Manhattan Infidel

With less than eight weeks until the presidential election of 1840 and trailing in the polls to the Whig challenger William Henry Harrison, President Martin Van Buren has accused his opponents of being motivated by racism.

With the United States mired in its worst recession in 20 years many pundits are predicting an easy Whig triumph.  However not wanting to concede the election, President Van Buren has mounted an offensive against the Whigs.

“The Whig party is the exclusive domain of Americans of English ancestry.  Look at my opponent’s last name:  Harrison!” he said during a campaign rally.   “They are a noninclusive party.  Only the Democratic party is all inclusive.  Only the Democrats are open to all white men of Northern European origin.”

The Whigs dismissed Van Buren’s argument as that of a desperate politician who knows he is going to lose and lose badly.

“Look at what the Democrats have done to our economy” said Whig Henry Clay.  “Under the Democrats our debt has become unsupportable. Our economy is shrinking. Our dollar is dropping. And this President does nothing.”

The Democrats countered by distributing pamphlets touting their accomplishments and membership.

As opposed to the Whigs, the Democrats come from all over Northern Europe.  We are a gorgeous mosaic of Dutch, Belgians, Danish, Luxembourgians, Swedish, Norwegians, Prussians, Russians, Swiss and yes, even the French.  Where do the Whigs come from?  England and Scotland!   A party with such a monolithic ethnic makeup cannot be sensitive to the needs of all Americans.

The Whigs dismissed the pamphlets as “propaganda unworthy of our Republic. This is the mark of a desperate politician.  He wants to shift the focus off of his record and end all debate by calling his opponents racist.”

President Van Buren for his part has said that his opponents better get used to having him around.

“I’m Dutch.  I’m proud and I’m beautiful.”

Recently I was lucky enough to snag an interview with one of the decades most fascinating personalities and one that everyone wants to interview:  the Gulf Oil Spill himself.

MI:  Thank you for meeting with me.  Let’s start out with some basic questions.  How old are you?

GOS:  I’m about 65 million years old.  Give or take a million.

MI:  Wow.  You don’t look a day over 55 million.

GOS:  Thank you.  It pays to be an inert gas sometimes.

MI:  Why the oil spill?  Why now?

GOS:  It all boils down to trying something new.  Sure I’m an abundant reservoir of oil but what I really want to do is direct.  I figured the oil spill would be a good way of promoting myself.  You know, getting my name out there. 

MI:  It seems to have worked.  Any message to the fishermen in the Gulf whose livelihood you put in jeopardy?

GOS:  I do feel badly about that.  But, you can’t make an omelet without cracking a few eggs.

MI:  You mentioned wanting to break into show business. Have you heard from anyone? 

GOS:  Funny you should mention that.  Yes.  I have heard from a few people.  I have my contacts.  Did you know that Larry King and I are about the same age?

MI: You’re shitting me?

GOS: No, I kid you not. We started out together as microbial deposits and sea sludge.  But Larry wanted to do his own thing.  He said “I’m going on land.  I’m going to evolve and get my own talk show.  Maybe get married seven or eight times.”

MI:  Have you heard from anyone else?

GOS:  Oliver Stone wants to direct a story about my life.  The theme will be “Gulf Oil Spill victim of Jews and Dick Cheney.”   I can’t say I agree with his politics.  But he is a good film maker.  Almost as good as Rob Zombie.

MI:  That he is.  Anybody else contact you?

GOS:  Strangely enough the New York Mets contacted me.  They saw how powerful I was gushing out of the ocean floor and they think I may be the answer to their offensive woes.  But I turned them down. I’m a Cardinals fan actually. And I’d done PEDs. I know they test for that now.

MI:  I don’t want to take much longer of your time but what is next?  What are your immediate plans?

GOS:  I’m a big Saints fan.  Go Drew Brees.  He’s my man so I’m gonna chill out until football season starts.  Maybe start a pottery club.  I like fondue and antiquing.

MI:  Well I thank you for talking to me.

GOS:  No problem, Manhattan Infidel.  You’re my favorite blog not dedicated to Carrie Underwood.

The Ku Klux Klan announced today that it has bought property next to the 16th Street Baptist Church in Birmingham, Alabama, which it bombed in 1963 to build a 13-story “cross of bridge-building.”

The projected cross has generated intense partisan controversy.  Many opponents say that building the cross so close to the site of the bombing would be insensitive to the memory of the victims of the attack.

“I can’t believe they would even think of doing this” said a local black pastor.  “Are they crazy?  This isn’t about building bridges.  They want to put a cross up at the site of one of their victories.”

