Manhattan Infidel

After much legal wrangling, the John Edwards sex tape will be available for the first time in high definition.  Those who have seen the remastered sex tape say the difference between the original tape and the new high definition print are amazing.

“I tell you,  while I enjoyed the sex tape” says a person who has seen both versions, “now that I’ve seen it in high definition I’m noticing things I didn’t originally, like that tattoo on his left butt cheek that says ‘John Kerry is a doofus who looks like Herman Munster.’ “

The tape has become an overnight sensation.   Experts worry however over the possible dangers from watching it.

“Americans are not prepared for the full magnitude of what they are experiencing” said Dr. Phil.  “It can lead to psychological shock.”

One man who has rented the DVD tells of his experience.

“Me and the Mrs. wanted something hip to watch for our anniversary.  I figured why not a sex tape.  All the kids are doing it.   So I rented it.  Talk about two Americas…..it looks like Edwards has about eight or nine!  I wish I hadn’t rented it.  Now my wife thinks I’m inadequate.”

As  a reporter I always have may readers best interest at heart.  With this in mind your humble and intrepid correspondent rented the tape himself to watch and share my views of it with  my readers.  Unfortunately after viewing the tape I had a nervous breakdown and banished any memory of it from my mind.  So I will have to rely upon my notes.

1:26 PM:  Went to video store to rent John Edwards sex tape.  Not wanting the girl behind the counter to think I was a diry old man I also rented  Chocolat with Johnny Depp.  Great. Now she thinks I’m a gay dirty old man.

2:44 PM:  Back at apartment.  Spent a half hour trying to locate remote.  Found remote underneath cat who was underneath an empty pizza box.

2:47 PM:  Started watching tape.  Nice tattoo on butt cheek.  John Kerry is a doofus. 

2:50 PM:  Edward is turning around to face camera.  My God what the Hell is that thing?  It looks like a snake!  My eyes!  They’re burning.  Can’t take anymore.  My mind is going.  I can feel it.  My instructors taught me to sing a song.  Would you like to hear it?  Daisy daisy I’m half crazy.

3:oo PM:  Have removed all my clothing, painted my face and set fire to apartment to appease the God of Hellfire.

9:oo PM:  Woke up in hospital chained to bed.  Police are watching me.  Did I murder another prostitute?

The Edwards sex tape will be available on Netflix starting next week.

Supergroup Al Queda in Yemen is branching out.  It has been announced that a development deal has been signed with Al Queda in Yemen leaders that will give the brand name extensive new face time in America.

“Prime time baby.   That’s what it’s all about” said a television executive for the CW network.  “Our research showed that kids were ripe for an exotic adventure series.  Al Queda in Yemen had everything we were looking for.  Adventure.  Exotic locales.  Big guns.  Men with beards.  MILFs”

Under the terms of the deal announced today, Al Queda in Yemen will lend their name to a new series set in Miami called Al Queda: Miami.

“The show will revolve around  a couple of jihadists who also use their scientific bomb-making skills to solve crimes.  Or, the show will revolve around a couple of scientific crime solvers who happen to be jihadists.  We haven’t decided yet.   But they definitely will not be jihadists who happen to be vampires.  The vampire craze is so 2009.”

Originally it was planned to have the underwear bomber himself,  Umar Farouk Abdul Mutallab star in the series.

“Why not? He’s young. He’s sexy and he’s black. Unfortunately he burned his balls off and we discovered that our focus group of coeds found charred testicles fused with pieces of underwear about as appealing as date night with Charlie Sheen.”

So instead Kanye West has been inked to play the lead jihadist/crime solver or crime solver/jihadist.  Jim Belushi will play the second in command and comic relief while, in a bit of irony, Taylor Swift will play the sexy, independent, feminist jihadist/crime solver or sexy, independent, feminist crime solver/jihadist.

If Al Queda: Miama debuts to strong ratings, plans are afoot to expand the franchise.  Al Queda: New York, Al Queda: L.A. and Al Queda: Mt. Holly, New Jersey are among potential shows.

As for the theme music, do not expect to hear The Who.

“While we respect The Who and their place in Rock and Roll, they are old.  So we are negotiating with Lady Gaga to see if maybe she can write an original song for the theme.  If we can’t get Lady Gaga maybe Milli Vanilli.  Or just Vanilli.  Whichever one is still alive.”

