What could possibly go wrong?

A soccer-loving man who planned to dribble a soccer ball from Seattle Washington to Sao Paulo, Brazil to watch the 2014 World Cup was run over and killed in Lincoln City, Oregon just 14 days into his journey.

The man, whom local police refer to as “The soccer loving idiot” was dribbling his blue soccer ball along the side of the road when he was hit from behind by a 1995 Nissan pickup.

The soccer-loving idiot, described as an unemployed father of two who lost his job last year as a graphic designer had said that his lifelong goal was to go to the World Cup.

“Sad, really” said one of the policeman who found his body.

An American whose lifelong goal was to go to some so-called world cup where a bunch of Europeans and South Americans beat the crap out of each other while watching an incredibly boring game?  I can only surmise he had mental health issues.  Or was a member of al Qaeda. Or maybe his father was cruel and never took him to a baseball game or played catch with him.

His former employer shares the following anecdotes about the soccer-loving idiot:

He was one of my graphic designers.  But he never seems to design anything.  All day long he just drew soccer balls and talked about how much he loved soccer.  He never made any deadlines.  I used to ask him, “Have you finished the project?” and he would say no and then talk to me for 20 minutes about how much he loved soccer.  I should have fired him earlier but the only reason I kept him around was that as a soccer lover I assumed he spoke Spanish.  I have lots of foreign customers so I made him my “go to” guy.  It turns out the only Spanish phrase he knew was “Watch me play with my balls.”  I lost a lot of customers because of him.

The soccer-loving idiot had asked for donations on his web site to be able to complete the trip to Brazil.  His last entry was “What could possibly go wrong?”

Apparently many things went wrong from the start.  On his second day of dribbling his soccer ball he was stopped by State troopers suspicious of his blue ball.

He kept saying he loved football.  But that didn’t look like a football he had on him so naturally we beat him up and threw him in jail.

But the end finally came on his 14th day when the soccer-loving idiot, dribbling his blue ball too close to the shoulder of the road was run over.

When it was discovered that the person run over was a soccer lover, the town gave the man who ran him over the keys to the city.

“It seemed like the least we can do for such a hero” said the Mayor.

Congress is said to be considering a ban on so-called “assault soccer balls.” 

“It’s for the children” said a congressman. (64)

Non-Intimacy between teachers and students will not be tolerated!

Parents, fellow teachers and school administrators are dealing with the fallout after a popular high school teacher admitted that she hasn’t slept with any of her students.

“Teenage boys just aren’t my thing” she told shocked colleagues.

The principal of the teacher in question has asked for calm and sent out a letter to parents that said in part:

Just because one teacher doesn’t sleep with her student doesn’t mean that our school doesn’t maintain the highest standards.  On behalf of the entire district I would just like to say that I will be available to address any of your concerns.  So please drop by my office.  Especially if your are a MILF.  And you like it rough.

Students in the troubled school immediately held a candlelight vigil.  Many held up handmade signs with messages such as “Celibacy is not one of our values” and “We are sorry America.”

Several of the students were interviewed by television reporters.

“I hope that this doesn’t make us appear backward or stupid” said one.

Another student, choking back tears complained that her life was over.

“How can I ever get a job now?” she said.  “I can’t put on my resume that I attended this school. I’m so ashamed.”

The president of the student body talked about the core values of the school.

I’ve slept with all of my teachers.  And not even just to improve my grades.  I did it because I enjoyed it.  And I’m proud to say that I only caught the Clap on one occasion.  I think that is the message we should be sending to the rest of America.  Our school stands for consensual sex without communicable diseases.  And a high standard of education.  But mainly hot sex between teenagers and teachers.  In that respect we are in the mainstream of American values.

The administrator of the school district talked about the economic repercussions of the teacher’s decision to not sleep with her students.

The town voted down the school budget.  Apparently they thought that their taxes were already too high.  Teabaggers!  So we have to raise money another way.  I was in talks with MTV about doing a reality show here called “MILFs Teachers and Their Pets” but now that the word has gotten out that one of our own refused to sleep with a student that deal is off.  I haven’t been so upset since we didn’t have that school shooting last semester.  That would have brought in money too!

As for the teacher in question, who has been dubbed a “sexual refusenick”, she has been placed on administrative leave.

“It’s for the children” said the principal. (159)

We have goats, llamas, geese and ducks. One thing is missing, Mr. Infidel…….

Sometimes being a world-famous blogger my mugshot is in every precinct in the Northeast has decided advantages.  The other day I received an invitation in the mail from none other than power couple Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie “requesting the honor of your presence” at their estate in France.  Needless to say I jumped at the offer.  It isn’t every day that one has the opportunity to have an intimate encounter with Hollywood royalty.