However, the Grand Dragon of the local Klan disputes this and argues that those who oppose the cross are violating cherished American principles.

Whatever happened to freedom of religion in this country?  I thought we were guaranteed that.  The people who oppose this cross are ignorant.  And they are racists.  Where is the funding to the opposition of the cross coming from?  Can anyone tell me that?  They should be investigated.  The right-wing Republicans are behind it I bet. This is not a cross of victory.  It’ll be an outreach center.  We’ll have books on the Klan, water fountains for hot days (separate white and colored of course), pamphlets warning of the dangers of miscegenation and a shooting range. 

Despite the Klan’s appeal to reason and American values opposition to the cross has grown among the intolerant.  Protesters took to the street carrying signs denouncing the proposed 13-story cross.

As tensioned escalated the Governor of Alabama suggested that the Klan move their cross to a different location, out of respect for the feelings of others.

“No one is denying the Klan the important bedrock American right to freedom of religion.  But perhaps a different location would help diffuse tension.”

The Mayor of Birmingham entered the fray on the side of the Klan.

“That we should even be debating this is ridiculous.  Some people just need to shut up.”

Meanwhile the Grand Dragon reiterated his reasons for building the cross.

“Life is all about building bridges” he said before leaving on a fund-raising tour.

A buffalo, perhaps not realizing the implications of its actions, gored and killed a veteran conservationist today.

“I don’t understand why the buffalo killed him” said a friend.  “He devoted his entire life to helping oppressed buffalo.  He just wanted to make their lives better.  And get massive government grants.”

The buffalo, hungry and perhaps angered over past wrongs inflicted upon his species by mankind, charged the conservationist, gored, crushed and mocked him before racing off.

Reaction to the conservationist’s death was swift.

“I don’t want to blame the buffalo” said a fellow conservationist “but they just don’t appreciate all we do for them.  The buffalo seem quite grouchy nowadays.”

Another conservationist spoke of possible remedies.

“Look, the only way we are going to get these buffalo to appreciate what we do for them is to ram our reforms down their throats.  More power.  That’s the key.  We’re not satisfied with all we’ve done.  The way to cure that is to give us more authority.”

He then reeled off the reforms that have been implemented so far:

1. All animals in the park have been removed so that the buffalo can adopt a healthier vegetarian lifestyle.
2. Tracts have been distributed throughout the park bearing the message “I’m a  buffalo and I’m beautiful.“
3. Freedom of religion for buffalo has been implemented.  “We also intend to build a buffalo church on the site of the goring to show the buffalo that we are not their enemy.”
4. Spraying with insecticides has been banned.  “The buffalo and the tsetse fly should be friends. Oh the buffalo and the tsetse fly  should be friends.  One like to roam the plains the other likes to spread sleeping sickness but that’s no reason that they can’t be friends.  Territory animals should stick together.  Territory animals should all be pals.”

The Government has announced that the death of the conservationist will not deter their policy to help the buffalo and that they will in fact redouble their efforts.

“Helping them is a moral issue.  But we understand buffalo are grumpy.”

Customers in a popular Manhattan deli were surprised to find that if they wanted their bagel sliced it now cost 9 cents extra.  Also, if bagels are eaten in the store, even if not touched by a knife or sliced, they cost extra.

Running a 14 billion dollar deficit and with a lame-duck governor feuding with both houses of the state legislature the state Department of Taxation and Finance has started enforcing obscure laws such as the one just mentioned.

“We have to come up with cash somehow” said Jamie Woodward, acting Commissioner of the Department.  “I know New Yorkers love their bagels but this is a sacrifice we all must make to keep me employed.  I mean, to keep the state infrastructure running.  And this is just the first step.  We intend to use this principle on other goods to keep me employed.  I mean, to keep the precious goods and services our residents have come to expect up and running.”

Among the ways the state intends to raise cash include:

• Prostitution.  All men who visit prostitutes and are serviced on location will have to pay a 15 percent tax.  However, if they take the prostitute back to a hotel room the tax does not apply.
• Serial Killers.  All serial killers will be subject to a tax if they use a knife and/or cut their victims in half.   “We’re quite excited about this” said Woodward.  “It has the potential to raise hundreds of millions.”
• Tour buses will be subject to a tax if they hit and kill a pedestrian.  “Mucho mucho dinero” said a gleeful Woodward.
• Tourists will be have to pay the state every time they are shot at.  “They want an authentic New York experience?  Let them pay for it. We’re not running a goddamn charity here.”
• The Staten Island Ferry will have to pay a tax every time it smashes into the dock, killing and/or maiming those on board.  “We know our ferry boat captains are all on drugs.  Why not use this to raise revenue?”
• Taxi drivers who have ties to Al-Qaeda will pay a tax.  “Well, this is a no-brainer” said Woodward.