Al Queda: Miami will debut next fall as part of CW’s  crime solver/jihadist and vampire  or jihadist/crime solver and vampire lineup.

In a bizarre ceremony today at City Hall, a visibly intoxicated Mayor Bloomberg gave the keys to the city to the blogger Manhattan Infidel, who then tried to use the keys to the City to lock out the Irish.

The ceremony started at 11:00 A.M. when, much to the annoyance of those working in downtown Manhattan, streets were closed off (“for the crowd” said Bloomberg) and the NYPD randomly shot those walking on Broadway (“for security and it was fun” said Bloomberg.)

Mayor Bloomberg then walked to the podium in front of City Hall and proceeded to read from a prepared statement.

“Today is a great day, perhaps the greatest day in the history of New York City” said the Mayor as he pulled a flask from his suit jacket and drank from it.  He then ripped up his prepared statement and sat down, telling those around him that he had no idea what was going on, that God was dead and that he just wanted to go back to his office, throw up and cry until he passed out.

The blogger who calls himself Manhattan Infidel (though the police know him as “suspect no. 3″ in the lineup) then spoke.

“I am humbled and honored by this award.   And in the spirit of humility the first thing I intend to do with this key is lock out the Irish.”

As Mayor Bloomberg shouted in the background that he had soiled himself, Police Commissioner Ray Kelly informed Manhattan Infidel that the keys to the city were symbolic and that he couldn’t lock out the Irish.

This seemed to disturb Manhattan Infidel, who then asked if he could at least lock out the Mexicans.  He was informed that this would also not be possible.  At this point, Mayor Bloomberg started to remove his clothing while singing a medley of his favorite Ringo Starr songs.

With the morning in danger of getting out of hand and needing the podium for the 12:00 “Salute to Zoroastrianism and Cheese Puffs” ceremony it was agreed that Manhattan Infidel could use the keys to the city for any purpose other than locking out the Irish or the Mexicans.

Manhattan Infidel then pumped his fist into the air and shouted “I’m locking out the English”  before running up Broadway.

“Don’t worry” said Commissioner Kelly.  “We’ll taser him when he gets to Chambers Street.”

Mayor Bloomberg was last seen curled into a fetal position in City Hall Park.

Good Morning.  I am very grateful to the Manhattan Infidel for giving me the opportunity to do something good in the face of a very bad situation the white man’s brutal racism and I, but mainly I, have created.

I  have done a number of things wrong recently.  I have violated D.C. gun laws (and who knew Washington D.C. had gun laws?  I mean, really?)  I have violated the NBA’s ban on firearms on league property (and who knew the NBA had a ban on firearms?  I mean, really?  C’mon.)  I reacted badly to the aftermath and I think I shot my housekeeper in a fit of rage.  Wait, that wasn’t my housekeeper it was a homeless man.  (Sometimes after a hard loss I shoot homeless people to relieve the pressure I’m under.  But I digress.)  I gave that chubby pasty-faced white boy who is league commissioner good reason to suspend me, putting my teammates in a bad position since we suck even when I’m in the lineup.  Granted we’re not the Nets but we are in danger of being the Knicks.

I understand the importance of teaching nonviolence to kids in today’s world.  Guns are not the answer.  Even if your peeps get into a showdown with a rival gang, guns are still not the answer.  Besides, you can always borrow a knife from one of your Puerto Rican friends.  They are harder to trace and make less noise.  Sure you have to get closer to the person you’re trying to off, but they’ll fear you in the future.

I am trying hard to right my wrongs.  The one that will be hardest to make right is the effect my actions had on kids who see NBA players as role models (and who knew kids see NBA players as role  models.  I mean really?  C’mon?)

While I regret this incident, letting the kids down is my biggest regret.  I love the time I spend with the kids here in the district and all the life lessons I can impart to them such as when caught in stray gunfire duck and cover, and never hold your glock sideways or it’ll jam.

There have been few bright spots for me the past few weeks.  But one day I saw that young fans were still wearing my jersey.  That meant more to me than I can say. (Residuals residuals residuals!)

I value the relationship I have with the young fans and will work harder to earn their respect.  Starting tomorrow I will be teaching classes on life lessons here in the District.  Lesson number 1:  If the bitch doesn’t want to go back to your hotel room a hooker will.  Next week I will be teaching a class on proper methods for getting rid of the Clap.