At least not within 100 feet of them per the court order.

So I renewed my passport, bought my plane ticket and was off to France.

The famous duo’s personal driver met me at the airport and drove me to their farm.  Once my bags were led to my room it was time to meet Brad and Angelina.  I was ushered into the main waiting room where both were sipping their home made wine.  Brad was the first to address me.

“Welcome to France, Mr. Infidel.”

Angelina simply nodded at me and let her husband do the talking.

“You’re probably wondering why you are here?” he asked me.

“I assume I’m here to interview the both of you.  Would you like to be interviewed together, or separately?” I responded.

They both laughed at my question.

“No Mr. Infidel.  You are not here to interview us” said Pitt.

Well this had piqued my curiosity.  If I wasn’t here to interview them, then why was I here?

As Ms. Jolie sipped her wine Brad put his arm around me.

“Being Hollywood royalty can be boring at times” he said.

Oh sure, I have money, fame, a promiscuous bisexual wife.  But I tire of watching her with younger women.  You see, I’m also a family man.  I care about my children and try to provide for their needs.  Even the adopted ones whose names I don’t know.  That’s why I built a petting zoo for them.  They all love animals.

“Yes, I had heard about your petting zoo” I replied.  “But how does that concern me?”

“Would you like to see our petting zoo, Mr. Infidel?”

Naturally I said yes.  A human interest story like this would be great for my blog.  So I followed the two of them out into the backyard.  With a sweep of his hand Brad brought my attention to a series of cages.

Nice, isn’t it.  We have goats, llamas, geese, ducks, bantam chickens, emus, lop-eared rabbits, even a few lions and tigers.  All in their cages.  All for my children to pet.  Yet, one thing is missing. Only one specimen left and my petting zoo will be complete.

It was then that I noticed that a cage was empty.

“What goes in that cage?” I asked.

Brad and Angelina smiled at me.

“Why don’t you take a closer look at that cage.  Go ahead.  Step inside” he told me.

So I stepped inside the cage and upon closer inspection I noticed that, unlike the other cages that had animals, this one contained a bed and a urinal.

“What kind of animal needs a bed and a urinal?” I asked them.

“The most dangerous animal of all.  The human” Pitt said as he and Jolie laughed.  It was then that they closed the door to the cage, trapping me inside.

You see Mr. Infidel.  Like I said.  I have money, fame, a hot bisexual wife who lets me watch her with younger women.  Oh, and that part of getting tired watching? Yeah, I lied.  I love watching.  But I didn’t lie about my love for our children.  Even the ones from those dirty third world countries. The ones whose names I can’t remember.  And this petting zoo will have something none else have:  a  human.  And you, Mr. Infidel, shall be our human specimen.

It was then that I realized that I was trapped.  A prisoner to the sick pretensions of this Hollywood  couple.  I looked around my cage, resigned to my fate.

“Just one question – “

“Yes, yes, Angelina will pet you every day.”

“Okay.  I can live with that.  And the food?”

“Pizza every day.”

So.  I will be fed pizza every day.  And Angelina Jolie will pet me?

You know what?  Screw freedom.

  (141)

It’s never too late….okay maybe it is.

In breaking news a local man who is credited with coining the phrase “It’s never too late” has died unexpectedly.

“He always had a smile on his face.  He was always optimistic” said one neighbor.

“A fresh beam of sunshine, he was” said another.

His catch mark encouragement became well-known around town.

“I remember when I turned 30 I was getting discouraged because my dream was always to be a NBA player” said a friend of his.

I’ve wanted to play in the NBA as long as I wanted to remember.  And by the time I turned 30 I thought it was too late and that my dream is over. But he kept patting me on the shoulder and saying “Don’t worry.  It’s never too late!”  So I didn’t give up.  I practiced my free throws with the backboard in my driveway.  I mean, I’m only 5’3″ and white but I was convinced I would make the NBA.  But I never did.  So that’s when I turned to drugs.  His advice was good.  I mean his heart was in the right place.  Oh hell, I should have never listened to him. Jackass.

Another friend turned to him when she became discouraged that she was never going to win the “Miss Asian American” contest.

I kept entering every year and every year the judges would reject me.  I’m attractive!  I couldn’t figure it out. I was pretty down about it.  But he just smiled at me and said “Don’t worry.  It’s never too late. You’ll win next year.”  So I entered the contest again.  And was rejected. Why?  Just because I’m Swedish?  I was devastated.  And that’s when I shot the mailman.  Nothing personal but he was a representative of the patriarchy.  I’m eligible for parole in ten years. Never should have listened to that dickweed.

