  declares  George Shotton, author of “The Lost Souls: Hollywood’s Warner Brothers Cartoon Characters and the Struggle for Assimulation”.

Shortly after arriving in Hollywood and signing a contract at Warner Brothers, Bug’s trademark line was shortened to the now recognizable “What’s up Doc?”.  “The story behind that was Jack Warner was walking through the set one day and heard Bugs.  Concerned that his new talent would be perceived as too Jewish, Warner had him shorten the line.  Warner also had Yankel change his name to Bugs Bunny and enter the Episcopal Church.  A lot of people in New York never forgave him for that.  They felt that he ‘gentiled up’ for the sake of his career.”

This was unfair claims Shotton.  “Bugs made sure that many of the people he worked with in theatre were signed by Warner and given careers in Hollywood. He used to joke that they were his ‘jew crew’.  He even got work for Pat Sheridan, aka Yosemite Sam, the lone irish member from New York.   He was very loyal to them and in fact was the only one who stood by Porky Pig during Pig’s rape trial in the late ’50s.  When Porky committed suicide in prison it was Bugs who asked for the body and paid the funeral costs.”

While this was going on Bug’s career blossomed.  Bunny became the top grossing artist at Warner and was soon seen about town dating Rita Hayworth.  He also was active politically and campaigned for Adlai Stevenson when Stevenson ran for President.

With the advent of the 1960s times and tastes changed.  Bugs found himself without a contract and out of work.  He tried his hand at TV, hosting his own talk show for several years. After initial success ratings for his show declined.  Shotton states that it was in part because Bugs didn’t understand the counterculture movement and the changes that were happening in the world.  “Bugs said he found it difficult to bring young guests onto his show as he just did not know what to say to the rock and roll crowd.”  The end of his show came after the infamous appearance by John and Yoko where an impatient Bunny threw his ash tray at the duo and stormed off the set when Yoko asked him to plant an acorn for peace.

He retired after that and from then on only made a few appearances on the Jerry Lewis Labor Day Telethon, preferring to devote his energies to playing golf and rooting for the Dodgers.  Despite his retirement Bunny found himself  in the news again after suing several hip hop artists for copyright infringement when they started using the phrase “What’s up motherf*&#$*#%”.  He lost that case and spent his final years as a recluse, staying in his  mansion and cursing at tour buses.

Funeral plans are as yet unknown.

It was the best of times.  It was the worst of times.  It had Jorge Posada.  It had Carl Pavano.  And, as all civilized people (aka Yankee fans) know, Carl Pavano is the face of evil. Today your humble correspondent attended my first Yankee game at The House that the Taxpayers of New York Payed For.

What can one say about the New Yankee Stadium?  The food selection in the bleachers was certainly better.  Instead of the usual burnt sausages and burnt hot dogs we could actually choose pizza, heros (subs to you upstaters), and other prewarmed culinary treats.  And, for the first time in 10 years, beer was available in the bleachers. Beer was 10 dollars.  I refused to pay this price.

I bought two.

Okay, I bought four.  But I didn’t enjoy it.  It was the principle of the matter.

My seat was in Section 203 Row 1 Seat 11 (Section 39 in the old stadium).  Despite being in the first row of the bleachers, I was not to my disappointment in the first row.  For you see, the designers of the House That the Taxpayers of New York Payed For decided to put box seats in front of the bleachers. On the bright side, this did make it easier to heckle box seat holders.  I only had to lean forward.  And, potentially, the opportunity to vomit on box seat holders does exist.  I did not do so at this game, but vomiting on box seat holders is much like the Constitution of the United States:  often ignored but  potentially a powerful force for freedom.

As long as I’m bitching, in the old stadium the bleachers were segregated from the rest of the stadium.  We had our own entrance and the rest of the stadium could not access the bleachers.  In the new stadium anyone sitting anywhere can walk through the bleachers.  Bleachers are sacred territory and they are now being desecrated by box seat holders.  Now I know how Southerners felt during the War of Northern Aggression when Yankees invaded the sacred soil of the South.

Before the game I bought a program for $10.  The man who was selling programs was wearing a ski mask and had a gun.  It turns out it was Carl Pavano.   I guess the man just enjoys stealing from Yankee fans.

Anyway, on to the game.  Carl “Ow…… my ass” Pavano started for the Cleveland Native Americans against A.J. “I have to follow Chien-Ming Wang?  Jesus!’ Burnett.  Pavano, proving that God has a sense of humor, actually pitched decently for the Native Americans, not giving up a hit until the 4th inning.  Fortunately God is stronger than Satan (except in Boston) and Pavano was gone by the 6th. With the score Cleveland 3 and the Yankees 2 Jorge “I’m an angry spanish  man, gringo” Posada pinch hit for Jose “also an angry spanish man, gringo” Molina and hit a 2 run home run to put the Yankees permanently ahead.  Granted the home run was controversial and merited instant replay but fortunately the umps decided in the Yankees favor.  As icing on the cake, Cody, “This will be my only hit all year” Ransom hit a seeing eye double that cleared the bases.  Final score:  Yankees 7 Native Americans 3.