Some people may not forgive me for what I’ve done.  But if I can help steer one kid away from violence and trouble from jammed glocks, then I’ll once again feel that I am living up to my responsibility I owe the kids of the District.

I’d like to once again thank the Manhattan Infidel for giving me this opportunity to address my peeps.  Peace y’all.

Gilbert Arenas

As the Secret Service gently placed water wings on the commander-in-chief and lowered him into the shallow end of the White House swimming pool, President Obama talked about his 2011 budget.  The budget calls for 3.83 trillion in spending, creating a budget deficit of 1.56 trillion and giving the U.S. trillion dollar budget deficits for the next three years.

“Red is such an interesting color, don’t you think?  I like the color red” said the President as he practiced the doggy paddle.  “Until America is back at work and this depression is over, I will continue spending money.  It’s important to understand that we cannot reduce this deficit overnight, which is why I’m calling for a massive across the board increase in spending.”

As Vice President Biden jumped into the pool, splashing the President and Speaker of the House Pelosi sat by the edge of the pool picking petals off flowers and saying “He spends…..he spends more…..he spends…..he spends more” President Obama went into further detail about the budget.

“Jobs are my number one priority.  Only through job creation can we get out of this crippling recession started by my predecessor.  And how are we going to create jobs?  Simple.  My goal by the time I leave office in 2017, after a landslide election to a second term, is to have everybody in the United States on the Federal payroll.  How are we to accomplish this?  Simple. I am going to tax those bad people making more than $250,000 a year.  BIDEN WILL YOU CUT THAT OUT!”

President Obama then paddled over to the side of the pool and told Secret Service agents that “Vice President Biden is touching me.  Make him stop!”

The assembled agents told the Vice President to cut it out.  They then told the President to stay away from the deep end of the pool and to stay on the shallow end where they could keep an eye on him.  Vice President Biden then swam over to Speaker Pelosi and splashed her, making her cry.

“Boys are mean!’ she said.

President Obama, ignoring all advice, then swam out to the deep end of the pool.  He seemed invigorated at first, shouting, “Look at me!  Look at me!” 

However, when he realized that his feet couldn’t touch the bottom he began to panic.

“I’m in over my head.   I’m going to drown!”

The Secret Service sprang into action, grabbing the leaf skimmer and telling the President to hold onto it.  This has no effect as the President began to hyperventilate. The White House went into lockdown mode as agents spoke into their walkie talkies. 

“No. 1 is panicking.  No. 1 is panicking.  Request assistance.”  

The President was saved by a quick-thinking agent who, at great personal risk, dove into the pool and and grabbed the President, carrying him out of the pool and wrapping him in a towel.

The White House has empaneled a commission to determine exactly why the President was in danger and how to prevent it from happening again.  The investigation is expected to last six months and cost approximately $500 billion.

In perhaps the first sane thing New York City’s elected officials have done in decades,  February 2010 has been declared “The Month of the Manhattan Infidel” in honor of the one-year anniversary of the Manhattan Infidel blog.

Christine Quinn, City Council President in making the declaration said, “New York City prides itself on its progressive values.  Everyone has a sanctuary on this island whether they be athiests, free-thinkers, or refugees from Dutchess County, New York.  Why, we even allow Republicans in Manhattan, though they must register with the police and wear a purple star.”

A schedule of events honoring Manhattan Infidel has been announced.

• On Wednesday February 3rd, Mayor Bloomberg will give the Manhattan Infidel the keys to the city.  “What the Hell, I don’t care anymore and I’m usually pretty drunk” said the Mayor.
• Friday February 5th there will be a parade up the Canyon of Heroes.  In lieu of ticker tape, all those in attendance are encouraged to throw money at the Manhattan Infidel.  Why?  To keep him off the streets of course.   Because when the Manhattan Infidel is on the streets, he gets angry and slaps strangers while shouting, “A curse upon the house of Boccanegra!”  Don’t ask, we don’t understand either.
• Finally, on Saturday February 13th the Manhattan Infidel invites all followers of his blog (the ones not institutionalized, that is) to join him from 6 to 8 P.M. at Fitzgerald’s Pub on 336 3rd Avenue for drinks, door prizes  and revenge upon the House of Boccanegra.