Meanwhile, a group calling itself the Bagel Liberation Front held a protest on Wall Street.

“Today they come for our bagels.  Tomorrow they’ll come for our double lattes!” said a spokesman.

He was arrested and his taxes were raised 15 percent.

In advance of President Obama’s planned fund-raising trip to Manhattan the Secret Service has published a new set of operational guidelines.

“Our duty is to protect the President” said Secret Service Director Mark Sullivan.   “And we are going to use the power vested in us by the Constitution to make sure we can do our job.  Actually we might have to go above and beyond what’s authorized in the Constitution.  I don’t know.  I’ve never read it.  I like histories and westerns myself.”

The following rules are binding on all Americans.

• During a President’s trip to any city, all citizens of said city must remain motionless.

We don’t like people walking or talking or moving about.  It makes our job difficult.  So from the moment POTUS arrives in a city until he leaves all citizens must maintain the same exact position.  Except for the Mexicans of course.  We’ll need them to deliver the pizza.

•  People who have the first name of Dan will be arrested and placed in a concrete bath up to their head.

Our profilers assure us that people named Dan are subversive mothers.  By placing them in concrete we assure the President’s safety.

• Minefields will be placed in all school playgrounds.

This is controversial I know but if a few kids have to get blown to pieces to ensure the safety of POTUS, who can object to that.  Yes, the parents might object but if their first names are Dan we already got that covered.

• Metal will be banned.

Metal is a dangerous, dangerous substance.  Accordingly giant magnets will be placed East, West, North and South of any city POTUS visits.  The magnets will be turned on and any metal in the city will be captured.  Hopefully the citizens of the city have giant magnets covered in their car insurance.  If not they should.  Except for the people named Dan.  They won’t need cars when they are encased in concrete.

Director Sullivan states that he knows some of these provisions might be unpopular but they are necessary.

“I have great respect for our Constitution.  But as a Federal employee I’m not bound by what the Constitution may or may not say.”

Dateline Rome.  August 26th 410:

Rome, the eternal city was sacked today by Visigoths,  a normally peaceful tribe.  As the Visigoths poured into the city, stunned Roman citizens wondered who was responsible for the first sacking of the city in almost 800 years.

Many pointed the finger of blame at the previous emperor, Georgicus Bushius.

“Everyone knows his racist policies increased the hostility of the outside world to Rome” said a senator allied with the current emperor, Barackian Obamanus.  “Between killing them in illegal wars and denying them the right to migrate to Rome it’s no wonder the rest of the world has a negative opinion of us.”

Fortunately, Emperor Obamanus’ humane polices moderated the degree of destruction during the sack.  While there were unconfirmed reports of looting, pillaging and the occasional rape  the city itself was spared complete devastation.

“Everyone knows the emperor is a friend of the Visigoths.  He has repeatedly apologized to the Visigoths for wrongs inflicted upon them by Rome in the past.  Why when he was a child he even lived for a few years in Visigoth territory” explained the emperor’s press secretary Robertius Gibbsius.

While the sack did alarm citizens the emperor was quick to point out that because of his recently enacted universal health care coverage for all Roman citizens, those who were allegedly injured or violated by the Visigoths would have access to the best doctors, “subject to availability and rationing of course.”

Standing in front of the still-smoldering ruins of the mausoleums of emperors Augustus and Hadrian, “typical Roman people” Obamanus reminded the citizens, he welcomed the Visigoths to the city.

We have nothing at all to worry about.  I know many of you are fearful and cling to crossbows and religion but we can learn a lot from the Visigoths.  The Visigoths have many accomplishments to boast about in their native lands.  Much of our science, our philosophy, our technical accomplishments derive from them.  I know many of you are asking why they sacked us?  If only the previous emperor, Bushius, had allowed free migration into our city this would not have happened.

Emperor Obamanus then ended his press conference by announcing that he will be vacationing in Ravenna where he will be playing a few rounds of a new game called “golficus.“

Vacationing in Massachusetts, President Obama disappointed the hopes of many in the press corp by refusing to doff his shirt for the cameras.  Intoned Chris Matthews:

Just a year into his administration President Obama has yet to bring hope and change to the people of America who voted for him.  Polls say that the people are dissatisfied with his presidency. Why?  Republican propaganda blames high unemployment and unsupportable debt.  But these are all George Bush’s fault.  How can President Obama lift the spirits of America?  Simple.  Take his shirt off!  Please Mr. President take your shirt off.  Make us tingle with the bloom of youth.