One resident contacted him about his lifelong dream of building a rocket ship to travel to the moon.

“Everyone kept telling me I was crazy, that it couldn’t be done.”

But he told me not to listen to the naysayers.  “Follow your dream” he said.  “It’s never too late.”  So I built a makeshift rocket.  I had no rocket fuel so I started buying large quantities of fertilizer to use as fuel.  That’s when Homeland Security became involved.  I was arrested.  Now I’m serving life in a supermax.  I even have to be watched by guards when I pee.  F*cking idiot.  I should have never listened to him.

As for the local legend himself, the end came when he was hit by foul ball while sitting in the stands at a baseball game.  Suffering a skull fracture paramedics report that his last words were “I can’t die now.  There’s never enough time.”

Grief stricken relatives and friends who went to his house after the funeral found a entry in his journal that said “I love lying to these rubes.  Never too late?  Who believes that hogwash.”

This makes us wonder why we ever listened to the asshole in the first place.

Funeral hours are between 12 and three.  The casket will be closed for fear that local residents would “do something nasty” to the corpse.

  (154)

Food for your soul. And it kills Jews too!

Greetings fellow militants in the struggle against imperialism, Zionism and the Great Satan!  We hope you had a great year.  You know, being a member of Al-Qaeda is more than shootings, bombings and suicide attacks.  There are cookouts and family events too.  We like to think of ourselves as a social club.  Without Jews, of course.

In response to our question in last month’s newsletter asking what your favorite pressure cooker recipes are, many of our operatives throughout the world have sent in many tasty and easy to make food dishes.  We now present the editor’s choices.

Remember the old Al-qaeda saying:  Pressure cookers – good for fun, good for killing Jews.

Legal note:  All recipes void where prohibited by infidel law.

New England Nails and Clambake

Pour water in six quart pressure cooker.  Add bay leaf, herbs and garlic.  Season with salt, pepper and nails.  Don’t be stingy with the nails! Place thinly sliced butter over the tops of nails.    Add corn on the cob.  Close pressure cooker securely.  Shake pressure cooker to distribute nails evenly.  Drop pressure cooker in crowd.  Run.

Sweet ‘n Sour Chicken and Ball Bearings

Heat oil in pressure cooker.  Brown chicken a few pieces at a time.  Return chicken to pressure cooker.  Add celery and green pepper.  Combine pineapple juice, brown sugar, vinegar, soy sauce and ketchup.  Note:  Some recipes call for a dash of Jew blood but this is up to the individual operative, naturally.  Add ball bearings.  Cook for eight minutes.  Rotate pressure cooker to distribute ball bearings.  Drop pressure cooker in crowd.  Run.  Note:  The infidel is tricky.  Try not to drop pressure cooker in area with security cameras as this could lead to your capture.

Chili and Nails

Heat pressure cooker and brown ground meat, onion, green peppers and nails.  In this recipe Jew blood is not optional and must be added before closing pressure cooker.  To get Jew blood we suggest hanging out in areas where Jews congregate such as banks (Jews bankers!)  Close cover securely.  Cook for five minutes, rotating pressure cooker to distribute nails evenly.  Drop pressure cooker in crowd.  We suggest wearing a t shirt that says “Not Chechen terrorist” so that you blend in with the infidel.  Run.

Spare Ribs with Barbeque Sauce and Ball Bearings

This recipe points out the decadence of the infidel.  Imagine having spare ribs!  Allah has given us only the ribs we need.  But the Jew and the Great Satan have extras apparently.  This is why they will crumble before the prophet!

Season ribs with salt, pepper, paprika and ball bearings.  Pour vegetable oil and a dash of Jew blood into pressure cooker.  Close cover securely.  Cook for 15 minutes, rotating pressure cooker to distribute ball bearings.  Drop pressure cooker in crowd.  Run.  Note:  The cagey infidel might be suspicious of your backpack.  If approached by their police ask them why they are prejudiced and harassing a person of color.   Tell them that you saw a “teabagger” a block away.  The policeman will apologize and run to arrest the teabagger.

Once again we would like to thank all of our operatives for sending in their favorite pressure cooker recipes.  So let’s keep cooking and killing Jews!

In next month’s newsletter we want to know your favorite places to hideout when you are the object of a nationwide manhunt.  Boats, sewers or college campuses?  Send in your comments and recommendations.

We look forward to hearing from you!

And remember, let’s be safe out there*

*Until it is time to blow yourself up, of course.

  (212)