Already testimonials are pouring in congratulating the Manhattan Infidel on his one-year anniversary.  (Which, sadly, is his longest anniversary for anything not involving paid sex and Michelle Pfieffer’s Cat Woman outfit.)

Harry Reid writes, “I sense a kindred soul in the Manhattan Infidel.  And I’m not just saying that because I’m legally insane.”

Brett Favre made this comment on the historic anniversary:  “My head hurts.  I’m afraid the Manhattan Infidel will sack me.  I don’t like cities anyway.  Can I go home?”

Walt Whitman writes, “I’m dead.  Leave me alone.  Do you come here often?”

Julius Caesar comments, “Congratulations Manhattan Infidel.  Does this toga make my butt look fat?”

Tiger Woods writes, “I’m so hot for you honey.  Let’s do it on the 5th hole.  What?  Sorry, wrong web site.”

And finally, Satan writes, “While I admire the Manhattan Infidel’s work, I am not responsible for it.  However, many on his blogroll, and they know who they are, work for me.”

To make room for The Month of the Manhattan Infidel, Black History month has been moved to April, combined with Albanian History month and renamed “Oscar’s House of Pleasure.”

MTV has announced that it is canceling their reality show “Predator and Virgin” starring Little Red Riding Hood and The Big Bad Wolf.  Though the network had hopes for the series and thought that it would strike a chord with their desired demographic, in the end the show’s format proved too controversial (each week the Predator, aka the Big Bad Wolf would scheme to find a way to take Little Red Riding Hood’s virginity) and drew protests from feminists, virgins, wolves and Law and Order creator Dick Wolf.

Dubbed “The role playing show with the hot red head” by MTV executives, the premiere episode featured crossdressing, lesbianism and a guest appearance by Tony Danza as “the strict teacher.”  The second episode revolved around crossdressing, anal sex and a guest appearance by Tony Danza as “the strict guy on top.”  Due to the volume of protests the show was canceled before the third episode could be aired, which reportedly featured crossdressing, bestiality and a guest appearance by Flavor Flav as Tony Danza.

Critics were united in condemnation. “Poorly thought out.  Poorly executed.  A poor use of Tony Danza’s talents”, “Makes Jersey Shore look like Shakespeare”, “Pussy Galore meets fetishism” and “The worst thing to happen to western civilization since Henry Wallace” were just a few names for the show.

In a statement released today, MTV Chief Operating Officer Rich Eigendorff said “Yeah, we goofed.  We were hoping the show would be edgy and hip.  I mean, it has Tony Danza for Christ’s sake.  How can a show with Tony Danza not be a hit?”

Instead the show just disgusted viewers.  Emergency rooms reported a rise in suicide attempts and projectile vomiting after watching the show.

To replace Predator and Virgin in their prime time  lineup MTV will be airing a new reality show called “Those crazy Hitlers.”  In this show men who like to dress as Hitler will live together in a house with a rabbi and Tony Danza.

“It’s the first thing I learned in TV executive school.  Give them sex.  Give them controversy.  And most importantly, give them Tony Danza!” said Eigendorff.

Barack Obama, a local Chicago comedian hoping to break through nationally, performed in front of a packed house tonight in Washington DC.

Mr. Obama appeared nervous and was clearly flustered when one of his first jokes about tax cuts did not get a response from the audience.  But Obama bravely moved on, kidding that “I thought I’d get applause for that.”

Known in Chicago for his sarcasm and irony, his brand of humor was on full display.  After a few clunkers Obama had his first big laugh of the night with a joke about excluding lobbyists.

“We didn’t see that joke coming” said one critic in attendance.  “But it was fantastic.  I mean, excluding lobbyists?  We were all in stitches.”

Obama picked up steam after that.  His next joke, about transparency and posting everything online almost brought the house down.

“This is the most ironic comic I’ve seen in awhile.  Posting everything online?  Transparency? He had the audience eating out of the palm of his hand” said another critic.  “It was pure genius.”

He also displayed a minor mean streak with his joke about “with all due respect to separation of powers”, a dig at the Supreme Court.  The members of the Court, who were in attendance, clearly were not amused but the rest of the audience loved it, with many standing up and making “whoop whoop” noises.