Best heckle of the night:  I tried, I did.  My heckle of Native American right fielder Ryan Garko, “Hey Garko, I’m sure your parents made many sacrifices for you and everything you are now is a result of their love” just didn’t seem to cut it.  I’ll try better in the future.

After the game as I was in the men’s room washing my hands Carl Pavano stole my soap.  I asked him why?  “I can’t help it.  I just  enjoy stealing from Yankee fans.”  Like I said.  Carl Pavano is the Antichrist.

Mailbag:

Andrejs P. of Poughkeespie NY writes, “I run a small landscaping business.  Recently at a millionaire client’s house I used their bathroom for a no. 2 and didn’t flush the toilet afterwards.  Should I feel guilty?” Definately not Andrejs P.  Good work young man.

Daniel B. of Mt. Holly NJ writes, “Recently while spinning up my FTL drive for a cruise around the galaxy I was struck by the smallness of Earth from space.  We are all made from the same star dust.  Surely all humans can work together in peace and harmony.  What say you to that?”   My response:  F—ing liberals!

Jimmy the Hat from beyond time and space writes, “I like to keep the skulls of ex lovers in my refrigerator.  Is this wrong?”  Good question Jimmy.  The answer is no.  Keeping skulls in one’s refrigator is a time-honored American tradition.  My only concern is are the skulls soaked in saline?  If not they will decompose. I suggest getting a giant  pickle jar (you can’t buy them in New York….go south to Maryland) and buy one.  The skull will fit in the saline-filled jar and give many moments of  pleasure without having to worry about decomposition.

So my record stands at 1 -0.  My next game would have been April 30th but since I will be engaged in a rent-paying activity will be unable to attend the game.   My next game is Monday May 4th against the dreaded Red Sox.  Go Yankees!

Barney Rubble was murdered last night in his home in Bedrock.  Police immediately arrested former neighbor Fred Flintstone.  Witnesses heard shots and screams shortly after 1 AM.  Rubble’s wife Betty ran outside screaming “Fred’s shooting us” before collapsing in the driveway, blood gushing from her bullet wounds.  Police arrived within minutes and cordoned off the street.  Police did not know if anyone else besides the shooter was in the house.    After ascertaining there were the Bedrock SWAT team shot tear gas canisters into the house before storming inside.  Once in they found a scene of carnage.  Rubble was slumped over his desk with bullet wounds to the head, chest and groin.  Wilma Flintstone, estranged wife of shooter Fred Flintstone had wounds to her chest and abdomen but was still alive.  Police were able to overpower Flintstone who was weeping and shouting “I just want Wilma back.  Wilma!  Yabba-dabba doo.  Wilma I love you.” Betty Rubble and Wilma Flintstone were rushed to a local hospital.  Betty Rubble died of her wounds shortly thereafter but Wilma Flintstone remains in critical condition.

Bedrock detectives were able to piece together events that lead to the shooting. Fred and Wilma Flintstone had recently separated with Fred living downtown. Anonymous sources cited  “sexual incompatibility” as the reason for the split.  Wilma meanwhile rented out the house she had shared with her husband and moved in with the Rubbles.

“It’s no secret that the three of them lived together in an open relationship.  Barney used to brag about sharing Betty and Wilma” said one neighbor. Rubble also was head of a local swingers club and held “key” parties at his residence.  As Rubble’s last key party progressed Flintstone parked across the street, sullenly waiting, shotgun in his lap.  Then, at 1 AM when the others left, Flintstone exited his vehicle  and walked towards the Rubble residence.  He shouted “You took my wife Rubble you bastard.  You were my friend and you took my wife” before breaking down the front door.  He fired 3 shots point blank into Rubble before turning upon his wife Betty.  “He took my wife and now I’m taking his” he said before shooting her and reloading.  Wilma Flintstone barricaded herself in the bedroom and called 911. Fred Flintstone eventually broke into the room and grabbed her, screaming “Why did you do this to me Wilma?  I love you.  Please come home with me.”  When rebuffed he emptied the final rounds into her.

When police had sorted it out two were dead and a third was clinging to life.  But perhaps most tragic of all is the sad, solitary, cautionary figure of Fred Flintstone who, minus belt and shoelaces, remains under a 24 hour suicide watch in his jail cell.  Sources say that Flintstone will not eat and only mumbles “Wilma…..Wilma…..yabba dabba doo……Wilma I love you.”

(To be continued)