Reporting from Martha’s Vineyard, MSNBC reporter Norah O’Donnell informed viewers of the President’s shirt-wearing public appearances:

O’Donnell: The weather is beautiful here but President Obama refuses to take his his shirt off while on the beach.  This can only be a tactical error his part.  If he takes his shirt off and shows me, I mean the American public, his manly upper torso the world will rally around him.  Republicans will lose whatever hopes they might have had of winning back the house in November.

Matthews:  Norah, you spoke to Robert Gibbs today.  Has he offered any word on whether the President will take his shirt off and satisfy my desires…..I mean the hopes and dreams of working America?

O’Donnell:  Yes Chris.  Gibbs mentioned that the President may, repeat may, take off his shirt tomorrow.  I certainly hope so.  I cried when I saw him with his shirt on.  My mascara started running and I felt really really angry and betrayed.  I went back to my hotel room and ripped his poster off my wall.  Then I texted my girlfriends and we cried together.

Matthews:  Thank you Norah.  Next on Hardball after the commercial break we’ll discuss why the Cubs haven’t won a world series since 1908.  Is it George Bush’s fault?  Theologians debate this. 

On Countdown, Keith Olbermann appeared with eye black and a bandanna wrapped around his head.  Grabbing an axe and chopping up his desk Olbermann said:

I am here to say that God is dead.  There is no hope for any of us unless our President, my captain, my captain, takes his shirt off.  The Republicans and their ally Satan reign supreme.  Please Mr. President, our press, I mean our nation turns its lonely eyes to you.  Take your shirt off and let an anxious nation bask in your manful presence.

In a statement released by the White House it was announced that “President Obama firmly intends to take his shirt off sometime while on vacation.  The entire press pool except for Fox will be welcome to take photos of this event.”

Jean-Luc Picard, Captain of the Starship Enterprise was unsuccessful today in an attempt to sync his contacts with his new Starfleet-issued Comm Badge.

Reports indicate that the trouble started when Picard picked up his new comm badge and tried to use it without first reading the instructions.

Picard:  At last, my new comm badge.  I don’t know why it took my so long to get a new one.  (Pressing badge.) Hello.  Number One to my ready room immediately.  Number One to my ready room.

Luigi’s:  Hello.  You want a number one special?  With salad or pasta?

Picard:  Hello? Number One can you hear me?

Liugi’s:  Yes we can hear you.  Do you want salad or pasta with your number one?

Picard:  Commander Riker are you funning me?  I am speaking with Commander Riker, am I not?

Luigi’s:  This is Luigi’s Pizzeria.  Do you want salad or pasta?

Picard:  (Ending call).  There must be something wrong with my badge.

Captain Picard then attempted to get Chief Engineer Geordi La Forge involved.

Picard:  Geordi my comm badge isn’t working.  None of my contacts are on it.  What does your visor tell you?

La Forge:  Captain my visor isn’t picking up anything unusual. 

Picard:  Well there must be something wrong.  I want you to run a level four diagnostic of all systems on board.

La Forge:  (Sarcastically.)  Yeah, I’ll get riiiiiiiiigggggght on it Sir.

Picard:  Make that your top priority.

La Forge:  Of course sir.  (Under his breath.)  Right after lunch you old clueless buffoon.

Picard:  What was that?

La Forge:  I said have you tried calling the Help Desk?  They might be able to help you.

It was at this point that Picard made a call to the Enterprise’s Help Desk.

Help Desk:  Hello how may I assist you?

Picard:  My new goddamn comm badge isn’t working.  I just got this thing. This piece of shit.  I don’t understand what the problem is.

Help Desk:  Sir I’m going to need you to calm down and tell me what the issue is.  

Picard:  I don’t have any of my contacts.  None of my contacts have been imported.

Help Desk:  Did you attach it to your laptop?

Picard:  Was I supposed to?

Help Desk:  Do you have your USB cable?

Picard:  My what?

Help Desk:  May I have your name sir.

Picard:  Jean-Luc Picard, Captain of this ship.

Help Desk:  Oh, so you wear a red uniform? You’re in the Command Department?  I’m sorry but this is the Help Desk for the Security Division.  You’re going to have to call India. I can transfer you now.

Picard:  No wait -(Call transferred.)

India Help Desk:  Hello am I speaking with Captain Picard?

Picard:  Yes.  My comm badge isn’t working.  You had better fix it now!