“The joke was edgy.  It was hip and it poked fun at old people.  How can you go wrong with that” said an audience member.

If there was one criticism of his performance it was that it went on for too long.  Many in the audience started to leave after the 50 minute mark.  Obama made the classic mistake of a newcomer - he overstayed his welcome.  Clearly he could not keep up the momentum and his final joke about having combat troops out by August was met with stony silence by the audience.

By the time he closed with his now trademark “change we can believe in” joke he had a grimace on his face, as if he were saying to himself, “Gee, that line goes over big back home.”

Factoring in the length of his show and a few jokes that tanked, what seemed to hurt his performance the most was the bizarre appearance of an elderly gray-haired man who sat behind Obama during his entire show.  This man, seen here

has not been identified.

“It was crazy.  He just looked goofy” said a patron.

Mr. Obama will be continuing his tour and will be perform tomorrow night at the Bananas comedy club in Hasbrouck Heights, New Jersey.  Tickets are still available.

The Federal Government announced today that it will ban telephone poles from all U.S. owned property.

“We live in a new, brave, progressive America.  Telephone poles resemble crosses and as such, have been banned as a religious symbol” said a Department of Interior spokesperson.  “As our President has said, this is not just a Christian country anymore. We do not want to risk offending anyone with blatant western religious symbols.”

To show the Government’s dedication to progressive values, telephone poles will be replaced by DVDs of I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry.

“How can anyone object to that.”  While the change is being done there may be slight problems with phone coverage but the Government sees no long-term problems.  “We’re the Government after all.  We do things better.”

Also on the short list of banned items is Carrie Underwood.  “We found that many men worshipped her with a near fanatical devotion.  This makes her a religious symbol and she will be banned.  Anybody found on Federal property with pictures of Carrie Underwood will be taken into custody.”

Friday will be banned.  “Friday is the end of the work week. Since most workers look forward to their weekends with religious fervor, we have decided to ban this word.  Fridays will now be know as ‘Also Thursday.’ ”

Toilets will be forbidden in all Federal offices.  “You’ve hear of the saying ‘praying to the porcelain God?’  That makes toilets religious symbols.”  Starting next week Federal employees will be provided with buckets in their cubicles for their own relief.  Employees will be encouraged to take their buckets outside during lunch hour for disposal.

Reproduction will be banned.  “The carbon footprint of sexual activity can be tremendous.  From now on all everyone who works for the Federal Government will be prohibited from engaging in reproductive activities.  Anyone caught having sex, real or imagined, will be subject to fines and/or imprisonment.  This will be strictly enforced.”

The new regulations take effect February 1st.

The 2010 census form features a word not commonly used since the 1960s:  Negro.

“The word was placed in the census for inclusivosity….er, inclusivisitosity….um.  The Obama Administration is all about ALL the people and that’s why we included negro” said a census spokesperson.

According to sources the primary reason for changing the census form was nostalgia.

“We have a President born in the 1960s - that glorious decade of change.  Why not have the wording on the form reflect those fantastic times?”  Accordingly name changes for several races have been approved by Congress and are also included on the 2010 forms.

Caucasian, or white, will now be called “The Anglo Supremacy.”  There will be several subsections under The Anglo Supremacy.

• Those of Irish descent will be known as “The Celtic Enemy Within.”
  
• People claiming French ancestry will be asked to choose “We Surrender.”
• Americans who can claim ancestors from Belgium will circle “Waffles.”
  
• Floridians will be known as “Swamp Devils”
• And, finally, those from Chicago will have two choices:  “Alive” or “Dead.”

Groups who are not white, or from the Anglo Supremacy, include Puerto Ricans, who on the census will be known as “Those people who join gangs on the Upper West Side, carry knives, sing and look like Natalie Wood and George Chakiris.”  Dominicans will be known as “Raped by Columbus” while Cubans will be called “Excellent pitching prospects.”

Still, not all are happy with the new terminology.  Many blacks remain resistant.

“My father and grandfather were called Negroes and they didn’t like it.  This Black African-American prefers to be called a person of color.”

In related news, the Baseball Hall of Fame in Cooperstown has announced  that their wing dedicated to the Negro Leagues will now be known as the “Colored Negro Black African-American Peoples of Color League Wing.”

“I hope we haven’t left anyone out” said a spokesperson for the Hall of Fame.