India Help Desk:  Please hold (placing Picard on hold.)  They gave him another comm badge?  What the hell?  It’s bad enough he got captured by the Borg and they reverse engineered his old comm badge but then he was captured by the Cardassians and they reverse engineered his second comm badge.  I hope he gets captured again.  Let them try and reverse engineer male pattern baldness. (Taking Picard off hold.)  Hello?  Hello?  I don’t believe it.  The dumb shit hung up.

After his call to the Help Desk Picard became angry and started throwing the furniture around in his ready room, shouting “resistance is futile” over and over.

Commander Riker:  Dr. Crusher to the bridge.  The Captain’s at it again.

Dr. Crusher:  I’m busy. I left some hyposprays filled with Demerol under the Captain’s chair.  They should calm him down.

Captain Picard was then administered a hypospray and ordered to take an immediate vacation on Orion IV.

“Sometimes you win.  Sometimes you lose.  Sometimes it rains.” ~ Bull Durham

I woke up today to overcast skies.  No problem I says.  It’s not like I live in Oregon.  So I took the  no. 6 train up to the  Bronx.  The Yankees were playing the Seattle Mariners.

The Yankees started Carlston Charles Sabathia (17-5 3.02 ERA) while the team that represents the water sogged west coast started Luke “Use the force” French (2-4 4.57 ERA.)  Normally I’d be worried about this since the Yankees cannot beat unknown pitchers.

Anyway after wiping off my soggy seat I sat down to watch good baseball as it was meant to be played.  It was a pitchers duel for the first 3 1/2 innings. The first score was Austin “You’re kidding?  He plays for the Yankees?” Kearns who hit a solo  home run in the bottom of the fourth. 1-0 Yankees after four.

Carlton Charles Sabathia finally gave up a hit in the fifth inning as the rain started pouring down.  How bad was the rain?  The phrase raining cats and dogs is such a cliche but I did see a pit bull land in front of me.  He picked himself up, said “ruff” and walked away.  Hey, they are tough dogs.

During the rain in tht bottom of the fifth a walk to Derek Jeter, a double by Nick Swisher brought up an intentional walk to Mark Teixeira.   Now, didn’t Seattle get the email? Twice Tex has been intentionally walked this season and AROD has hit grand slams.  Well, AROD is on the disabled list  (steroids **cough cough**).  Robinson Cano batting fourth hit a grand slam that landed behind me in the bleachers.  5-0 Yankees after five.

Then the rain delay.

Fun things to do during a rain delay:

1. Update your Facebook status message to “I yearn tragically for your body .”  Hey, let your friends figure it out.
2. Ask the person next to  you “Are you into it?”
3. Take off all your clothes.  If anyone asks, tell them this is standard behavior for bloggers.
4. Run out onto the field.  Tell the groundskeepers you enjoy being beaten up on national TV.

After 45 minutes the rain delay ended.  But this was not the end of the rain, which came back in the 8th inning.

In the bottom of the sixth the Yankees scored three more runs.  8-0 Yankees after six.

In the seventh  Jorge Posada hit a home run.  9-0 after seven.

In the Eighth  Marcus  Thames singled in Ramiro Peno. Final score: 10-0 Yankees.

Notes on the game:

It rained most of the game.  I know the Yankees were playing Seattle but damn you Seattle!  Stop giving us your left coast socialist weather. Hippies!

Sushi should be banned from all ballparks.  Cigars, however, should not.

Alex Rodriguez did not play, having been placed on the 15 day disabled list.  AROD’s age is catching up to him.  And the down side to steroid use is once you are off them the body deteriorates.   This explains Manny Ramirez’ bitch tits and Nomar Garciaparra’s exploding, separating groin.

Nick Johnson injury watch:

Depressed that he has been on the DL for 3 months, Nick Johnson attempted suicide today with a hair dryer, a gerbil and Marlin Perkins from Mutual of Omaha’s Wild Kingdom.  He was unsuccessful in the attempt though the hair dryer did die.  The Yankee front office is confident, absolutely pretty please suger on top confident that Johnson will be back in the lineup soon.

Recommended reading material:

Lincoln at Cooper Union by Harold Holzer

Reader mail:

D.B. of Philadelphia writes, “I like being naked.  I really do.”

Well, he does work for an accounting firm.

A.P. of Poughkeepsie New York writes, “I killed a customer today.  He made me angry.  Should I feel guilty about this?”

Absolutely not.  Unless you killed him before he payed you.  Always get paid first.  Then kill.

Thomas Aquinas writes, “Marriage…….includes sexual intercourse.”

Obviously Tom’s never been married.

Anyway, my record this year stands at 10-7.  My next game is Monday September 6th against the Baltimore “We suck, even with Buck Showalter” Orioles.

Go Yankees!